on bodies and answers, on body love and the flip-side of hope

This is an introductory post...a topic I've covered it has evolved (or I have).  I want to write a much more substantial post in the future.  But I also want to get some of this "on paper" ("on screen"???) ...and out of my head.


Element One:
I believe that learning to love and accept (but mostly love) our bodies is a crucial component of finding joy and becoming an adult...esp for those with food and body issues in their past.  Learning, truly learning, to love your body is one step towards wisdom.  For me, this means appreciating my body for all it can do.  And it COULD do crazy things (I'll talk about my half marathon till my final day).   But now..

How can I love a body that only seems intent on making me suffer?  That threw (visible) hives at an already awkward junior high student who had to bring a whole box of tissues to school b/c she went through that many?  Then the endo. Then the back.  Not to mention the low functioning immune system.  How do I love this??

ASIDE - Of course, people have it MUCH worse.  But that doesn't actually take away the problem.  I'm good enough at guilt so please don't leave me with more (i.e How can you complain about back pain when people are dying?)

Element Two:
I don't tend to   get excited about things, which is weird and a bit sad.  But I also don't tend to get anxious.  So the terror-level fear I'm feeling about the surgery in May is unusual for me.  I have thought I needed revision surgery for years now.  It has been where I thought we'd end up, even as i plodded through non-surgical options.  I've been waiting; now I am formally waiting since it is formally happening.  This is it.  The Answer is coming in lat May

But....

What if....

it isn't?

What if this doesn't work?  What if my pain is still there?  Or worse?

Synthesis:
I've had trouble with food lately.  Mini-binges (see:me on BED, eating disorder group on BED, same group on formal inclusion in diagnostic manual).  And with working out, I've ricocheted from feeling unable to move because i can't get motivated to feeling unable to move because i way overdid it.

It took time till I connected the dots.

I know I need to stay positive.  I DO believe it will work.  But the "whatifs" (I imagine scrawny little furballs) are whisperring in my ears

a class full of lessons

I really have every intention of reviving this blog and posting more regularly.  I'm still fighting the back fight and will be seeing a new doctor in April.  I'm still doing my ghost-writing gig, though recently moved down to 6 posts instead of 7 per week which alleviates a bit of stress since I sometimes struggled on topic selection (and really should use that extra time for this blog since it really does do me good and I still hope it does someone else good someday too).  I'm still getting married and the wedding is suddenly only three months away so bridal stress is definitely setting in!

One thing that is sorta new, though really started in late summer, is my Aquacise class.  It took a lot for me to walk in the door the first time.  I knew full well that I'd be a bit out of place since it is a class that caters to an older crowd (the Y does have some water classes that are more strenuous, but I knew what was realistic for my body).  I'm glad I got up the courage.

The class has varied a bit over the months, in large part due to a shift in instructors.  As a general matter, in addition to a warm-up and cool-down, the class includes a cardio section and strength-building section with exercises aimed at the upper body, lower body, and core.  I'm definitely in it for the strength work since I still do my walking most days.  I do have to modify some moves in order to take my back into account, especially moves that involve twisting or any sort of backwards kicks.  The new instructor started with the new year and I'm still learning what I can and can't do in her repertoire (she does help when I ask and made special note in the beginning of things she thought I should modify). 

As expected, the class is largely seniors and female (we had two men previously, one spouse and one rehabbing an injury, but none at the moment).  Some of the ladies have been coming for well over a decade!  Many know each other from church groups or their prior occupations (a huge portion were teachers).  At their holiday lunch (they schedule a lunch every few months and a nicer one in December), they even have a "white elephant" gift that gets passed around via some random selection and the chosen person has to take care of it for the year and bring it back to the next year's party, pretty strong evidence of the tendency to stay in the class for the long-haul.  There are 22 or so registered and usually around 15-18 come to class though it has been smaller with the recent weather woes.  There had been one other "young" woman but she was doing it as a way to stay active during pregnancy and departed with the little one's arrival in December. 

Physical aspect aside, watching these women has been good for me.  They genuinely care about each other and even about me.  When my dad passed, they knew before I said a word (welcome to small town life....my neighbor attends church with one of the ladies and that's how the word was passed) and I got many a supportive hug.  Last week, one woman mentioned that she worries she might bump me when we do some backwards walking as part of the warm-up and they all agreed.  It was a bit funny....a class full of older women and I'm the one they fear injuring...but also very kind.  I do tend to require the most modifications and I do seem to deal with the most constant pain, although plenty of them battle their own physical issues.  It is a very supportive group, yet also quite welcoming, and they watch out for each other.  Cards are signed when injuries arise (one woman fell while hanging holiday lights, she returned as soon as the docs allowed it!).  There are a few who do not go into the deep end, but their progress getting a bit braver over time is very much noted and applauded (without becoming negative attention).

They also show me a lot about body image.  New suits are noted as pretty and the wearer never seems to focus on what it might do for her tummy or chest.  The women don't hesitate to strip out of their suits when they shower after class.  I'm the only holdback...I rinse off but don't take a full shower and leave my suit on as I do...I tell myself it is because I will walk later so just get the chlorine off and shower later. I change after rinsing, but in a fast and efficient manner.  My classmates gab nonstop as the steam rises, with suits or without, and chat as they re-dress after. 

Bodies are bodies.  They are appreciated for what they can do and pushed to stay their physical best for the sake of well-being and health.  Certainly, looking good is appreciated.  They joke about my relative youth, though I've heard more about my thick mop of hair than anything else, perhaps because they understand that appearances can be deceiving.  Still, they lack the body consciousness that I feel and that I associate with my peer group.  They are, or appear, at home in their own skin.  It's a goal that I think women in their thirties are often striving for, a goal that I think becomes more pronounced in this decade of life, but a goal of which many of us fall short (or at least I think that's true).  In my case, I am far from that finish line.  My ailments have certainly provided many a lesson in form versus function, but they haven't removed the body image struggles.  My classmates give me hope.

(Another note -- I highly recommend water classes to anyone with back issues.  Beyond providing an impact-free workout, there is NOTHING like having a float belt on, using floating dumbbells for balance, and just "standing" in the deep end.  I rush to the deep-end to have a few moments before the next exercises begin.  No pain medication provides anything remotely like it.  I get a moment without my body and, while it isn't necessarily pain-free, sometimes it feels like a miracle.)

"health" information, or lack thereof

I confess....I want to rant a bit about what passes for information on the Internet.  At least I can promise the rant is NOT about politics!

I consider myself a pretty savvy consumer of health-related information.  I've absolutely used Internet sites to further understand health issues, especially given my multitude of medical issues and pharmacy frequent shopper status.  I understand that there are many reputable sites out there and many that simply are not trustworthy, often because they are advertising in disguise.

This can be especially true in the weight-related arena (though there are plenty of offline offenders too).  However, I feel like a site directly affiliated with a hospital should be information-positive.  So today's experience inspired a rant....

I know that there are many indicators of healthy weight and body composition.  I know any set of numbers is more about averages than individuals, hence the muscled athletes labeled obese by the BMI charts.  I've long heard that weight-hip ratio is a really important stat but really never taken out a tape measure simply because I have enough to obsess over.  However, a while back I needed the numbers to order a dress and decided to explore the results a bit.  My quick Google search on waist-hip ratio info gave many results that raised my radar and that I didn't bother clicking on.  I chose one with a direct tie to a hospital, though I frankly forget which one.

