Confessions from a Rambling Mind

love means being accepted for who you are....and wanting to make that person better for your loved one

2012-02-14T09:15:00.001-05:00

I confess...I get corny a decent amount on here. And this may veer into that territory, but I hope it contains some essential truth about love generally. I believe that celebrating love means including not only romantic partners but also friends, family, and four-legged friends (or two if you have a pet penguin...and if you do, can I come over????).

As I recently wrote, I had Dar-inspired revelation about love during my recent 3 hour trek for a doctor's appointment. Her lyric, "I don't know what you saw, I want somebody who sees me" is a wonderful summary of what I've learned in the past fourteen months. I spent eight years in a relationship with someone who saw what he wanted me to be, not what I was/am. And I did a bit of the same, assuming I should be in love with someone so perfect on paper. In the show Wonderfalls (shared by perhaps my oldest, in time known, friend when I was recovering....I need to finish it sometime!), there's a character who is asked if her spouse is the man of her dreams and she says "He's the man of my list." That felt familiar to me. And I've realized that I was never fully happy because I never felt like I was "enough" for my partner. He wanted someone who liked football, would debate a small point for hours, enjoyed cocktail parties with intellectual folks. I was never that. I never pretended I was, but maybe he pretended I might be.

And then I met MM. I remember telling him all my "warts"...the endo, the back, the eating disorder, the bad marriage, the haunting of bullies from childhood who still live in my head...and telling him he needed to be honest and tell me if it was all too much. After each addition, he simply said "Not scared yet." I didn't know if he really meant it, if he even KNEW what it all meant, but he's proven he did. He's sat by a recovery bed for hours so I wouldn't be alone, he's listened when I felt racked by guilt after a binge (without ever saying "just don't do it"....fyi, NOT helpful to say!), and he's sat through a lot of tears in recent weeks. He sees me and, for reasons I can't always understand, loves me. Despite/Because of all of it. He'd support anything I did but doesn't ask me to be anyone else.

And yet. He makes me want to be better. I feel like he DESERVES the best possible me, precisely because he'd never ask for it. I've cooked more in the year we've lived together than in all my life prior. I'll never be in love with cooking, but I WANT to (at least once a month or so!) prepare him a nice meal when he comes home from a long day at work.

And I want to take care of me. I've not been right lately. I have zero energy. I'm not sleeping well. I am overeating and putting on some unwelcome pounds. I can't get through my famous 6-7 mile walks....which tells a lot to people who know me since I stubbornly charge through them even when I feel ill. I've been weepy too but I don't know if the blues are leading or following....if I feel crappy b/c of mental struggles or if I feel blue b/c I feel like crap. I want to hide (and eat). But, MM deserves better. So I'm off to the doctor to be very very honest and get his thoughts. After the Lexapro mess, I'm a bit scared to try medicine again, but maybe that's what I need. I do believe depression can be like diabetes...you need the "insulin" to be normal. I'm hoping there's another answer but I'm prepared if that's what I hear. And I'll do it...I'll ask about withdrawal issues first, but I'll do it. Because I need to take care of MM's girl. Most of us struggle with taking care of ourselves but maybe re-framing can help -- I'll take care of myself b/c MM deserves the best possible me.

Beyond that all, it may be a total greeting-card-industry creation (at least in its size and manifestation), but it doesn't hurt to remind people to express love. Happy Heart Day to my friends, family, and readers. I don't really know how many people truly visit me here but I appreciate you "hearing" me and sharing in my journeys.

a long short month

2012-02-12T15:56:00.001-05:00

I confess....I'm still struggling.

I feel just beat down and worn out. Part of this is the fact that most nights I seem to only get a couple hours sleep (even if I take Ambien....two might get me to four or five hours). And part is just February. I remember gaining a new appreciation for Dar's "February" song in the Boston days but I think I felt the "February was so long that it lasted into March" line. I'd say February is way crueler than April (English major style reference)....it has been cold "forever" and Spring still feels a long way off. It really has been a mild winter, but it still gets long and this weekend is bitter cold.

I haven't been at ALL motivated to do my workouts which is really odd. That may be largely physical...the lack of sleep and an added neck issue...but part is definitely mental. I've just felt like I'm slogging through it. I've split it up a few times but even then can't get my six miles done some days. I am hoping the motivation comes back soon!

Any advice on getting through a "long" February?

In other news, I was very excited about one job. It would have been an awesome heart-friendly job with a cool organization and I really think it would have been a great use of my skills. It was, however, open b/c the incumbent was moving and she suddenly had a change of plans. Clearly, they should hire me anyway! It's a non-profit though so they don't really have the ability to add staff w/o a real vacancy.

I did stop in at a job fair today. I'd asked permission since it was really for military members but got the okay to attend as a part of a military guy's cheering section....I wore my "dogtag" even if it was tucked away (it labels me as "Private Property"....no, I am not property....yes, I still love the necklace). I gave out a number of resumes and hope to hear some rumbles next week from it. I do think it helps for me to be "seen" in some ways, even if it is a bit nerve-wracking. I have not resorted to pulling the J.D. and attorney work from the resume but I know people worry I'll have a bit of a work ego and being able to talk to people helps with that (one employer specifically noted she didn't see me having any ego about doing entry-level or support work). I've thought about pulling the legal stuff from more basic applications for non-career stuff (like cashier-dom....which I'd totally do)....thoughts?? I do have the law blogging and paper as current stuff and four years in recruiting but it'd still be a 7 year gap from the end of college to the start of work w/o the attorney work and schooling.

The belly issues of January are still lurking but much better, thankfully. I did have some awful days with arm trouble....the creepy-crawlies can drive you insane after a few days non-stop and makes you truly feel like you want to cut the arm off! My PT suspects it is a neck issue and has me doing a chicken-head-bop-type move to help work on it. It is def better than the first days but not "there" yet. I have this heating pad for the endo that has straps and I've worn it like a beauty-queen sash more than a couple times. It works well since it stays put but it smells like popcorn which still makes me think of the summer of 1996 when I spent break working concessions at the local theater.

The Anti-Bad Review: Stuff the Rambler Loves

2012-02-10T10:05:00.001-05:00

I confess...I want to counteract my negative review (didn't share the link on FB, only posted b/c it was an advance copy so I'd agreed to review it). So, let's do things The Rambler is loving:

Hoffbrau & Mama Lucruezia -- The Hoff has awesome pizza (not that I had it last night or anything....lol....), even if they don't have a website and don't deliver. Mama L is the best delivery pizza and has flippin' awesome pierogies (non-fried but not exactly healthy given the amount of garlic butter).
The Middle -- Best show no one's watching. Total heart. The family feels incredibly real with bickering and spats but they always have each other's back in the end (i.e. the teen boy stands up for his dorky sister but would never admit it). It's actually a non-cable show that a family could watch together. The actress who plays Sue says she's never recognized -- IMHO, that's the sign of truly inhabiting a role that isn't just a carbon copy of the actor (helps that she's 20 and the character is about 16).
Rest Days -- I am hoping I really just need them and haven't fallen off the wagon, but I've taken some very light w/o days of late. I am liking the fact that this meant listening to my body when it howled.
Sleep -- Do people know about this thing? Nasty bout with insomnia where I didn't get more than a couple hours Sun, Mon, Tues, or Wed. Finally slept well on Thursday and it helped SO much.
Blogs -- I read too many.
Jennifer Weiner -- I needed a "breather" after my last book. She writes reliably good "chick lit" that isn't TOO chicky. I'm a picky chick-lit reader....a lot feels too fluffy or too obsessed with shopping and boys....Weiner is a reliable pick when I need mental candy.
Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper -- What? I've mentioned that before?
Room heating options -- It helps that it has been mild, but we haven't had to refill the oil reserves thatnks to an electric fireplace in the living room and an area heater in the bedroom. They do impact the electric bill but it is still a LOT less than the oil heat would cost and it keeps it in the room we need. I was nervous (my Mom passed on some paranoias) but they are much safer than they once were.
The Centre County Gazette -- For letting me play reporter. This week's is slow to load online for me but page 9 has my little piece on the United Way Campaign End Celebration (luckily they got some good photos from someone else...mine sucked!). I get a small stipend...which carries me back to the first bullet (with a bit leftover....the good side of not delivering is not paying a delivery tip!).

I Hate Giving Bad Reviews

2012-02-09T16:22:00.000-05:00

I confess....I hate writing a negative review. But, then again, bad reviews give meaning to good ones.

The New Republic by Lionel Shriver

Like many, I came to "meet" Shriver in We Need to Talk About Kevin.   Enjoyed is an odd word for such a dark novel, but I found it very well-done. As such, I jumped on the Shriver pick when it became available as an advance read from my lovely Harper pals. I wish I hadn't.

This is a novel about reporting, terrorism, and truth. Edgar Kellogg is a former lawyer (one would think this would attract me, a fellow ex-attorney) who is making a move to journalism (hey, I write too...I should love this). He lacks the journalistic credentials so is shipped off to cover a sorta-story in Barba, a fictional region in Portugal that has potential terrorist ties.  Kellogg finds himself in the shadow of his predecessor, again feeling like an also-ran in life. He becomes steeped in the enclave of Barba hacks and more intimately involved with the purported terrorists than he ever imagined.

I truly sturggled to finish this one and it was only stubborness that propelled me. Two stars for some interesting ideas but the execution did nothing for me. I didn't like the style, wasn't compelled by the characters or plot, and just found it a difficult journey. I did not have an issue with the terrorism plot being played a bit humorously, I just didn't think it was well done.

P.S.  Still a bit offended by the guy who peaked in prep school saying: "So I tossed it. I didn't apply to Yale or Harvard, but Haverford."

some random political ponderings

2012-02-07T18:30:00.000-05:00

I confess....I'm gonna get political up in here...

