Rambler Raves (pssstt....i save the best for last)

Apologies for the silence...I really intended to step up my blogging efforts but that just hasn't happened.  I'm dealing with some uncertainty on the back front (that phrase amuse me) and the pain's been rough.  It often saps my mental capacity and it has been taking longer to do my ghost-writing law blog posts so I have been neglecting this little corner.  I'd say I intend to rectify that, but I'm nervous about even making promises to myself.

Anyway, a simpler post today, making good use of my beloved bullet points and sharing some of the things your Rambler is loving these days:

• I have a love/hate relationship with my hair.  I got it cut recently and she took a bit more than usual and threw in a few more layers.  I'm finding it really tough to control and relying on my recently acquired flat iron when I need to look decent.  However, I'm loving Treseemme's Cashmere Touch Hyrdating Serum.  Left alone, my hair can feel kinda course and rough, but a few pumps of this product makes my hair feel nice and soft.
• I'm a new convert to Greek Yogurt.  No real brand rave here, I pick a lower calorie version which isn't always truly the best health option, but I have become a fan of the thicker texture and added protein boost.
• On a less healthy note, Jelly Belly Belly Flops rock.  They need to be ordered but they are still a major cost saver compared to the regular packs, especially given my addiction to them.  You get the leftovers that are misshapen or otherwise imperfect.  They warn that it may include some of the icky flavors from their specialty Harry Potter themed packs, but I've only had a few that tasted funky.  Most are from the typical 40 flavor pouches.
• On the "stuff normal folks don't talk about" front, I am a horrible teeth grinder.  One dentist said I was "impressive" after I chewed right through two temporary crowns, one metal.  After chewing through an expensive dentist-ordered night guard, I tried drugstore types.  I never found the "boil" ones comfortable and chewed through them pretty quickly.  The Sleep Right Guard has been MUCH better and much more durable.  I did actually trim it a bit to make it better for my small mouth but will try their "slim" option next (lasts longer, but not forever...I've had mine about a year and expect I have a couple months left).  It is one of the pricier drugstore options, but it definitely saved me money over time.  They do offer replacement if you chew through it or have other issues w/in a three or six month time frame (depends on specific style).
• I have an inability to not glance at clearance sections, including a small area in our local grocery store.  I picked up a Sweet Vanilla Fig body wash and lotion set for something like $6....the website lists it at $25.  Love the scent and the fact that it is from a small company that focuses on natural ingredients. 
• I'm moving slowly, but I am still enjoying reading for Harper....hoping to have the final pages of a book done and a new review up soon.
• And, the best rave of all, adapted from my recent Facebook status, posted during a mini-getaway with MM -- Best hotel upgrade yet... Checked in with a boyfriend,  checking out with a fiancé!  Love you more, mister. I couldn't have even imagined finding a partner as wonderful as you. Thanks for giving me the honor of saying "YES! "

Playin' With the Calendar -- January 32, 2013

The word "irony" is overused.  And this is not a true case of irony.  But I'm still tempted to call it ironic...  (P.S. I will come fix this soon.  I am writing as my sleepytime meds are starting to work...still awake, but prone to beinga bit :off:)

I'd just left Pain Shrink.  I'd pretty much used the whole hour just updating him on the mess that was January.  Actually, I started with a bit of the holidays since I'd seen him last before Christmas when MM and I went up to his mom and tried to make her a holiday despite her being in the rehab center following her triple bypass.  Pain Shrink remarked that he'd heard of plenty of bad months, but very few that had as many hits as January did for us (I'd actually cancelled a prior appt because we were out of town for one of the funerals). 

We actually booked an appointment in two weeks rather than the usual three or four since we hadn't gotten to cover much about pain (and January raised a lot of issues...plus the pain has been and remains pretty awful).  I decided, actually with his blessing, to stop for a bottle of wine.  I also realized I had forgotten to send an email and, at a light, pulled out a paper where I'd noted some mileage information on the car.  I wanted to send an email from my phone and to do so from the lot before I forgot.  I wanted to clarify that Betty (my 2000 Acura) was actually getting under 7,500 miles annually now that Fred (the Buick) is also in our household/on my plan. 

