Wednesday, October 19, 2011

fighting through a rough spell

I confess....I'm struggling lately.

I've talked pretty openly about my food and body demons.  It was hard to hit "Publish Post" on my first post openly addressing my Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but I believe in living this fight openly.  It is a lonely and overlooked condition but an all-too common one.  I know I appreciate other women (and men, but I relate more to women) who share their fight because they make me feel less alone (hugs to Tina for a brave recent series on her fight).  And it is a very lonely fight.  A fight that is always present for me but goes in spurts where it is much easier.  And others where it is much worse.  I'm in the latter now.

I think there are a lot of reasons it acts up.  I always have a bit of trouble as Fall sets in, though usually more in November than September or October.  I also am definitely triggered by an interruption in my workout routine.  Surgery and a long recovery where I am limited to some walking is a pretty darn big interruption.  I get into a tough period where I am feeling bad about myself and feel like just giving in and seeking comfort in food.  It is a nasty cycle that builds on itself.

I've put on some weight.  It isn't dramatic.  I'd lost a bit in 2011 and I am pretty much just where I was in December or so.  That is a bit deceptive though since I have lost a good bit of muscle.  There's nothing I can do about that and I try to keep in mind that I only get one shot at a proper recovery (and my bones fusing well) but I can always get my triceps back.  I can say that over and over and I do know it is true, but it doesn't make watching my toned arms go mushy any easier. I almost slapped a girl who said this once (when I was a bit bigger), but a small gain really does feel more dramatic when you are at a small-to-average size.

I can't pinpoint what gets me out of these cycles.  Sometimes, I do almost have to hit a bottom first, but it usually just stops.  I know my best times are marked by consistency in my life overall but it really just seems like a magic wand is either there or missing.  MM is being supportive.  He doesn't really understand it, but I don't expect him one who hasn't been there truly can. 

BED and the physical aftermath is markedly different from other types of weight gain (not that those are easy).  A BED lapse involves a mental place that is not the same as a normal spell of overeating, even emotional eating.  It is an addiction.  Giving in feels like a relief.  Like freedom.  Until it doesn't...but even the post-binge feeling is different from just the bloaty guilt after indulging too much. 

I am fighting.  I may falter in moments or days but I will keep fighting.  A big part of the battle is just getting past each fall, allowing yourself to move on rather than dwell which leads to deciding it is all futile and easier just to give in.  It is hard to avoid that. 

So, I'm in a rough spot.  But I am reminding myself it well end.  And putting on my fighting gloves.  I know it is worth it.  I want to be "better" and have so many reasons to get there. 

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