I confess...it's all I can think about. Okay, that's not true...I think 95% about surgery-related stuff (anterior lumbar interbody fusion....aka spinal fusion...at L5/S1, set for early on Mon 8/8) and 5% about trying a Nutter Butter Blizzard. The insurance stuff is dealt with so my only other task is to avoid catching a cold. I managed to show up for a pre-op appointment for my first laproscopy with waking pneumonia...really this takes talent, folks...I actually didn't feel as awful as one would think but it meant the surgery had to be postponed. I need this surgery, more each day, and I can't live like this. Bring on the Vitamin C (don't know if it works, might as well try!).
I'm trying to get in what I can before I'm sidelined. We had a very fun evening last Saturday, the type my 33 year old body can only handle a couple times a year. Paid for it on Sunday, but it was a TON of fun and let us expand our friendship with one couple and meet some new folks too (and the bartender said she'll totally push "The Cheryl"..see the first bullet-point here). I tried to clean the shower on Sunday and was reminded that I haven't been able to do much of that stuff in months but I was stubborn since I'll definitely be unable to do it soon. I've also pushed through decent workouts and will hit the gym today for lower body, back, and core...delaying the muscle loss as long as possible. I'll miss my cute "baby biceps." I also need to bring the gym owner my "doctor's note" to pause my membership. It's ironic, in junior high or high school, I'd have PAID for a note excusing me from gym for three to four MONTHS. Now, it sorta made me cry
I've been working on preparing for recovery. I have books stacked up, both my Harper review copies and some other purchases. I also got a notification today that my DVD of Community Season One is en route. I caught on to the show this year and love it, though do prefer the more organic episodes to some of those aimed at parodying certain film styles. MM likes it too which is good. I'll spend 2-3 days in the hospital and then be at my dad's for a bit to delay the car ride (sitting is really hard after a fusion...like 20min at a time hard...luckily the car seats recline well). MM will take me home Fri or Sat and is taking the next week off (I didn't ask him too, he's just that awesome). I told him I get the bedroom TV for silly stuff and he gets the living room, but he likes Community too so it is doubly good. I also bought those ridiculous wet wipes for grownups...TMI but I read they can be a godsend.
The harder part is the mental prep. I've talked a lot about the intricacies of chronic pain. People ask how I can stand to work out when I'm hurting, from the endo and, in recent years, the back. It is pretty simple, if I waited till I was pain-free then I'd really never workout. I like sweets too much for that....well, I like sweets AND fitting in my jeans In the past, playing through pain was the RIGHT choice. It is ultimately good to be at a healthy weight. The endo could be worse with extra fat leading to more estrogen and the back would not be helped at all by excess weight). The back docs have okayed my workouts and even encouraged the strength end (which, I'll admit, I dread but I love the results) as a first-round fight. Once I get going, I often do feel better (gotta love endorphins) although I do get rebound pain that can be pretty bad later, esp from the endo.
Recovery is another ball game. It is NOT good to push, especially early. I need to learn to listen to my body and take it easy. Walking is good. One team member said he'd usually say unlimited walking but he knew not to do that with me. A few 10min slow walks on even turf are good, nine miles (even slow as I've been forced to by the back) are not. The fusion process involves encouraging my bones to grow around the insert, with the help of a protein. Someone pointed out it isn't unlike getting a fracture to heal and that they cast the break for a reason. Failure to behave might make it a total failure.
I'd be in denial for a while (poet!!). I kept saying I was "good at surgery" since I've had five. I've realize this is a LOT bigger deal than those. It is pretty major stuff. I'm working on the mental prep (including "allowing" myself a bit of room on the scale and promising myself I'll be able to get back on track when I'm all fixed). I know it will be long and hard. As a girl, my mom often quoted a road sign she'd seen about a construction zone: "Temporary inconvenience for permanent improvement." That's my mantra. Well, that ad my usual channelling of Dory: "Just keep swimming!" (just using "recovering" as the focus instead of pushing through a w/o).