So, vented on January, prepped to send an email to my State Farm agent, and turned in to hit the wine store around 4:30 on Feb 1.  And, in what wasn't true "irony" but I still want to call ironic, my car got hit by a woman backing out of a spot.  Oddly, I'd noticed a guy a little further up and wasn't sure he was looking so I was going even slower than usual parking lot aisle speed.  I did not, however, see the woman on the passenger side until it was too late and she was coming at me. 

The woman was nice and apologized immediately (yes, they tell you not to do that, but frankly I appreciated it and we both knew it was clearly her fault).  Her car had a bit of damage.  Betty has a bit more...it is a bad enough dent that it became an outright hole in the front-most panel (just a bit off from the bumper) and a broken light.  The lady asked if I wanted to report it or deal with it privately.  I said I thought we needed to call the cops but that I didn't have the number and didn't want to call 911 if we could avoid it.  She had the number so placed the call.  Oddly, at that moment, my phone rang with MM's tone.  I told him I'd been in a nasty fender bender but was okay.  He asked where I was.  I said he didn't need to come but told him I was near the Wal-Mart (yes, it shares a lot with the wine store) .  He was actually right at the intersection/enterance to the store.  So he came, mostly just kept me company.  I did warn the other folks (female driver, male passenger) that my boyfriend was coming since he was nearby and said it wasn't at all b/c either of us was upset and they'd been perfectly nice...probably should have mentioned he'd be in uniform (looks like a general Air Force uniform, no real distinction for the Guard).

No one was hurt.  I did feel jolted a bit and ALL of me tightened so that includes the painful laces.  I made sure not to mention the preexisting medical mess....she didn't need worry about being dragged into some horrid fight (since I have no doubt some people would go after it all and try to blame the whole injury on her and find a coattail to ride on for paying for injury treatment.

Anyway, we waited.  Cop came and took my statement and then hers (without the other driver present so don't truly know what she said but she seemed to be an honest lady).  Told us to exchange info (we had already, it was too cold to stand outside so we did mostly wait in our cars but got the info done).  Basically said that we should call our insurance folks and they'll deal with the rest.  He noted some insurance companies tell the driver to obtain the police report....if you do that, they charge you 10-15 bucks.  The officer said he personally would argue that the insurance co should get it, more for the principle than for the $15.

So, yeah.  I did make a loop before continuing to the wine store....just felt weird to go right from the incident.  talked to my State Farm folks.  if she's honest, i don't even pay the $500 deductible.  And there is a shop that is on their Preferred List that also works for us.  I'll call tomorrow (Monday) ad then leave it to get an estimate.  Hopefully I won't need to be involved in any of the discussions of cost because the insurer get billed directly.  Likely going to do the rental car.  I pay 20%, they pay 80%, I'm allowed to do the intermediate but will go economy and it won't be a big cost for having access to a car (we have two others, Bill will be taking the Buick, I am NOT driving the Vette in the current weather). 

So, let's just decide that was January 32nd.  Saturday, a nice quiet home day, is the start of the new and improved month of February.

making sense of loss

They say bad news comes in threes.  I hope that means we're done.  January has been one for the record books.  I'm trying to process it, to make sense of the senseless, and to find lessons in it all.  I wrote about confronting loss back in the summer, after standing with MM as his father passed.  I wrote then about the meaning in final moments, and those thoughts are running rampant again.

One

The bad news started with a cousin MM hadn't seen since childhood, whom he recently found was also a friend of his closest friend.  He'd been ill with pancreatic cancer for some time.  He passed away at the same time that people were gathering for a benefit for his care.  He was in his early thirties.

