I confess...I don't "do" resolutions. I've grumbled on that before and feel no need to elaborate, This isn't a true resolution, but it is a goal. It is a goal I'd love to meet in 2013 but that might take a bit longer. So, what is this goal (or maybe "hope" is a better word)?
Initially I had a long-winded ramble here about the past month and a half, but it isn't necessary. In truth, it has been a stretch of "busy for me" weeks that might seem normal to someone else. Some of the days might even qualify as simple, with the major tasks being a trip to the store and a couple hours of cookie baking. I've lived a normal life, but not the life I'm currently able to lead. And I'm hurting. More than the normal hurting. It is abundantly clear that I cannot live that life. My life, for now, means spending most days in bed, conserving energy in order to have a decent dinner date with MM, and saying no to trips I'd like to (and should) make.
I've come to realize that the entire experience has one underlying theme (NB: I struggled b/w theme and mantra) -- My body takes the lead.
When I consider an invitation, I start by considering my body and whether it could handle the plan. This doesn't reject ALL plans that it can't handle, but those have to have a strong reason like a wedding or a serious health incident. Even then, my body influences how I go about the event, planning rest and medication schedules. I also need to plan a rest period (even beyond my normal rest mode) after the event ends -- it's typically a one-to-one ratio with one total rest day for each day I lived a semi-normal life.
My goal? For my body to follow, to support, to permit. I aspire to one day let my mind, my soul, my spirit, my true "Me" take the lead. I hope to be me-driven, not body-driven. It'll take time, probably another round of surgery followed by both TLC (a challenge in itself) and a lot of work. But I WILL get there.