I could beat around the bush, but it's easier to just put the numbers out there.  My bust/waist/hip numbers were 34/28/34 (which, in the wonders of women's clothing, meant I needed a size 4, 8 and 0 all at once).  It didn't ask, but I'll be upfront for the sake of context here....I'm around 118-120lbs and 5'4".  According to the waist-hip calculator, I need to lose weight in order to protect my health.

Okay.  I may be body-conscious, but I know that's not true.  That's not to say I'm at my healthiest.  I actually felt my best around the weight I am now, but I had a lot more muscle at the time.  I know the shift in composition is due to my physical issues, not any lack of motivation.  Actually, in a semi-relevant vein, the recent health results made me feel more assured of my instinct that I wasn't in the place for weight training work right now.  It very well might be accurate to say a shift in body composition would be health-positive, but it simply isn't right to say I need to shed pure pounds to be healthy. 

My ratio is partly a factor of what I can and cannot do right now but also, probably more accurately, a simple fact of genetics.  I just am not a curvy gal.  I get that the calculator ultimately looked at ratios, not actual numbers on the tape measure, but one would think a hospital site would either factor in both or make a more clear statement about what the results mean.  I've read enough to know that the genetic tendency to carry weight in certain areas can, regardless of numbers on the scale, predict health outcomes and it is not bad to be aware of that.  Still, it angers me when a site associated with a medical institution can't bother to explain that rather than make a blanket statement...especially when the ratio is partly about using something other than the scale to evaluate health.  I feel the same way when a BMI calculator fails to note that muscle mass can lead to less useful results.  With different information under my belt, it could have sent me into a body image tailspin.   

I'm a savvy health consumer, and treading on the Internet always requires some amount of information awareness (a topic we really should teach more in schools...I know my teachers did discuss source-awareness but it isn't taught enough).  Caveat emptor...or something like it...but it is ridiculous that someone who knows enough to look for a hospital-affiliated site might still come away with poor guidance.

P.S.  I'm going to work hard to not let myself feel somehow bad about the personal stats in this post....the rational side of me knows my rant is no less valid because I can wear a size small. 

emBODYment

I confess...I am pondering emBODYment..and playing with words to make them work for me.  This is really long...feel free to skip the update and go to the second section if you so desire...

UPDATE

I had a second round of diagnostic injections a couple weeks ago.  The second doctor at the pain clinic had been on leave and I pretty much wanted to throw her a Welcome Back party when the appointment folks said she had returned.  I knew it would be a better fit when she actually talked to me before the procedure and tried to make me feel less nervous.  After being belittled for being scared the previous time I had needles poked in my spine, I took this as a good sign.  I had about an hour after the injection where my pain dropped significantly.  I put it at a 2 on the ever-popular 1-10 pain scale...I can't recall the last time I hit a 2.  It only seemed to last as long as the anesthetic though, instead of having additional relief from the other meds in the cocktail.

I was able to schedule the follow-up with Lady Pan Doc.  She never once made me feel attacked, which was amazing after feeling so belittled every time I saw the prior Pain Don.  She said that the results really weren't what they would hope and that it indicated that it didn't make sense to move to ablation of the nerves.  She suggested she approved of the pain meds I'm on (SUCH a change from being called a wimp and told to just deal w/ a daily level 8-9 pain unmedicated).  I mentioned I really didn't want to need to use them for the next 50 years and she said I took the next words out of her mouth.  I also said that the maintenance meds did help but I was still pretty bed-bound and I wasn't ready to concede that I'm going to spend the next 50 years in this state.  She was completely understanding.

She wasn't sure what the next move would be but then mentioned that she figured I had already tried a different medication avenue.  I had not, so we are trying a medicine that really targets nerve pain.  She noted that patients have reported increased appetite on the medicine...people have put on weight but she said it was not the medicine itself but the increased food intake.  Given my history, that makes me nervous and it felt like almost being asked "How bad do you want it (i.e. relief)?"  After four months in bed, having to save up energy for a couple hours upright a week for dinner out or to see friends, the answer is clearly that I want it bad enough to deal with the side effect (Side note: Of course, the day before the appt I had ordered a bridesmaid dress based on my current size...the fact that my measurements landed me in three different sizes so I needed help from the store owner might be fodder for a future thought burst.).

The medicine can also make you a bit fuzzy at first so it is another one I need to build up over a few weeks...one week at one dose, one week at two doses, and then move to the goal rate of three doses a day.  My online research has a lot of folks reporting good results with the medicine, though they noted they did have to wade through a transition time until they got used to it and the initial side effects faded.  After a minor SNAFU (b/c it would be too much to ask that it work easily) of the script being sent to the wrong pharmacy, I started it last night.  I am also getting some form of cream that I need to have mailed.  I'll try this routine for two months and then return (happily scheduled with Lady Pain Doc again and not the evil other doc).

I asked Lady Pain Doc if I may be looking at being on this new medicine for life.  She said that, if it worked, it would likely be a lifetime thing.  I'm not thrilled with that, but I'll do it if it gets me my life back.  On the good note, it would, hopefully, mean I can eventually stop the other pain meds which would be really great.

emBODYment

So, my new word. 

I think one of the challenges of chronic pain is the complex relationship it creates between the patient and her body.   I have never been particularly healthy.  As an infant, I got seriously ill after every round of immunizations and battled what was apparently a horrific case of diaper rash (Side Note: Apparently this required a diaper-free day and infant me greatly enjoyed the brush with nudism).  The migraines hit pretty young, but it was the mysterious hives that first really started the feeling of being trapped in a malfunctioning body rather than just having my body be a part of me.  The relationship grew more tenuous with the endo.  I think women should be able to embrace their bodies and their womanhood, but the endo makes that really difficult to pull off the "I am woman, hear my roar" mindset.

And then there's the eating and body image issues.  Those are really all about how one relates to one's physical being.  My struggles with those demons made it difficult to feel at peace with my body.  Binging was very much my soul and mind mistreating my body.  Over-exercising wasn't really any better.  I felt like my body was the primary element of "me".  I have definitely improved in this light, but there's still a tendency to look in the mirror and fight with my reflection.  This is especially true as I've lost the muscle tone that made me feel proud and helped me feel like I was in better harmony with myself. 

Now, the struggle of chronic pain.  Facing severe pain on a daily basis means feeling trapped inside a malfunctioning body.  It is impossible to forget that I am a creature with a body.  My body overwhelms my mind and soul.  The pain gets bad enough that my mind can't operate fully.  The mix of pain and medicine means there are times when I can't string a sentence together....a frustrating feeling for someone who likes to write.  I still do some ghost-writing for attorney blogs but there are days when I can't get the focus I need because I can't think beyond the pain.  Some days, I can fight.  Other days, the pain is just too much and I succumb and the pain wins. 

Chronic pain means being constantly emBODYed (and making up a version of a word to express it).  I know that I am more than just my body.  Knowing that is an accomplishment and an improvement from the worst periods of body image issues.  But still, dealing with chronic, severe pain makes never forgetting that I inhabit a body, that I am, inescapably, emBODYed.  Never being distinct from, or in charge of, my body is one of the biggest challenges of chronic pain.

love means being accepted for who you are....and wanting to make that person better for your loved one

I confess...I get corny a decent amount on here.  And this may veer into that territory, but I hope it contains some essential truth about love generally.  I believe that celebrating love means including not only romantic partners but also friends, family, and four-legged friends (or two if you have a pet penguin...and if you do, can I come over????).

