- I don't care if politicians cheat on their spouses. It is a HUGE no-go for me in a partner, but not something I care to be involved with in an elected official. But I do take issue when they lie about it, then it moves from a lie to his family and becomes a lie to his constituents. I don't know that I'd call for a resignation, UNLESS government money was used which is another issue, but it would impact my future vote (not control it, I did vote for Bill Clinton and would do so again).
- Okay, my non-PC post. I just don't care if gay people are born that way or if it is a choice. It just doesn't matter at all to me. I accept them and want them to have equal rights/opportunities either way. I think the state should let you marry regardless of your partner's gender, though I wouldn't force a church to officiate. I do see that the debate may matter to some people who are on the fence about acceptance, so I guess that gives a reason to talk about it. But, personally, I just don't care (but I feel like that may anger people and we know how I feel about that).
- Part two of my un-PC thoughts (well, this is more un-liberal) -- I do "believe" in transgendered people and think we should support them in their journeys for peace, including using the preferred pronouns and supporting their choice to pursue surgery. But I just can't condone using government money to pay for the sex change surgery for a prisoner. It seems really unfair that a criminal would get a paid-for surgery while "good" people don't. And I understand that the surgery can be emotionally/mentally important, but it isn't the same as the medical necessity involved in treatment of physical disease.
- I like to make earth-friendly choices (though don't always go out of my way for them). I like to make money-friendly choices (with an exception for food & wine, of course). But it is really the NOISE that makes me hesitate to turn on the AC (I did put it on today...two days over 90 are not fun). I have a lot of trouble with background noises. It feels like I hear TOO much since I can't distinguish the TV or a voice unless I really turn them up. Former speech pathologist Mom says it is called figure-ground disorder. You can try to train your brain to help it, but I'm lazy.
- The guestroom does not have an AC (yet...my Mom and Step-dad are giving us one later this month). I went through THREE pairs of shorts doing my workout. I am a sweaty gal, not usually the worst smelling but even with a well-cooled room I can sometimes squeeze out my shorts after cardio. Guess the ability to change is an upside to the home gym (and the fact that I was planning a load of sheets anyway so it wouldn't throw off laundry planning to use more), but I will enjoy the "real gym" today since I need to do weights anyway. We are getting Big Yellow tomorrow (it will be in the basement so a bit cooler there...tread is in guest room) and I'll see if I still want the Big Gym expense. It is kinda good to have a reason to go out when you are unemployed, but it is also an added cost.
- Another side effect of unemployment as a woman -- I go through WAY more TP since I'm always home.
- I'm still scared about the back stuff and about controlling pain when I'm already maxing out on meds. I try to take less when I can, but the knife in my back is pretty unrelenting.
- Tater tots are underused as a side item. More places, esp. pub type joints, should serve them.
- I use way too much mentally energy disliking my tummy pooch. I will, however, say that I'm feeling really good about my upper body. I've added some muscle tone and it is really at a place where I'm happy to just maintain. The only thing I sometimes dwell on wanting to change about the tummy is one (umm, well, two) that is outside of my control without a doc and some silicone. And I am NOT doing that....they are proportional and all, just noticeably absent in a swim suit or in clothes that leave room for non-existent assets (same issue with lack of butt).
- I'm waiting to write one book review for Harper until I finish another one. I actually enjoyed the finished one a lot and am more "meh" on the one in progress, but my parental-types see the blog so I blush at the idea of reviewing Erica Jong's collection of essays by women about sex.
- Likewise, I need one more bullet point after that one. Yes, I'm odd.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
ramblin' woman
I confess...lots of rambly thoughts today, some of which feel a little un-PC but I'm gonna say 'em anyway.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
back to back (or back to me talking about my back)
I confess...this was going to start as a post about my ongoing back battles and then move on to general body stuff, including "talking" about having bought a treadmill. But the back stuff got long so I'm cutting "part two." I may revisit the dropped issues later since they are worth a ramble -- I love the convenience of the treadmill at home, but need to work on the demons and not feel the need to hop on for a random mile here and there...yes, that might be a good thing for most folks, but it could get WAY out of control for me and I need to generally have my workout and then be done.
