a whirlwind of grief and other emotions

It has been a long year.  Already.  Or maybe it is still November.  I'm not quite sure.  This won't rank among the most interesting of rambles for folks who don't know me well, but I feel a need to record this period of time.

Life has been a bit of a blur since my cousin's wedding in mid-November.  That was the first time in a while I'd seen my uncle and he'd definitely gone downhill healthwise.  He fought to walk her down the aisle and the father/daughter dance caused a mix of tears. 

Thanksgiving (with the same family branch) was not long after, followed by my trip to a new surgeon....still facing delays in getting the tests I need to move ahead on that front.  Once again, I was reminded that being interesting and unique is not a positive in the world of spine surgery. 

At the same time I was seeing the doc, MM had seen his mom and found her struggling healthwise.  On the heels of that visit, she had a cardiac test that led to the immediate scheduling of a triple bypass in mid-December.  MM left from her house for a week-long work trip and came home for only a day or so before we headed back out to his mom's.   The surgery had shifted our holiday plans from her coming to visit to us staying at her house and checking her out of a rehab hospital (a hard place to visit, let alone stay) for day visits.  She's done very well, beating all the doctor's expectations, but is was a tough fight for her and hard for her son to watch.  Amid the holiday visit, my lacking immune system showed its face again and the trip out there also included a short but nasty virus...I am so glad I didn't share that with MM's mom (I was really worried since she was at risk for infections and other problems). 

We came home to a snow-filled driveway and we passed into 2013 with more winter weather.  In the early days of the year, MM heard from a friend en route to a cancer benefit that, in a "small world" moment, turned out to be for a cousin MM hadn't seen since childhood.  The cousin passed away while people gathered for a benefit for his care.  Then came the call that MM's brother-in-law had died suddenly.  We packed quickly and hit the road.  We stayed at my mom's for several days (it is in the same area as the relevant family members) while MM helped his sister with both emotional and practical issues, including preparing to close out the man's landscaping business which was in need of a lot of attention.  I just focused on being there for MM since he'd lost someone very important to him and pitching in where I could.  We both kept watchful eyes on the grieving children (a nine year-old, two college aged, and a step-daughter in her mid-twenties). 

Amidst this all, my uncle has fallen sicker.  He's been batting brain cancer for three years and there has been a downhill turn in the past months.  It has been tough on my mom (and, of course, my aunt and cousins, including the newlyweds),  At one point, it looked like we might have to extend our visit to include another funeral (MM had gone to the cousin's on Friday since we were in town, we both went to the brother-in-law's on Monday evening).  We debated having me stay and MM come back home until I called with news (the four-hour trip is tough for me), but they extended the projection a bit and we decided we couldn't stay in static waiting mode.  We both came home last night (Tues).  We know the next call will come soon and we'll both go back to help my mom and then see the rest of my family in New Jersey (the NYC suburbs). 

The recent weeks have taken a toll on both of us.  I feel like it has been a lifetime since November....I heard strangers extend New Years wishes over the weekend and was totally thrown to realize that was still appropriate.  I'm a physical mess (and still waiting on the insurance company to approve my CAT scan).  The emotional toll's been more on MM's side and I've been in the support role, but that's shifting.  I'm glad I've been able to be there for him and that I have him there for me.  Being an Us is helpful in these times. 

I'm trying to rest up during this lull and hold on to a period of normalcy.  I think we'll need to reboot 2013 once we get through the next few weeks. 

retiring one gimmick, keeping another...

I confess....I'm retiring the "I confess" gimmick. I've been tired of it for eons but I'm beyond change averse. However, I know that's just plain silly and it's been annoying me rather than amusing me for way too long...