As I recently wrote, I had Dar-inspired revelation about love during my recent 3 hour trek for a doctor's appointment.  Her lyric, "I don't know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me" is a wonderful summary of what I've learned in the past fourteen months.  I spent eight years in a relationship with someone who saw what he wanted me to be, not what I was/am.  And I did a bit of the same, assuming I should be in love with someone so perfect on paper.  In the show Wonderfalls (shared by perhaps my oldest, in time known, friend when I was recovering....I need to finish it sometime!), there's a character who is asked if her spouse is the man of her dreams and she says "He's the man of my list."  That felt familiar to me.  And I've realized that I was never fully happy because I never felt like I was "enough" for my partner.  He wanted someone who liked football, would debate a small point for hours, enjoyed cocktail parties with intellectual folks.  I was never that.  I never pretended I was, but maybe he pretended I might be.

And then I met MM.  I remember telling him all my "warts"...the endo, the back, the eating disorder, the bad marriage, the haunting of bullies from childhood who still live in my head...and telling him he needed to be honest and tell me if it was all too much.  After each addition, he simply said "Not scared yet."  I didn't know if he really meant it, if he even KNEW what it all meant, but he's proven he did.  He's sat by a recovery bed for hours so I wouldn't be alone, he's listened when I felt racked by guilt after a binge (without ever saying "just don't do it"....fyi, NOT helpful to say!), and he's sat through a lot of tears in recent weeks.  He sees me and, for reasons I can't always understand, loves me.  Despite/Because of all of it.  He'd support anything I did but doesn't ask me to be anyone else.

And yet.  He makes me want to be better.  I feel like he DESERVES the best possible me, precisely because he'd never ask for it.  I've cooked more in the year we've lived together than in all my life prior.  I'll never be in love with cooking, but I WANT to (at least once a month or so!) prepare him a nice meal when he comes home from a long day at work.

And I want to take care of me.  I've not been right lately.  I have zero energy.  I'm not sleeping well.  I am overeating and putting on some unwelcome pounds.  I can't get through my famous 6-7 mile walks....which tells a lot to people who know me since I stubbornly charge through them even when I feel ill.  I've been weepy too but I don't know if the blues are leading or following....if I feel crappy b/c of mental struggles or if I feel blue b/c I feel like crap.  I want to hide (and eat).  But, MM deserves better.  So I'm off to the doctor to be very very honest and get his thoughts.  After the Lexapro mess, I'm a bit scared to try medicine again, but maybe that's what I need.  I do believe depression can be like diabetes...you need the "insulin" to be normal.  I'm hoping there's another answer but I'm prepared if that's what I hear.  And I'll do it...I'll ask about withdrawal issues first, but I'll do it.  Because I need to take care of MM's girl.  Most of us struggle with taking care of ourselves but maybe re-framing can help -- I'll take care of myself b/c MM deserves the best possible me.

Beyond that all, it may be a total greeting-card-industry creation (at least in its size and manifestation), but it doesn't hurt to remind people to express love.  Happy Heart Day to my friends, family, and readers.  I don't really know how many people truly visit me here but I appreciate you "hearing" me and sharing in my journeys.

the binge monster

I confess....I have no one to blame but me.  And I realize that some people will hate me for complaining.  I also know a few others who will gloat in satisfaction at seeing me unhappy with such things (yes, I know you are out there....). 

I've steadily gained weight over the past four months.  It is where I can see it, on my belly, my thighs, and even my cheeks.  I have tried to get myself into a better pattern and simply failed.  It is ALL about the food.  I do my cardio and do strength work at PT.  I have dropped from 7 miles to 6 but that's really FINE, even good since I may have overdone it with seven days a week at 7 miles, and I know it.  I can't fix this with the 'mill. 

It is all about what I eat.  This is a challenge for everyone, I know.  With my Binge Eating history, it has a special level of challenge for me.  I can't seem to balance between "good" and "not" and I've felt like throwing in the towel of late.  I hit a really bad place last night....I intelligently got on the scale after overdoing it and saw numbers that made me want to curl up and die.  Yes, that's dramatic.  But it is also very very honest.  I started shaking.  I cried.  I wrote to a friend with similar battles.

The scale was NOT as bad this AM but still over 5lbs more than it was in November and a dozen pounds more than where I feel my best.  I'd write the numbers...I don't mind doing so....but I feel like someone might take offense at them or decide they aren't worthy of me feeling so upset (haters, judgers, you win on that one). 

It is NOT muscle.  Honestly, I think women don't gain nearly as much muscle poundage as we'd like to think (though muscles CAN hoard water and that CAN cause a scale spike). 

I don't want to leave the house.  Perhaps it is good that I have to.....first for PT and then for my little reporting gig.  PT will be practice for putting on a happy face and looking normal.  And luckily the camera I'm bringing to the event will not need to be trained on the rambling reporter.

Honestly....I am just not okay right now.  And it is really hard to explain it all.  I understand that ninety percent of people have had "bad body" days but I also know my mental monkeys (to use a word borrowed from another blogger) make it harder for me to overcome. 

I also know that only I can take the actions to feel better....which sound so easy but is so hard.  It is NOT that I want to hold on to the tears.  But I wonder if part of me is holding on to the identification as disordered?  Which sound sick and horrid but sorta fits with BED being a cousin of other EDs.  Most people (NOT all) now get that you can't just tell an anorexic to eat and I don't feel like I can just tell myself to STOP OVEReating. 

I want to crawl up and hide.  I am not, and part of that is because I KNOW I am not the only one.  I want one person to read this on the right day and to feel less alone. 

moving ahead into a heatlhier 2012....hopefully....

I confess...the first two weeks of 2012 have sucked.  I think the lexapo withdrawal is finally under control, but MM was kind enough to bring back a present from work in the form of a nasty cold.  I've gotten past the worst of the head symptoms, but still got the lovely post-nasal drip going on which makes me incredibly nauseous.  Not fun.

Anyway, I DO want to shed some weight (the few pounds dropped in w/d were just water weight and came back).  I will fully admit it is vanity weight, but it is still excess that I do not want.  My PT frequently comments on how small my kneecaps are (they are also tilted funny, apparently).  In my bigger days, I tried to deny that the wrist-test was accurate but I do have a fairly small frame.  When you combine that with being 5'4" on a good day (though the surgeon swore I'd be taller...by a few millimeters), a little weight makes a decent difference on me.  I feel my best at 115, a bit swollen over 120, and too skinny at 110.  Again, dear readers, this is for ME and MY BODY.  On most bodies, the  123ish range I've been in would be lovely.  It just isn't the ideal for me.

I'd actually looked a bit at NutriSystem.  I've always thought those programs work best for folks who know they have decent habits and are usually around where they want to be, but need a kick-start.  But they have a definite financial penalty if you are doing only one 28-day cycle instead of a longer stint.  I'd reached out to them but I'm not popular enough to get a blogger discount.  So I got grumpy and moved on.

My friend Lauren had mentioned Meal Movement so I decided to check it out.  It isn't cheap, especially for the long-term unemployed type, but it seemed like a fair price.  You can select different options but you pretty much get ALL your food instead of needing to supplement like many other plans.  They are semi on the Paleo concept of eating like our ancestors did.  I don't see myself in that long-term but it seemed reasonable for the 28-day run because it means a good deal of "real" food...a meat & veggie for both lunch and dinner and either nuts/seeds or cheese sticks/beef sticks for a snack.

So, I gave in.  I'm hoping the financial aspect is an added incentive to stick with it....the price IS reasonable if I don't go and "cheat."  I did the lunch, dinner, & snacks plan because the breakfasts seemed a bit high in calories for me.  They say you can do oatmeal instead....real oats, no sugary packet things.  I like that since I can really have two or even three bowls for the equivalent to their egg dishes but I can spread them out a little more.   I do miss my cereal and cracker/cookie snacks though....they are pretty strict on not going that route b/c of the sugar and such. 

