confessions..

I confess...this time I actually will.  Confess, that is.  The following are things I hesitate to admit but will whisper quietly to my blog-reading public:

• I have gotten MUCH better in terms of body confidence.  I can see that I am small and fit.  But I still step on the scale at least once a day.  Pee, put in the contacts, strip, and weigh (yes, pre-teeth brushing b/c I might absorb water...which is beyond silly).  And it absolutely impacts my mood that day.  I hate being that type of girl...but I am.
• MM is in good shape.  X was very strong and worked out but was heavy side.  Both always say/said positive things to me about my body.  But they mean more to me coming from MM because he's got an admirable physique.
• I want to be encouraging to all gym goers and I know that going in pairs helps a lot of people.  But I still want to throw things at the two chatty twenty year-old girls who have the same cardio schedule as me.  This is more of a confession because I am totally inconsistent (I want a different word there and it is driving me nuts).  There are some guys who chat on the weight room I kind of enjoy listening to them.  It is like a peek into man-land hearing how they relate (and gripe about their gals).
• The gym I use shares a building with a tanning place (and I think they may share owners).  I get a "holier than thou" feeling when I pass people going into the tan place instead of the gym.  They have signs criticizing politicians for supporting the Tan Tax.  These make me want to write letters in support of higher tan taxing.
• I seem to fall out of love quickly with the daytime TV that I use as background noise for job searching and as distraction at the gym.  But I've stayed more in love with The Talk.  I expected to like Sara Gilbert, and I do, but it is totally Sharon Osbourne who keeps me hooked.
• I cheated a bit on my no-alcohol March.  I blame the back and frustrations therewith.  I had several drinks the day my doctor cancelled on me for a surgery and a glass of wine the day of the appointment because the poking made the pain worse (and I hadn't filled the pain script yet).
• I am angry that I lost eight years of my life to the relationship with X.  It took meeting MM for me to understand how wrong the relationship had been.  X ended it but I should have.  Long ago.  I don't blame him, I think bad relationships are often more about the pair not working rather than one guilty party.  But I wish I knew then what I know now.  I want to write a whole post on this but I am worried I can't do that without getting meaner than I should and without laying blame (which I truly don't want to do).
• Despite that, I think I threw a great party (and I really take credit for putting it together).  And I looked damn good in that white dress. 
• I spent way too much time the other day on People of Walmart.  And I much of that time included feeling superior to folks.  I sometimes get that feeling among the general public as well, especially when I'm not limited to the gym or professional circles (which tends to attract a small range of folks).  It always leaves me with a feeling of guilt, but it recurs regularly.
• I am generally enjoying Central PA, but I totally laugh at the caliber of the local TV news folk.
• I chew too much gum.  And this keeps Rite-Aid happy because I take anti-gas stuff to address the resulting puffy tummy.  It is totally vanity medicating since the only side effect is the puffy lower abdomen.