And I'm totally getting a Nutter Butter Blizzard this weekend.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
insurance panic
(UPDATE: It is okay...the call was about a heavy co-pay but I knew about that)
I confess...this is a total vent. MM isn't home yet and the parents already got emails. I'm scared and so I'm writing.
I got a VM from my insurance company asking me to call ASAP (my cell indicator failed to light up so I returned the 11AM call around 4:30). I'm terrified there's a problem. I'm on my ex's insurance...MA law provides for continued coverage at spousal rates which is lovely since COBRA costs are crazy and I'm still job-less. X is a professor and technically a state employee so the insurance is good BUT focused on MA and becoming more so by the day. I do know I may have to deal with an 80/20 coverage split for being out-of-state. That SUCKS but I'll figure it out. It would cost more to get a new doc and start again (though I'd have my films), both in medical costs and for travel.
Honestly, I truly need this surgery. I get worse by the day and truly feel disabled by the pain. I have such a limited store of energy and have to think through every little task. Dropping a sock makes my heart stop for a moment (luckily, I've always had quite talented feet and can often grab things with my toes...for whatever reason it doesn't hurt to bring it up to me that way if it is light). When MM gets home, he bends over the back of the couch to give me a kiss and I can't always tilt back enough to meet him. The grocery run is much more of a true chore.
I've done it right. I fought through the pain but went to a doctor when it became clear it was more than just soreness. I sought out the right specialists. I tried epidural shots, despite my terror of needles. I spent months in PT in Boston building muscle (some lost during the pain, some neglected) and trying to gain flexibility (I'm never gonna be bendy). I kept it up on my own but sought more PT when I was going further dowhill and that time worked on building my core. After stopping PT, I kept up a solid mix of the two routines and I'm strong despite the fact that it is hard to lift when yoy hurt and are low energy. I've gone through tests, including the scary discogram.
Surgery is what's left. It is scary. I trust the docs but I am nervous about the long and slow recovery. I need it. I'm not living a full life (and neither is MM, though he's been wonderful through this all).
Maybe the insurance folks just need to check an address. But it's going to be a long wait of staring at the phone.
I confess...this is a total vent. MM isn't home yet and the parents already got emails. I'm scared and so I'm writing.
I got a VM from my insurance company asking me to call ASAP (my cell indicator failed to light up so I returned the 11AM call around 4:30). I'm terrified there's a problem. I'm on my ex's insurance...MA law provides for continued coverage at spousal rates which is lovely since COBRA costs are crazy and I'm still job-less. X is a professor and technically a state employee so the insurance is good BUT focused on MA and becoming more so by the day. I do know I may have to deal with an 80/20 coverage split for being out-of-state. That SUCKS but I'll figure it out. It would cost more to get a new doc and start again (though I'd have my films), both in medical costs and for travel.
Honestly, I truly need this surgery. I get worse by the day and truly feel disabled by the pain. I have such a limited store of energy and have to think through every little task. Dropping a sock makes my heart stop for a moment (luckily, I've always had quite talented feet and can often grab things with my toes...for whatever reason it doesn't hurt to bring it up to me that way if it is light). When MM gets home, he bends over the back of the couch to give me a kiss and I can't always tilt back enough to meet him. The grocery run is much more of a true chore.
I've done it right. I fought through the pain but went to a doctor when it became clear it was more than just soreness. I sought out the right specialists. I tried epidural shots, despite my terror of needles. I spent months in PT in Boston building muscle (some lost during the pain, some neglected) and trying to gain flexibility (I'm never gonna be bendy). I kept it up on my own but sought more PT when I was going further dowhill and that time worked on building my core. After stopping PT, I kept up a solid mix of the two routines and I'm strong despite the fact that it is hard to lift when yoy hurt and are low energy. I've gone through tests, including the scary discogram.
Surgery is what's left. It is scary. I trust the docs but I am nervous about the long and slow recovery. I need it. I'm not living a full life (and neither is MM, though he's been wonderful through this all).