The stuff arrived yesterday.  The box was HUGE, close to 50lbs.  Our freezer was half-empty and is now PACKED and that's with a few days in the fridge (can go in the fridge for up to 14d).  I've only had two meals but both were good.  I AM feeling hungry, but I've also been WAY "off track" lately and gotten used to way more food than I need so I need to adjust.  Hopefully this will re-acclimate me to eating a sane amount, help me shed a little bit, and just be a kick-start for getting to the body I prefer. 

Wish me luck!  I am def already wanting to cheat, but it's a weekend and MM is making himself bacon and other things so that's just an added challenge.  I won't update on it often but will let you know what I think after the experiment is over.

fighting through a rough spell

I confess....I'm struggling lately.

I've talked pretty openly about my food and body demons.  It was hard to hit "Publish Post" on my first post openly addressing my Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but I believe in living this fight openly.  It is a lonely and overlooked condition but an all-too common one.  I know I appreciate other women (and men, but I relate more to women) who share their fight because they make me feel less alone (hugs to Tina for a brave recent series on her fight).  And it is a very lonely fight.  A fight that is always present for me but goes in spurts where it is much easier.  And others where it is much worse.  I'm in the latter now.

I think there are a lot of reasons it acts up.  I always have a bit of trouble as Fall sets in, though usually more in November than September or October.  I also am definitely triggered by an interruption in my workout routine.  Surgery and a long recovery where I am limited to some walking is a pretty darn big interruption.  I get into a tough period where I am feeling bad about myself and feel like just giving in and seeking comfort in food.  It is a nasty cycle that builds on itself.

I've put on some weight.  It isn't dramatic.  I'd lost a bit in 2011 and I am pretty much just where I was in December or so.  That is a bit deceptive though since I have lost a good bit of muscle.  There's nothing I can do about that and I try to keep in mind that I only get one shot at a proper recovery (and my bones fusing well) but I can always get my triceps back.  I can say that over and over and I do know it is true, but it doesn't make watching my toned arms go mushy any easier. I almost slapped a girl who said this once (when I was a bit bigger), but a small gain really does feel more dramatic when you are at a small-to-average size.

I can't pinpoint what gets me out of these cycles.  Sometimes, I do almost have to hit a bottom first, but it usually just stops.  I know my best times are marked by consistency in my life overall but it really just seems like a magic wand is either there or missing.  MM is being supportive.  He doesn't really understand it, but I don't expect him to....no one who hasn't been there truly can. 

BED and the physical aftermath is markedly different from other types of weight gain (not that those are easy).  A BED lapse involves a mental place that is not the same as a normal spell of overeating, even emotional eating.  It is an addiction.  Giving in feels like a relief.  Like freedom.  Until it doesn't...but even the post-binge feeling is different from just the bloaty guilt after indulging too much. 

I am fighting.  I may falter in moments or days but I will keep fighting.  A big part of the battle is just getting past each fall, allowing yourself to move on rather than dwell which leads to deciding it is all futile and easier just to give in.  It is hard to avoid that. 

So, I'm in a rough spot.  But I am reminding myself it well end.  And putting on my fighting gloves.  I know it is worth it.  I want to be "better" and have so many reasons to get there. 

pondering woman-ness -- pro-sisterhood but never embracing my own

I confess...I often wish I felt more deeply in tune with being a woman.  I'd love to be more of an Earth Goddess.  Not in the sense of growing out my leg hair (fine if you like it but I was beyond thrilled when I could finally shave after surgery) or wearing hippie-style skirts, but just more in touch with womanhood.  I'm all for the "sisterhood" causes...I've written about letting women choose and believe in supporting women globally as they fight to be heard.  But, I've just never FELT overly woman-like.

I'm not a girly-girl.  I do love my pedicures and can obsess over my hair, but lack any interest in handbags, expensive shoes, make-up stores the size of stadiums, and purse-dogs.  But I'm cool with all that.  Despite what commercials seem to suggest, I don't think these traits define female-ness.  What I want, what I wish I had, is more primal.  It is a feeling of being in your physical self and appreciating the power of the female body.

I was never aching to start my period.  It felt like a burden and I was mortified when my mom quickly called all our relatives to share the event.  I didn't really even await the boob-fairy, although I've since often been annoyed she passed me over (seriously, dresses gape with space for assets I do not have and halter tops look boring with nothing to halter).  Of course, the endometriosis battle complicates this as well.  It is hard to love a body that turns on you of its own accord.

To be clear, I am very much a woman...this is NOT some sort of big announcement.  I'm a straight woman, in a woman's body (and can't imagine the terror of feeling wrongly-assigned).  I don't feel any envy for guys and carrying around all that extra stuff in your jeans seems like a nuisance.  But, while I'll make pro-woman statements, I've just never felt the power in womanhood that some others seem to feel.  I'm jealous of that.  I'm jealous of women who can embrace the natural shifts in our hormones (some DO still happen, per my doc, despite me being on continuous hormonal birth control for the endo).  I'm especially envious of women who can appreciate the female form.  I can tell other women that our thighs are meant to be and that our bodies are programmed to carry extra fat because nature values us and our ability to nurture new lives.  But I can't look at my own body with that framework as a dominant force.

I'm 33 so I'm not new to the whole womanhood game.  And I think the women I have known who truly fit my model of "embracing the goddess" were that way even in their twenties.  Heck, I met a young woman once who was sixteen and swore she could pinpoint when she ovulated and really enjoyed pampering herself when her cycle told her she should.  I know some women come to their womanhood after child-bearing, but I also think there are plenty of women who choose not to have kids and still feel something I'm missing.

I do think being in a strong relationship has helped a bit....MM is very positive towards me in all ways when it comes to my body and having grown up with four older sisters means he is pretty understanding of the complexities of women.  I also think it helps when I've been able to be active and seen my body show muscle while never being at all masculine (again, ladies, weights will NOT make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger).  I do believe every woman has a unique physique...we eventually need to admit what ours is...and that's where I feel I'm at my best body.  Not being there, even if it does oddly mean being a bit softer which some call more feminine, doesn't help.  But, even when I knew I was at my "right" place, I just never felt the deep connection that I've seen in other women.

I've been pondering this one for a few days and this is definitely more of a "on my mind" post than a post with a clear point or a solution.  Just what I'm pondering this week. 

taking control back (from the cookies)

I confess...I'm feeling VERY un-body positive.  I know I am not truly overweight, but I'm not where I want to be and not feeling good.

I generally do not advocate "diet" as a four-letter word.  I prefer to define it as simply "what one eats" and as "lifestyle" rather than a short-term fix.  I tend to scoff a bit at pre-packaged plans or shakes or such thing because they aren't something one can sustain.  That said, I have said in the past that I think such plans can be good for a "blip"...getting rid of a more specific weight gain in a generally healthy lifestyle.  And that's where I am.  I've simply indulged too much in comfort food during my recovery.  Healing does take fuel, but not like I've given it.

Of course, I made it Sunday and Monday before faltering on Tuesday.  But I'm trying to let that pass. 
I suspect I'll still have off-days (weekends, likely...though this week is odd since it is MM's work w/e). I need those in my week.   But I want to get control of the other days and to just get back where I like to be.  And not let the off-days be TOO insane (which they can be).

