grief...

I confess...I appear to be grieving.

I've been thinking a lot about how I've reacted to my current hip injury. It's by far the most painful and long-lasting injury I've had. In this reflection, I realized I've been hitting all the "traditional" stages on grief. Not necessarily in order, but they've all been there...

• Denial - Heck, yeah. I said for many weeks that my left glute hurt a bit but totally ignored it. Then it became more of a hip issue. And I ignored it and said I was just sore. I am very good at denial. It still comes back sometimes but is mostly in the past....it's hard to deny when the pain is this constant and severe.
• Anger - This one comes in phases. I'm mad at myself for the injury. I'm mad at my body for its seeming desire to hit every possible injury in the book and for just constantly being a battleground for me (that may be its own post one day...my body is both the aggressor and the target in battle). Recently, I was FURIOUS...a stage I really rarely reach...at the lack of response from my doctor. And I'm definitely a "Why me"-er....especially with the constant onslaught of physical maladies.
• Bargaining - I hit this one early on. I promised myself I'd let up on my gym routine in December and in return decided the injury would go away but the new year. Yeah, that didn't happen. It got worse. But I kept bargaining..I'd rest all week it I could then do my weekend routine. Yeah, that no longer works either. There's not much left to bargain with since I pretty well side-lined from things that involve standing. Or sitting. Or anything but lying still in a well-designed position, preferably asleep.
• Depression - It's on and off. And it is totally better than it would have been before I started on medicine to help steady my moods. But I do get really sad. I've been there a lot in the past week or so. I'm sleeping a LOT and I think that's partly because of the lack of exercise but I'm sure depression is a factor.
• Acceptance - Well, maybe soon. We're moving forward. I think reaching acceptance requires resolution...or even a formal decree that none exists. I have an appointment with a new specialist tomorrow and I will get things moving for physical therapy as soon as the prescription is in place from my doc (umm, WHY isn't that done...back to anger...). Hopefully these moves will lead to answers and solutions (beyond pain medicine that really doesn't mask the pain, just makes me care less about it). And hopefully answers and solutions are the gateway to acceptance.

etc. (again)

I confess...that I have ideas of things to write full posts on but am lacking the drive to write them. So, you get random thoughts

• The world would be nicer, for both the able- and not-so-able-bodied, if all escalator riders followed the "walk left, stand right" rule.
• I never would have expected I'd be excited for temperatures in the 40s. It's all relative..
• A watched phone (apparently) does not ring. And apparently one still needs to tell a pager what your phone number is, even in the age of caller ID.
• My clothes are tight and this makes me sad. It has not stopped my overeating spree though.
• I have watched more curling than I would have ever imagined I'd see in a lifetime. And that's probably only a total of an hour.
• I feel like Santa and the M&Ms. I do exist: http://www.dsm5.org/ProposedRevisions/Pages/proposedrevision.aspx?rid=372. Well, I am proposed to exist.
• I have come to enjoy Project Runway which I find very unexpected. I like watching the challenge more than the runway though. I watched the first couple seasons of The Apprentice and always preferred watching the task. Boy preferred the boardroom.
• I get to leave at five today instead of six. Bring on the Friday red wine.
• Amy Bishop seems pretty darn crazy but I'm wondering if we'll start blaming all of our unsolved crimes on her soon.
• MRI machines are loud. And shouldn't be all white inside. It hurt my eyes. So I closed them.
• I was changing into my PJs the other night, as I do pretty much the moment I get home. It was 6:30. Bed was there. Bed seemed much nicer than Not Bed. Then it was 7:20.

framing the debate, abortion cooties, and fake pro-choicers

I confess...this one's political. A friend and I have been exchanging emails. She's applying for a job at NARAL-MA and I was a board member for a while in GA so wanted to share some thoughts. They've been rattling in my head and thus I am sharing them with you.

Mainly, I'm thinking about how the debate is both the same nationwide and very different by region. In all regions, I think a "Prevention First" message is always important. No one wants abortions...we want women to have the right to choose one if necessary, but we'd all rather use education to help prevent unwanted pregnancies from the start. And, no matter where you are, I think language-framing is key. It's hard to argue against the phrase "pro-life" and I truly and deeply believe that being pro-choice is a life affirming view. Taking control of the labels, using the phrase "anti-abortion" or (even better) "anti-choice" puts the language on our side.

But there are notable differences between Georgia and Massachusetts. In Georgia, a lot of the political side was a fight against what we called "abortion cooties." Plenty of political figures were pro-choice, but many (especially outside Atlanta) feared being very public about it. I think we almost have the opposite issue in MA. "Pro-choice" is a much more popular tag. Which leaves us having to distinguish between those who are pro-choice in name and those who are pro-choice in action...a Scott Brown pro-choice vs. a Martha Coakley pro-choice.

The structure of NARAL-MA and GA are also very different but that's not nearly as interesting to think about. Well, at least for me.

february

I confess...I so get it now.

Dar Williams signs a song called February. I always enjoyed it, but living in New England has truly made me understand and appreciate it. There's a special cruelness to February. It has been cold for so long. And it will be cold for so long. It can certainly snow in April and there aren't even promises for May...a couple years ago we left town for a trip in late May and it was below freezing when we hopped into our cab (w/o big coats since we were heading south).

Anyone who knows me well knows I don't do well with cold. I never did. Even as a young kid, I'd do my homework sitting on the couch with a blanket draped over me. And I was as cold with 30+ more pounds of "insulation" than I have now. I don't warm up well, especially my feet and hands. think I may be reptilian.

So, I'm trying to look for the good in February...because 28 days is too many to hide from. I've decided that winter weather in Boston is a great equalizer. There is the occasional woman I pass who could be in a store window, but most of use are bundled up in whatever layers are warmest with limited regard for aesthetic effect. The hats squish the hairdos because you'd be nuts to go without. I think this is even truer in Boston than some other cold spots because it remains a very public transit and walking oriented city. For those of us downtown, getting to work often involves a bit of a walk...often through rough wind tunnels. One could survive a dash from the car to the door in less, but the T to the office requires bundling. So, I don't notice who on the train has the latest fashion, the neatest manicure, or even the most fit body...it's all hidden away.

And part of me likes that. We are all the same under fifty layers of fleece!