I've been battling this back injury for what feels like a crazy long time. In summer 2009, I was plagued by what I thought was a sore glute. I remember trouble as far back as a Memorial Day trip to the Finger Lakes when the car ride was troublesome (even with wine tastings to help take my mind off it!!). I blamed it on general exercise soreness but it definitely felt worse than normal and was always on the left. Later in the year the left hip became the demon and I sought help in December. The first doc focused on the hip (which is what hurt then, with a few back twinges) and did some shots for bursitis with no results. I moved on and to two more doctors as 2010 opened. The pain actually started focusing more in the low back (and intensifying) just as one doc started thinking that was to blame. I tried two epidural steroid shots and became a PT regular (side note: LOVED Michael, my MA physical therapist...great at "getting" active patients which was important to me). I did strengthen and improve my flexibilty, both of which had suffered. I got to my personal norm on the toe reach...still couldn't touch my toes, but I never could. But the pain never abated. Moved to PA and tried another PT with a different approach but didn't show progress and was booted (insurance stuff). A spike in pain in February 2011 led me to another doc office, this time a colleague of doctor dad's. An MRI and a bone scan later, we suspect degenerative disc disease. Most days are a 7 on the pain scale (1-10), 8s are pretty common too.
Monday is another step. I fully understand it is necessary, but this one scares me. I'm usually not too difficult of a patient...I had no trouble with the MRIs and I know there's always a process. But I'm terrified of needles. I haven't tried in recent years, but I have actually been told I was too scare to donate blood...I got scared my pulse skyrocketed, and I was disqualified. The upcoming test includes an IV and needles in the back. The GOAL is pain. They need to fully identify the source and the only way to do this is by trying to stimulate the pain. Not fun. The intake person called today and said I could get a sedative if I need it and they do give pain meds after it is done (none from 9PM the night prior till the 1PM show time). At MM's suggestion, the staff member did confirm I could bring my teddy bear.
If the test confirms the current theory, I'll head to surgery. I've done the epidurals and the PT so it moves to the next step. I've had FIVE surgeries...adenoids removed and sinuses drained at 13, tonsils yanked at 17, three pelvic laproscopies for the endometriosis. Each time, the only thing I was really scared on was the IV (see the needle phobia above). I trust that doctors know their trade. I know it is a big day as a patient but another work day for a doctor and they have usually done it many many times (or are being supervised by someone who has) and I am pretty good at handing control to them. But I'm scared this time. I have tried a bit of googling but know I need to really hear it from the doc since things are often changing. I am scared of the pain, esp since I already use the max dosage of my pain meds to get through days with the "normal" pain. I am scared of mentally handling the rest and recovery. They have an outpatient clinic, but some google results say it requires a night or two stay. That scares me too.
My back has been AWFUL the past few days. Saturday was the first time I hit the "going away" point that I have with the endo. I think it is being mean to remind me I NEED to move through these steps to get well. And it does help to know I'm moving ahead. I tell that to myself when I hit the 8+ on the pain scale. After a long and ongoing battle with endo, where they really can't offer much of a fix, it is nice to have the light at the end of the tunnel. And I'll keep going towards it, even if I'm limping a bit.
I've been battling this back injury for what feels like a crazy long time. In summer 2009, I was plagued by what I thought was a sore glute. I remember trouble as far back as a Memorial Day trip to the Finger Lakes when the car ride was troublesome (even with wine tastings to help take my mind off it!!). I blamed it on general exercise soreness but it definitely felt worse than normal and was always on the left. Later in the year the left hip became the demon and I sought help in December. The first doc focused on the hip (which is what hurt then, with a few back twinges) and did some shots for bursitis with no results. I moved on and to two more doctors as 2010 opened. The pain actually started focusing more in the low back (and intensifying) just as one doc started thinking that was to blame. I tried two epidural steroid shots and became a PT regular (side note: LOVED Michael, my MA physical therapist...great at "getting" active patients which was important to me). I did strengthen and improve my flexibilty, both of which had suffered. I got to my personal norm on the toe reach...still couldn't touch my toes, but I never could. But the pain never abated. Moved to PA and tried another PT with a different approach but didn't show progress and was booted (insurance stuff). A spike in pain in February 2011 led me to another doc office, this time a colleague of doctor dad's. An MRI and a bone scan later, we suspect degenerative disc disease. Most days are a 7 on the pain scale (1-10), 8s are pretty common too.
Monday is another step. I fully understand it is necessary, but this one scares me. I'm usually not too difficult of a patient...I had no trouble with the MRIs and I know there's always a process. But I'm terrified of needles. I haven't tried in recent years, but I have actually been told I was too scare to donate blood...I got scared my pulse skyrocketed, and I was disqualified. The upcoming test includes an IV and needles in the back. The GOAL is pain. They need to fully identify the source and the only way to do this is by trying to stimulate the pain. Not fun. The intake person called today and said I could get a sedative if I need it and they do give pain meds after it is done (none from 9PM the night prior till the 1PM show time). At MM's suggestion, the staff member did confirm I could bring my teddy bear.
