scared

I confess....I'm scared.  I believe in the docs and trust they will do well, but I'm still scared....

• I'm scared of the IV because I've often been hard to start.
• I'm scared of gaining weight.
• I'm scared my body won't do it's job and heal.  It is supposed to grow bone over the insert and I'm scared it won't do it right because it has so often betrayed me.
• I'm scared of being so reliant on others, even though I have such a great support team.
• I'm scared of being bored and sad and frustrated.
• I'm scared of those emotions leading to comfort eating above and beyond what might be considered a "treat" for myself.
• I'm scared of dealing with the forced rest.
• I'm scare of gaining weight (yes, I said that twice...if I were honest, it would be 2/3 of the bullet-points.
• I'm scared of having trouble with little things...some people have talked about difficulty, ummmm...well...wiping.  I am NOT asking for help on that one (though did by wet nap style Charmin).
• I'm scared of losing the biceps and triceps and all the other muscles that I worked so hard for and that are such a source of self-validation.
• I'm scared of scaring off or abusing MM.  He's given me NO reason for this and he is SUCH a good support system, but I'm still scared of taking too much from him.
• I'm scared of forgetting my titanium ID card and getting difficulty at the airport or elsewhere.  I believe in good screening and think people complain too much about the TSA.  It is unlikely I'll set of alarms, and they give me a note in case, but it still is in my head.
• I'm scared of pain.  Both the short-term and the possibility of it not helping.
• I'm scared of gaining weight (come on, y'all know me and can't be surprised).

Truth, it would be wrong and off if I wasn't scared.  But I don't usually get anxious (likewise, I don't get overly worked up in positive suspense either)...I take the days as they come, which has its pluses and minuses. 

Check-in is in 16h.  Putting on my brave face.