Of course, I am NOT retiring my love for bullet points:

• Still waiting on my CAT scan. I called a few days before X-mas to check on it and found out they mis-dated the order. The nurse seemed baffled by how it got dated March 2011, she swore it COULDN'T get backdated, but it meant it expired and never even went to the insurance company. They'd initially said to expect 2-3 weeks for approval so I checked back yesterday but have yet to get a return call.
• This one merits the confession label: Four Weddings has gone from treadmill fodder to the DVR's "record all new episodes" list (we recently got one for free for a few months as part of a new package...I'm telling myself I'll have no problem giving it up). The only other shows on the list are Once Upon a Time and How I Met Your Mother...the former since it's my fav and I don't want to deal with the On Demand hiccups and the latter because it's the only show I watch first-run that isn't offered On Demand.
• I really want to kick back up my reading. I've actually got a decent "to read" pile..not a bad thing on its own, but I want to catch up with my advance reader's reviews and feel a bit guilty being behind.  The pain is definitely a factor here....it's been pretty awful and interferes with my ability to focus as well as I'd like (and is also why I haven't kept my promise to myself to blog more, especially about things other than pain).
• Welcome to January where the holiday ads end and the ads for weight-loss, smoking cessation, and tax services begin. At least I haven't seen an ad for Valentine's Day yet....though the stores switched over on Dec 26.
• Speaking of V-Day -- I got Teddy MM (which sounds less odd when I actually use MM's name instead of his moniker) for V-Day in 2011. We'd only been dating about six weeks. I actually opened the package a few days early since I was visiting when the box showed up and it had the company name pretty prominently so it was clear it was a stuffed animal. The kinda corny, kinda sweet part: I don't think I've slept a single night without it since.
• Okay, I just realized that's not 100% true....there were a couple nights where Real MM and I'm an oddball and don't want items from someone around when I'm really upset. I may have also thrown both Teddy and Elly MM (an elephant from a crane machine) on the floor as a sign of my angry mood.
• We recently tried out an ice cream maker we got while holiday shopping (funny how things end up in one's cart that aren't actually gifts).  MM tried a dairy-free batch first and we weren't fans but we did a regular ice cream for the second batch and it ended up quite yummy.  We did, however, have to put it in the freezer to get it a better consistency since it wasn't nearly frozen enough when we first made it despite having the bowl in the freezer for more than the needed twelve hours.  Any suggestions?  It's just a small machine...the batch we made was only two servings and the included recipes seem to be between two and four servings each. 
• I've mentioned it before, but the Roomba is among the best choices we've made (I asked for it as a gift from my Mom for both of us and suggested it could count for my b-day too since it was pricey).  I can't help much with household chores and it saves MM from having to work more than full-time and come home to too many chores.  It is also more amusing than it should be to watch "the puppy" run about. 

Taking the Lead

I confess...I don't "do" resolutions.  I've grumbled on that before and feel no need to elaborate,  This isn't a true resolution, but it is a goal.  It is a goal I'd love to meet in 2013 but that might take a bit longer.  So, what is this goal (or maybe "hope" is a better word)?

Initially I had a long-winded ramble here about the past month and a half, but it isn't necessary.  In truth, it has been a stretch of "busy for me" weeks that might seem normal to someone else.  Some of the days might even qualify as simple, with the major tasks being a trip to the store and a couple hours of cookie baking.  I've lived a normal life, but not the life I'm currently able to lead.  And I'm hurting.  More than the normal hurting.  It is abundantly clear that I cannot live that life.  My life, for now, means spending most days in bed, conserving energy in order to have a decent dinner date with MM, and saying no to trips I'd like to (and should) make.

I've come to realize that the entire experience has one underlying theme (NB: I struggled b/w theme and mantra) -- My body takes the lead. 

When I consider an invitation, I start by considering my body and whether it could handle the plan.  This doesn't reject ALL plans that it can't handle, but those have to have a strong reason like a wedding or a serious health incident.  Even then, my body influences how I go about the event, planning rest and medication schedules.  I also need to plan a rest period (even beyond my normal rest mode) after the event ends -- it's typically a one-to-one ratio with one total rest day for each day I lived a semi-normal life. 

My goal? For my body to follow, to support, to permit.  I aspire to one day let my mind, my soul, my spirit, my true "Me" take the lead.  I hope to be me-driven, not body-driven.  It'll take time, probably another round of surgery followed by both TLC (a challenge in itself) and a lot of work.  But I WILL get there.