Monday, September 20, 2010

my body: a post in two parts

I confess...I need to whine. And then I will move on. So, for the blog-reading public, I will clearly label the two parts of this post. I know I whine a lot but it's my blog so I get to whine if I need to, and I need to...but you can skip it if you so desire.

Part 1: Whining

I hurt. Bad. I feel like pain is too big a part of my world. I have always had aches and pains and the endometriosis will likely be an issue for another decade or two. Right now though, it is my back that's the problem. I first complained of soreness in my glutes in summer 2009 but I thought that was just typical gym-goer aches. In November 2009, it became clear it was more and I stopped being able to run. I went to doctors starting in December and it took a few months (and two MRIs) to hit the right diagnosis. It got worse and worse in that time. I went through some injections and eventually to PT and it seemed to improve.

But, I've gone backwards. I left PT in June due to my move and haven't restarted since I'm not sure how long I'll be in this location. I've been okay about the strength training my PT recommended, I admit I haven't been good at the stretching. I have been under stress, which doesn't help. Neither does some travel last week. It is now about the worst it's been. Most days are a 7 on the "pain scale" times they push to an 8 (10 is the worst you can imagine). I have some medicine but sometimes (umm, now) it only seems to take the edge off.

I keep walking on the treadmill but watch runners with jealousy. I look forward to being asleep since I get to escape for a bit. I'm TIRED. Not sleepy-tired, just worn down. Pain is beyond draining. I'm mad at my body...even more so since stress leads me to food and my clothes are tight. And my body has a habit of falling apart when one part acts up...hayfever, hives, endo... I'd post an ad on Craigslist looking to trade my body in for a new version but it might be misinterpretted and flagged as inappropriate.

Part 2: Praising

Okay, so I am going to shift my mind a bit. Magazines tell women to stand naked before a mirror and praise each body part, head to toe. I don't like the idea of forcing praise...I don't think it does any good when it isn't genuine (and can actually hurt if it makes you dwell) so I won't pretend to praise every inch. But I'm going to be positive and a cheerleader for my body. I'm going to try hard to make a pretty good-sized list. Here we go:
  • My eyes are expressive and I am a strong observer. I see more than just what's obvious with them. I think they show empathy and understanding too.
  • When I was little, my mom was worried that I needed reading glasses because I always furrowed my brow when I read. The eye doctor said I had strong reading vision, I just really concentrated hard. I still furrow. Those little lines on my forehead are proof of 32 years of deep thought.
  • My neck and collarbone are sexy. They have stayed that way with all my weight changes. I like to touch my collarbone. It makes me feel good about myself. I do it unconsciously...not just in flirting mode (as people might guess) but just to give myself an inner boost.
  • My hair stands out in a crowd. It makes people remember me. And it is TOUGH....I don't dye it but I blow it dry every day and, a few split ends aside, it put up with that.
  • My skin is just a little exotic looking and it intrigues people (who then play "guess her ethnicity"). Someone once commected that I look like a slightly exotic version of a girl-next-door...I think my skin is a part of that. I've moved to a tinted moisturizer but have gotten away with no real makeup thus far.
  • My teeth are straight and nice. I put in my time getting them that way (several removed and then years in braces).
  • My triceps are starting to come back. I like the little arc of sculpted muscle that shows when I carry a bag of groceries. I am proud of them.
  • My shoulders are sexy. I may have lots of mixed thoughts about having gotten married, but they looked pretty darn awesome in my gown. As did the upper back area.
  • My calves are solid and sculpted. You can see the muscle even in flats.
  • My feet look pretty with a pedicure. They do have some callouses but those are cool too because they are from hard work, rather than just from fashion choices. So I embrace them.
  • My brain is inside, but it's pretty damn smart.

1 comment:

ellen said...

Pain stinks - I wish I could make it better. You are beautiful inside and out. You are more than just beautiful body parts. You are brilliant, a good person and deserve more than you have been getting lately. No, I don't just say that because I am your mother!