I'm thrilled that California courts stood up for marriage equality. This it truly an issue where I just don't get the opposition. If your religion prevents gay marriage, don't get one....and no one will even make your church perform one. Marriage is a legal status that should be open to consenting adults regardless of gender.
What would the groups saying religious employers shouldn't have to cover the pill say about me? Okay, the "no baby" part helps and all, but I take it to STAY UPRIGHT. Without the pill, I cannot function. I haven't heard whether the anti-pill folks care about this...
I will likely vote for Obama. I can't decide if I'd prefer an easier opponent to beat or prefer someone I'd rather see in office if Obama loses. In 2000, I voted for McCain in the primary....I didn't have the time to caucus, VA had an open Republican primary, and I preferred him to Bush.
Moon colony? Really?!?
PACs are scary.
I have said this before (heck, I've said all this before), but I wish we could require a certain proportion of campaign money be matched with charitable funds. Or money towards the national debt. If you can spend on glorified advertising, you can spend on something helpful too. Yes, that is a value statement that political advertising is rarely helpful, at least in today's environment where there's plenty of news outlets available for true informational messaging.
I prefer Colbert to Stewart. That's more entertainment than political. Then again, I'm not sure there's a difference these days.

Really, I mostly wanted to say the first of the bullets but felt the need to make a few more to round things out (and b/c a HS teacher said to never have just one item in a list).

the binge monster

2012-02-06T09:45:00.000-05:00

I confess....I have no one to blame but me. And I realize that some people will hate me for complaining. I also know a few others who will gloat in satisfaction at seeing me unhappy with such things (yes, I know you are out there....).

I've steadily gained weight over the past four months. It is where I can see it, on my belly, my thighs, and even my cheeks. I have tried to get myself into a better pattern and simply failed. It is ALL about the food. I do my cardio and do strength work at PT. I have dropped from 7 miles to 6 but that's really FINE, even good since I may have overdone it with seven days a week at 7 miles, and I know it. I can't fix this with the 'mill.

It is all about what I eat. This is a challenge for everyone, I know. With my Binge Eating history, it has a special level of challenge for me. I can't seem to balance between "good" and "not" and I've felt like throwing in the towel of late. I hit a really bad place last night....I intelligently got on the scale after overdoing it and saw numbers that made me want to curl up and die. Yes, that's dramatic. But it is also very very honest. I started shaking. I cried. I wrote to a friend with similar battles.

The scale was NOT as bad this AM but still over 5lbs more than it was in November and a dozen pounds more than where I feel my best. I'd write the numbers...I don't mind doing so....but I feel like someone might take offense at them or decide they aren't worthy of me feeling so upset (haters, judgers, you win on that one).

It is NOT muscle. Honestly, I think women don't gain nearly as much muscle poundage as we'd like to think (though muscles CAN hoard water and that CAN cause a scale spike).

I don't want to leave the house. Perhaps it is good that I have to.....first for PT and then for my little reporting gig. PT will be practice for putting on a happy face and looking normal. And luckily the camera I'm bringing to the event will not need to be trained on the rambling reporter.

Honestly....I am just not okay right now. And it is really hard to explain it all. I understand that ninety percent of people have had "bad body" days but I also know my mental monkeys (to use a word borrowed from another blogger) make it harder for me to overcome.

I also know that only I can take the actions to feel better....which sound so easy but is so hard. It is NOT that I want to hold on to the tears. But I wonder if part of me is holding on to the identification as disordered? Which sound sick and horrid but sorta fits with BED being a cousin of other EDs. Most people (NOT all) now get that you can't just tell an anorexic to eat and I don't feel like I can just tell myself to STOP OVEReating.

I want to crawl up and hide. I am not, and part of that is because I KNOW I am not the only one. I want one person to read this on the right day and to feel less alone.

seeing me -- the wisdom of Dar

2012-02-03T15:46:00.000-05:00

I confess....I think we hear the lyrics that speak to where we are.

I've long enjoyed Dar Williams and "As Cool As I Am" has always been a favorite. I called it the "little sister song" because I thought it had the kind of message that women should share with younger women. Generally, I've heard the message about fellowship among women and not allowing a romantic partner to come in between those bonds.

When I was travelling this week, though, another couplet struck me: "I don't know what you saw / I want somebody who sees me." THIS. SO. MUCH. It is in many ways the lesson that I've learned in the past year. We deserve partners to see who we are, not who they think we should be. A partner should encourage growth and should help you push to be your best you, but they also should love who you are and meet you at that place.

I won't say that I've been perfect at being the see-er either. I needed to learn that it isn't about "the list"...that set concept of who we are meant to be with...it is about the person. It is about being proud of who they are inside, not their resume (although that IS part of someone, it is NOT all of them...or even most...). I wasn't appreciated for me in my past....I was looked at as a failure to be someone else, someone I could have been on paper but never was (nor wanted to be). Again, I was not flawless myself here and I own that.

But finding someone who "sees me" and loves me, "warts and all", has been crucial to growing to accept myself as well. And being able to "see them" and being PROUD to be part of another person's world...makes ME and WE pretty darn cool.

not-quite-six month check-up

2012-02-01T17:10:00.000-05:00

I confess....I had a lovely spike in views today after Julie included my review in her The Night Circus book club post. Thanks, Julie!

But this is really a medical post. I had an early version of a six-month follow-up from my surgery today. If you are a new reader, I had an anterior lumbar spinal fusion (L5/S1) on August 8, 2011. The surgery followed two years of increasing pain that I'd first chalked up to gym soreness but eventually became much more severe.

Anyway, the goal is for the bones to fuse (hence the name "'fusion"). The doc removes the disc (mine was one of the worst he'd seen in years...and he does like 5 a week so that's a big statement) and puts in a titanium cage ($32,000!!! luckily mostly on the insurance co). Ultimately, though, it is my body that does the work and the bones need to grow over the cage to make one solid fused chunk o' vertebrea.

So, today's appointment did show bone growth (last set of images was in November). Not fully done yet, but seems to be on track. I still have pain and it can spike pretty high (esp after the health issues that took up 3/4 of January) but that seems on track too...I still hit a 7 but spend less time there. I'd worried the appointment might be cancelled b/c the doc had a family emergency but the nurse practitioner saw me. I find NPs to be AWESOME in general....I think nurses are often better at the bedside manner stuff and NPs have an extra level of medical training beyond the normal RNs. She said all looked well (and that she wouldn't get the surgeon's head swollen by telling him how good it looked!) and was encouraging in general. I've made HUGE strides in cutting the pain meds....really tough since the body becomes dependent on them even when they are for "real" reasons and not "recreational"...and hope that by the next appointment I'll be pain-pill-free.

Back in May. If all goes well, that's the last of the follow-ups and I can put this saga behind me. I totalled the bills that came in for 2011...the bigger hospital one actually only came in January ($750 co-pay, bill was about $52K)....over $5,000 in co-pays for docs, images, and labs. I'll need to get CVS to give me a printout on meds and get some documentation from X on insurance premiums since I do expect I'll be able to meet the tax deduction floor.

a disappointment (The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenedies) and a nice surprise (Make It Stay by Joan Frank)

2012-01-31T14:24:00.001-05:00

I confess....I'm harder on authors I love...

The Marriage Plot by Jeffrey Eugenedies

I was so looking forward to this. I even paid more than a few bucks to get it "early" (i.e. before there were super-cheap used ones floating around). Middlesex is among my favorite reads and The Virgin Diaries was also a strong read. I find my favorite books are from authors who don't churn out too many books and this was eagerly anticipated. Perhaps that set me up for disappointment.

There are three young people at the heart of this novel, all of whom we meet in college and follow in the year after graduation. Madeline is a lover of literature and enamoured by the idea of love. She finds herself torn between Leonard, a manic-depressive scientist, and Mitchell, a romantic seeking enlightenment and value in religion and thought. There is also a good bit of literary theory here, especially in the earlier chapters, and a hint of spirituality vs. science debates.

I'd had high hopes and was sorely disappointed by this read. I'd give it 2.5 stars and am tempted to round down though admit that the review is harsher b/c of my high hopes. I don't need to LIKE characters, but I need to CARE and I simply never did. I related at points to Madeline's English major thoughts of theory taking the joy out of reading, but that's about it. The writing was merely okay rather than captivating like in Eugenedies' prior works. Can't recommend this one.

Make It Stay by Joan Frank

I recieved this short novel as a Goodreads giveaway winner. I might have been hesitant to purchase it on my own since I shy away from shorter novels. I loved it though so I'm quite glad that the giveaway brought it to me.

This is a novel of characters and relationships. The narrator is Rachel and she and her husband, Neil, spend much of the novel sharing the story of another couple, Neil's best friend Mike and Mike's wife Tilda. We also briefly see the story of Mike and Tilda's daughter, Addie. There's a limited amount of action with the novel really being about the relationships and the ways love manifests itself.

I loved this book and happily give it 4 stars, at points I was leaning towards 4.5. I loved the writing style which reminded me of Zoe Heller's What Was She Thinking (aka Notes on a Scandal). The characters were interesting and imperfect, the love real and flawed. The writing was accessible but still lovely. This book is definitely for a reader who likes character over plot and I'd highly recommend it to such an audience.

bullet rambles....

2012-01-30T13:10:00.000-05:00

I confess....

My little corner of the Internet hit 10,000 views (not counting folks on "readers"). Pretty cool, though not such a big number given that I've been blogging since mid-2009.
I love the movie Hook. IMDB and then Wikipedia taught me the little boy became a lawyer and now a law prof at Case Western. Mean Me thinks tie was not kind to his adorable-ness. Mean Me feels guilty for saying
My Fight Like a Girl story posted last week. It is largely about the endo journey w/ a bit of the back thrown in.
I have a doc appt on Wednesday. Cheer my bones on!! Hopefully I am fusing well.
PT was tough today and I'm not sure why. Nothing new on the plate, just struggled through it all. I have more walking to do but feel lazy.
I've been eating horribly lately. And it shows on the scale and in my jeans. I'm not motivated to improve though...
I'll post two book reviews soon, one I was sorely disappointed in and another that was a really nice surprise (a giveaway win).
Still loving Once Upon a Time but not a fan of the storyline in this week's coming attraction. I do like getting more backstory involving the Evil Queen though....she is wonderfully acted and just superbly icy.

politics schmolitics

2012-01-27T16:02:00.000-05:00

I confess...it is hard for me to define, and hard for me to evaluate, my political involvement these days...

