where i'm at

I confess...that I've said it before and will say it again, I like habit and routine and "normalcy". Although I've found some day-to-day routines in the past month, I'm still off-kilter and I don't do well with that.

I'm continuing the job search. I have several pending applications and two upcoming phone interviews...all of which are wins in themselves in this economy. I have focused on a few job types, but I'm still pretty open which in itself can be a struggle...it's much harder to plug "unsure" into Monster! I do have a few ideal job types and skill sets I'd like to use (so if you stumbled on this in vetting me...it is EXACTLY what your opening is), but it's still hard.

I'm struggling too on the weight front. I've had pretty awful "off days," including a "bonus" one last week. I really felt best at 115 but knew I might not be able to stay there and be healthy. I did, however, promise myself not to go back over 120. I'm more often in the 125 area now and I just feel blubbery and icky. I feel the need to put a disclaimer in when I talk about weight...I judge myself much more harshly than I judge others. I have no doubt I'd think another 5'4" gal would look great at my current size. I know I see myself through cloudy eyes. The rise in numbers (scale and jeans size) don't lie though and I just don't like it. At the same time, it is a huge struggle to stay on track, even on my "good days". I hate being a walking contradiction...wanting to have my cake (okay, wine and ice cream is more accurate) and my jeans size too.

I did spend the past weekend with part of my family I hadn't seen in many years. It did create a bit of a funny mental moment. I probably met my step-sisters on my dad's side about 10 years ago. They are close to my age and very nice but I haven't lived in the area so don't know them very well. They are both married (with kids). The laugh-in-my-head moment was realizing that they were all popular and social kids back in high school and it felt kinda surreal for me (quiet, bookish, studious, Saturday night studier) to be hanging out and chatting with them. And to feel comfortable doing so and feel welcomed and wanted.

Other "updates"....(bullet style, b/c it is nice and organized looking),,,,

• I have a horrid fear of highway driving, especially merging, but managed to drive the 2 hours to Lancaster and back (including the turnpike and another "merging needed" road. I still have the tension in my back and did it at very off hours (Friday at 1, Sunday at 10:30..) but survived which is good.
• I named my GPS Wilma. Get it??? The car is Betty and the GPS is Wilma :) It was between Wilma and Veronica. I amuse me (and likely only me...).
• I'm still reading a lot...just did a re-read of a long book to avoid insane book bills. I also am almost finished another HarperCollins review book.
• I need to buy more face moisturizer...I know, very exciting.
• I got my car insurance squared away. It is effective 8/15. Then I need to get the car re-titled, tagged, etc here in PA by the end of August. I also will need a PA license since mine expires at the end of the year. Ain't moving fun?
• I was highly amused that the jeans that fit me best at the Gap were "Curvy" style. I am so not curvy.