I confess....I am actually interested in chatting about the child abuse story that is focused right in my backyard, but I do want to do a quick health update too so y'all may be getting two posts back-to-back. I know, you are excited. My blog traffic is down according to the "stats" button on my "Dashboard" but I've been told that may miss folks who view it through readers. Not sure if that's the case and I do get a kick out of higher view numbers, but I also find the blog pretty useful for collecting my thoughts regardless. That's semi-honest.
Anyway, I do like that I will be able to look back on the back journey and also may be able to refer others here who are facing similar challenges. I had my 3 month follow-up appointment on Wednesday. As a quick refresher, I had an anterior lumbar interbody fusion at L5/S1 (a low back spinal fusion that went through the belly) on 8/8/11. It followed a couple years of increasing pain and failed attempts to use injections and physical therapy to remedy it. The doc reported that the disc was one of the worst he's seen in years, significant given that he regularly does multiple fusions a week and a validation that the pain was quite real.
My mental chant has been "Go bones, go!" since the bones need to fuse themselves over the inserted cages. The first month appointment was too early to tell much so I was anxious to see the x-rays this time and THRILLED to see "new bone" growing. This is VERY good news and a sign that I will eventually "fully fuse" which makes the operation successful and hopefully remedies the pain. The full fusion takes a year but it is encouraging to see it is going in the right direction. The surgeon was very pleased with the status.
I do still have a good bit of pain but the doc was not concerned. It has been more focused on the lower back in the past weeks which scared me. I was more certain it was my body adjusting when it was full spine and this felt too much like my "old" pain. But the doc was not concerned. I am going to wean off wearing my brace over the next two weeks and then he'll send an order to start physical therapy. The PT will focus on strength and stretching related to the operation but the doc said that PT can also give me tips on getting back into weight training more generally which is great. I miss my triceps!
I will pretty definitely have a scar. It is a little bigger than "four fingers" and between my navel and bikini line. A bit jealous of my wise back buddy (met her on a forum, she's a couple years younger but we have a LOT in common....she had a similar surgery about 3w later and is also a fitness person so we can relate a lot) who actually asked for and got a horizontal incision that is low enough for coverage in swimwear. Mine is vertical. It is still red but the doc says it will turn white. It's funny, the first time I wore a bikini in my life was at age 27. I'm not at my happy weight these days so the excuse to turn in the two-piece is not such a horrid thing and it certainly is not an everyday public area so it could be much worse. The incision pain was HORRID the first few days but that did disappear pretty quickly and the itching calmed over time.
So, good news all around. Still feeling frustrated with the pain and the limitations but it helps to know it is all going in the right direction. Progress is being made, I'll get to make more progress with PT etc., and there WILL be a day when this is all in the past. Thanks to all who have shared support and sent good thoughts. I can't express how valuable it has been to have a cheering section!
Friday, November 11, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Books, The Women & Power Edition: An American Wife (Sittenfeld) and Pope Joan (
I confess...I' often amused to find that I go on unintentional theme sprees with my reading. The two books I'm reviewing today are VERY different but both have women protagonists and both involve positions of power. They are very different, but I like the theme and would love any suggestions for other books in the same vein.
Sittenfeld admits the book takes the life of Laura Bush as its starting point (and I'm saying more about plot points b/c they have not been held secret). She suggests it is all fiction, just with big mileposts that are the same as the former First Lady, and I'm in no position to judge how much it overlaps in terms of personality etc. Alice is a young woman growing up in Wisconsin. She has some liberal tendencies and some family issues, but she's a pretty typical teen until a car accident where she is driving results in the death of a classmate. Alice ends up leaving town for college, pursuing a library/education career, and eventually ends up (in her early 30s) meeting a man from a well-known family who has some political ambitions. They marry fast, have a child, and the book follows them as Alice adjusts to (and is somewhat uncomfortable in) a posh suburban lifestyle with a very challenging extended family. After a bout with drinking and questionable behavior, her husband becomes very religious and grows professionally as he moves from the family business to owning a baseball team to serving as Governor and later President. Through it all, Alice questions how she can be so in love with him and yet disagree with so much of what he stands for as their different political views becomes more prominent.