I certainly learned liberal views in my youth. I had an extra level of attention to women's matters....the teacher required a permission slip for me to do my chose ninth grade term paper topic of female circumcision in The Color Purple. I sat very far from the top-down management boy in my AP US History group (LOVED "opposites" day....he had to be all for the little folks and turned colors as he tried to do so, I just really had fun being the dictator)

I think getting active in college had a lot to do with proximity to start. A few folks in my building were going to the Haverford Activits Collective meeting and I tagged along. My roommate EH headed up a fight against Internet censorship that had us making a million little blue ribbons in our living room. Later that year, reading period fell on 12/13 and we went to DC....my 18th birthday, in DC was darn cool.   I'm not sure that many of our meetings had been well-researched on their sides. Saw Santorum, then junior senator for PA, and recall his folks solving the homelessness problems by having churches take people in. I asked who his church had assigned to his home but didn't get a reply. We had a photo op with Dole who is smiling amid seven liberal Democrats and three communists.

I did the requisite campaign work in college too. In the first go on a House campaign, our candidate lost by about 80 votes. In a U.S. House race, that's well below a percentage point. It hammered home the reality that voting does matter (and the first time I voted, I'd "met" everyone I voted for...counting working for a Clinton rally as a meet). The next time, I was still only a volunteer but started a full year before the race when there was one staffer, me, and the same roomie from the blue ribbons. "We" won. My friend had become a staffer but I never did. Still, the original staff girl touched me when she said the three of us really made a congressman b/c it never could have gotten there without the early days of check copying and filing and such.

I believed. And have seen that "it matters"....but....

Fast forward.

I consider myself more informed than average, but I find the whole world of politics frustrating. To use a phrase I've stolen from somewhere, I'm not sure there's much "there" there. I can't stomach the debates because it feels like as much pageantry as Toddlers & Tiaras. I read the details of the State of the Union the next morning....it is much less annoying with the forty minutes of clapping. I care who I vote for (and will most likely vote for Obama again...I don't see much case in which I wouldn't), but I can't get up the excitement I used to have to work at or even attend a campaign event....especially for a national level race that feels too big and too, well, political.

I'm not sure there's a point here. I think it isn't unusual to have more spirit at 20 than at 34 for such things. It is sad. Yet, I'm not sure if it's "me" or "them" that's the issue....

withdrawal set in...bullet-point time!

2012-01-26T11:26:00.003-05:00

I confess...I'm in bullet-point withdrawal!!

After being sent home from PT on Monday, I drove to a doctor's office and made an appointment. We're treating a couple issues and I do think I'm feeling a bit better. The inventor of the effective medicine for tummy cramping is my hero. Let's hope my insurance plays nice with the appointment and tests (blood, urine, and x-rays).
I miss Zappy. I had to send the TENS back b/c it was out of network. I will look into another once the prior bullet point bills are cleared.
I believe in celebrating heroes. I know Joe Paterno did a world of good for the school, even outside the football world. I also think he truly felt like he lacked the tools to handle the allegations of abuse when they first surfaced. I can't decide how I think this impacts his legacy. I do think he should have done more but can't decide how much that should tarnish his good deeds.
I'm in love with Once Upon a Time, even though I hate the little boy and am bugged by the married David macking on Mary Margaret. I can't quite buy the story some folks are spouting that his marriage to Kathryn doesn't count since it is part of the curse's delusional nature. He THINKS he's married and he's cheating....that's enough to bother me. That said, the Evil Queen/Regina is among the most deliciously evil characters ever.
I'm sad that Parenthood seems not to be adding new episodes to On Demand. Neither is Up All Night so it may be an NBC issue. We do have an internet-to-TV line but I need to learn how to use it, especially since these are more likely to be shows I watch on my own.
MM had never had Snickerdoodles before I made them last week. Poor deprived boy!!
I go for a back follow-up next week (2/1). Root for bone growth!
I haven't done well on gaining control of my weight and dropping the vanity pounds. I'm also wondering if that's because my new set-point is higher than my "perfect" scale number. Though I've also definitely failed to "earn" any losses given that I comfort eat when sick (yes, even when nausea is an issue....it felt better w/ brownies!).
I'm not quite done and the review will come, but I'm hugely disappointed in The Marriage Plot. I don't care about the characters at all. I see Eugenedies' brilliance in flashes but it is nowhere near the level of my Middlesex love.
It has been a mild winter but I'm still cold.
I like blogs that have frequent dog pictures (puppy porn!!). Even if they all make me a little sad since it isn't going to happen with my allergies.
I buy MM random cards. I suppose it was inevitable that I got one for the second time! I've read them all in CVS and can't recall which I just read and which I bought. And, yes, he knew it was a repeat.

Suspending Disbelief and Falling In: The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

2012-01-24T10:25:00.000-05:00

I confess...I'd delayed reading this one. A dear friend recommended it but we've had really different responses to books in the past so I wasn't sure if I'd enjoy it. I also read that it had a ton of characters and I'm memory-challenged when it comes to keeping folks straight. But a fellow blogger is doing it for her "book club" and that gave me an added incentive (Hi to Julie).

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

Magic abounds in this novel. The circus is almost another character and it plays home to two young people who have been trained to take part in a very undefined form of battle. As a performer trained by her father, Celia is taught to make her magic appear to be "tricks" when in fact she truly can transform items into birds, change the color and material of her dress, and even heal her own injuries. Marco's teacher found him in an orphanage and his strength is taking his target to a magical fantasy world. The book also includes others who helped build the circus and a few of its fans.

The book seems to have pretty polarized reviews with folks either loving or hating it. In my opinion, the writing is simply stunning. It is not a fast-paced read, not a ton "happens" for much of the book, but that's okay by me although I know it isn't a fit for everyone. I was less-interested in the book's billing as a love story (another complaint among readers is that it doesn't really fit in that realm despite the book jacket's promises) and more in just falling into the circus.

For me, four stars and maybe even four and a half. You need to be fully willing to suspend disbelief and buy into the magic. You also need to be okay with more detail than plot. I will say that there ARE a lot of characters, and many do take center stage in at least one chapter, but I had no issues keeping everyone straight. Recommend to folks who just like beautiful writing and are fine with slower plots.

not that y'all didn't know that i'm a lovely writer....

2012-01-23T17:38:00.002-05:00

I confess...this is a short one.

I sent in my final column this week in my Newcomer series with our local weekly free paper. I got an email back from the editor saying she'd miss me...enough to ask if I'd occassionally cover events in my part of the County! It is just a small per piece rate but I'm excited by it. Yay for a reward for something I enjoyed doing and for another opportunity to write.

I'm still looking for a "regular" job and crossing my fingers on one position that sounds like an awesome fit for both my skills and my heart.

neighborly

2012-01-21T12:42:00.002-05:00

I confess....I just wrote my final installment for the local freebie paper. The series had a few stories of moments when I really appreciated living in the region. Hopefully, I'm not causing any copyright issues by sharing this. I presume it will be in next Friday's edition (and offered that she could delete the parenthetical in the final paragraph if desired). The piece mentions an awesome surprise this morning that totally made MM and I smile....

I'll also confess that I "lost" two followers yesterday and that I dislike being bothered by that. It may be related to some shifts in Google's blog programs. On the other hand, I am approaching TEN THOUSAND visits to my little rambly world (likely get there before the end of the month) which is pretty cool!
--

I’ve been wondering how to bring this little series to aclose. I missed last week due to illnessand also because I’ve told my biggest Bellefonte tales. Someone gave me a great concluding momenttoday (writing with hot cocoa in hand on Saturday after the snow arrived), butI’ll get there….

In the end, the reason Centre County feels like home isquite simple. It is cheesy to say buttrue nonetheless: It is the people. Thisis particularly dramatic after a four year stint in Boston where I fell on thesidewalk more than once and no one seemed to notice. I don’t think they were purposeful incontinuing to walk when I slipped, but they were plugged in to headphones andjust failed to notice. During the week Ispent in a full leg brace, people usually did offer a train seat when theynoticed. They just didn’t alwaysnotice. There are good peopleeverywhere, but there’s a level of commitment to being a community in ourregion that stands apart.

It’s really the smaller moments more than the big storiesthat make a place home. It is thefriendly chatter of the cashier and the “Get Well” wishes when I’m buying abasket full of cold remedies. It is thefellow gym patrons who welcomed me back after a four month absence with smilesand inquiries about how I was healing. Itis the chatter in the physical therapy office about recovery and everything andanything else. It is the residentslining the street back in the Fall for a football parade, dressed in teamcolors and staking a spot an hour ahead even despite a heavily losingrecord.

And, today, as winter reminds us that it does still havesome tricks up its sleeve, it is an anonymous neighbor and a driveway that wascleared while we hid under the covers with coffee and hot cocoa. Thank you, whomever you are, for thekindness. It was not necessary, but thatmakes it so much more lovely.

An additional thank you to the Gazette for letting me rambleand to you for reading my musings. Ilook forward to growing in 2012, finding a job that lets me further myconnection to the community (can I steal a moment to say “Hire Me!” to anyBellefonte or State College employer in need of a hard worker with a fondnessfor the written word?), and becoming part of what makes this region special.

status update...way over 140 characters....

2012-01-20T17:17:00.000-05:00

I confess....this is going to be a total ramble.

I've definitely been improving this week after nearly three solid weeks of physical troubles. I'm still incredibly tired but I've tried to kind of let myself submit to it. I'm typing from a warm bed because it just sounds better than the couch. That is not a healthy forever solution, but I gave myself the full week to indulge such predilections.

