I confess...I'm either sleeping for too long or not sleeping at all. Neither is the best in the world. Last night, it was the latter and I was tempted to come down and write this but decided it might make me more awake. So, a status update...in bullet points...because we all know I like bullet points. And if you're not up for some reflection on my own state, including wallowing and angst, then you are free to leave and come back for a future post (which you should do either way...and you should become a "follower" b/c I want more followers).
- Relationshipy Stuff
X asked if I'm "ready to move on." If that means, ready to meet someone else...in theory, yes. The reality is I want to wait till I feel like I'm someplace more permanent before I do, but that's the practical side, not the emotional. If "move on" means no longer hurt, no longer angry, then then answer is no. But I'm not one to really forget or to shed emotions. I can move PAST it and I guess that means move ON, but I'm not one to forget.
And I'm thinking about it a lot..it was last night's source of sleeplessness. I'm angry and hurt that I wasn't enough...that isn't intended as a value-laden sentiment (though it sounds like one), just a fact of compatibility. And I'm wondering if X's feelings changed or were never really there. I do NOT mean to imply anything malicious. It would have been a lie to himself as well as to me (and others). I don't hate him and, even when I am angry and feel like throwing things, I do not think X is a bad person at all. I do NOT want to disparage him. But I just have a lot in my head....and heart....
I'm frustrated. I was laid off in April. Having spent the past years in recruiting, I know it isn't unusual to be looking for more than six months. There's an odd reality that the search is often longer for people with graduate-level degrees...it makes us harder to place. Especially when we don't want the most natural position for our degree. I'm underqualified and overqualified. I know I have great skills and that I'm a "catch" for an employer...I work damn hard. I know it is largely the market....I've heard several times that I was at the top of "Tier Two" where "Tier One" was folks with experience levels that I couldn't match (they'd held the exact job before...though I can argue for me being better anyway...). It's just still hard. And it is hard to put in effort when you keep getting knocked down.
And it just feels like I'm on pause until I fnd a job. I don't want to get too settled and I can't fully move on without that step, especially with a nationwide search. I had to ask X to send down some fall/winter tops...that made me sad. I'd hoped to be in a new job (and thus a new place) before I needed them.
It hurts. A lot. When I move, I feel a knife in my lower spine. It travels through my hip and down to my knee. My foot is probably secondary and less severe, but the plantar fasciitis is back. I'm looking into a PT here...that's a mental challenge as well since I'd hoped to wait until I was in a new place but it just can't be put off.
I'd gotten some pain meds but I blew through them way too fast..I'm scared about not having it. And I worry about using to much. I worry a lot (I'm a talented worrier)...too many PSAs and ads for Intervention. I DO take them to escape, but not from life...just from my body (the pain, not any emotional/mental body issue). The medicine lets me escape from my body a bit, which feels more like a hindrance and a prison than a part of me. When I get that escape, it is hard to go back to the pain...I hang on to the escape until I fall asleep to ease the return. I do NOT think I'm abusing medicines at all. And I'd admit if I was (I admit to abusing Chocolate Goldfish crackers on Fri and Sat). I use it for its purpose. But I hate that my body is such a barrier that I need the escape. If you've read my blog for a while, you know I have mental/emotional body issues in addition to several sources of pain. It is MUCH harder to work on that and to find peace in my body when it is a source of such pain.
The endo's acting up too. But it seems so secondary. I've heard that an itch is just a low-level pain and that scratching overpowers the lower, annoying pain. I guess the level 7-8 back pain is a similar "cure" for the level 6-7 pelvic pain.
I appreciate the place to stay but still feel 16 being at my mom's.
I'm doing long walks since I can't run...I'm probably doing more than is ideal but it is a time when I can't eat which is good. I am doing upper-body weights once a week and most of my old PT back/core/legs routine on another. I am starting to see my triceps return, which I like.
I drink too much diet soda.
I have become a DVR addict and it will be hard to go without it one day...but I think it will fall into the "not necessary" realm. Though basic cable and wireless may be necessities.
I'm reading a lot. I'm embodying my new shirt that quotes Erasmus: "When I get a little money I buy books; and if any is left I buy food and clothes." Luckily, I usually get them used on Amazon, often for under a buck. Since they are from different places, I pay shipping on each...but $3.99 shipping fees aren't too bad when the book is 75 cents. And there's worse stuff to spend money on.
Ellen's talk show has lost its shine for me (I leave it on most days but multi-task) but Gilmore Girls reruns are still a wonderful thing.