Saturday, November 5, 2011

tough week, but trying some positive thoughts too

I has been a hard few weeks....

First, there's the job front.  I'd applied for a job and had two interviews.  They'd pressed for a number from me on salary and I gave one eventually but said, honestly, that it was not the sole element for me.  I really want to have a job I enjoy more than I need a certain number right now.  The next week, they said they'd loved me but could not afford me.  I called and said the number was just a number and I really could look at any offer.

So, they made an offer.  I've heard so often about how women are paid less b/c they fail to ask (Women Don't Ask) and I think that a bit of negotiating is normal so I did ask for a dollar per hour more.  They came back a couple days later and said no.  So, I said I'd take the number (it WAS really low but I did genuinely think it would be a great fit and I might like it and be of value).  I asked if they could do some hours-shifting and maybe have only a 30m lunch-break and leave early one day. I said, several times, that this was NOT a deal-breaker but I wanted to check.  I also asked to look at any contracts etc.

It took well over a week.  I sent another email saying I really wanted to make it formal, reiterating the hours were not a deal-breaker, and asked again about paperwork.  Since I agreed to everything they asked, I really thought it was fine.  Three days later, they pulled the offer.  Having been in hiring, I know they worry I'd leave fast but my resume reflects long-term stays so that's a bit unfair.  And the fact that it took forever to hear back really upset me. 

On the personal side, X is engaged.  And has been since July.  I am a bit pissed he didn't tell me himself.  We're not really friends these days but it feels like it would have been a courtesy to not have me find out from a random mention by a shared friend.  The fact that it is the girl he dated before me also feels weird.  He got engaged almost exactly a year after I moved out.  It just makes me feel like the eight years were really all false. 

I have learned that it was NOT the right relationship for me.  I am VERY much happier with MM.  But I had all good intentions and I just feel like X didn't.  All his "complaints" were there from day 1 but he hadn't wanted to leave b/c he felt bad leaving when I got sick and then later felt like he didn't want to break up and knew I didn't want to more w/o it being official so he proposed.  Going back to the girl before me (who fit may things I didn't)  just makes it feel more like he DID know it wasn't right and never really liked me for me.  I'll avoid going too much further on those thoughts in public, even without names.  I can admit that X was right on paper and wrong in practice. And, in some ways, he'd say the same thing. But I just feel like I didn't see it while he he knew I wasn't the right one but didn't act on it till too late.  It feels like a lot of false-ness. 

Which is emotionally hard.  I do NOT want to go back.  I totally LOVE my current guy and he loves me, for who I am.  This is NOT about him at all and I hope he "gets" that this mess in my head is NOT about that.  It is about processing my past.  And I know I'm not being totally fair to X.  Of course, this is all from my viewpoint.  I am the one who "defriended" on FB. I really found it unhealthy to see each other's daily updates and think that was a normal decision, not one that justifies a lack of courtesy.  And he probably did have better intentions in our life together than my head says right now.  But it is what's been in my head.


Let's list some GOOD things:
  • I DID get to fulfill a goal this week.  Thanks to a friend who had to stop doing it, I am writing a couple blog posts a week for an attorney via a legal blogger service.  It isn't fancy and it is all ghost-writing but I can officially say I got paid to write.  Not much money, but I'm excited anyway.
  • I got "sheet suspenders" with a bit of doubt.   I had flannel sheets that I loved for cold weather.  MM's mattress is the right size but is extra-thick.  It really needs sheets made for that, esp with two regular sleepers...he had been okay with regular Queen sheets alone but the corners popped off all the time (I'm a flipper when I am getting to sleep and I kick when I'm sleeping so I'm a challenge).  The suspenders work great though.  The sheets stay on fine and I love getting in a warmer bed and not the chill of regular sheets as it gets cold.
  • I made dinner last night. This is always impressive.  I had to add some extra V8 juice to the sauce (it is the base) and that cut back a lot on the flavor in my Mexican Chicken, but it still turned out well.  I also tried roasted chickpeas...I wasn't a fan but MM liked them a lot so that made me happy.
  • We're getting some sunny and warm-for-November weather.  Always a plus for me since I'm def not a fan of the cold.
  • My three month follow-up is next week.  I do still have more pain than I'd imagined at this point, but I also do feel like I am seeing progress.  I am hopeful for good news when they see my x-rays....go bone growth, go!!
  • My eye doc (still VERY near-sighted but no changes and healthy eyes even if they suck) told me that near-sighted folks have IQs than regular or far-sighted folks.  My guess is that we needed to have smarts to survive THIS blind.  She wondered if it was b/c we read more since it was all we could see but also noted it could have some random genetic tie. 
  • MM rocks.  I am so lucky to have him.  Thank you for everything MM.  You make me feel so valued and loved and I just think you are awesome and I am proud to be able to call you my guy.

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