Thursday, January 13, 2011

another endo post...living with a hidden shadow

I confess...my body seems not to have accepted the New Year's Resolution that I decided it would be making for 2011.  I've actually been giving it a few bonus rest days in a row.  It has been years since I took more than a day off in a row unless I've had a fever and I think my legs really needed it.  So, I'm being nice to my body.  That wasn't a resolution but it IS a good thing to show my body respect not only by exercising but ALSO by resting (in part for the back...which is still a problem but not the point today).  But it isn't returning the favor.  The endo pain is fierce today.  It hasn't been too bad for the past two weeks, but it is roaring today.

I still maintain that if this was an equal opportunity health issue, one that hit men too, they'd have made greater strides with it.  It impacts so many women.  Many in silence.  There are women like me whose lives are in the shadow of pain that can return at any moment and steals so much life, vitality, and joy.  There are other women who don't know it's there till they have trouble with fertility (not likely to be an issue for me).  If you start talking about it, you realize how widespread it is. 

I talk about it because others don't.  Because it took so long to admit there was something wrong.  Because I didn't even really know that it wasn't normal.  It took a time in which I was curled up daily and even passed out at work.  They had a guess fairly early on when I spoke up but it did take time to get the official diagnosis because they try other things first since it is a surgical diagnosis.  They try to manage it for me.  And they do.  I'm not where I was when I was diagnosed...it isn't actively awful every day...but I still live with it in hiding.  The doctor I appreciated the most is the one who said he might never make me pain-free.  It isn't a verdict that I like, but I appreciate the honesty.

There ARE people working on it.  I hope there will be more.  So many women (and the men and women in their lives) are impacted by it and waiting for help.  We need a ribbon or a walk or something.  I know it isn't fatal.  I know there are lots of other conditions out there that merit attention.  I know it could be worse.  I guess I just need to think they can find a fix someday.  I need to admit it isn't there now...so that I shape my life with the knowledge that it is with me...but I need the hope that someday it will be gone.

1 comment:

Freckles said...

When I was first diagnosed in my very early 20's I had to explain to almost everyone what it was. Now I when I tell people 1 out of 2 people seem to know what it is.

It is like a shadow, it is always there. Sometimes you don't see it but you know it is part of you.