I go to the back doc on February 1 for an early version of a six month exam (would be "due" 2/8). Despite the struggle of the past month, I have finally noticed some small improvements. I move better. My pain still maxes out at a 7 on the beloved pain scale, but I'm not there nearly as often as I had been even as recently as Thanksgiving. I can get out of bed easier and I can even grab a dropped blanket in the night. Seriously, folks, you don't know how nice that is!!

I did talk to the PT a bit today about my continued lack of flexibility. I've NEVER been a toe-toucher and I certainly don't expect it. But I'm still getting only a bit past my knees whereas my "usual" norm was mid-to-lower calf. I know I may have sacrificed a bit of movement with the fusion, but he is hopeful we can get some improvement. He does amnual stretching for the hams each appt and suggested trying a doorway-lying stretch on my own a bit. I will not be able to get my legs up straight in a right angle but he said to just do whatever angle I can for now and relax into it.

We added a couple exercises today on the strength side and I'm already feeling them! It included stability ball crunches although I only did about eight to start. He was impressed though, as trainers have been, that I'm the exception to the "no hands behind your head" rule...I truly do just cradle my head in my intertwined hands without pulling on my neck or anything of the sort. He said he was ready to jump in and stop me until he saw the form was spot-on. He did have me try moving them just to help focus on the abs a bit since my back was feeling it a lot but said he'd generally allow me to do them "my" way since I keep it clean. I do take pride in having always had pretty darn good form in the strength arena....not sure about running, though I'm still stuck in power-walk-land for now.

What else to tell?

I'm wrapping up my little column in the local paper. One piece was about our awesome mail lady. I left it clipped to our doorside box one day, along with a note to her to check out the page. Of course, the OTHER mail person shows AND has to knock with a package. Poor MM answered and admitted it was kinda awkward. The next day, the "right" mail person caught me over at PT and said a sweet thank you, along with an odd little bow (ummm...bow like tilting of the body, not like ribbon). The editor also sent a note that another staff member was stopped by the mail lady's husband (also a mail person!!) and told to send a thanks. I'll admit, it warmed me.

STILL on the job hunt. I do enjoy my little law blog gig and I'm up to five pieces a week but that's pretty much just grocery and toiletries money so I do need another addition. I'd very much like to get a gig w/ health insurance so I can stop having to be on X's...although it has been easier not to have to change in the midst of the post-op stuff.

Reading a lot. Hiding from winter even though we've been pretty spoiled this year. Made snickerdoodles last night (poor deprived MM had never had them!!!)...we'll neglect to talk about having to go to the store twice since I got eggs, butter, and vanilla, started the mixing and such, and then had to go back for baking powder (and that's after searching for a recipe w/o cream of tartar or shortening since I like that snickerdoodle ingredients are usually very much pantry staples that will get used for other stuff).

Reviews: The Red Tent (Diamant) and Artist of the Floating World (Ishiguro)

2012-01-18T15:54:00.001-05:00

I confess...I'm not feeling creative enough for a more interesting post title.

The Red Tent by Anita Diamant

I must be nearing my tenth go through this book but I've never actually written a real review. I have, however, marked it with five stars in more than one locale. Diamant's main character is Dinah and is based on a briefly mentioned Biblical figure who is the only daughter among Jacob's numerous children. Dinah grows up with four "mothers", one her biological mother and the other three are aunts (all are half-sisters and all married to Jacob). The titular red tent is where the women retreat during their periods. Dinah does eventually leave her mothers but she remains very tied to womanhood and she becomes a very skilled midwife. The story follows her from childhood to old age and imagines a side of history that is largely unwritten because most written accounts are from the male world.

I am enchanted by this book every time. The women are all very different and each has her own strengths and foibles. Dinah revels in a lot about womahood but she also is limited at times by the roles it brings. The book shows relationships with amazing depth including those with a parent, the relationship among siblings (including sisters sharing a spouse and with Dinah and her brothers, esp Joseph), female friendships, mentorships, and romantic love. There is so much detail and richness. The book shows women celebrating womanhood and enjoying the secrets of their world, a place that men seem to fear.

Five stars, no questions. Definitely oriented to women and I truly don't know how it might feel to someone who is very religious given the Biblical ties. For me, I feel like I've visited a friend every time I read this book.

An Artist of the Floating World by Kazuo Ishiguro

This is the second of the two Ishiguro books I recently purchased after revisiting Remains of the Day. As with the other, this is a fairly short book. Set in Japan, it is narrated by an aging artist who is reflecting on his potential involvement in the movements that led Japan to WWII. He revisits a good deal of his life, spurred by the marriage negotiations (the book's phrase...it is still more a deal between families than a love-based concept) for his younger daughter and concern about how his past might reflect in the current light.

I enjoyed the book. Ishiguro really likes to see how individual people are impacted by national upheaval and how they come to terms, especially when they are on the "wrong side" of history. I didn't really love it, but I looked forward to the book at night and was compelled to keep reading. As with many of my preferred books, there are no perfect characters here and the narrator does contemplate his own flaws (though I think he misses a big one...but that's fine since I think the author helps u see it, partly through comments from his daughters).

I'd give it 3.5 stars and would round up to make the "full star only" rating site folks happy.

P.S. Won a second Goodreads drawing!! And three Harper books en route!
P.P.S. I am exhausted after so many health challenges but seem to be avoiding any new ones (knock on cyberspace). I am taking it easy this week, letting myself rest in bed extra and cutting down the cardio. I need some self-TLC.

best laid plans (and more unplanned more time on the bathroom floor)

2012-01-16T09:49:00.001-05:00

I confess....well, THAT diet is not happening. I'm not going to re-mention the name of the plan b/c I don't want to get sued. And I'll say it wasn't officially confirmed. But I am pretty darn sure I got food poisoning on Saturday from the food I'd ordered for the diet plan.

Like I really needed to be violently ill all Saturday night (and just "off" yesterday). Can I get a "restart" on 2012?

They ARE refunding my money. They seemed suspicious of the illness but gave the refund easily. I feel horrid tossing 26 days of food, but I'm NOT touching it after being that sick.

moving ahead into a heatlhier 2012....hopefully....

2012-01-14T14:12:00.002-05:00

I confess...the first two weeks of 2012 have sucked. I think the lexapo withdrawal is finally under control, but MM was kind enough to bring back a present from work in the form of a nasty cold. I've gotten past the worst of the head symptoms, but still got the lovely post-nasal drip going on which makes me incredibly nauseous. Not fun.

Anyway, I DO want to shed some weight (the few pounds dropped in w/d were just water weight and came back). I will fully admit it is vanity weight, but it is still excess that I do not want. My PT frequently comments on how small my kneecaps are (they are also tilted funny, apparently). In my bigger days, I tried to deny that the wrist-test was accurate but I do have a fairly small frame. When you combine that with being 5'4" on a good day (though the surgeon swore I'd be taller...by a few millimeters), a little weight makes a decent difference on me. I feel my best at 115, a bit swollen over 120, and too skinny at 110. Again, dear readers, this is for ME and MY BODY. On most bodies, the 123ish range I've been in would be lovely. It just isn't the ideal for me.

I'd actually looked a bit at NutriSystem. I've always thought those programs work best for folks who know they have decent habits and are usually around where they want to be, but need a kick-start. But they have a definite financial penalty if you are doing only one 28-day cycle instead of a longer stint. I'd reached out to them but I'm not popular enough to get a blogger discount. So I got grumpy and moved on.

My friend Lauren had mentioned Meal Movement so I decided to check it out. It isn't cheap, especially for the long-term unemployed type, but it seemed like a fair price. You can select different options but you pretty much get ALL your food instead of needing to supplement like many other plans. They are semi on the Paleo concept of eating like our ancestors did. I don't see myself in that long-term but it seemed reasonable for the 28-day run because it means a good deal of "real" food...a meat & veggie for both lunch and dinner and either nuts/seeds or cheese sticks/beef sticks for a snack.

So, I gave in. I'm hoping the financial aspect is an added incentive to stick with it....the price IS reasonable if I don't go and "cheat." I did the lunch, dinner, & snacks plan because the breakfasts seemed a bit high in calories for me. They say you can do oatmeal instead....real oats, no sugary packet things. I like that since I can really have two or even three bowls for the equivalent to their egg dishes but I can spread them out a little more. I do miss my cereal and cracker/cookie snacks though....they are pretty strict on not going that route b/c of the sugar and such.

The stuff arrived yesterday. The box was HUGE, close to 50lbs. Our freezer was half-empty and is now PACKED and that's with a few days in the fridge (can go in the fridge for up to 14d). I've only had two meals but both were good. I AM feeling hungry, but I've also been WAY "off track" lately and gotten used to way more food than I need so I need to adjust. Hopefully this will re-acclimate me to eating a sane amount, help me shed a little bit, and just be a kick-start for getting to the body I prefer.

Wish me luck! I am def already wanting to cheat, but it's a weekend and MM is making himself bacon and other things so that's just an added challenge. I won't update on it often but will let you know what I think after the experiment is over.

balancing act

2012-01-06T14:52:00.001-05:00

I confess....I knew better.

I decided I needed some protein. This wasn't wrong. Thinking I could handle a jar of PB in the house, however, was. I was fine with it last night... I did have more than one PB 'wich but I needed it. Today though...yeah...eating 3/4 a jar of PB will NOT help matters. I did not need the guilt on top of the rest. I know I need to "let it go" but I'm not so good at that (and I manage to feel guilty about that too!!). I didn't expect the temporary scale drop in the first few days of being sick to last, I knew it wouldn't, but I really don't want to come out of this higher. Though just coming FULLY out of this mess is the first priority.

Lesson -- Do give your body what it needs (i.e. protien) but don't give your mind a challenge when your body's already down (i.e. a jar of PB when it is totally not a food I'm safe around).