Maybe the insurance folks just need to check an address. But it's going to be a long wait of staring at the phone.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
We Need to Talk About Kevin -- Worth the Work
I confess...I've debated for a while whether or not to include ALL my book reviews here. I always post the Harper ones here since that's part of the whole free book deal, but usually only post the rest at Goodreads and on Amazon. I haven't come to a real conclusion but am going to share this one because some folks expressed curiosity when I started the read and, more honestly, because I'm really trying to spend at least a bit of time focusing on something other than the upcoming challenge.
When I picked up Lionel Shriver's We Need To Talk About Kevin, I knew I was in for an emotionally challenging read. The book is a mother's reflections on raising a son who became the perpetrator of a school shooing in the late 90s (he is annoyed by the fact that the Columbine kids got more media). It is presented as a series of letters to her husband who never quite saw why she was concerned that Kevin was never quite normal from infancy. She readily admits that she was not the best mother and she, and the reader, is left wondering about the nature/nurture divide.
As I said, I knew it would be a challenging topic. I was unprepared for the challenging prose. I can see how it fits the narrator, it is a bit pretentious and wordy and the mother is definitely the type who would write in such a manner. It made it a real struggle to read the book at first and it took about 100 pages for me to adjust, a period during which I was wondering if I'd gotten into a book I would regret starting.
In the end, however, I am glad I stuck it out. Even noting the initial struggle, the book easily gets four stars (of five) from me. I like that the narrator doesn't ask for forgiveness or ignore her own faults. She also openly addresses whether she is giving herself too much "credit" for the creation of Kevin. The author never really falls on either the nature or nurture side, which I appreciate since I'm pretty sure the "answer" lies someplace in the middle. If you've read more or my rambly reviews, you know I'm a reader who focuses on characters over plot and Kevin and his mother are very well-drawn and nuanced. The father feels less so, but that may be appropriate since he is portrayed as caught up in an image of fatherhood that ignores the reality that is his son.
The book is certainly dark, but I also didn't find it as bad as it might have been. There's certainly an aura of evil, but (for those concerned) it didn't feel like the stuff that would cause sleepless nights. It is a study in character and darkness providing lots of fodder for thought. It isn't an easy read, either in style or substance, but I found it worth the work.
When I picked up Lionel Shriver's We Need To Talk About Kevin, I knew I was in for an emotionally challenging read. The book is a mother's reflections on raising a son who became the perpetrator of a school shooing in the late 90s (he is annoyed by the fact that the Columbine kids got more media). It is presented as a series of letters to her husband who never quite saw why she was concerned that Kevin was never quite normal from infancy. She readily admits that she was not the best mother and she, and the reader, is left wondering about the nature/nurture divide.
As I said, I knew it would be a challenging topic. I was unprepared for the challenging prose. I can see how it fits the narrator, it is a bit pretentious and wordy and the mother is definitely the type who would write in such a manner. It made it a real struggle to read the book at first and it took about 100 pages for me to adjust, a period during which I was wondering if I'd gotten into a book I would regret starting.
In the end, however, I am glad I stuck it out. Even noting the initial struggle, the book easily gets four stars (of five) from me. I like that the narrator doesn't ask for forgiveness or ignore her own faults. She also openly addresses whether she is giving herself too much "credit" for the creation of Kevin. The author never really falls on either the nature or nurture side, which I appreciate since I'm pretty sure the "answer" lies someplace in the middle. If you've read more or my rambly reviews, you know I'm a reader who focuses on characters over plot and Kevin and his mother are very well-drawn and nuanced. The father feels less so, but that may be appropriate since he is portrayed as caught up in an image of fatherhood that ignores the reality that is his son.
The book is certainly dark, but I also didn't find it as bad as it might have been. There's certainly an aura of evil, but (for those concerned) it didn't feel like the stuff that would cause sleepless nights. It is a study in character and darkness providing lots of fodder for thought. It isn't an easy read, either in style or substance, but I found it worth the work.
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