grief...

I confess...I appear to be grieving.

I've been thinking a lot about how I've reacted to my current hip injury. It's by far the most painful and long-lasting injury I've had. In this reflection, I realized I've been hitting all the "traditional" stages on grief. Not necessarily in order, but they've all been there...

• Denial - Heck, yeah. I said for many weeks that my left glute hurt a bit but totally ignored it. Then it became more of a hip issue. And I ignored it and said I was just sore. I am very good at denial. It still comes back sometimes but is mostly in the past....it's hard to deny when the pain is this constant and severe.
• Anger - This one comes in phases. I'm mad at myself for the injury. I'm mad at my body for its seeming desire to hit every possible injury in the book and for just constantly being a battleground for me (that may be its own post one day...my body is both the aggressor and the target in battle). Recently, I was FURIOUS...a stage I really rarely reach...at the lack of response from my doctor. And I'm definitely a "Why me"-er....especially with the constant onslaught of physical maladies.
• Bargaining - I hit this one early on. I promised myself I'd let up on my gym routine in December and in return decided the injury would go away but the new year. Yeah, that didn't happen. It got worse. But I kept bargaining..I'd rest all week it I could then do my weekend routine. Yeah, that no longer works either. There's not much left to bargain with since I pretty well side-lined from things that involve standing. Or sitting. Or anything but lying still in a well-designed position, preferably asleep.
• Depression - It's on and off. And it is totally better than it would have been before I started on medicine to help steady my moods. But I do get really sad. I've been there a lot in the past week or so. I'm sleeping a LOT and I think that's partly because of the lack of exercise but I'm sure depression is a factor.
• Acceptance - Well, maybe soon. We're moving forward. I think reaching acceptance requires resolution...or even a formal decree that none exists. I have an appointment with a new specialist tomorrow and I will get things moving for physical therapy as soon as the prescription is in place from my doc (umm, WHY isn't that done...back to anger...). Hopefully these moves will lead to answers and solutions (beyond pain medicine that really doesn't mask the pain, just makes me care less about it). And hopefully answers and solutions are the gateway to acceptance.