Status -- I felt a good bit better last night but pretty crappy again today. ~~It is the first day though that I haven't, shall we say "visited the bathroom floor." That is good and needs to be counted as progress~~. (really, body...you just HAD to prove me a liar...not much of one which is TMI but...I seem to have more trouble w/ liquids than actual food...). But I'm really shaky. I tried to walk and abandoned that at less than half my normal distance b/c I felt like I was just going to collapse. My hands feel oddly "thick"....the phrase I was given is "Mickey Mouse" hands and it is totally applying...typing is SLOW and difficult. My head is really foggy (I'm catching at least one typo per line, sorry for those I miss!) and my belly is just plain "off," even taking the PB binge into account.

Reflection -- I DO think I needed the medicine when I took it. I DO believe that sometimes our brains need help to be balanced, just like a diabetic may need insulin. I just never imagined I'd still feel like crap a week later.

Moving ahead -- When I'm better, I do want to start a committed program to get to my best body. I have numbers in my head but want to try to focus more on just feeling like my body is where it belongs. Which it isn't at the current weight. I know I'm still considered small by most standards, but I also know my body looked and felt and performed better at a lighter size.

two reviews, one tempered by prior love for the writer: The 19th Wife (Ebershoff) and A Pale View of Hills (Ishiguro)

2012-01-05T11:17:00.001-05:00

I confess....this post may end up a bit messy. I am still far from well but I am also stubborn and want to put up my latest reads....

The 19th Wife by David Ebershoff

I tend to shy away from trendy issues in my books so it fits that I read a book about polygamy as the reality freight train on the topic has slowed. This book has two distinct storylines with polygamy playing a backbone role in each. The current story is told by Jordan, a young man who was kicked out of his cult-like community as a teen (never really thought about it but they have to get rid of some boys, esp teens...the multiple wives thing won't work if the society is evenly gender-balanced). He is drawn back in when his mother, the 19th wife of one of the leading men in the community, is accused of murdering his father. The historical story is told in several styles (journals, an academic thesis, a wikipedia entry) and focuses on a wife of Brigham Young who eventually flees the community and speaks out against the practice of polygamy.

As an initial matter, I do think the author made it quite clear that the modern-day polygamist plot was focused on an outlier community, pretty nearly a cult, and not the general Mormon church. I have read objections to the historical narrative's discussion of polygamy as anti-Mormon but it never felt that way to me. The story does portray Young and other leaders as in favor of the practice but I think that is historically accurate. It also shows that many devout Mormons struggled with the concept and felt it detracted from their religious practice.

I really enjoyed this read. I wouldn't call it "literature" but there is more substance than I find in man top sellers. I liked the fact that they not only showed the impact polygamy has on women but also showed how it can impact men as well. Women and children are the poster-child victims but the novel showed several men who either simply didn't want to engage in the practice or who felt like they were beaten-down by it and unable to be the spouse or parent they wished to be. I liked the variety in the narrative devices overall, not every style worked for me but I appreciated the effort. The variation in the historical thread was also countered by the modern-day story keeping a single style.

Four stars for a book that I looked forward to reading every night. A bit disappointed in the resolution to Jordan's tale, but not enough to totally toss aside the book...oddly, it was SO "thrown in" that it didn't take me out of the book too much and I simply was able to enjoy the other issues without being solely focused on the "whodunit" matter. Again, not an overly serious literary piece but fodder for thought and an engaging read.

A Pale View of Hills by Kazuo Ishiguro

I recently reread The Remains of the Day and my copy of Never Let Me Go has been well-worn (and not just b/c it was holding a chair in the Dominican Republic when a fierce lunchtime rain storm hit) so I decided to order two more Ishiguro works. The totally unfair truth is I'm tougher on authors who've written books I love....it's like going to the film everyone had been talking about, it is more likely to disappoint. So I'm struggling with this book review a bit....

This is the author's first novel and it is fairly short. The main character is Etsuko who, in the modern storyline, is a Japanese woman living in England. Her younger daughter is a twenty-something who is living in London and is making a first visit home after Etsuko's eldest daughter committed suicide. The narrator also reflects on a period in her earlier life in Japan when she was married to her first husband and pregnant with the elder daughter. She focuses her reflections on two topics: a visit from her father-in-law and a strange friend who lives nearby with her daughter.

I don't need my books tied in a neat little bow. In fact, I prefer stories without perfect "magical" endings. I am also certainly a fan of "show don't tell." That said, I felt a bit lost when I finished this one. There's definitely a secret there but I am not sure I "got" it. I have browsed online a bit and my verdict tends to be one that is a bit darker and less popular than the conclusion reached by most readers. I can, however, totally see both views. In some cases, I might like that but I just feel a bit frustrated and it detracted from the book for me. The writing is lovely, as always, and the book fits my preference for stories driven by character over plot. I just kinda wanted to love it more. 3.5 stars, in the end, and I can't really decide which way to round. A 4 is probably fairer and avoids punishing the book for not matching the other two Ishiguro's I've read, but a 3 may be a more honest reflection of my feeling while reading.

b/c clearly whining is a good follow-up to sappy

2012-01-04T10:39:00.001-05:00

I confess....2012 has not gone well.

I live pretty openly on most fronts. I hope that doing so helps at least one person feel less alone with the struggles that are sometimes kept quiet. I try not to embarrass others (well, too much...sappy posts are quite different from sharing other people's stuff) and don't think I post anything that would be a total turn-off for an employer...I don't give out my blog name or have my name directly on it but I have no doubt it could be found if someone wanted to find it. Still, I try to be honest.

So, I've been on Lexapro for a couple years. I do think it helped, but I decided a while ago that I wanted to see how I would do without it. I had been on 20mg/day and had gotten quite ill the couple of times I missed a dose. So I figured I'd be smart and went down to 10mg for 90d before cutting it out entirely. There wasn't a single symptom during the 20 to 10 shift.

I took my last 10mg pill on Thursday night. And I've been horridly ill ever since. I've bonded more with the bathroom floor than I ever cared to. There's a lot of naseau but the head symptoms are far worse and are definitely contributing to the belly. It feels like my head is filled with sludge. The world moves in fits and starts, kinda like a slowed down stop-motion animation. There are "waves" in my head when I dare move. The dry heaves (well, mostly...sometimes not so, ummm, "dry") are also not helping either the back or the off-kilter head. Dizzy isn't quite the right word, but very "off" and I'm feeling like driving isn't the smartest of choices (not that walking is smart either). I had odd hand issues yesterday too...the term someone shared when I explained it was "Mickey Hands" which totally fits since it felt like the fingers were swollen to mitten-size and hard to move.

I skipped PT Monday and today (Wed). Hopefully I won't be charged a penalty....I couldn't call 24h ahead on Monday and I just kept hoping I'd be better today. I felt kind of human while hidden under he covers but it went steeply downhill when I dared to move. They know I'm stubborn and would not skip a workout unless I really couldn't cut it. I've come in limping and only said "no" after trying a move led to tears.

The symptoms all fit with my research on Lexapro withdrawal and I definitely felt them before Googling so it isn't some sort of placebo affect. There's plenty out there on withdrawal but a lot less on how long this lasts. A few horror tales said 8w but I am confident those are extreme outliers, well, I hope so anyway. In my experience, it is only the worst tales that make it online since folks who feel fine are enjoying the world instead of lurking on medical sites. I had Dr Dad dig around some doctor-resources and he said five days was the average. I'm over that already, but my body isn't known for being cooperative. I should be oddly grateful I was never "cool" enough to be exposed to any non-medical drugs since my body is defintely skewed towards physical dependence.

Well....I DID want to drop some surgery and holiday weight...and, I'll admit, I have. Apparently eating a big pizza salad when your body says it is the only thing it wants (mostly a lot bread and feta w/ a bit of chicken and veggie mix...I think the carbs were the craving) works fine when it is the only full meal you eat in a couple days (and thankfully it stays put in the belly). Still, this is NOT the way I wanted to lose a bit of the vanity weight. I do not recommend it.

I've shuttled between the couch and the bed every few hours. I'm pushing MM's sympathy limit, not that I can blame him. Some folks say going back on 5mg would help....but it is hard to decide. If I knew I'd be this ill for weeks to come, I'd do it with the hope that it'd ease the process. But, if I'm CLOSE, then I don't want to backtrack. I wish my body had some sort of predictive thermostat...clearly I should upgrade to a version that does.

wherein i am unrepentantly sappy and annoying

2012-01-01T10:56:00.002-05:00

I'm not gonna start with an "I confess". So there. And this post will very likely be a bit of a bore, but so be it.

Before heading to a NYE party last year, I left the following note on the host's facebook page

i'm putting in a request for a cute, mid-30s, non-smoking boy for a midnight kiss. strong arms a plus....we'll stay superficial since i only anticipate a 15 second relationship i'll bring cookies in return.

I remember walking in and noticing a boy with nice arms, but he was holding a cigarette so I dismissed him. I didn't get my kiss but I got a backrub around 2AM that ended up lasting for two hours. There was clearly chemistry. I got my kiss the following evening, a hidden kiss b/c our friends were totally monitoring our every move.

Over the next week, we spent hours on the phone together. I despise the phone , finding even ten minues insufferably long. So, I knew this meant something, including that it was more than just good chemistry. It moved fast, emotionally and geographically, with me packing the car not long after to head out to Central PA. That's SO not me....but I never had a doubt about it. And, btw, the cigarettes were just social and dropped without a request when shared friends gave a heads-up that I both dislike it and have allergy issues.

Thank you, MM, for a lovely year. You've shown me so much. I was so very wrong for so long when I thought I knew what love was. You accept me, mental-and-physical-warts and all. You said, "If I can't handle you at your worst, I don't deserve you at your best" and you lived it by my bedside after surgery and comforting me when some mental demons arose. You made me smile more than I have since I was a nutty little three year-old running around restaurants and introducing myself to everyone. You make me laugh all the time. You taught me the right person is the one your heart knows, even if the match sounds so odd on paper (a conservative military boy, a liberal pacifist girl). When you smile at me, a smile that takes your whole face and is best around your eyes, I feel so lucky and so loved.

