I confess....I am angry. And exhausted. And frustrated.
I'm still spending most of the day in bed, where I've been for the better part of two weeks. If I stay perfectly still, the pain is manageable. But even moving to use the bathroom shoots it back up. I'm stubborn and tried to sit with MM for our nightly Daily Show and Colbert Report reruns (they show the prior night's episodes at 6 and 630) the past couple of nights...it feels like I'm sitting on a pole that's going in just above my butt and travelling along my lower spine. The rest of the time it feels like there's a knife in my back and someone is slowly twisting it. The pain often hits an 8 on the doc's beloved pain scale (1 to 10). Staying still can knock it down to a 6 but it is has been so constant that I'm just overwhelmed by it. It is often so overwhelming that I can't even really watch TV. FYI -- the ceiling above the bed is boring, the fan's a little more interesting. This post is being written in 15 minute increments since that's about my attention span.
I'm a bit at a loss of what to do. I've never been bed-ridden for more than a day or two (that was endo related and I usually knew it was coming). I've struggled through my errands....including an annual Gyn appointment which is what every woman wants to do when she's already in pain and which always means kicking up the endo pain too. The doc is giving me medicine that is supposed to help mentally deal with pain but doesn't want to give me more pain meds. I was so happy to be entirely free of them and part of me wouldn't want to go back to medicines, but that's outweighed by wanting to feel human.
I guess it is good that I don't have a job so don't have to worry about the time off. I did have to give up my law blog ghostwriting for the past two weeks which makes me feel pathetic. I covered a small event for Friday's edition of the little freebie paper (page 4 of the 3/9/12 edition if you are dying to know about the Bellefonte Math Family Fun Night). Luckily I could cover that in only about a ten minute visit. Tonight I have a bigger event for the paper and I'm nervous. I was really excited to be asked to cover it since it is a benefit dinner for the Bellefonte Education Foundation. Now I'm just plain nervous about getting through the event (2-3 hours).
I had the surgery. I went through the recovery. I worked hard at PT for four months. I did the x-rays and they showed my bones were growing. I did it all. Yesterday marked seven months. It wasn't supposed it be like this. I really thought I was improving and was doing okay as I stepped down my medicines. I guess I knew it was coming back whenever they wore off but it was very manageable. Now that the pain is constant, it isn't.
I have an MRI scheduled for the 19th and am meeting with a pain specialist on the 29th....I need a fast-forward button to get me there.