unfair

I confess...there's a 1,000 pound gorilla in the room.



I try to write about me, my random musings, my views, etc. I have mentioned other people but more in relation to past events. The present felt off-limits and unfair to put in public. I worry a lot about fairness. This may not be fair. I don't know. I don't know much at all right now.



My husband and I have been seeing a counselor, at his urging. I thought things were improving. I really did. They weren't. We talked last night...after talking a week or so ago about it not being better...but last night was a harder and longer talk. I cried, a lot. He didn't formally say "it." He couldn't. There's part of me that hopes that's because he doesn't mean it. More of me thinks he was just too scared to pull of the bandaid. I asked him to stay at a motel last night. He's at work. He'll come back later. He looked so pained last night. I felt bad. I didn't cause the pain alone, but I'm still the cause.



I hate change. I hate feeling off balance. And I have for a while. And I know I probably need to be thrown off the beam entirely before I can walk again. But it hurts. I want to stay. I want to be wanted. But I can't make that happen. And I don't ever want to force myself upon someone else.



He says it is just that we are too different. That I'm not bad. Not inadequate. I feel like I am and can't see feeling different...I'm not enough. I know I should read that differently...I'm not a right match, I'm the wrong puzzle piece. He cares. I know. I know others care too. But I still feel tossed out.



I'm angry. I am who I am and I think I'm really honest about that. I am who I was eight years ago (and four years ago when we stood before everyone and promised). I never hid. If anything, I was too see-through. I am angry that it isn't anything new...that it was there then...and that the decision comes now and not then.



I am scared.



I don't want to pack. My dad says he can come up by transit and then drive back with me....highways scare me enough when I'm stable, there's no way I can do it like this. I guess I'll just take what can get in the car. I can trust him with stuff. I know that. I can get some stuff back when I'm more settled....pay some kid to drive a U-Haul or something. I keep thinking about details. Like needing to put in a prescription to CVS in MA once our plan officially switches to CVS...I won't have time to wait for mail order and I think I can get refills elsewhere but need to put in the order here. And I have to go through that whole name change hassle again...or not...I have to figure that out too. I will go to my mom's at first. And then I'll see. I'll look broadly for work and see where I end up. I am a planner. But I just can't tackle it now.



I don't want to feel this way again. I am somewhat solitary but I liked having an other. i don't need a big crowd, but I did like having a partner. But I don't know that I can open to that again. It was hard enough to start with. I'm not good at trusting and being vulnerable.



I didn't sleep last night. I got up at 3 and watched tv and ate way too much crap (at least overeating is finally a normal response). I cancelled lunch plans. I need to hide a bit. PJ time. I'll get myself indulgent treats and have some wine. Not too much wine...don't worry about that...



It hurts. And I know he cares. And I feel bad that he hurts because it hurts me. I feel whiplashed and dizzy. I'm sore...I get achy when I'm emotional.



I can't decide if I should post this. It feels unfair. After all, it isn't formal. But I feel like waiting is kidding myself. And like I "get" the first word since I wasn't the one to choose.



It is 11:23 on 6/18. I'm holding this in queue.

I showered. It's 11:34.

He isn't a bad person. He doesn't want to hurt me. I know that. There's a sad little part of me that hopes a night away changes things. More of me knows it won't.

It isn't fair to post this. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be vindictive. I know he's been in pain for a while now. I know it isn't easy for him either. I don't imagine he's skipping through tulips and laughing. I know it is hard on him and he didn't want this. I'm still mad. And angry. But I can't hate him for wanting to be happy. And I don't want to pull him down. I don't want to hurt him more...but I probably can't avoid that.

I need to post this. For me. Maybe it isn't fair. But nothing feels fair right now.

(6/19...2:05pm. I made him say it yesterday. It hurts...for both of us. But it has to and I know that. I want to leave now but I'm a pragmatist and there are things to take care of. My dad will come up in early July and drive me back to my mom's. It just makes sense to wait and get a few things (meds, PT, bank) in order first).