I'm a daily weigh-er and the scale showed this lapse more than normal....significantly more (seriously, higher than it had been Sunday morning after more than one "off" day).  I know this is why one isn't really supposed to weigh daily, but it's not a habit I see changing.  I do try to keep it in context and I know I fluctuate a good bit.  I have this fear it'll be an "up" day on the one day I weigh if I go weekly. 

No starving...I need nutrition for my bones to grow and heal the back.    I am also noticing a loss of muscle tone...especially in my arms. I can't do much about that for right now.  I can, however, take action and control rather than moping (and eating even more to comfort myself). 

rainy rambles

I confess...I had a screening interview that asked about my presentation style and I totally confessed my love for bulletpoints.

• We got a reverse-911 emergency services call last night warning of 7+ inches of rain.  MM felt bad about it but did ask I try and tend to our wet basement occasionally during the day.  I started with a towel but that wasn't back friendly...filled half a gallon bucket with wetness that way and then wised up to using a sponge mop for the next half bucket.  Slower but back-friendlier.
• MM and I survived my cooking last night.  Made my mussels dish.  Since it says to use pepper "to taste", I never put in the same amount and it was less spicy this time but still yummy and you could appreciate the tomato and basil flavors more.  Sadly, one plastic bowl did not survive my klutzy-ness.  It is well and good to pour the mussels into a bowl to serve more easily, but one should NOT put said plastic bowl on the stovetop when doing so (insert "I'm truly an idiot" smiley here).
• First follow-up doc appt is tomorrow.  I'm still in a lot of pain and know as soon as four hours is up and the one med wears off.  I've tried to reduce it but my body isn't ready yet.  The weather does NOT help.  The appt also involves an x-ray which I'm nervous about.  Fusion surgery is kinda cool in that the surgeon facilitates but your body really does the healing by growing bone.  The x-ray will show if that's happening...it usually does, but some patients "fail to fuse" so fingers crossed.
• I am thinking about a short-term style diet fix beginning sunday and then pretty much weekdays for a bit.  I do NOT usually recommend these but I DO think they can help for folks who generally have good habits and put on a few pounds due to an outlying event.  I will be sure it is a protein and calcium-rich plan and it won't be for too long...just getting back on track.  Waiting till Sun since there are dinner plans Thurs and Sat.
• I am not girly, but my hair does go nutty in wet weather so I can be a bit of a rain-phobic.  I have also been feeling sympathy for the local teen girls as it has poured yesterday and today.  First two days of school AND frizz are not fun (well, I was clueless as a teen, but it would majorly suck for a non-total-dork).
• Watched the first episode of Wonderfalls on DVD.  Totally fun, quirky world.  Speaking of which, I can't wait for Community to start.  My Abed love trumps over my total dislike for Chang.
• Hoping to get the nod for PT from the doctor.  There's a new PT place really close to us but I can't find any history on it....or really on anything in our town.  My awesome Boston PT was asking around in State College for me but so far doesn't have a recommendation (he volunteered to help...we've stayed in touch regarding my progress and the surgery choice).  Everything is REALLY tight and I can't really stretch on my own.  And I want to build back muscle without harming anything so need the professional guide.
• I was sent home from the hospital with a sponge-on-a-stick for foot and leg cleansing without bending.  I quickly upgraded to a nicer back brush.  Seriously, a new item on my favorite things list.  More for how great it feel on my back than the actual leg-cleansing that I bought it to do.  It will definitely remain post-healing.  (I want to give this a good review but don't want to create another freakin' login account...I have had no problems with the product).
• I HATE the PSA that tried to tell parents their babies will all die of whooping cough if the parents aren't vaccinated.  They say "up to 80% of babies get it from family members."  Of course, that is only for babies who GET IT at all and the small print notes the statement only qualifies where they can identify the source.  Well, OF COURSE that's true.  Babies are around mostly family and professional caregivers, the latter of whom are likely required to keep up with vaccines.  And, if they get it from some stranger in an elevator, then there won't BE an identified source and it won't be counted towards the stat.
• One bonus to central PA versus MA is that my fall allergies have at least waited until early-September instead of starting up in mid-August. 
• Allergies make me think of puppies.  I like puppies.  No, I cannot have a hypoallergenic one...they STILL bother me.  And I want a golden lab.  I'll just keep a puppy in my head.  Bonus: no poop-scooping. 
• An addition -- After hearing about it for a while, MM and I finally tried Pinnacle Gummy.  We all know I'm a red wine girl (promise I'm not as much a lush as I sound like!!), but the Pinnacle flavors are kinda cool...esp the chocolate whipped cream!  Gummy seriously tastes like Swedish Fish....well, vodka soaked Swedish Fish (I recall folks soaking gummy bears, but not the red fish). It is a bit eerie.

inventory

I confess...I'd been doing some check-in posts but it's been a wile so I think it I'm due.  As I gave this post thought, I decided it needed both topic headers AND bullet points.  I heard the voice of some English teacher from days gone by saying lists needed more than one entry.  I have decided I can break that rule if I decide to.  I can be a grammar stickler (esp. for ads and printed material) but I figure my blog is a rule-free zone.  For me, as I do very much enjoy my posts of rules for others to follow.

Body

• I had some flares with the endo but it has quieted (knock on cyberspace).  I have a theory....I like theories and rarely require any actual backing.  I am definitely sensitive to pheromones and such.  I have a memory of a law school classmate making an emergency trip home from a night out and joking she was mad I didn't warn her that she should expect a monthly visitor...she was always a day or two behind me.  I am on the Pill...I am "on the Pill plus" since I use it for the endo and don't take the 4th week "off" (normal women take the 4th week as placebos pills).  Nonetheless, a doc told me my body still does some amount of natural cycling/hormone-making.  In the distant past, I noticed I got a bit of spotting (yeah, TMI) whenever X went out of town.  So, theory: I think the flare was adjusting to MM in close proximity (esp. the sleeping hours).  My body knows him now so it is better.
• The back continues to plague me.  It never got better and flared back to extreme levels after one of the many snow shoveling days of winter.  I've been seeing a new doc...one of the partners in Doctor Dad's practice.  Yes, I do appreciate having a little star by my name.  The current thought is Degenerative Disc Disease L5/S1.  I have a bone scan Monday (ummm...I prefer not to say tomorrow since it involves an injection and I do not do well with needles) then likely another evaluation procedure (that one sounds awful but needed).  I am in pain.  I need meds and hate that.  I am angry at my body.  But I am trying to focus on moving ahead.

Heart & Soul

• I met a boy on NYE, but you know this already and we call him MM here.  He is awesome.  I am amazed by the person he is, the way I feel with him, and the way I see myself in his eyes.  And he's sitting next to me and looks cute.
• This bullet is transitional (guess that English major is still in there) and about transitions.  MM has made me see my eight years with X in a new light.  As I have said before, I have realized I loved X because I decided I should....that it was time to fall in love and that he fit my list of "should-haves" for a match.  But it wasn't ever right.  I don't intend that to say bad things about X, just about "X plus RamblerGal" (I need a name for me too) wasn't right.  I am angry at myself for the lost eight years and for not knowing they were spent with the wrong person (again, about "us" more than about "him").  But that time helped ready me for the right match, for one I felt totally in my heart and not because it was paper-perfect.  It made me ready to feel more confident when my heart chose and to remember all my best decisions were ones I knew in my gut more than in my head (college, car, white dress, even a couch).
• The formal process of no loner being legally a Mrs. is still on-going.  A big step is at the end of the month when we have a hearing.  It is utterly ridiculous that I need to travel all the way back to MA to appear in person to say it is done when we've already dealt with all the money stuff and there are no kids to worry about.  I get that it shouldn't be EASY.  I get that some of this is to protect against financial issues.  But it is just a pain.  And a pricey pain when I live far away.