I enjoyed this book. I'm giving it 3.5 stars but easily rounding up to 4. It wasn't great literature, but a fun "guilty pleasure" read. I liked watching Alice adjust to her changing surroundings and seeing her try to feel okay living a country-club life while her heart was often tugged by stories of those less fortunate. The vast majority of the book is set in their pre-White House years and I would have liked a bit more about her adjustment to life in such a unique environment. I appreciated that Alice fought to balance being a supportive partner with her own beliefs and related to the struggle to understand how to retain her own views while her spouse pursued a career that had some very different underpinnings.
Recommended as an easy and fun read that is someplace between "chick lit" (which I totally think has its time and place) and "serious fiction"....though probably much more of a woman's read than a man's.
In the ninth-century, "female" has a lot of negative context and women are expected to remain uneducated and to submit fully to the wills of fathers and husbands. Joan bristles against authority from a young age, seeking out learning despite being harshly punished by her father for it (and blamed for the death of a much-beloved son). Joan eventually escapes from her father and is able to attend school as a female while living with the family of Gerold, the only man that really stirs desire in Joan and one who supports her desire to learn. As Joan's education is ending and she is facing the more traditional role of women in her time, a Viking attack provides her with an opportunity. She assumes the identity of a slain brother and begins to live as a man. This life takes her to a monastery, a life as a healer, and, eventually (as the title tells you so I'm not considering it a spoiler), the papacy.
I enjoyed this very much. I thought the author did a great job showing that the decision to live as a man did open doors for Joan (aka John) but also came at some sacrifice. While the time period worked against Joan in many ways, the dislike of the body meant it was usually pretty easy for Joan to keep her secret and there are only a few times when her sex is close to being revealed. In general, Joan enjoys life as a man but she clearly feels limited in her ability to push for things, such as schooling for girls, that were contrary to the beliefs of her day. There is also a love story weaved in. It is not the focus of the book but it does give Joan pause and makes her question what her heart wants and whether the sacrifices are worthwhile. I didn't always care for some of the battle stories but they were in place and necessary. It moves at a good pace and I was able to buy into the times when a lot of lucky coincidence saves Joan's secret and her life.
I'd recommend this book to folks intrigued by secrets and by life in a very different time. I am not a history buff but I am interested in "everyday life" in different eras....this book had both. I expect more women will pick it up, but I do think it can hold appeal for both genders.
- An American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld (side note: Curtis is a woman....just FYI)
Sittenfeld admits the book takes the life of Laura Bush as its starting point (and I'm saying more about plot points b/c they have not been held secret). She suggests it is all fiction, just with big mileposts that are the same as the former First Lady, and I'm in no position to judge how much it overlaps in terms of personality etc. Alice is a young woman growing up in Wisconsin. She has some liberal tendencies and some family issues, but she's a pretty typical teen until a car accident where she is driving results in the death of a classmate. Alice ends up leaving town for college, pursuing a library/education career, and eventually ends up (in her early 30s) meeting a man from a well-known family who has some political ambitions. They marry fast, have a child, and the book follows them as Alice adjusts to (and is somewhat uncomfortable in) a posh suburban lifestyle with a very challenging extended family. After a bout with drinking and questionable behavior, her husband becomes very religious and grows professionally as he moves from the family business to owning a baseball team to serving as Governor and later President. Through it all, Alice questions how she can be so in love with him and yet disagree with so much of what he stands for as their different political views becomes more prominent.
I enjoyed this book. I'm giving it 3.5 stars but easily rounding up to 4. It wasn't great literature, but a fun "guilty pleasure" read. I liked watching Alice adjust to her changing surroundings and seeing her try to feel okay living a country-club life while her heart was often tugged by stories of those less fortunate. The vast majority of the book is set in their pre-White House years and I would have liked a bit more about her adjustment to life in such a unique environment. I appreciated that Alice fought to balance being a supportive partner with her own beliefs and related to the struggle to understand how to retain her own views while her spouse pursued a career that had some very different underpinnings.
Recommended as an easy and fun read that is someplace between "chick lit" (which I totally think has its time and place) and "serious fiction"....though probably much more of a woman's read than a man's.
- Pope Joan by Donna Woolcraft Cross
In the ninth-century, "female" has a lot of negative context and women are expected to remain uneducated and to submit fully to the wills of fathers and husbands. Joan bristles against authority from a young age, seeking out learning despite being harshly punished by her father for it (and blamed for the death of a much-beloved son). Joan eventually escapes from her father and is able to attend school as a female while living with the family of Gerold, the only man that really stirs desire in Joan and one who supports her desire to learn. As Joan's education is ending and she is facing the more traditional role of women in her time, a Viking attack provides her with an opportunity. She assumes the identity of a slain brother and begins to live as a man. This life takes her to a monastery, a life as a healer, and, eventually (as the title tells you so I'm not considering it a spoiler), the papacy.
