me: a user's guide...

I confess....I despise "about me" sections. Law school applications required a vaguely labeled "personal statement" and I used my space to talk about how ridiculous it is to encapsulate a person in one page. So, this is NOT an "about me" and it is in no way all-inclusive. It is, however, a bit of a users guide...it isn't everything (I know I'll think of more as soon as I hit "publish post"), but it gives some idea of things you should know if you are going to be in my world.

Here we go:

• I live with chronic pain. I have had endometriosis for a long time and more recently have a painful back problem (minor in medical terms, but painful nonetheless). Living with pain is very tiring so I can be pretty low energy and sometimes putting on an outside face takes a LOT out of me. I try to warn people when the pain is bad...I know it makes me grumpier and snappy. I haven't had any medicine in a while given transitions in my life but I felt like the days that I treated pain gave me a glimpse into normalcy....and I am jealous.
• I have eating and body problems. I do NOT expect anyone to really understand them. By nature, they are not rational. If you are going to be close to me, I won't ask for understanding but you will likely need to live with the impacts at time (like me needing to "be good" sunday to thursday with a few self-guided exceptions). I do fight it. I do work on it. But I think I will always be recovering, never totally recovered. I feel guilt when it impacts others. But it does. And I will always have days that I see a fat girl in the mirror.
• I worry that people I consider friends don't really like me. I honestly am fine with people not liking me. You don't need to like me. I just want to KNOW. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted.
• In some ways, I am very low-maintenance. I don't want much in the way of material goods. I hate making gift lists. I will spend money on food, wine, and books. I've only worn real make-up for weddings...I recently bought a tinted moisturizer (darn thirties kicking in more) and that feels totally odd to me. I do however require more emotional maintenance. I can't define that well. I need validation.
• I consider myself smart. I know I have a fast brain. This can come across as a "better than thou" attitude. I think, though, that I am really good at understanding different intelligences and fortes. I think other people have better memories, musical skills, social intelligence, and more. I do watch and evaluate people but I am more likely to focus on the characteristics I wish I had than any area in which I might be "superior".
• Likewise, I know I come of as snobby sometimes. I really don't think I'm better than anyone. I don't like beer or football or slapstick comedy. I don't really understand some things that I don't indulge in. But I don't think any less of others for their own preferences.
• I have a love/hate relationship with my hair. It stands out. People know me by it and don't always recognize me if it is pulled back. Some days, I do think it is pretty. Others, I wish I could chop it all off (I can't...I'd look like an electrocuted troll doll). It frizzes if it even hears about fog or rain and makes me fear them.
• I don't sleep well. Until my twenties, I thought it was normal to take a minimum of one hour from "lights out" time before falling asleep. I am jealous of folks who fall asleep when they hit the pillow.
• I need a good bit of alone time. And truly alone...not hiding in a sports bar among strangers, not even being in the living room when others are upstairs working. I recharge alone. Alone isn't always lonely for me....I often feel loneliest in crowds. Needing time alone is about me, not about anyone else.
• I have trouble trusting people. Again, this is much more about me than about the other people.
• I like lists. But hate that they never feel complete. I'll want to edit this. But I'm not going to...