Job

• Still unemployed.  Not really going to say much more in public on that.

Body Image/ED Stuff

• I've been mixed on eating.  Limited true binges, but plenty of not-so-great days where I verged that way and the beast was there. I know my danger zones (being alone, non-gym days, knowing I'll be splurging later) but still can struggle.
• A friend linked my to a site about another woman who struggles with binge issues.  She eats a "paleo" diet which isn't for me, but the following words (which Lauren actually put in a comment) are immensely helpful to me: "Someone once told me that you can never condemn a disordered eater for their habits, because the actions they are taking are the best ways they know how to deal with the demons inside them."
• MM does help me feel good about my body.  Major props.
• Been decent about getting in weight training.  It is important for many reasons...it is good to keep my body strong to help with the back, it helps keep the metabolism stoked, and it makes me look cuter.  Did skip my 2nd day this week (back and lower body) but I think that was also the right call since I was in too much pain and it would have hurt my form which is dangerous.
• Still get frustrated being kept in slo-mo on the treadmill.  The upside to unemployment is that I can still push out a good number of miles since I've got the time to spend.  I've gotten into a routine that gives me good distraction TV on weekdays which helps too.
• The gym is mean and closes at 2 on weekends.  It makes my patented routine of being lazy but still working out much more difficult.

Reading, Writing, No Arithmetic

• I sent the article I wrote on Binge Eating to the woman whose blog I quoted above.  She gave some good thoughts but I've been too lazy to incorprate them.  I want to though.  It'd be such an amazing dream to publish it.  I want the feeling for myself and I also really want even one more sufferer to feel less alone.
• I've gotten back into reading and often spend an hour or two reading in bed while MM goes to sleep (he gets up early for work).  It is something that I really enjoy and it enriches my life.  The Harper folks and some Amazon gift money are helping keep it financially viable.

Randomness

• This could go under body issues but I've decided it is THEIR issue not MINE.  I haven't gotten measured lately, but at last check I was a 32A.  First, many stores don't carry a 32.  Second, if they do, there is often a LOT of padding involved.  TMI, but I'm quite sensitive to cold and do like a solid lining to avoid unwelcome attention.  But I don't feel the need to fake what isn't there....at least not in a daily wear bra.  I'm proportional and I'm fine (well, mostly) with the lack of certain assets.  Why do the stores/manufacturers insist that I need improvement?
• MM gave me a necklace, not a major gift, just a token (though my V-day gift is also a necklace and it finally shipped last week).  I kept the charm and traded out the chain.  It is shaped like a dog tag with the air force symbol and says "Off-Limits Private Property U.S.A.F."  It makes me smile.  And, no, I'm not anyone's property....it still makes me smile.

mixed messages -- Vogue vs Walmart

I confess...these thoughts have been rattling inside my brain for a while, but I'm not sure if they are going to come out in any sort of orderly fashion.

Any follower of my blog knows that I have more than my share of body image and food issues.  I spent way too much mental energy on them.  I didn't give any thought to my body until my early 20s.  While that was mentally easier, it was also far from ideal since it led to quite a hefty weight gain in college and I was apt to take multiple servings of dessert and never gave too much thought to the whole exercise thing. 

It isn't quite the same, but I was reminded of this in Jen Lancaster's Such A Pretty Fat.  Jen concludes that her self-confidence and love for her body, despite it being larger than social norms, actually stood in the way of health.  But then struggles a bit to find balance as her journey to lose weight and get healthy lead to some struggles with image and a strained relationship with food.  Like with my own journey, it becomes complicated to decide what "healthy" is...it isn't healthy to hate oneself (as I have done...hating my body appearance is a separate battle from hating my body for the pain) but it isn't good to be blind either.  Obviously, the ideal is a middle ground where the motivation is about being healthy and being one's best self, but that is a very elusive space.

I've also been off on a semi-related mental tangent about social messages.  We hear plenty of media bashing for the portrayal of a very narrow range of body types, many of which have been altered by surgery (only a VERY few women are that thin and still have that level of boobage..they exist, but they are rare) or photo-magic.  I do understand the argument that we like to look at pretty people but also agree that I'd like a more balanced media portrayal of bodies, especially women's although I think it increasingly applies to men too. 

But I also wonder about distorted social messages.  I was out-and-about not long ago (okay, it was Walmart...which plays into stereotypes but that's where I was) and looking at bodies.  The vast majority were not a healthy size.  I'd heard reports before that people are often in denial about their own unhealthy weight, and that of their children, and wondered about it.  I didn't give thought to my body in my heavier days, but I knew it wasn't ideal and would have answered as such.  I have been thinking a lot about how overweight and obesity issues multiply and build on each other.  If the bodies I saw at Walmart are the bodies one sees every day, then unhealthy (and, ideally, abnormal) becomes normal.  We judge ourselves by our surroundings.  Many years ago, I made note of the social and class differences at my old law firm where the attorney women were thin (and white) while the secretaries tended to a higher BMI (and more were African-American).  I think this is the Walmart experience in a microcosom...our norm is based on our environment.  As heavy becomes normal, it becomes harder to recognize that it isn't ideal (for health).  We hear a LOT bashing the media for its messages but I don't think we pay as much attention to the Walmart effect.

I don't know if I'll ever have a child but I worry about helping mesh all the messages into something positive.  I don't want to pass on my fixations and concerns and damaging body image, but I also want to be sure to pass on a message of caring for one's body with exercise and proper diet (diet = food we eat, not some short-term plan).  I think the key is sending messages about health rather than appearance, but it seems hard.  Especially when Walmart and and Vogue are making it hard to find a healthy norm.

P.S.  I took a bit of mental energy to write this.  I'm not proofing.  So apologies for messy grammar and poor connecting sentences...really, those things drive me nutty but also mean I'd spend way too much time if I tried to perfect this.

cheers

I confess...I'm not giving up my diet soda. You can point me to proof it's bad for me, but I'm hanging on to that bad habit. I know it hurts my bones and has evil chemicals. I know it would be good to stop. But I have no plan to do so (and, while I appreciate links friends shared recently, I don't need any further information on it).

I am, however, working on another habit. I'm not religious (technically, I'm Jewish but see that as more cultural than religious...I do love my Quakers but I think I am truly an agnostic) so it isn't a Lent thing, though I notice the timing. I have noted before that I don't "do" New Year's Resolutions because I believe we make changes when the changes are ready to be made. And I think this is a ready point for me.

I am going to take the month of March away from alcohol. To be clear, I am not an alcoholic. I don't have a problem with it and I expect it'll come back in time. My normal habit has been some wine on Friday and Saturday night. Rarely more than 3 glasses, usually over a long period of time and with food. I'll have a bottle over Friday and Saturday...with glasses spread from 1PM to 10PM (note: it wasn't till after work hours when that was an issue). I simply enjoy red wine. I love the flavor and the texture. And the little bit of relaxation doesn't hurt.

I've been drinking more than that lately. I blame that on the early relationship phase where you just go out more and feel like celebrating. It isn't an amount I/we would ever have sustained over a long period. We absolutely get along wonderfully sober so it isn't some sort of relationship crutch. We are just as happy and content sober and relaxing at home as we are out and about or home with an open Malbec. It really is just having fun together and celebrating the fact that we found each other.

