the little things

I confess that....it is really the small little things that I find bring me more pleasure than any sort of big event.

Some examples:

• Blankets. There is very little that comes close to the comfort a warm blanket can bring on a cold day/night. Even nicer, the fact that my husband will pile as many on me as I ask for each night to be sure I'm kept warm.
• Chocolate. A few times, I've seen stories on extending life through intense calorie deprivation. Honestly, I'll sacrifice a few years. Life with no chocolate wouldn't be nearly as enjoyable. There's something so wonderful in that moment of indulgence.
• Red wine. See chocolate. I think there's also a mental element...red wine signals to my mind that it is the weekend and I can relax and enjoy.
• Endorphins. I don't "like" working out, but I'm definitely an endorphin junkie. There are a lot of things are bodies do that baffle me (why does evolution letting healing cuts itch so you scratch them open again?). But endorphins make sense. Do good for your body and you get to feel good too.
• Email. I'm just not a phone person (which is ironic given my job). I express myself much better in writing than on the phone and more comfortably. I'd have "lost" may more people without email. It even helps maintain connection with the Boy during the day since I don't have to worry about interrupting a good thought train.
• PJs. I put them on as soon as I get home on weeknights and sometimes if I'm home for more than an hour or two on weekends. Another mental symbol to relax. And they are just so darn comfy!
• Grover. He sits on the rocking chair. And makes me smile. How can Grover not make you smile? He so beats out this Elmo kid that I really don't think was even around 25+ years ago.
• Good books. When time allows, I love to read a good novel before bed. I love when I feel a connection with the characters. I get to meet new people. And I can put them away when I'm done with them only only see them again if I choose :P
• Good hair days. No explanation needed. Especially for anyone else with hair that has its own personality (and, on frizzy days, its own zip code!).

i see you....or me....

I confess that....I notice what people eat.

I watch the guy on the platform down two huge bear claws in five minutes. I notice the lady order extra cheese and mayo on her sandwich (adding more mayo to tuna is a bit much...even if you like it!). I notice the woman who only gets the side salad and doesn't finish it.

I try really hard not to judge. Maybe this is the only treat this person has had in weeks. Maybe her stomach hurts or she already ate. But I confess to snap judgments that I can't quite put away. "Yeah, buddy, those two bear claws are great for your 300 pound frame." And I really hate the part of me that says that. I try and quiet her down and make her go away. But I can't.

The reality is, I think she's usually talking to/about me. Most who bother to read this know I've had my struggles with food. And they've been acting up again lately something fierce. I think the judgments I put on others are an extension of the ones I put on myself. I'm so very used to putting myself down, that it is hard to stop that habit when it comes to other people.

Then again, I "retreat" from the judgments with others...but never with myself.

I've told so many people, especially women friends, that they need to treat themselves at least as well as they'd treat a friend. Probably better. But I don't live those words well.

This isn't where I expected this ramble to go.

I want to stop judging others. And I know I need to be better in judging myself.

Chicken or egg???

And where's the line? We do need to watch others and ourselves. And there's a healthy level of judging. We learn by seeing what other people do and evaluating the results. And we need to keep some level of self-responsibility and I think that requires at least some form of judgment. In college, I gained a lot of weight because I didn't think twice about what I ate and I rarely moved a muscle. I didn't judge myself at all...and my physical health suffered (and would have more as I aged). That isn't the "right" place to be either.

As with so much, clearly the answer is balance. And it seems like a lot of people have that knowledge magically....they just go and walk the line without a thought. I don't. But I don't think the answer is to be resigned to that. Maybe it is just walking really really slow some days (some weeks/months/years) until I find my way.

habit, or more?

I confess that....I have some degree of OCD.

I don't wash my hands all the time or need to check the stove, but I need certain things "just so." If they aren't, I feel off-kilter and get thrown off. Here are some examples:

• I stand in the same spot to catch the train. I can be "off" by a few inches but more than that and I'll glare at whomever is in MY space. Don't they know! I get priority, I'm there every day! I think it is normal to have a general habit of getting on in a given area, but I think I take that farther.
• I must leave the apartment for work at a specific time. This is WAY before I really need to leave in order to catch my shuttle. I tell myself that. I remind myself I'll be waiting and often cold. But I still go. And then get annoyed waiting.
• I check my alarm's time every night...even though I never change the time on the "alarm 1" setting. I also check the volume. And that it is on a station, not in between. Which is especially odd since I generally have it on "buzzer" not "radio."
• I need the Windows bar with my open items to be in the right order. Most importantly, Outlook MUST be first. If I accidentally close it, I need to close everything else and then reopen them in the proper order. The other day, it got messed up ten minutes before I was going to leave. I still "had" to fix it.
• I review my morning websites in a specific order. I've accidentally pulled up a site that's later in the series. I close it and go back to it later. At its proper time.
• When I can (i.e. at home/work vs. movies), I line up my M&Ms (usually PB flavor) by color. I eat them to "even them out" and get to the same amount of each colors. Then I eat "across" so it stays even. This is more fair to the M&Ms. I'll also put the bigger ones at the "top" of their rows. They get saved for last b/c they are the yummiest.

I know I don't have real OCD. And that it isn't even comparable. But I think a lot about my need for routine. I think it is about control. Maybe because I lacked a lot of control over my world as a kid (more than normal). Or because I feel like there are so many elements in my life that are out of my hands so I want to take power of those that are.

It would be nice though if it manifested in more useful ways. My apartment would look neater at least!