I'll stop now. Not because I can't go on, but because it'd get way too long if I kept going.

Love you MM.

hints from the lazy rambler

2011-12-29T13:14:00.001-05:00

I confess...I am not handy, fancy, or fashion-forward. I think that this makes me an ideal hint-er. Heloise spends a lot more time on everything than I do...it takes special skills to be lazy. So, for my lovely readers, assorted tips from the Rambler...

BEAUTY

Although I kick them off at some point every night, I tend to start out with socks on in bed. I like slathering my feet with lotion beforehand, ideally sitting on the bed so I can avoid standing after socking-up. Helps keep my gym-worn feet a bit softer.
Maybe this is obvious but I didn't start doing it until I was in my 20s...in the shower, I'll shampoo first and then put on conditioner. I'll shave and wash up while the conditioner soaks in. Multi-tasking both saves water and lets the conditioner work longer than if I was twiddling my thumbs for a minute.
Another hair tip -- I have THICK and long hair. I do NOT need volume but, when I've been able to w/ the back issues, I flip and dry my hair upside down a bit first. It speeds drying by getting to the underlayers and I finish upright which takes out the excess volume.
Plucking eyebrows is easier after face-washing...kinda similar to shaving after exfoliating. Both make it easier to get "at" the hair and do a thorough job.

MONEY-ISH

I pick and chose generic products. Most drugstore stuff is pretty equivalent, especially medicines since they are subject to rules. I test out generic sodas....some are perfectly fine but others will go to waste because they simply aren't as good. Unless there's a sale, most of the store-brand yogurts work fine for me but I see a marked difference in frozen meals.
If I'm buying something online, I'll do a quick search for "STORE coupon codes". More often than not, I can get some degree of discount or free shipping. It takes a few minutes to dig through the websites and try codes to see if they work, but it is totally worth it. I find I buy stuff I don't really use if I focus on paper coupons, but this is focused on something I'm already buying.
I use the same credit card for almost all online purchases. I haven't had any issues, but I'd be able to spot a fraudulent charge faster since I check the bill knowing it is the riskier one.
I don't carry a credit card balance. Obviously, this isn't possible for everyone. It is nice though to have a card you know you'll pay off....you can pick one with good rewards that might have a higher APR. My Amazon Visa isn't the best rate but the points add up and the rate is irrelevant since I wouldn't use it if I didn't know I could pay the bill. Folks with a balance could use a lower interest one for bigger bills but still keep a good points one for bills they can pay.

HOUSEHOLD

Not only is men's Barbasol cheaper than frilly girl shave gels, I like it MUCH better. However, I suppose because most men don't shave in the shower, it lacks the rust-proof bottom. When I don't have it sitting on another item, it leaves awful rust rings. Solution that totally works -- Coat the bottom "ring" with clear nail polish. Easy and effective.
I have two laundry hampers. I kept ending up building a new "pile" when the hamper was holding clean clothes that I hadn't gotten around to putting away. The spare is smaller, which encourage me to eventually put away stuff, but it keeps PJs and sweaty gym stuff from sitting on the floor for a day or two mid-laundry-process.
I haven't been able to help with cleaning much of late, but I always do bigger jobs post-workout. It allows me to shower after cleaning, which helps with allergies and just feels "earned". It is also nice to shower in a freshly cleaned bathroom.
A little plastic crate keeps my bedside "necessities" (meds, lotion, etc) handy but under control.

WRITING

When I need to write something professional, I try to spread out writing and editing. I find it too easy to overlook errors immediately after they are made and I am more likely to catch more intangible things that are "off" (like a sentence that made sense to me when I wrote it but wouldn't make sense outside my head) when I am a bit removed.
I also find that the tip-of-my-tongue, perfect word is more likely to come when I step away than when I'm sitting and pondering. If time isn't on my side, the Word thesaurus is a start but sometimes I get closer if I just play with Google a bit and either type in the less-ideal-substitute or the general context.
The number one thing to focus on in ANY writing project -- the audience. I've written for judges, lawyers, hiring professionals, and the general public. Heck, I've written for my own amusement. I try to keep the audience in my head, especially if it is something I'm being paid for, and to respect the reader while not assuming knowledge they may not have.

RANDOM

I think I've said this one before, but the little "button bags" that carry spare parts for new clothes are PERFECT for stashing medicine. I tuck the bag into a pocket of my wallet w/ "might be needed" medicine and it keeps them clean and easy to access.
I like leaving random cards for MM. I'll buy a few at a time so I've got one to leave out if the mood strikes or cheering-up is needed.
I totally plan my workouts around mindless but entertaining TV. It makes the treadmill time much easier.

One New-to-Me, One Well-Read Review: The Imperfectionists (Rachmann) and The Remains of the Day

2011-12-24T11:24:00.000-05:00

I confess...it feels a bit funny to do a book review post X-mas Eve, but I'm halfway through my next read and I like doubles for than triples. I actually had a few "new-to-me"s on my nightstand but I'm trying to get back in the habit of throwing in some re-reads (like Remains of the Day, below). I don't really re-watch movies but I do like re-visiting old books, some get nearly annual reads (Red Tent, Cider House Rules). I suppose my lack of memory skills are an asset in saving on books.

The Imperfectionists, Tom Rachmann

I don't tend to like short stories and this book straddles the line between a novel and shorts-land. It is in a similar style as Olive Kitteridge but, luckily, I enjoyed this one much more.

The chapters alternate between portraits of a newspaper's modern-day employees and a history of the paper's founding and development. There is some overlap in the portraits, which makes sense, but they are also pretty distinct stories that could each stand-alone. The paper is international in scope, traditional in format (not even a website), and based in Rome. Characters vary from an aging stringer to a writer whose career becomes his focus after a familial loss. Many are not overly likeable but most are interesting and fairly well fleshed-out for the style (my usual complaint about shorts is the lack of fullness in the characters).

I enjoyed this quite a bit and give it a solid four stars. I'd certainly seek out more works by Rachmann since I enjoyed his writing style and his attention to character development. I wasn't as frustrated as I might have been by the brevity of each "visit" and I think that's largely a testament to the amount he fit into the pieces. Yes, they aren't all likeable but, in my view, that makes them all the more real. A favorite was the piece on the Chief Financial Officer who finds herself seated on an international flight next to a man whom she'd just laid off. There is commentary on the impact of modern life on the newspaper trade but I didn't find the context to be incredibly central to the book. It did remind me of a favorite chapter in Ulysses (and I just like being able to tout surviving that one, as all Haverford English majors do...and even enjoying it....).

Definitely for readers who want character over plot.

The Remains of the Day, Kazuo Ishiguro

This is one I've revisited several times and always enjoy (four stars). On the surface, it is simply a six-day journey to visit an old colleague, but there's much more underneath. Stevens is a career butler in England who recently "came with the package" when an American purchased the house he has tended for decades. Stevens prides himself on his "dignity" and spends a lot of time reflecting on the quality which, for him, often involved staying focused on his professional role despite any personal matters. He asserts pride in having continued to serve impeccably on the day his father, a butler as well, passed, but there is some clear doubt about his choices. He also reflects on his long-time employer. Stevens had been proud to serve a man involved in international affairs who claimed to be hosting gatherings with global implications in the time between WWI and WWII. However, even Stevens will admit that his employer made some poor choices in his loyalties, having been a clear Nazi sympathizer prior to the second war. Stevens admits his employer was mistaken but argues strongly against anyone who demonizes the man, asserting (to himself as much as the reader) that the man was truly a decent person who just chose a wrong allegiance.

Again, this is a book of characters more than plot, even though there IS much more plot than just the roadtrip. The trip serves as a chance for reflection since it is a rare time off-duty and so it does have the "action" of many years within the short trip. It is more about character though and about concepts like dignity, class, and culture. A key question left to the reader is whether the quality of a worker should be judged in relation to the nature of the employer. Stevens clearly hopes his life of service has been worthwhile, but worries about it in hindsight.

I consider this a key piece of twentieth century fiction and recommend it to literary folks who want to be comprehensive in their reading as well as to those who like their books to provoke thought. It is a treatise on moral reflection in the dressing of a novel and carried off well by a wonderfully talented writer (loved his more recent Never Let Me Go, 4.5 stars, and just ordered two more of his works).

(Non) Material Girl

2011-12-22T18:20:00.000-05:00

I confess....I never wrote a letter to Santa. Of course, the fact that my custodial parent was Jewish, may have had something to do with that. But, even as a kid, I generally didn't have the holiday lists that other kids generated. I spent X-mas at my Dad's and my half-siblings always had quite the lists but I always struggled to come up with gift ideas.

I'll admit that I know this was/is a source of frustration. It was compounded by the short gap between my birthday and the holidays...some years it overlapped with Hanukah and it is less than two weeks before Christmas. Since I only spent a couple of weeks a year out there, I know my father found it particularly maddening when I couldn't come up with many gift ideas. I'd try to save a few up, but I was never a great help.

The truth is, and I really don't want this to sound "holier-than-thou" and am quite aware it might, I'm just not all that needy when it comes to material goods. I'll admit that I am emotionally complex, but I am not all that in need of "stuff". When MM and I faced our first gift-giving occasion, he was doubtful I'd be happy with wine, a DVD, and dinner. I think he's since learned. I do love the teddy bear he got me and I'd save that well before the "bigger" present of a necklace.