But it has been too much. I could step back to my normal zone. I think my normal zone is completely healthy for me. But I'm also in a horrid fight with my body. The endo and back have both been fierce fighters. On the doctor's beloved pain scale, I think 8 is becoming status quo. I am being proactive on the back and seeing a new doc on the 21st. I am trying to work with my body. It isn't smart to become bedridden and I mentally can't give up the gym but I'm taking care and trying not to push. I can't let the endo be an excuse, it won't go away and the workout won't harm it. The back is a mixed bag. Being active is good for back pain but I know it throws my form off and I want to avoid secondary injuries (this is from experience)

I'm tired a lot. I blame the pain. No one without chronic pain can really understand how totally draining it is. I sleep a lot. And have little physical energy during the day. My weekdays are really simple...I stay in bed, I get up and watch TV while going online and doing job apps plus more enjoyable stuff, I eventually stumble to the gym, I check in online, I watch TV. I'm still constantly tired. I can get through my workout with the blessing of endorphins and with the drill sergeant in my head (not always a friend to me and my body...). Body Tired, not always Sleepy Tired. The tired where you just need to sit and let your body sink away.

I'm also not thrilled with my weight. I've dropped a little bit since the New Year.  Smiling around the new guy must burn calories since it clearly hasn't been diet-related (note: in my world, "diet" = "food I eat", not a restriction plan). I'd really love to drop a little more. It is pure vanity. It isn't health. My body is at a healthy weight and I look fine. I know people would correct that and say "more than fine." I have image issues but even I can see that my weight is only an issue to me and that my current form is plenty slim. But I still feel best a bit trimmer and the goal level isn't unhealthy eaither.

So...I've decided I want to feel in control and that taking a break from the alcohol will help. I last had a drink on Thursday (yes, I had too many then..which spurred the self-eval). I am not having another in March. I may continue beyond that, but no promises. This is a health move, to see how my body reacts. It is also a mental challenge. I do like the idea of asserting control over it even though I am not an alcoholic and it isn't really something that controls me. It isn't an addiction (the diet soda totally is...I do know that) but it is certainly a habit. I like the idea of trying this. I also REALLY like the money it will save. The guy is doing it too, he is planning to stick with it even longer, and I know it will be a huge budget boost. Again, we'd never have kept up the early dating habits forever, but our tabs haven't been cheap. We can totally find other uses for that cash.

That's the plan. If you know me in person, know that I'm not drinking for a while. Know that I am NOT pregnant...everyone assumes that when a woman isn't drinking but I promise it isn't the case. I may go past March, I may not. If I say "no thanks" to a drink, please let it pass at that. If I go back to my wine after March, I won't see that as any sort of defeat. If I don't, please still respect that (and continue to avoid that darn pregnancy assumption!!). Again, I know I don't have a problem with alcohol...I have my issues, that really isn't one. Just deciding to try an experiment and see where it goes.

Cheers (w/ my Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper)?

me: a user's guide...

I confess....I despise "about me" sections. Law school applications required a vaguely labeled "personal statement" and I used my space to talk about how ridiculous it is to encapsulate a person in one page. So, this is NOT an "about me" and it is in no way all-inclusive. It is, however, a bit of a users guide...it isn't everything (I know I'll think of more as soon as I hit "publish post"), but it gives some idea of things you should know if you are going to be in my world.

Here we go:

• I live with chronic pain. I have had endometriosis for a long time and more recently have a painful back problem (minor in medical terms, but painful nonetheless). Living with pain is very tiring so I can be pretty low energy and sometimes putting on an outside face takes a LOT out of me. I try to warn people when the pain is bad...I know it makes me grumpier and snappy. I haven't had any medicine in a while given transitions in my life but I felt like the days that I treated pain gave me a glimpse into normalcy....and I am jealous.
• I have eating and body problems. I do NOT expect anyone to really understand them. By nature, they are not rational. If you are going to be close to me, I won't ask for understanding but you will likely need to live with the impacts at time (like me needing to "be good" sunday to thursday with a few self-guided exceptions). I do fight it. I do work on it. But I think I will always be recovering, never totally recovered. I feel guilt when it impacts others. But it does. And I will always have days that I see a fat girl in the mirror.
• I worry that people I consider friends don't really like me. I honestly am fine with people not liking me. You don't need to like me. I just want to KNOW. I don't want to be where I'm not wanted.
• In some ways, I am very low-maintenance. I don't want much in the way of material goods. I hate making gift lists. I will spend money on food, wine, and books. I've only worn real make-up for weddings...I recently bought a tinted moisturizer (darn thirties kicking in more) and that feels totally odd to me. I do however require more emotional maintenance. I can't define that well. I need validation.
• I consider myself smart. I know I have a fast brain. This can come across as a "better than thou" attitude. I think, though, that I am really good at understanding different intelligences and fortes. I think other people have better memories, musical skills, social intelligence, and more. I do watch and evaluate people but I am more likely to focus on the characteristics I wish I had than any area in which I might be "superior".
• Likewise, I know I come of as snobby sometimes. I really don't think I'm better than anyone. I don't like beer or football or slapstick comedy. I don't really understand some things that I don't indulge in. But I don't think any less of others for their own preferences.
• I have a love/hate relationship with my hair. It stands out. People know me by it and don't always recognize me if it is pulled back. Some days, I do think it is pretty. Others, I wish I could chop it all off (I can't...I'd look like an electrocuted troll doll). It frizzes if it even hears about fog or rain and makes me fear them.
• I don't sleep well. Until my twenties, I thought it was normal to take a minimum of one hour from "lights out" time before falling asleep. I am jealous of folks who fall asleep when they hit the pillow.
• I need a good bit of alone time. And truly alone...not hiding in a sports bar among strangers, not even being in the living room when others are upstairs working. I recharge alone. Alone isn't always lonely for me....I often feel loneliest in crowds. Needing time alone is about me, not about anyone else.
• I have trouble trusting people. Again, this is much more about me than about the other people.
• I like lists. But hate that they never feel complete. I'll want to edit this. But I'm not going to...

where i'm at

I confess...that I've said it before and will say it again, I like habit and routine and "normalcy". Although I've found some day-to-day routines in the past month, I'm still off-kilter and I don't do well with that.

I'm continuing the job search. I have several pending applications and two upcoming phone interviews...all of which are wins in themselves in this economy. I have focused on a few job types, but I'm still pretty open which in itself can be a struggle...it's much harder to plug "unsure" into Monster! I do have a few ideal job types and skill sets I'd like to use (so if you stumbled on this in vetting me...it is EXACTLY what your opening is), but it's still hard.

I'm struggling too on the weight front. I've had pretty awful "off days," including a "bonus" one last week. I really felt best at 115 but knew I might not be able to stay there and be healthy. I did, however, promise myself not to go back over 120. I'm more often in the 125 area now and I just feel blubbery and icky. I feel the need to put a disclaimer in when I talk about weight...I judge myself much more harshly than I judge others. I have no doubt I'd think another 5'4" gal would look great at my current size. I know I see myself through cloudy eyes. The rise in numbers (scale and jeans size) don't lie though and I just don't like it. At the same time, it is a huge struggle to stay on track, even on my "good days". I hate being a walking contradiction...wanting to have my cake (okay, wine and ice cream is more accurate) and my jeans size too.

