words

I confess...I had a terrible food day yesterday. Bad enough that I hope I got it out of my system. I said I'd give myself a break till the move, so I'm trying not to dwell. But I do want to get back to my Su-Th "on-track" and Fri-Sat "free days". And I want to keep those free days SANE. My jeans think this is important too.

Anyway...I'm thinking a bit about words. I like words. I think one reason I enjoy expressing myself in writing more than orally is the ability to pause and find "my" word...the perfect one that says just what I want it to. I think I do this more so than many people when I speak as well. I know I often prefer to spend more time than average formulating a thought before saying it. While these blog posts tend to be pretty quick affairs, I still delete and re-choose a word pretty often (more so than delete to fix grammar!!).

I don't like to use names here. People deserve their privacy. If you know me, then you often know who I'm referring to with typical labels. But if you don't know me, you won't find my post when you are searching on someone else. This does, however, mean that people are identified by their relation to me. Word-finder that I am, I am troubled by the lack of the right word to refer to the man I married four years ago. "Husband" doesn't feel right anymore...and I think there's something helpful mentally and emotionally in moving away from that word. Moving on requires both the linguistic and mental/emotional shift. But we are still legally wed...and will be for a while given the speed such things take and some other complexities. I referred to him once as my "ex-husband-to-be"...that's the best I can do but it's a mouthful. I also remember hating the term "boyfriend" in the latter stages of dating-life...I wanted a word that covered the time before "fiance" but when it was more serious that a high-school fling. Society needs a fuller relationship vocabulary.

Another term that's getting to me right now is "boomerang"...the current label for kids returning to a family home after college, a job loss or other "false start." Am I a boomerang? I had a pretty significant life between college and now...grad school, two cities after that, two careers, a marriage. I am going home, temporarily, because it does make sense. I may be there only weeks (cross your fingers for my upcoming call-back interview) or it may be months. Do I get caught in the boomerang label? There is absolutely an economic element to my return and that seems to be an undercurrent for the boomerang trend. It is hard to put my finger on the exact reason why I'm different...but I feel like I am (umm...and I want to be). Divorced folks returned home for stays well before these 20-somethings developed this new category.

Really, I have a talent for dwelling on random things.

wallowing and more

I confess...that I plan to grumble for a paragraph and then talk about something else. I'm feeling very unsteady, as in one moment I can't possibly imagine getting out of bed and the next I feel pretty normal. I've been eating too much junk but kinda like that it's finally "normal" to reach the bottom of B&Js pints in a sitting. Here's the plan...I get to wallow and eat crap and stay in bed all I want UNTIL I move (with the exception of the 6th when I have an interview for a job I really want). After the move, I get a couple days to adjust and wallow b/c it will be an adjustment...then I start healing by treating my body well and focusing on the job search (well...ideally that's all done after my interview on the 6th...but I can't assume this). The goal for that period is to find a job, get ready for it, and get back in my jeans. Once that stage is done (i.e. when I move and have a job), I build a new home and a new community (not losing the old friends, of course).

Okay...something else...meh, I'm not thinking deep enough for one topic. Let's go bullet points:

• I have a theory that Toyota caused the Gulf Oil spill. See, Toyota totally has knowledge about gas and oil stuff, at least enough for sabotage. And, a handful of months ago, Toyota was the Big Bad Evil Corporation that was the target of hatred (and headlines). But now, BP totally has that title. Sounds like motive to me. (Dear Toyota, This is a humorous thought. This is not libel. I don't really think you did it. Sincerely, Lawyer-Side of Me)
• I had my last PT visit due to the impending move. He was really nice and offered to grill a few potential replacements to make sure they do an aggressive spine program that will fit with what I've been doing. He also told me how much I was lifting and what my goals are for each move based on my body/age/etc. I was impressed by my 160lb leg press and 102lb back extension but disappointed with some other low numbers.
• I did my treadmill time yesterday at a pretty pathetic tv time slot. Last week, I saw Wipeout at the same time and was pretty amazed at what time consists of these days. This time, they were dropping prizes (and people) off a skyscraper. It seemed pretty wasteful to me. I'd have taken that car and dining set etc.
• My laptop is getting too hot on my lap. I know this is highly interesting.
• My favorite Quincy restaurant is going to be closed this weekend. That's just mean since I hoped to make a last visit. Silly holidays...
• I'm still enjoying plowing through books while not working. I'm trying to mix re-reading and new books to be money conscious. The books are definitely a big challenge for moving and I'll need to have the ex-to-be ship some of them. Clothes are probably a more immediate need and nearly 300 books won't fit in the car along with everything else.
• I fell asleep yesterday afternoon. I intended to rest my eyes a moment. Warning...sleeping with a paperback can cause some odd indentations on one's arm from the book.
• Toy Story 3 was wonderful. I cried...a mix of both happy and sad tears. I don't care about Team Jacob or Team Edwards but I am on Team Andy's Toys.

"to do"

I confess...I'm feeling overwhelmed. I think I tend to be pretty even-keeled...I'm not Miss Happy-Go-Lucky, but I don't switch emotions quickly or bounce between highs and lows. These days, it's different. I feel okay one moment, hopeful and expectant the next, overwhelmed and scared after that, and sometimes just like crawling in bed with tissues and wallowing in self-pity. It isn't an easy state, but I think it is "normal" and "expected" and it will pass.

I have a lot of things on my checklist. Mostly practical things...changing mailing addresses, packing, cleaning things up at that bank. I'll get those handled, with lots of help (including from my parents and from Jason too). There are "bigger" things too though...a few:

• Getting a job. Getting the RIGHT job. I have an interview on the 6th for a job I think would be a terrific fit....but I'm trying not to get ahead of myself imagining myself there (okay, so I looked at apartment prices). I want a job where I am productive and helpful and valued and feel fulfilled. It will also help to have something else to focus on.
• Getting my weight in line. I'd gained a bit even before the "D" word. And I've put on more. Finally it is totally normal to dig to the bottom of a pint of B&Js. Okay, frankness. I felt best when my weight was around 115...most days a little below (I like wiggle room). Now it is usually around 122 or so. It is NOT a lot. I know that I am still at a perfectly fine weight. And maybe it is where I am meant to be. I am giving myself a bit more wallowing time but then I need to just get it under control and get it steady (i.e. maybe losing a little but then maintaining). So...a bit more time to do whatever is comforting, but then just getting into a healthier state. I'd also like to avoid needing to buy new pants.
• Getting to know a "me" that isn't part of a "we." I think I have always had a pretty solid sense of self. I don't think I lost that being married. But I got used to having a "we"-side. It's just a change.
• Feeling more steady. Swings are fine and normal for a bit. But not forever. The pendulum arc WILL get smaller.
• Finishing a piece I'm writing and submitting it to a Glamour magazine contest. I don't expect to win. Luckily, I don't have the big trauma-type story that tends to be the winner. But I like the idea of simply trying.