I do, however, like thoughtful gifts. In some cases, this may actually make me MORE demanding than the girl with the endless list of wants, especially from closer folks. It needn't be pricey, but I appreciate a present if it shows thought about me and my world. I did suggest it so it isn't quite the perfect example, but the jars of deep conditioner from my mom are in this field. It is something useful to me that helps in the love/hate battle with my thick, dark, long hair that I force straight since its natural state is a messy spot between curls and waves. And, since it is the weekly treatment type (vs daily use necessity), it is something that adds up in price and a luxury that I question spending the extra funds on given my limited income. Way back when, I had friends travel far to Big White Dress day who gave a small gift but whose presence meant more than the big checks and gift cards from family friends (not that I didn't appreciate the latter!!!). Likewise, Teddy MM is special not only b/c he was an early present but b/c his outfit has a bit of meaning behind it (note: I was mad at MM last night....when I am mad, I want nothing related to the target, so Teddy MM got thrown across the room....sorry, Teddy, not your fault...).

Again, I know that depth can be a tall order sometimes. It may even be unfair. It does, however, fit with the not-a-material-girl trend. I don't care about the object, I care about the sentiment. And dessert...I always like dessert :P

Tangent alert -- I was in CVS the other day. A mom, grandmom, and young boy were there too. Mom walked away and grandmom asked the boy what he thought they should get a younger child for a present. The boy (maybe 7ish, I'm not good at guessing) suggested a board game set. Grandmom asked if it might be a little too old for the kid in question. The boy, with all sincerity, replied, "It's okay. I can play with it for him." Favorite comment of the week! Loved that he really meant it and didn't see any conflict at all.

the anti-resolution rambler: working on me

2011-12-20T12:37:00.002-05:00

I confess...I am not a fan of New Year's resolutions. I have rambled about it before, but I think change comes when it is ready rather than when a calendar flips. I am, however, realizing that sometimes external cues can be cause for evaluation. For me, my birthday tends to do that more than the calendar flip, but the timing is close since I flip to the next year less than three weeks before the calendar. I'm not really thinking in terms of make-or-break goals but more "things to work on in year 34." It is, I think, a more fluid concept. I hope that I'll continue to evaluate as the year progresses, but a few things I want to focus on as I continue to evolve and grow:

Finding what gives me satisfaction -- Minds out of the gutters, folks! Satisfaction comes in many forms and I want to find things that nurture me and feed me. This could be tied to the job search but it could also come from elsewhere....if I knew the details, it wouldn't be on the list!!
Getting to my physical best -- Like many folks, I have a goal weight in my head. I doubt that I'll ever stop caring about the digits on the scale. But I'd really like to work on framing it differently and achieving a body that is healthy and balanced. I want to know it is a body I work to maintain but also one that I can live in peace with and that also allows me to enjoy life. It means not abusing myself with binges but also not beating myself up if I slip. It doesn't mean "perfection"....I don't want to live a life without some indulgence. My physical best is about balance.
Nurturing my relationships -- Of course, the relationship with MM is a big one, but it isn't the only one. I want to enjoy the people in my life and have relationships that bring joy and strength to both me and the others involved. I want to take each person as an individual and respect each relationship with that in mind.
Giving back -- I'm not sure what the best way is for me, but I do want to feel like I am an asset to the world around me and that I make a difference. I look at this very broadly....it could be financial support or in-person volunteer work but it could also be supporting others going through battles that I've also endured. I know my e-buddies help/ed me with so many fights and I'd like to do the same for others who feel alone in their battles.
Loving myself -- Again, folks, minds out of the gutters!! I can own a few of my strengths, but I know I'm harsh on myself. I often say that we should never treat ourselves any worse than we'd treat our dearest friends. I want to work on LIVING that, a process that means being honest about my weaknesses when necessary but also owning my strengths and taking care of my inner and outer self.

wherein i jump on the holiday survey bandwagon

2011-12-17T10:17:00.002-05:00

I confess...this is an odd time for me to jump on the blog survey wagon, but it seemed fun. My mother's family is Jewish so there wasn't a holiday debate as a kid....I spent X-mas at my father's every year. During my childhood, that included a step-mother (I have a new one now, the old one fit the "wicked" moniker but the new one is very kind) and half-siblings (when it was still unusual enough that people asked what a half-brother and half-sister looked like). As an adult, some were spent quietly and others with X's family. This year, MM and I will have a quiet holiday at home. I am hoping to get brave and make a roasted chicken (better sized for two than other similar meals).

So, my holidays were always a bit different and I'm not a religious person but I still feel like playing. Stolen from Tina (if you are an ATL friend and need a personal trainer, call her!! and read her stories if you're a fellow fighter against the binge-eating demon):

Does Santa wrap presents or just sit them under the tree? All wrapped, but rarely well!!

Colored lights on tree/house or white? I prefer simple so white/silver and blue. Maybe it is my way of blending in Hanukah colors. MM says his chili-pepper lights are required. I'm down with that, though they are distracting when set on "blink". Our neighbor across the street must have doubled his electric bill this month!!

Do you hang mistletoe? No. Kisses shouldn't be forced

What is your favorite holiday dish (excluding dessert)? It's varied so much over recent years, but I made MM my mom's lox rolls at T-day and look forward to them at family gatherings on that side. As a kid, my dad's house had a huge X-mas Eve gathering. I hated ham which was always the entree for days on end but loved various pastry-laden appetizers and the corn casserole

Favorite Holiday memory as a child? Given that Dad is a surgeon, much of my time on visits as a kid was really w/ wife 2 who I always knew kind of hated that I existed and my half-siblings, who were fun but the 5 year gap was a lot. But Dad and I were in charge of a bunch of errands on X-mas Eve before the big party and I loved that time together.

Snow? Love it or dread it? It is lovely to watch but needs to time itself kindly....it can fall when I am not going anyplace but should stop and be gone when I need to exit the door.

Real tree or fake tree? No real opinion

What’s the most important thing about Christmas for you? I'm not religious. I'll resist the temptation to say cookies and say I love watching people feel a sense of community and joy.

What is your favorite Holiday dessert? Gingerbread cookies!! But it is tough....I'm not good at control so I really need single-serving desserts and they can be tough to find.

What is your favorite tradition? Too many variables to really answer these days.

What tops your tree? Same.

What is your favorite Christmas Song? Because I cried like a baby at the scene in Love, Actually, "All I Want For X-mas Is You".

What do you leave for Santa? No kids, so nothing. But I'm recalling the little girl in an ad who got awesome gifts and explained she'd left cheese.

Do you have a Christmas morning tradition? Again, too varied. Quality PJ time is always good!

Do you prefer to shop on-line or at the mall? Online. I hate crowds so get any mall-going done a few weeks in advance. I like the options online too and generally can find deals to compensate for shipping (or get it free). This year, I was loving the Signals stuff too....I joined the "club" and did get some coupons to use that paid for the membership but those had to be ordered by phone which was somehow incredibly annoying to me.

Harper Review Trio: The Flight of Gemma Hardy (Livesay), First You Try Everything (McCafferty), Ali in Wonderland (Wentworth)

2011-12-16T16:15:00.000-05:00

I confess...while these books are all courtesy of the lovely folks at Harper (which will be reiterated in the reviews since I also post them on Goodreads), I did leave a book-lover piece out of my recent Things the Rambler is Lovin' post. While the APR is high so I wouldn't reccomend it if you don't pay it off every month, the Amazon Visa is lovely for fellow book lovers. You get 3 points on Amazon purchases, 2 at drugstores, and 1 on other stuff. A penny a point did add up when I used it on some of my medical bills instead of paying them directly. Since I usually find used books for under a dollar (with a $4 shipping fee), a horrid $1,000 co-pay earned me a couple free books. Always good in my world. Anyway, reviews:

The Flight of Gemma Hardy by Margot Livesay

Inspired by Jane Eyre, when we meet Livesay's heroine she is a young orphan living with an Aunt and cousins who clearly let her know she is more a burden than a loved member of the family. Gemma is excited by the prospect of a boarding school scholarship, only to find herself living as a servant at the school with a rough group of fellow working girls. The reader follows Gemma as she grows to young adulthood, including a role as a governess in a house with its own secrets.

I spent the majority of this book (which was provided to me by the publishers) convinced I'd never be able to decide which way to round from 3.5. The ending, however, didn't fit with my preferences and I ended at 3 stars. I do like that Gemma isn't made into a paragon of perfection, she has and acknowledges faults. I just don't tend to be a fan of too much literary magic. But, I know that sometimes fits with the type of novels that inspired this story so others might feel differently. I'd also have liked to see some of the characters more fully fleshed out. It was a nice read, but just not one I see myself passing on or revisiting in the future.

First You Try Everything by Jane McCafferty

Switching between characters, this novel tells the story of a marriage ending and shows one partner unravelling as the other begins to move forward. In early chapters, I related a bit to some of the descriptions of Evvie from Ben's viewpoint but she quickly began to deteriorate and a troubling underside to her became clear. She has trouble accepting Ben's departure and her sanity begins to crumble over time. Ben is concerned but is trying to walk the line between being supportive and giving her false hopes or falling back into old habits himself.

I wasn't quite sure how I'd feel about this novel as I progressed. There's a key story element that I won't reveal but that I just didn't enjoy at all. Despite that, I am giving this novel (provided to me by Harper) a solid four stars for the deep psychological study of a woman shaken to the core. The author shows that the roots of Evvie's disturbance went deep (vs. having her just crack one moment) and I think both partners are well explored. I'd very much like to remove the one storyline that felt like too much of an add-in (I can see how the author got caught by the concept, just think it'd be a better novel without it) but it is a worthwhile read as it stands. Good for folks who like compelling character-driven studies of personality and psychology.

Ali in Wonderland and Other Tall Tales by Ali Wentworth

Having enjoyed a few of Jen Lancaster's books, I was glad to have the chance to read a copy of this book provided to me by the folks at Harper. It is a humorous memoir of a woman who grew up in an elite D.C. circle and roamed around a bit before finding herself back in the D.C. arena after marrying a well-known political advisor/journalist. The book covers event's of Ali's childhood, her adventures in love, and her life as a wife and mother. The author is a comedienne with come acting creds but not someone I was familiar with prior to the book.