I enjoyed this very much. I thought the author did a great job showing that the decision to live as a man did open doors for Joan (aka John) but also came at some sacrifice. While the time period worked against Joan in many ways, the dislike of the body meant it was usually pretty easy for Joan to keep her secret and there are only a few times when her sex is close to being revealed. In general, Joan enjoys life as a man but she clearly feels limited in her ability to push for things, such as schooling for girls, that were contrary to the beliefs of her day. There is also a love story weaved in. It is not the focus of the book but it does give Joan pause and makes her question what her heart wants and whether the sacrifices are worthwhile. I didn't always care for some of the battle stories but they were in place and necessary. It moves at a good pace and I was able to buy into the times when a lot of lucky coincidence saves Joan's secret and her life.
I'd recommend this book to folks intrigued by secrets and by life in a very different time. I am not a history buff but I am interested in "everyday life" in different eras....this book had both. I expect more women will pick it up, but I do think it can hold appeal for both genders.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
tough week, but trying some positive thoughts too
I confess...it has been a hard few weeks....
First, there's the job front. I'd applied for a job and had two interviews. They'd pressed for a number from me on salary and I gave one eventually but said, honestly, that it was not the sole element for me. I really want to have a job I enjoy more than I need a certain number right now. The next week, they said they'd loved me but could not afford me. I called and said the number was just a number and I really could look at any offer.
So, they made an offer. I've heard so often about how women are paid less b/c they fail to ask (Women Don't Ask) and I think that a bit of negotiating is normal so I did ask for a dollar per hour more. They came back a couple days later and said no. So, I said I'd take the number (it WAS really low but I did genuinely think it would be a great fit and I might like it and be of value). I asked if they could do some hours-shifting and maybe have only a 30m lunch-break and leave early one day. I said, several times, that this was NOT a deal-breaker but I wanted to check. I also asked to look at any contracts etc.
It took well over a week. I sent another email saying I really wanted to make it formal, reiterating the hours were not a deal-breaker, and asked again about paperwork. Since I agreed to everything they asked, I really thought it was fine. Three days later, they pulled the offer. Having been in hiring, I know they worry I'd leave fast but my resume reflects long-term stays so that's a bit unfair. And the fact that it took forever to hear back really upset me.
On the personal side, X is engaged. And has been since July. I am a bit pissed he didn't tell me himself. We're not really friends these days but it feels like it would have been a courtesy to not have me find out from a random mention by a shared friend. The fact that it is the girl he dated before me also feels weird. He got engaged almost exactly a year after I moved out. It just makes me feel like the eight years were really all false.
I have learned that it was NOT the right relationship for me. I am VERY much happier with MM. But I had all good intentions and I just feel like X didn't. All his "complaints" were there from day 1 but he hadn't wanted to leave b/c he felt bad leaving when I got sick and then later felt like he didn't want to break up and knew I didn't want to more w/o it being official so he proposed. Going back to the girl before me (who fit may things I didn't) just makes it feel more like he DID know it wasn't right and never really liked me for me. I'll avoid going too much further on those thoughts in public, even without names. I can admit that X was right on paper and wrong in practice. And, in some ways, he'd say the same thing. But I just feel like I didn't see it while he did....like he knew I wasn't the right one but didn't act on it till too late. It feels like a lot of false-ness.
Which is emotionally hard. I do NOT want to go back. I totally LOVE my current guy and he loves me, for who I am. This is NOT about him at all and I hope he "gets" that this mess in my head is NOT about that. It is about processing my past. And I know I'm not being totally fair to X. Of course, this is all from my viewpoint. I am the one who "defriended" on FB. I really found it unhealthy to see each other's daily updates and think that was a normal decision, not one that justifies a lack of courtesy. And he probably did have better intentions in our life together than my head says right now. But it is what's been in my head.
Anyway...
Let's list some GOOD things:
First, there's the job front. I'd applied for a job and had two interviews. They'd pressed for a number from me on salary and I gave one eventually but said, honestly, that it was not the sole element for me. I really want to have a job I enjoy more than I need a certain number right now. The next week, they said they'd loved me but could not afford me. I called and said the number was just a number and I really could look at any offer.
