etc.

I confess...that it is time for another random list....

• I seriously have an addiction to the kabob plate from Falafel King. I want them to give out a "Buy ten, get one free" punchcard. We had it last night ("Friday night observed") and it is always quite yummy (though things run together more than I prefer).
• There's a lady who is often on my AM train. She uses a cane but prefers to stand. I know this. I've asked twice and seen others offer. Yet I still somehow feel guilty for not offering my seat
• While I despise the cold, I do admit it makes you appreciate warmer weather more.
• I want to see the final episodes of Pushing Daisies but feel no rush and might wait for the DVD or for them to pop up online rather than watch them on three Saturday nights starting in late May. No, we don't have TiVo. Yes, we are fine with that.
• I like cereal.
• I feel bad that Boy will miss the Phantom Wine fest b/c of me
• I am tired of the swine flu. Yes, we should be careful. But it feels kinda overdone and I worry about inciting panic. There was a girl on the news who had it and couldn't get Tamiflu b/c too many people are hoarding it. There are dangers to over-reacting. Be careful, but not over-zealous.
• I am nervous for tomorrow but not the "normal" way one gets nervous for these things. I'm more worried we'll come out knowing nothing more and with no answers than anything else. That's going to be a big mental blow. And it is the more likely scenario.

a bit of controversy....

I confess that...I'm torn on this one...and feel a bit of liberal guilt about my viewpoint...

There's a recent case that involved the murder of a transgendered individual (this person self-identified as a woman so I will use female pronouns). They successfully prosecuted the murderer, including charges under a hate crimes statute (see http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/04/22/transgender.slaying.trial/index.html).

I find murder atrocious. And I feel for this woman, the struggles her life must have included, and the tragic early end to her time. I absolutely believe her murderer should face punishment. Should she have told him her biological identity? Maybe...I'd almost lean towards yes. Does not telling justify murder? Of course not. He absolutely could have chosen to end the relationship...and even been pretty angry about it. He might have been upset but that gives him no right to kill her. I agree it was (assuming facts as I've seen them) first-degree murder.

But, is this a hate crime? I'm just not sure. The man who killed her was angry at her as an individual, he wasn't seeking out a transgendered person to kill in some sort of statement or act of group hate. It isn't a precise corollary to a KKK member attacking a person on the street for the color of their skin. He was mad at this woman, yes his anger involved her sexual identity but I think it was more about his feeling of deception and of having gotten into a situation he did not expect rather than an act against transgendered individuals. If he'd gone to a rally of transgendered folks to seek out and kill someone as some sort of statement or from some sort of personal vendetta against transgendered individuals THEN I'd totally favor the hate crime label.

There's a little liberal voice in me that WANTS this to be a hate crime. I want to say she was murdered because she was transgendered. And she was. But I just can't make the leap to it being a hate crime as I see that term....hate crimes laws should apply to the RIGHT cases involving sexual identity and sexuality (and I guess wanting to see them applied is why I feel torn), but I'm not sure this is that right case.

I'm waiting on the backlash to this post....

appreciation

I confess....that I appreciate the little things but sometimes lose sight of them. So an (obviously incomplete) appreciation list:

• The smart person who made my contact case so the lids are different colors on each side. This is wonderful since us blind folks can't see the little "R" and "L" on the case (unless I pull it in to "reading vision" area)when the lenses are out
• Blankets. Really, I get an immeasurable amount of joy from warm blankets (and use them even when it isn't cold).
• Red wine and chocolate (together or apart)....And studies that favor health benefits for both (I'll ignore those that don't)
• Boy always making sure I have "juice (i.e. Crystal Light) and making more for me when I run out (and for other things too...but I wanted to pick one)
• People who are nice and don't fight with me when I do them the courtesy of calling to tell them they are not a match for the job...a little advocacy is fine, fighting with me won't win points. But some people just thank me for the courtesy call and I appreciate them
• OnDemand. We don't have TiVo so I get to see some shows I wouldn't stay up for
• Women's Health mag...the only one I'd read even if I didn't use them to pass my treadmill time.
• Old friends who know you well
• A college with loyal alumni who support each other
• The "magic" train I sometimes get that starts at my AM station instead of a few stops before so is totally empty when I get on...not only a seat, but often the coveted end seat!
• Having it be light out so I can sometimes walk home instead of taking the van...a little extra movement is good, especially when it is outdoors
• Little lessons I've learned in dealing with my crazy hair...like drying it a bit upside-down first which cuts the drying time substantially (then flipping right side so it doesn't end up adding more volume to hair that sometimes has too much)
• Big sweatshirts for sleeping and lounging
• Good running socks...the kind really made for running make a HUGE difference
• The Falafel King shop near us that makes yummy chicken kabob plates that are a ton of food and pretty cheap.

un-blameless

I confess...this time it's my fault.

