Thursday, June 24, 2010

"to do"

I confess...I'm feeling overwhelmed. I think I tend to be pretty even-keeled...I'm not Miss Happy-Go-Lucky, but I don't switch emotions quickly or bounce between highs and lows. These days, it's different. I feel okay one moment, hopeful and expectant the next, overwhelmed and scared after that, and sometimes just like crawling in bed with tissues and wallowing in self-pity. It isn't an easy state, but I think it is "normal" and "expected" and it will pass.

I have a lot of things on my checklist. Mostly practical things...changing mailing addresses, packing, cleaning things up at that bank. I'll get those handled, with lots of help (including from my parents and from Jason too). There are "bigger" things too though...a few:
  • Getting a job. Getting the RIGHT job. I have an interview on the 6th for a job I think would be a terrific fit....but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself imagining myself there (okay, so I looked at apartment prices). I want a job where I am productive and helpful and valued and feel fulfilled. It will also help to have something else to focus on.
  • Getting my weight in line. I'd gained a bit even before the "D" word. And I've put on more. Finally it is totally normal to dig to the bottom of a pint of B&Js. Okay, frankness. I felt best when my weight was around 115...most days a little below (I like wiggle room). Now it is usually around 122 or so. It is NOT a lot. I know that I am still at a perfectly fine weight. And maybe it is where I am meant to be. I am giving myself a bit more wallowing time but then I need to just get it under control and get it steady (i.e. maybe losing a little but then maintaining). So...a bit more time to do whatever is comforting, but then just getting into a healthier state. I'd also like to avoid needing to buy new pants.
  • Getting to know a "me" that isn't part of a "we." I think I have always had a pretty solid sense of self. I don't think I lost that being married. But I got used to having a "we"-side. It's just a change.
  • Feeling more steady. Swings are fine and normal for a bit. But not forever. The pendulum arc WILL get smaller.
  • Finishing a piece I'm writing and submitting it to a Glamour magazine contest. I don't expect to win. Luckily, I don't have the big trauma-type story that tends to be the winner. But I like the idea of simply trying.

1 comment:

Dr. Bjorn Ingvoldstad said...

Rooting you on from the sidelines...