things unseen

I confess....that I'm jealous of faith.

I wasn't really raised with any religion. I knew my mom's family was Jewish and we occasionally acted the part of cultural Jews, but we were never religious. I was briefly thrown into Hebrew school around 6th grade and it was a miserable failure of an experience since I was thrown into a group that had been studying together for years and given the kindergarten book on language. That's all she wrote on that.

Honestly, I just don't "get" faith. I simply can't conceive of it. I don't know if there's any higher power and I don't believe I can ever know....if there is one, I don't think my mind would be able to conceive of it. And I don't know how to believe in something of that sort. I like tangibility. I think doubt is in my nature. Maybe it was taught to me, maybe it was inborn. I don't take too much at face value. That can be a good thing sometimes, but it certainly stands in the way at other times. It makes it hard to get to the point of trust with people and I can see and touch people. It makes it unfathomable to simply believe.

When I struggled with some eating issues, I briefly attended an OA meeting. It was a 12-step thing. I knew pretty quickly it wouldn't work for me. I need control. And I certainly can't hand it to a higher power that I don't "have."

I am thoroughly jealous of those with a strong faith. There must be an extraordinary comfort in it that I'll never know. I am especially in awe of and respect those who've questioned their faith (vs. just taken it in spoonfuls doled out by some institution) and come to the conclusion that they believe. I wish I knew something that strongly. I wish I had that ability. I also imagine it as such a wonderful antidote to loneliness. Not that I feel lonely right now....just in general, I imagine an added peace in feeling "someone" is always with you.

I'm not looking for a lecture on God. I'm not looking to be converted or brought into the fold. I'm just thinking in print. And admitting to a jealousy that part of me wishes wasn't there.