dark cloak vs rain

I confess...this isn't going to be a long post, I just don't have much in me, but I want to "talk" about depression.

I think people too easily confusion being depressed with being unhappy.  This distinction was on my mind today since I had a follow-up appointment with my general practitioner.  I'd gone off my antidepressant at the start of the year, a process that was pretty excrutiating.  As I dealt with the withdrawal, I cursed the idea of antidepressants. 

But then, I got depressed.  I felt this big dark cloak over me.  I was Eeyore with the gray rain cloud obscuring everything.  I simply felt dark and couldn't imagine any light.  Nothing made me smile.  I sucked it up and went back to the doctor.  I started on a new medicine and had a follow-up today after about six weeks.  The difference is night-and-day.  The medicine banished the black cloak.  I've realized that true depression can be akin to diabetes.  A diabetic needs insulin, I might need an antidepressant.

Of course, I've been pretty vocal about the fact that I'm in a LOT of pain.  Obviously, this doesn't make for a happy Rambler.  I am angry, I am tired, I am frustrated, I am prone to tears.  But, still, it is a compeltely different feeling that the depression.  No one would be chipper if they went from active and walking six miles a day to bed-ridden and struggling to even sit upright for more than a few minutes.

Lesson/Point -- Depression is a medical illness and should be treated as such.  Someone who is depressed cannot be expected to just "snap out of it" and depression is not a reflection on the overall state of a person's life.  You can have it all and still be depressed.  And you can have your depression under control and still be struggling emotionally.  Make sure your treatment matches your condition.  I'm treating the depression with medicine and I am working on my current emotional state by trying to get answers on the pain since that's the culprit...THE PAIN is the problem now and that's what I need help with, not my mood.

Endo Month Week Four -- Coping

I confess....it feels a bit weird to tackle this week's topic for Endo Awareness month.  The topic is coping strategies.  While it is my back issues, not my endo, that's the culprit right now, I'm not coping well.  I went out with the MM for a bit today and tried to put on my "people face" but within a short time I was ready to be back in bed.  I'm pinning a lot of hopes on the pain specialist appointment.

Anyway, I do have thoughts on coping with endo.  There's no cure for endo but using hormonal birth control can help.  I'll refrain from going off too far on a tangent about the debates about covering birth control pills, but, for me, the pill is essential to making it possible to live with endo.  I take the pill continuosly, tossing the week of placebo pills that a normal user would take the fourth week at which point a woman would get her period (side note: a period on the pill is totally different from a "real" period...it isn't any more natural to have a pill-induced period than to skip it).  Some pills are now marketed to help women avoid their periods as a lifestyle choice but I use a standard pill and just go through a pack in three weeks instead of four.  This keeps my body in a steadier state.   If I miss even one day, I get a severe uptick in pain.  Getting the prescription written right is important for getting insurance to cover the quicker rate of use.

A few other things that help when the pain ticks up:

• Heating pads -- I've got one that is microwavable and has a belt attached which is handy.
• Pain patches -- I don't like the bulk of Thermacare patches but actually have used BenGay-like patches in the pelvic region.  Honestly, I think they just serve as a bit of a distraction...it is a feeling other than the pain.
• The fetal position -- Curling up seems to provide actual relief in addition to being a bit emotionally/mentally comforting.
• Breathing exercises -- I think some degree of instinct led me to use Lamaze-like breathing exercises.  I don't have formal training in it so it's kind of a tv version of labor breathing but it actually provides some relief.  I think it is also distracting.
• Medicine -- OTC stuff does nothing for me, but sometimes I've needed strong pain pills in order to get through a bad spell.
• Endo sisters -- Having connections with other women on the same journey is extremely helpful.  The internet is definitely a great resource in finding "sisters" who truly understand what it is like to battle this disease.

Good personal support is also invaluable.  Too many women with endo find people question their pain.  Having a support team of folks who truly care is a true blessing.  It can be frustrating to see a loved one in pain and I think that's particularly true for men who just want to help a wife or girlfriend.  If you are an endo warrior's partner, please know that just being there, loving us and supporting us makes a HUGE difference.  We don't expect you to be able to take the pain away, but it means the world to just know you want to.

EDITING TO ADD a teddy bear -- Maybe it's silly, but sometimes having something to squeeze always helps me when I'm in pain.  I even brought my teddy bear with me to my back surgery and gave major props to the nurse who ensured he was on my bed when I woke up in recovery.
 

An Airplane Read: The Secret Life of Cee Cee Wilkes (Chamberlain)

I confess....I did not take it well when the only suggestion the doctor made was "try ice."  I've gone from walking six miles a day to being all but bed-ridden.  I need more constructive help that ice.

Anyway....this book is the monthly book club pick over at Julie's website, Peanut Butter Fingers (insert little trademark symbol here, congrats Julie!).  It would be a weird fit with my next book and I'm not sure I'll finish that in time so it gets its own review post.

• The Secret Life of Cee Cee Wilkes by Diane Chamberlain

I read a few reviews that told too much of this story and I want to avoid that so I'm going to try to only tell stuff you learn in the early going.  Cee Cee is a sixteen year old girl who is living on her own after losing her mom at age eleven and being moved out of foster care since she graduated high school early.  She is vulnerable and in need of love so she falls for a sweet-talking guy who ultimately convinces her to assist him in kidnapping the governor's wife, a move he suggests will save his sister who is on death row.  The plan goes awry and Cee Cee goes into hiding where she becomes Eve.  From the preview-style present day prologue, the reader knows her adult daughter learns her mother has held secrets when Eve steps forward nearly thirty years later after her former boyfriend is accused of murder.

I sat at a three and a half stars through most of this book.  It held my attention and was an enjoyable read but I wasn't overly wrapped up in it....I didn't look forward to reading it each night but I wasn't anxious for it to be over either.  Most of the book focuses on Eve as she builds a life with her past a secret to everyone.  Eve interested me and she showed a lot of growth from the teenager she'd been.  The last third focused on her daughter and that's where the book dropped off for me.  I didn't like Corrine, which isn't always a deal-breaker for me but became one since she simply didn't ring true to me.  I didn't believe in her phobias, her falling out with her family (evident from the preview so not a spoiler), or her relationship with her boyfriend.  It took the book down to three stars.

This might be a decent airplane book....it passed the time and held my interest but didn't command my full, undivided attention and I'd have no problem putting it away if the plane landed mid-chapter.