inventory

I confess...I'd been doing some check-in posts but it's been a wile so I think it I'm due.  As I gave this post thought, I decided it needed both topic headers AND bullet points.  I heard the voice of some English teacher from days gone by saying lists needed more than one entry.  I have decided I can break that rule if I decide to.  I can be a grammar stickler (esp. for ads and printed material) but I figure my blog is a rule-free zone.  For me, as I do very much enjoy my posts of rules for others to follow.

Body

• I had some flares with the endo but it has quieted (knock on cyberspace).  I have a theory....I like theories and rarely require any actual backing.  I am definitely sensitive to pheromones and such.  I have a memory of a law school classmate making an emergency trip home from a night out and joking she was mad I didn't warn her that she should expect a monthly visitor...she was always a day or two behind me.  I am on the Pill...I am "on the Pill plus" since I use it for the endo and don't take the 4th week "off" (normal women take the 4th week as placebos pills).  Nonetheless, a doc told me my body still does some amount of natural cycling/hormone-making.  In the distant past, I noticed I got a bit of spotting (yeah, TMI) whenever X went out of town.  So, theory: I think the flare was adjusting to MM in close proximity (esp. the sleeping hours).  My body knows him now so it is better.
• The back continues to plague me.  It never got better and flared back to extreme levels after one of the many snow shoveling days of winter.  I've been seeing a new doc...one of the partners in Doctor Dad's practice.  Yes, I do appreciate having a little star by my name.  The current thought is Degenerative Disc Disease L5/S1.  I have a bone scan Monday (ummm...I prefer not to say tomorrow since it involves an injection and I do not do well with needles) then likely another evaluation procedure (that one sounds awful but needed).  I am in pain.  I need meds and hate that.  I am angry at my body.  But I am trying to focus on moving ahead.

Heart & Soul

• I met a boy on NYE, but you know this already and we call him MM here.  He is awesome.  I am amazed by the person he is, the way I feel with him, and the way I see myself in his eyes.  And he's sitting next to me and looks cute.
• This bullet is transitional (guess that English major is still in there) and about transitions.  MM has made me see my eight years with X in a new light.  As I have said before, I have realized I loved X because I decided I should....that it was time to fall in love and that he fit my list of "should-haves" for a match.  But it wasn't ever right.  I don't intend that to say bad things about X, just about "X plus RamblerGal" (I need a name for me too) wasn't right.  I am angry at myself for the lost eight years and for not knowing they were spent with the wrong person (again, about "us" more than about "him").  But that time helped ready me for the right match, for one I felt totally in my heart and not because it was paper-perfect.  It made me ready to feel more confident when my heart chose and to remember all my best decisions were ones I knew in my gut more than in my head (college, car, white dress, even a couch).
• The formal process of no loner being legally a Mrs. is still on-going.  A big step is at the end of the month when we have a hearing.  It is utterly ridiculous that I need to travel all the way back to MA to appear in person to say it is done when we've already dealt with all the money stuff and there are no kids to worry about.  I get that it shouldn't be EASY.  I get that some of this is to protect against financial issues.  But it is just a pain.  And a pricey pain when I live far away.

Job

• Still unemployed.  Not really going to say much more in public on that.

Body Image/ED Stuff

• I've been mixed on eating.  Limited true binges, but plenty of not-so-great days where I verged that way and the beast was there. I know my danger zones (being alone, non-gym days, knowing I'll be splurging later) but still can struggle.
• A friend linked my to a site about another woman who struggles with binge issues.  She eats a "paleo" diet which isn't for me, but the following words (which Lauren actually put in a comment) are immensely helpful to me: "Someone once told me that you can never condemn a disordered eater for their habits, because the actions they are taking are the best ways they know how to deal with the demons inside them."
• MM does help me feel good about my body.  Major props.
• Been decent about getting in weight training.  It is important for many reasons...it is good to keep my body strong to help with the back, it helps keep the metabolism stoked, and it makes me look cuter.  Did skip my 2nd day this week (back and lower body) but I think that was also the right call since I was in too much pain and it would have hurt my form which is dangerous.
• Still get frustrated being kept in slo-mo on the treadmill.  The upside to unemployment is that I can still push out a good number of miles since I've got the time to spend.  I've gotten into a routine that gives me good distraction TV on weekdays which helps too.
• The gym is mean and closes at 2 on weekends.  It makes my patented routine of being lazy but still working out much more difficult.

Reading, Writing, No Arithmetic

• I sent the article I wrote on Binge Eating to the woman whose blog I quoted above.  She gave some good thoughts but I've been too lazy to incorprate them.  I want to though.  It'd be such an amazing dream to publish it.  I want the feeling for myself and I also really want even one more sufferer to feel less alone.
• I've gotten back into reading and often spend an hour or two reading in bed while MM goes to sleep (he gets up early for work).  It is something that I really enjoy and it enriches my life.  The Harper folks and some Amazon gift money are helping keep it financially viable.

Randomness

• This could go under body issues but I've decided it is THEIR issue not MINE.  I haven't gotten measured lately, but at last check I was a 32A.  First, many stores don't carry a 32.  Second, if they do, there is often a LOT of padding involved.  TMI, but I'm quite sensitive to cold and do like a solid lining to avoid unwelcome attention.  But I don't feel the need to fake what isn't there....at least not in a daily wear bra.  I'm proportional and I'm fine (well, mostly) with the lack of certain assets.  Why do the stores/manufacturers insist that I need improvement?
• MM gave me a necklace, not a major gift, just a token (though my V-day gift is also a necklace and it finally shipped last week).  I kept the charm and traded out the chain.  It is shaped like a dog tag with the air force symbol and says "Off-Limits Private Property U.S.A.F."  It makes me smile.  And, no, I'm not anyone's property....it still makes me smile.