Monday, February 6, 2012

the binge monster

I confess....I have no one to blame but me.  And I realize that some people will hate me for complaining.  I also know a few others who will gloat in satisfaction at seeing me unhappy with such things (yes, I know you are out there....). 

I've steadily gained weight over the past four months.  It is where I can see it, on my belly, my thighs, and even my cheeks.  I have tried to get myself into a better pattern and simply failed.  It is ALL about the food.  I do my cardio and do strength work at PT.  I have dropped from 7 miles to 6 but that's really FINE, even good since I may have overdone it with seven days a week at 7 miles, and I know it.  I can't fix this with the 'mill. 

It is all about what I eat.  This is a challenge for everyone, I know.  With my Binge Eating history, it has a special level of challenge for me.  I can't seem to balance between "good" and "not" and I've felt like throwing in the towel of late.  I hit a really bad place last night....I intelligently got on the scale after overdoing it and saw numbers that made me want to curl up and die.  Yes, that's dramatic.  But it is also very very honest.  I started shaking.  I cried.  I wrote to a friend with similar battles.

The scale was NOT as bad this AM but still over 5lbs more than it was in November and a dozen pounds more than where I feel my best.  I'd write the numbers...I don't mind doing so....but I feel like someone might take offense at them or decide they aren't worthy of me feeling so upset (haters, judgers, you win on that one). 

It is NOT muscle.  Honestly, I think women don't gain nearly as much muscle poundage as we'd like to think (though muscles CAN hoard water and that CAN cause a scale spike). 

I don't want to leave the house.  Perhaps it is good that I have to.....first for PT and then for my little reporting gig.  PT will be practice for putting on a happy face and looking normal.  And luckily the camera I'm bringing to the event will not need to be trained on the rambling reporter.

Honestly....I am just not okay right now.  And it is really hard to explain it all.  I understand that ninety percent of people have had "bad body" days but I also know my mental monkeys (to use a word borrowed from another blogger) make it harder for me to overcome. 

I also know that only I can take the actions to feel better....which sound so easy but is so hard.  It is NOT that I want to hold on to the tears.  But I wonder if part of me is holding on to the identification as disordered?  Which sound sick and horrid but sorta fits with BED being a cousin of other EDs.  Most people (NOT all) now get that you can't just tell an anorexic to eat and I don't feel like I can just tell myself to STOP OVEReating. 

I want to crawl up and hide.  I am not, and part of that is because I KNOW I am not the only one.  I want one person to read this on the right day and to feel less alone. 


Annabelle said...

I'm so sorry you're having trouble with this stuff. Those mental patterns are SO hard to break, and of course you can't just avoid like an alcoholic. I have faith in your ability to get through this, though, for what it's worth!

The Rambling Blogger said...

i've often made that is a lot like alcoholism but there's no cold turkey.