I didn't know this young man, so my thoughts are a bit more general and may be wholly irrelevant.  But, I've long heard, including from Dr Dad, that patients who pass away after a long illness know when it is okay to go.  Some will wait for family to arrive, others wait till a member who couldn't handle the moment is out of the room.  I wonder if this young man felt a certain type of peace drawn from the knowledge that he was loved by many.  And if he also wanted to know people were together and safe.  There's a beauty in all that.  In wanting peace and to feel loved in the last moments.  And wanting your loved ones to feel the same.  They are moments we should seek out before our last.

Two

A brother-in-law, at times truly a brother, of MM's.  He was actually the first person MM introduced me to (I got a "you did good" review in a text).  His death was unexpected.  He was in his mid-40s.  He left behind three children and one step-daughter, ranging in age from mid-twenties to merely nine.

I don't think I'll ever lose the image of the nine year old girl running barefoot from her door, jumping into MM's arms, in tears, and saying "I miss my Daddy."  That moment is part of what I'll take away from this loss.  MM hadn't seen the niece in some time but there was an immediate connection.  That sense of connecting, and reconnecting, permeated the days spent with the family and friends.  It reminded me that death can bring people together.  And that we shouldn't wait for a sad event to make those connections. 

In a similar but distinct vein, this loss served as an image of how I think such times should go.  There was a lot to do in the days proceeding the funeral, the wrapping up that needs to be done when a loss is unexpected.  The memorial was a time for mourning and sadness, a noting of the passing.  When we returned to the family home, they played the same slide-show that had been at the memorial for a while.  I missed the moment when the change was made, but at some point that switched and a Just Dance game was flipped on.  I got a medical excuse but most others played, including people who hadn't connected in many years.  People laughed and had fun, both playing and watching.  This felt so right to me.  The loved ones mourned.  And then they lived on.  They reconnected and celebrated togetherness.  I'd want that one day.  To be remembered but also to have everyone live and smile and laugh.  Funerals are about loss but, in my mind at least, they can also be about life.

Three

This one was from my side.  My uncle was into vitamins and fitness before the days of GNC Vita-Packs and before everyone's key rings were adorned with gym membership cards.  He had a seizure one day and, although they weren't sure there was a direct link, it led to the scans that revealed brain cancer.  It was a vicious form, one people didn't tend to live with for long.  He fought an impressive three and a half years, including walking his daughter down the aisle in November and making sure his son was able to fly home from Arizona to say goodbye.  He'd gone downhill in the past year but never stopped fighting.  A final surgery in late November marked the shift towards the end.  He was in his mid-60s.

I'd grown up seeing this branch of my family about four or five times a year.  My Uncle was always all smiles.  At the service, we heard again and again how he'd touched people.  He'd always praised everyone, from his family to the staff at the cancer center.  And they all came to say goodbye. His son's childhood friends commented that my Uncle often seemed more interested in their lives as young people than their own fathers.   He found a way to pull out a positive trait and compliment each person in a very personal manner rather than a more superficial way.  He was a teacher and a therapist by trade and carried similar traits beyond the office.

I've been thinking about all that in recent days.  He lived for connection and dedicated himself to making people feel seen and appreciated.  Hearing people speak reminded me of how important that is and how real and meaningful it is to touch people in small moments.  I've always said I didn't need to be remembered in history books and have concrete proof of my days, that I only need to know my life touched other lives and that I gave something to even one person.  This loss made that belief even clearer.  I can only hope to be remembered as well as my Uncle was, as well as he is. 

My cousin said to me that he was tired of people saying they were sorry for the loss or how he was too young.  He said he preferred to hear how the people had been touched by his father, the difference his life had made.  That's the insight I'll finish on, the need to remember and celebrate lives and connections and the many ways in which we love and are loved in return.

P.S.  Perhaps it isn't right to add, but we also lost a fish last night, one of the first group we'd bought.  Thanks for living with us and bringing us smiles, Fork.