I did spend the past weekend with part of my family I hadn't seen in many years. It did create a bit of a funny mental moment. I probably met my step-sisters on my dad's side about 10 years ago. They are close to my age and very nice but I haven't lived in the area so don't know them very well. They are both married (with kids). The laugh-in-my-head moment was realizing that they were all popular and social kids back in high school and it felt kinda surreal for me (quiet, bookish, studious, Saturday night studier) to be hanging out and chatting with them. And to feel comfortable doing so and feel welcomed and wanted.

Other "updates"....(bullet style, b/c it is nice and organized looking),,,,

• I have a horrid fear of highway driving, especially merging, but managed to drive the 2 hours to Lancaster and back (including the turnpike and another "merging needed" road. I still have the tension in my back and did it at very off hours (Friday at 1, Sunday at 10:30..) but survived which is good.
• I named my GPS Wilma. Get it??? The car is Betty and the GPS is Wilma :) It was between Wilma and Veronica. I amuse me (and likely only me...).
• I'm still reading a lot...just did a re-read of a long book to avoid insane book bills. I also am almost finished another HarperCollins review book.
• I need to buy more face moisturizer...I know, very exciting.
• I got my car insurance squared away. It is effective 8/15. Then I need to get the car re-titled, tagged, etc here in PA by the end of August. I also will need a PA license since mine expires at the end of the year. Ain't moving fun?
• I was highly amused that the jeans that fit me best at the Gap were "Curvy" style. I am so not curvy.

"to do"

I confess...I'm feeling overwhelmed. I think I tend to be pretty even-keeled...I'm not Miss Happy-Go-Lucky, but I don't switch emotions quickly or bounce between highs and lows. These days, it's different. I feel okay one moment, hopeful and expectant the next, overwhelmed and scared after that, and sometimes just like crawling in bed with tissues and wallowing in self-pity. It isn't an easy state, but I think it is "normal" and "expected" and it will pass.

I have a lot of things on my checklist. Mostly practical things...changing mailing addresses, packing, cleaning things up at that bank. I'll get those handled, with lots of help (including from my parents and from Jason too). There are "bigger" things too though...a few:

• Getting a job. Getting the RIGHT job. I have an interview on the 6th for a job I think would be a terrific fit....but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself imagining myself there (okay, so I looked at apartment prices). I want a job where I am productive and helpful and valued and feel fulfilled. It will also help to have something else to focus on.
• Getting my weight in line. I'd gained a bit even before the "D" word. And I've put on more. Finally it is totally normal to dig to the bottom of a pint of B&Js. Okay, frankness. I felt best when my weight was around 115...most days a little below (I like wiggle room). Now it is usually around 122 or so. It is NOT a lot. I know that I am still at a perfectly fine weight. And maybe it is where I am meant to be. I am giving myself a bit more wallowing time but then I need to just get it under control and get it steady (i.e. maybe losing a little but then maintaining). So...a bit more time to do whatever is comforting, but then just getting into a healthier state. I'd also like to avoid needing to buy new pants.
• Getting to know a "me" that isn't part of a "we." I think I have always had a pretty solid sense of self. I don't think I lost that being married. But I got used to having a "we"-side. It's just a change.
• Feeling more steady. Swings are fine and normal for a bit. But not forever. The pendulum arc WILL get smaller.
• Finishing a piece I'm writing and submitting it to a Glamour magazine contest. I don't expect to win. Luckily, I don't have the big trauma-type story that tends to be the winner. But I like the idea of simply trying.

our bodies, our selves

I confess...I'm worried about saying this right.

It seems like one of many issues that cycles in and out of the media spotlight is body acceptance. This comes in several forms including a call for "real women" models, articles highlighting the role of retouching in photos, and advocacy groups embracing "fat acceptance." I always find myself feeling a wide-range of contradictory responses to these movements. I support them all. I support reality and love. But in practice...

The reality is, I'd probably rather the model in Glamour look just a step or two above average....and a step or two above me...especially in a piece about fitness. I want someone whose figure looks good but also attainable. And attainable without an army of trainers and cooks and dietitians and make-up artists. In a random article, I'd love to see a wider range of bodies. But many of my magazines have a health-bent and it just makes for them to show a healthy body.

And I think body love and body acceptance need to be balanced with a quest for health. I think the young woman from Precious is lovely and talented and I am glad she seems to love herself. But I also think that loving yourself should mean trying to keep yourself healthy. And, while fat and fit aren't the polar opposites that many presume them to be, obesity is rarely healthy. Thin isn't always healthy either....way too many women are "perfect" on the scale but have poor body composition either due to avoiding the weight room or to unhealthy dietary habits.

I'm not the role model here. I wasn't when I was heavier and paid no mind to downing fries everyday and multiple servings of dessert. I'm not now, when my mind sees things that aren't there and my relationships with my body and with food are fraught with difficulty. Health is more than just one's figure.

I want the world to embrace a range in our definition of beauty. I want women (and men) to love who they are regardless of the labels their bodies may carry...I want to be able to do that myself. But I also want us to be healthy. I don't want to hear about kids with "adult-onset" diabetes and heart disease. I don't want people to think fast food is daily food. I don't want to find that the shorts I bought in the "Girls" department (hey, they were for the gym and were $2 cheaper there!) are too big for me....yes, I got XL and I'm on the smaller side, but I'm an adult and have some hips and such that a kid shouldn't.

I worry about messages. If all we see is unhealthy bodies, it skews our normal. But it isn't any better for little girls to want to look like a runway model. How do we balance our messages?

More importantly: Can we love ourselves and still strive to be our healthiest selves? Is wanting to be healthier and to be our best selves in conflict with loving who we are?

anxious, or not, or maybe so

I confess...I'm taking it in stride, and somehow worried about that.

I've been injured for a while. Rest really hasn't helped, but doing much at all is completely out of the question....it hurts just to walk to the ladies room (which I do more since I'm not dehydrated from a morning w/o)...heck, it hurts even sitting or lying down. I have an appointment next week to get things looked at and get more advice. So I'm being "good" and "smart."

I've done surprisingly well with not working out, compared to past experiences where it was pretty anxiety producing. Now here's the frank part with the admission I don't want to really make...I think that's because I also started on an antidepressant (another blogger helped me realize the importance of being frank about these things...more people need to be). I'm not sure if it has made me less anxious or if it is the fact that it has definitely made me more lethargic. I feel a bit bad about the missed treadmill dates but not the way I would have. And I haven't felt the need to cut back on food or anything. I have had MORE "off" days...but that's actually normal for me when I am gym-limited and related to both my birthday, the holidays, and it just being cold out.

But there's a part of me that's really worried by my lack of worry. It is FINE now...it is GOOD now...when I really should NOT being pressing myself and SHOULD be resting. But will my motivation come back? I KNOW I can (and should) cut my normal mileage back a bit...but it would not be healthy to stop entirely either. Especialy if I continue with the extra dining after the holidays end.

Really, only I can get anxious about not being anxious. It's a talent.

oversharing

I confess...this is another food-issues post.

My husband recently said he'd never heard me refer to my food issues as an addiction. This surprised me since I definitely have compared it to alcoholism when talking to people about it, especially others with similar battles. Not to diminish the struggles of an alcoholic, but in a way I think a food-related addiction is harder. I can't go cold-turkey...

We were recently at an event that had a buffet-style brunch. It was not a seated event which meant I wouldn't be noticeable (or as noticeable) for getting up and reloading again and again. And it became a bad food event for me. I thought about it a lot and at first mentally compared it to an alcoholic at a place with an open bar. Then I revised that...I HAD to eat something...so it was like taking an alcoholic to an open bar and saying "Have two drinks, then stop." No one would really expect that to work...but those of us with food battles face that type of thing at every turn.