Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Taking the Lead

I confess...I don't "do" resolutions.  I've grumbled on that before and feel no need to elaborate,  This isn't a true resolution, but it is a goal.  It is a goal I'd love to meet in 2013 but that might take a bit longer.  So, what is this goal (or maybe "hope" is a better word)?

Initially I had a long-winded ramble here about the past month and a half, but it isn't necessary.  In truth, it has been a stretch of "busy for me" weeks that might seem normal to someone else.  Some of the days might even qualify as simple, with the major tasks being a trip to the store and a couple hours of cookie baking.  I've lived a normal life, but not the life I'm currently able to lead.  And I'm hurting.  More than the normal hurting.  It is abundantly clear that I cannot live that life.  My life, for now, means spending most days in bed, conserving energy in order to have a decent dinner date with MM, and saying no to trips I'd like to (and should) make.

I've come to realize that the entire experience has one underlying theme (NB: I struggled b/w theme and mantra) -- My body takes the lead. 

When I consider an invitation, I start by considering my body and whether it could handle the plan.  This doesn't reject ALL plans that it can't handle, but those have to have a strong reason like a wedding or a serious health incident.  Even then, my body influences how I go about the event, planning rest and medication schedules.  I also need to plan a rest period (even beyond my normal rest mode) after the event ends -- it's typically a one-to-one ratio with one total rest day for each day I lived a semi-normal life. 

My goal? For my body to follow, to support, to permit.  I aspire to one day let my mind, my soul, my spirit, my true "Me" take the lead.  I hope to be me-driven, not body-driven.  It'll take time, probably another round of surgery followed by both TLC (a challenge in itself) and a lot of work.  But I WILL get there. 


EndoJoanna said...

This is a wonderful goal that I feel like I know as well. You WILL get there, don't give up. Thinking of you and hoping 2013 brings a positive change for you xo

Annabelle said...

I hope you have good luck with letting your body lead. It took me forever (and a lot of conversations with a therapist) to stop feeling bad about the fact that I *had* to let my body lead regardless of what I felt my social obligations were. It makes my life feel a lot more manageable now that I've given myself permission to do it, though.