Wednesday, December 24, 2008

i wanna know

I confess...that I wonder. A lot.

I wonder what I look like. I know I can't see myself objectively. I wonder what I look like to the outside world...both my face and my body. The former is pretty impossible to show me. The latter...I guess I wonder which people I see daily have similar bodies. My husband pointed one person out to me, but I'd like a more objective opinion. I'd also like to know what I looked like when I was bigger. I don't have clothes from then and (see vanity sizing rant) looking at current store lines don't help.

I wonder if I'll ever be pain-free on a regular basis. I wonder what that even feels like.

I wonder if other people play out as many scenarios in their heads. I run out long stories. Different choices I could have made years ago and things that are simply pure fiction. They sometimes keep me up at night.

I wonder what people think of me. I wonder what true, honest, unabashed descriptions they'd use. I wonder how it would vary among old friends, new friends, acquaintances, strangers, colleagues, clients. I don't so much "care" as I just wonder.

I wonder if there's a "right" answer to what I should be when I grow up. I'm not confident I've found it, but it is hard to find when you don't know where to start.

I wonder how many more questions I'll think of as soon as I post this.

It's a bit ironic. I'm don't ask many questions. And I don't really want to. My wonderings tend to be the "in my head" kind more than the "out loud" kind.

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