I broke with pattern and we had a "splurge" night last night. Kabob plates, wine, ice cream, etc. It was yummy. And it isn't that I had too much wine. However, while I'm really sure my pain issues are in the gyn arena thanks to the location, it is always worse when I eat too much. I also end up not sleeping well which = run down which = more pain. Add in a false fire alarm at 2AM (really, this is the freakin' 10th at least sine we've been here...I'm getting burned up if it is ever real b/c I don't even consider going outside) and it was a rough night and I feel crappy today.

Enough so I that I finally called in sick and stuck with it. That is in contrast to two time recently when I called in sick at 4:45AM, slept a bit (vs. headed down for my date with the treadmill), and then un-called in sick.

Really, that's fine. I get a lump sum of 20 days off (sick, vacay, personal etc....less than it sounds given that we get very few holidays) and haven't used any yet. Between surgery, my BIL's wedding, and turkey day and holiday travel, I have 11 others allotted out. Rationally, this 12th day is so fine. It's still oddly hard for me to call in though....even though work is anything but exciting these days. Funny, in HS I took a ton of sick days...and that's in spite of having to be the "good student" and all that.

I'll get over it....When is Golden Girls on???

hybrids (not cars)

I confess...that I'm some odd hybrid of total self-doubt and a bit of snobbery.

I doubt I'm good at my current job (or my last job). I doubt I'll find another.

I doubt that people like me and think they merely tolerate me.

I doubt the people who tell my husband I'm pretty and think they are just humoring him.

I doubt the pain will stop and doubt I am strong enough to deal with it. I also doubt whether I'm a good person b/c I complain about it when others have problems that are so much worse.

But I also confess that I get pretty darn high-and-mighty. I get annoyed by dumb people, and I think a lot of people are dumb. I get REALLY annoyed by verbal tics and certain grammatical errors (though I'm not flawless here). I think America needs to move its collective butt more and realize that exercise is more than walking to the fridge for another beer. I feel virtuous for being fit. I am proud of having attended top-notch schools and think my education was superior to most. I think being early (and I'm obsessively so) is a major virtue.

Now I want to put in disclaimers. I have them. But I'll resist that urge.

The Boy says we are all hypocritical. I try not to be when it comes to specifics...I try to follow the golden rule and all that jazz. Maybe I'm more paradoxical than hypocritical. I like that word...paradoxical...sounds mysterious and kinda sexy.

Add that to the pompous side.

friday afternoon...health ramble

I confess...I feel the need to post something before the week ends.

I went to a new doc on Wednesday. His honest opinion seems to be that I'll likely just remain in pain and we'll never really know why. He is going to do another lap (a minor surgery that I've had twice) but sees about a 30% chance it'll make a difference. I felt a bit odd pushing for it, but I need even the hope of 30%....it is a minor enough surgery that those odds are worth it.

So I go back under May 1. Is it wrong to wish for him to find something?

My dad says that he's being honest and that he'd just had that convo himself with a patient the same morning.

whine

I confess...this is just going to be me whining.

I'm in pain. A lot of pain. Crawl into the fetal position and cry pain. It is really bad right now. And it has just been constant...not always this severe, but always there. And I'm so tired.

We went out to eat last night...rare for us midweek (I'm telling myself we'll be good on Friday). We were only there about an hour and I really couldn't make it. Though I did enjoy the cheesy comfort food (and ice cream later), just sitting up and looking "normal" was too much.

I don't know what the new doc on Wed can offer. I've never seen much offered for endo. Which is ridiculous. I'm trying to have hope though b/c I kinda need to in order to even get to next week. I'm close to the "just take it all out" point...but there's no promise that even that will work.

I took a pill. They don't always help. And seem to have less and less of an effective time span. Sometimes I still feel the pain but care less (and get numb fingers and lips...). I'll take that right now...even for half an hour.

I warned you. One whine-filled post. But it is all I have to offer.