Friday, January 6, 2012

balancing act

I confess....I knew better.

I decided I needed some protein.  This wasn't wrong.  Thinking I could handle a jar of PB in the house, however, was.  I was fine with it last night... I did have more than one PB 'wich but I needed it.  Today though...yeah...eating 3/4 a jar of PB will NOT help matters.  I did not need the guilt on top of the rest.  I know I need to "let it go" but I'm not so good at that (and I manage to feel guilty about that too!!).  I didn't expect the temporary scale drop in the first few days of being sick to last, I knew it wouldn't, but I really don't want to come out of this higher.  Though just coming FULLY out of this mess is the first priority.

Lesson -- Do give your body what it needs (i.e. protien) but don't give your mind a challenge when your body's already down (i.e. a jar of PB when it is totally not a food I'm safe around). 

Status -- I felt a good bit better last night but pretty crappy again today.  It is the first day though that I haven't, shall we say "visited the bathroom floor."  That is good and needs to be counted as progress.   (really, just HAD to prove me a liar...not much of one which is TMI but...I seem to have more trouble w/ liquids than actual food...).  But I'm really shaky.  I tried to walk and abandoned that at less than half my normal distance b/c I felt like I was just going to collapse.  My hands feel oddly "thick"....the phrase I was given is "Mickey Mouse" hands and it is totally applying...typing is SLOW and difficult.  My head is really foggy (I'm catching at least one typo per line, sorry for those I miss!) and my belly is just plain "off," even taking the PB binge into account.

Reflection -- I DO think I needed the medicine when I took it.  I DO believe that sometimes our brains need help to be balanced, just like a diabetic may need insulin.  I just never imagined I'd still feel like crap a week later.

Moving ahead -- When I'm better, I do want to start a committed program to get to my best body. I have numbers in my head but want to try to focus more on just feeling like my body is where it belongs. Which it isn't at the current weight. I know I'm still considered small by most standards, but I also know my body looked and felt and performed better at a lighter size.

1 comment:

Lesley said...

Hang in there hun!

I bought some pretzel sticks on the weekend and thought I could handle a small jar of Nutella to dip them in. Ya, I can't. I ended up throwing away the jar because if I did not I would have made myself sick. It is not a safe food for me to be around.