So, they made an offer. I've heard so often about how women are paid less b/c they fail to ask (Women Don't Ask) and I think that a bit of negotiating is normal so I did ask for a dollar per hour more. They came back a couple days later and said no. So, I said I'd take the number (it WAS really low but I did genuinely think it would be a great fit and I might like it and be of value). I asked if they could do some hours-shifting and maybe have only a 30m lunch-break and leave early one day. I said, several times, that this was NOT a deal-breaker but I wanted to check. I also asked to look at any contracts etc.
It took well over a week. I sent another email saying I really wanted to make it formal, reiterating the hours were not a deal-breaker, and asked again about paperwork. Since I agreed to everything they asked, I really thought it was fine. Three days later, they pulled the offer. Having been in hiring, I know they worry I'd leave fast but my resume reflects long-term stays so that's a bit unfair. And the fact that it took forever to hear back really upset me.
On the personal side, X is engaged. And has been since July. I am a bit pissed he didn't tell me himself. We're not really friends these days but it feels like it would have been a courtesy to not have me find out from a random mention by a shared friend. The fact that it is the girl he dated before me also feels weird. He got engaged almost exactly a year after I moved out. It just makes me feel like the eight years were really all false.
I have learned that it was NOT the right relationship for me. I am VERY much happier with MM. But I had all good intentions and I just feel like X didn't. All his "complaints" were there from day 1 but he hadn't wanted to leave b/c he felt bad leaving when I got sick and then later felt like he didn't want to break up and knew I didn't want to more w/o it being official so he proposed. Going back to the girl before me (who fit may things I didn't) just makes it feel more like he DID know it wasn't right and never really liked me for me. I'll avoid going too much further on those thoughts in public, even without names. I can admit that X was right on paper and wrong in practice. And, in some ways, he'd say the same thing. But I just feel like I didn't see it while he did....like he knew I wasn't the right one but didn't act on it till too late. It feels like a lot of false-ness.
Which is emotionally hard. I do NOT want to go back. I totally LOVE my current guy and he loves me, for who I am. This is NOT about him at all and I hope he "gets" that this mess in my head is NOT about that. It is about processing my past. And I know I'm not being totally fair to X. Of course, this is all from my viewpoint. I am the one who "defriended" on FB. I really found it unhealthy to see each other's daily updates and think that was a normal decision, not one that justifies a lack of courtesy. And he probably did have better intentions in our life together than my head says right now. But it is what's been in my head.
Anyway...
Let's list some GOOD things:
- I DID get to fulfill a goal this week. Thanks to a friend who had to stop doing it, I am writing a couple blog posts a week for an attorney via a legal blogger service. It isn't fancy and it is all ghost-writing but I can officially say I got paid to write. Not much money, but I'm excited anyway.
- I got "sheet suspenders" with a bit of doubt. I had flannel sheets that I loved for cold weather. MM's mattress is the right size but is extra-thick. It really needs sheets made for that, esp with two regular sleepers...he had been okay with regular Queen sheets alone but the corners popped off all the time (I'm a flipper when I am getting to sleep and I kick when I'm sleeping so I'm a challenge). The suspenders work great though. The sheets stay on fine and I love getting in a warmer bed and not the chill of regular sheets as it gets cold.
- I made dinner last night. This is always impressive. I had to add some extra V8 juice to the sauce (it is the base) and that cut back a lot on the flavor in my Mexican Chicken, but it still turned out well. I also tried roasted chickpeas...I wasn't a fan but MM liked them a lot so that made me happy.
- We're getting some sunny and warm-for-November weather. Always a plus for me since I'm def not a fan of the cold.
- My three month follow-up is next week. I do still have more pain than I'd imagined at this point, but I also do feel like I am seeing progress. I am hopeful for good news when they see my x-rays....go bone growth, go!!
- My eye doc (still VERY near-sighted but no changes and healthy eyes even if they suck) told me that near-sighted folks have IQs than regular or far-sighted folks. My guess is that we needed to have smarts to survive THIS blind. She wondered if it was b/c we read more since it was all we could see but also noted it could have some random genetic tie.
- MM rocks. I am so lucky to have him. Thank you for everything MM. You make me feel so valued and loved and I just think you are awesome and I am proud to be able to call you my guy.
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