If the test confirms the current theory, I'll head to surgery. I've done the epidurals and the PT so it moves to the next step. I've had FIVE surgeries...adenoids removed and sinuses drained at 13, tonsils yanked at 17, three pelvic laproscopies for the endometriosis. Each time, the only thing I was really scared on was the IV (see the needle phobia above). I trust that doctors know their trade. I know it is a big day as a patient but another work day for a doctor and they have usually done it many many times (or are being supervised by someone who has) and I am pretty good at handing control to them. But I'm scared this time. I have tried a bit of googling but know I need to really hear it from the doc since things are often changing. I am scared of the pain, esp since I already use the max dosage of my pain meds to get through days with the "normal" pain. I am scared of mentally handling the rest and recovery. They have an outpatient clinic, but some google results say it requires a night or two stay. That scares me too.
My back has been AWFUL the past few days. Saturday was the first time I hit the "going away" point that I have with the endo. I think it is being mean to remind me I NEED to move through these steps to get well. And it does help to know I'm moving ahead. I tell that to myself when I hit the 8+ on the pain scale. After a long and ongoing battle with endo, where they really can't offer much of a fix, it is nice to have the light at the end of the tunnel. And I'll keep going towards it, even if I'm limping a bit.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
wasting time rambling about wasting time
I confess...being unemployed and also a bit limited in my physical activity (you don't realize how much you bend or twist until it hurts) has created the first period in my life where time is generally pretty abundant. Despite this, I do find myself losing (or, more honestly, wasting) time with a number of little habits. Some culprits:
- Reading The Frisky and The Stir...the latter is particularly vicious given how many articles they add each day. I am not in the sweet spot of either site's audience since I'm a bit old for one and a bit child-free for the other. They do provide quite a bit of amusement so it isn't totally wasted time, but the need to check both isn't the most productive use of it either.
- Likewise, I love Television Without Pity. I tend to read the Potluck forums the most. Another source of giggles but not enough to justify the time.
- Reading Health news on CNN. I probably click on 80-90% of the headlines in the health section. This could be productive but I read a lot more pieces that have no application to me than relevant articles. And I don't have nearly the memory capacity that might make this habit useful as future conditions (for me or others) arise.
- Thinking about blog posts I never actually make....the thoughts are wasted time, though I guess I'm saving you the time of reading them.
- Waking up in the middle of the night and thinking about how much I really don't want to get up to pee. I know I'd get back to sleep faster if I just got up right away, but that logic isn't compelling at 3AM.
- Staring at my belly. I've been told it is cute and not really as visible to anyone else, but it poofs out below the navel and is the first place my eyes go in a bathing suit (or my birthday suit). I know my soda and gum habits don't help it, but it also doesn't go away when I cut back. I've gotten to accept my thighs as a genetic fact of life...they will always be out of proportion and remained even when at my smallest. I haven't found that place with the pooch. I do a deep-muscle core routine but the muscles hide under not-muscle.
- Hating my body in general. I've come to realize that my body image issues are such a luxury. Hating my imagined fat is very different from hating the parts that cause physical pain. Not that either is healthy, but I think they are very different things.
- A final body issue...clearly there's a theme here...I know my treadmill time is insane. I tell myself that I'll tackle that more when I'm employed since this is one where a scarcity of time might help, but I may have an earlier "opportunity" if I have back surgery.
- Reading other reviews of books after I finish reading them myself. I post my own first so I don't use them to determine my own reaction (never been one to like things just because they are cool), but I feel an odd need to see where I fit. If I'm buying the book, I read plenty before my purchase...that's wise consumer time...but I can't really explain the compulsion to read dozens of reviews after I'm done.
- Brushing my hair. We have always had a complex relationship, my mane and I. We've come to a decent level of peace, but I totally feel the need to clean it up every time I'm near my brush which lives in a bathroom drawer. Luckily, I have many many hairs so losing a few extra is not such an issue.
- Wondering what people think of me. Everyone from friends to the folks I see regularly at the gym or Weis. I don't so much care (well, it depends on the person) but I'm really curious what impressions I make and how those evolve with time and vary with relationship.
- Looking at my blog stats. I'm fascinated by the fact that I often have peekers from the Ukraine and other overseas locations. If I don't know you personally, I'd love to know how you stumbled upon my blog.
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