Unfortunately, this just didn't fire right for me. I was amused but never in a laugh-out-loud fashion and I never felt like I could really relate to Ali. I'd go with 2.5 stars given the option. I'll round up to fit the full-star needs of the review sites and because I certainly never debated abandoning ship. It just never quite spoke to me and it lacked the "girlfriend gab" aura I had hoped to find.

rambler in print

2011-12-16T09:40:00.003-05:00

I confess...I don't want to put my name directly on my blog (even though I know that folks could find it if they really wanted to) but I will say that a certain Rambler has a series in the Gazette, our local freebie paper. It is the 12/16 edition (in case you see this some other time). See the editor intro on page 4 and the piece at the bottom of page 10. FYI -- It's a local free paper that one grabs in the grocery store or DQ so it is kinda low-tech and a bit slow to load.

things the rambler is lovin'

2011-12-11T16:37:00.000-05:00

I confess...this post comes with a warning. There's a dismaying link between me loving a product and it being altered or disappearing. You've been warned. That said, I wanted to share some random things I've been loving lately. These will be things I haven't touted before (of course, I still ❤ my Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper) and all are just from my experience, none were provided to me (but I'll take thank you samples!!!):

Dove Conditioners -- My hair is thick and course. A previously touted anti-frizz serum from Avon is still key to my mane control, but I've become a big fan of Dove's conditioners. I've tried a few and all leave my hair nice and soft (NOT its natural state). They are also pretty reasonably priced which is key when your hair DRINKS conditioner (a "dime-sized" amount? try palm-sized).
Tiger Balm patches -- I have tried LOTS of pain patches. Many are pricey and still offer very little relief. The Tiger Balm ones are not cheap (often $8/5) but they DO help. There is some odor but it is absolutely worth it. I did score a decent deal on Ebay lately...my blogging gig pays via PayPal so it inspired me to come into the 2000s and use the site.
Simply Saline - MM got me onto this one. I was terrified to try it, having imagined an aerosol hairspray can up my nose! It isn't like that but it does flush things out. My step-dad (in drug development) wondered about preservatives but the kind I have notes it is preservative-free. A neti-pot WOULD be greener, but this is an easier first step.
Special K Chips -- Yummy and you get a whole bunch per serving. Light but tasty.
Alka-Seltzer Cold Night & Day -- Honestly, more than the actual medicine, I liked that the pack I bought finally recognized that there are more "day" hours than "night" and varied the amount of pills accordingly. It did help with sinus issues too!!
Miracle Foot Repair (warning: link "talks") -- Somehow, my left foot was a horrid mess while the right stayed baby smooth. Using this twice a day, under my socks pre-treadmill and under slipper socks pre-bed (never stay on all night...), had made a definite difference. I've done the same with regular lotions and this did actually merit mention b/c it worked better than other products.

I'm still waiting on a new blanket I ordered like two months ago. It is made of bamboo fibers and I am planning on it becoming a favorite once it FINALLY arrives!!!

A Follow-Up Post: Further Thoughts on the Sandusky Story

2011-12-07T15:29:00.001-05:00

I confess...a lot is swirling in my head. I'm going to pick one topic though, to keep things under control, and it is one I already rambled about before.

I continue to follow the Sandusky case more than I really want to admit. I'm not sure what it is that compels me to tune in to the story. I've lived in cities so it isn't the first time I had a national story in my backyard (I lived only a couple miles from the so-called Craigslist Killer, my shuttle van driver went to his complex after mine), even if it is unusual for Central PA. Part of it is about hoping to see justice, especially for child victims. Part of it is about the way we idolize sports figures and other celebrities as well. But there's something else and I just can't put my finger on it. I was sick of Casey Anthony and Conrad Murray after a day or two, but I keep seeking more details this time.

However, I am NOT interested in attending the hearing next week. The courthouse is in our small town that neighbors State College. We aren't right there downtown, but we do live only a mile and a hald from the courthouse. Out town does NOT get crowds...the highway is a bit busier on game days but the traffic isn't in our town itself. It seems odd that they are doing a lottery for seats, with a portion for media and a portion for the public. I guess though that it might be the easiest way and prevent some sort of crazy standing in line that might otherwise be the default. Regardless, it will be nuts.

There is so much tragedy in this story. It is horrible to imagine how many kids might have been hurt and hard to understand how people turned a blind eye. But I'm also trying to focus on some positive outcomes. I hope the attention makes it a little easier for victims of abuse, past or present, to come forward. I cannot imagine how hard that is, especially when the perpetrator is touted as such a great community-centered advocate for youth and part of an idolized sports saga. I had a teacher who blurred the lines once, I didn't even speak up about that (it was borderline, not at all akin to the Sandusky accusations). The stranger cases are the exception and most victims trust their abuser, making it much harder to speak about the abuse. I imagine it is even worse for boys/men. I hope this encourages past victims to seek help and anyone currently dealing with it to speak up.

Side note: Lawyers need to advertise. I write for a legal blog and part of the blog's purpose is advertising. It is important that victims be able to identify legal resources. I think advertising that you represent abuse victims is appropriate. I am not so fond of a local lawyer whose TV ad specifically targets victims of the PSU abuse. It feels a step too far to me.

I am also encouraged by the call for reform in reporting rules. Many laws do exist that acknowledge the special challenge of child abuse, including mandatory reporting obligations on many people who have contact with children and suspect abuse. This case makes it clear that we need more such rules. We need a system that makes it crystal clear what needs to be done when allegations or suspicions arise in ANY system that involves children. Two people spoke here....well, at least two. I do have a level of sympathy for them, both were lower in the food-chain and both did "report up" about what they saw. A rule that makes it mandatory for those receiving these reports bring them to the police is needed. It is best for the kids. It also just eliminates the choice, which I hope these people at least struggled with.

I have also been heartened to see the community dedicate energy to fundraising and other efforts to stop abuse. In my first post on the scandal, I expressed hope that the community would take all the emotion and turn it into positive action. That happened at the first game after the news broke and continues to happen. Some of it is a PR thing, PSU will have to work to get its reputation back and they have announced several efforts including donating bowl game proceeds to charity and working on a special center dedicated to helping abuse victims. I see the mixed motives, but I'll take it.

I hope the victims find justice. I hope that others speak up if they were also victims, especially those within the limitations period (another side note: I want to say "He misused it. Cut it off." but I do believe we need to let the system work and in proving guilt in court). And I hope this tragedy helps us, as a society, learn and move ahead to a better and safer world.

P.S. I feel silly noting it at all, so minor in the sweep of things, but I will admit the press on the 13th are not here for me. And I'll see it as an excuse to spend my birthday/hearing day in my PJs.

The New and The Old: Reviews of Red Ruby Heart in a Cold Blue Sea (Callan Rogers) and Plainsong (Haruf)

2011-12-03T19:54:00.001-05:00

I confess....since learning how to work deals on Amazon and getting hooked up with the folks at Harper, I've been re-reading less that I used to. I suppose it is the upside of a less-than-stellar memory that makes it possible to revisit books. They feel familiar and cozy but not stale or boring. This set of reviews has a re-read from my pre-reviewing days and also a new book, one that I was excited to win an advance copy of over at Goodreads (my first win there!). Since it was a freebie advance copy, I'll put that review first (and hopefully it'll help me earn brownie points to be a future winner!)....

Red Ruby Heart in a Cold Blue Sea by Morgan Callan Rogers

I've entered many Goodreads contests and was excited to finally be among the winners! This is a coming-of-age story, set largely in the 60s in a small town in Maine where only a handful of families live year-round. Florine finds herself adrift when her beloved mother, Carlie, disappears while on a girls' weekend away. Florine is left with her father, who loves her but with whom she struggles a bit, and a grandmother who is an institution in the town and is known to all as Grand. We see Carlie struggle to define herself in relation to her town and her family and to grow into her own person while the shadow of her missing mother never fades.

I was reminded of Fannie Flagg's writing while I read this novel (more Daisy Fay and The Miracle Man than her better-known Fried Green Tomatoes), a link that seems to have been made by others out there in the book community. This isn't a light story, there's a lot of sadness here and a lot of struggle, but it still flew by. It was easy to read but in a very pleasurable sense of that phrase -- you drop in and visit with some friends who are there when you pick it back up the next evening. It isn't earth-shattering but it is a very enjoyable read and great for a reader looking for a fictional escape. The residents of The Point are a type of family and I enjoyed sitting at their warm table. Throughout the book, there are references to cooking and especially to bread. At one point, a summertime cottage dweller remarks on how wonderful a basic loaf of fresh bread can be and I think that's a fitting analogy for the book -- no frills, but warmly welcoming. Again, it isn't a story of many joys but there's an undercurrent of love and community that makes it retain hope.

I suppose the ratings folks help me here since I'd be torn b/w 3.5 and 4 stars and the lack of half-stars resolves that dilemma. I think it is also more fair...the novel doesn't ever really pretend to be overly literary (it is fresh bread, not a fancy torte!), but it does its genre well. FYI -- The novel does appear to have come out previously in German with the US edition slated for early 2012 release.

Plainsong by Kent Haruf

A month or so ago, I stumbled on a TV movie while putting in my treadmill time. I knew I'd read the book but couldn't bring the name to mind and the "guide" insisted I was watching The Golden Girls. It took an IMDB visit but the name came back and the desire to revisit the book came with it.

This was my second read of Plainsong. Set in a small town in Colorado, the novel introduces the reader to a number of residents who feel both very ordinary and also a bit extraordinary. There's a pregnant teen cast out by her mother, a pair of boys whose mother leaves them emotionally and then physically, a set of old farmer brothers who never married, and a teacher trying to do right in a complicated world. The chapters shift focus but the stories all overlap with some frequency, much as one might expect in a rural town. These are people trying to get by and do right. They are never fancy, nor is the language flowery, but there's a beauty in the simplicity that reigns even in the face of some complex challenges. I love character-centered books and this certainly qualifies, though it also has a strong sense of place. Things DO happen, but it is more about how the events shape the people (and how the people, in turn, shape each other).

Strong four stars. I didn't see the whole TV movie but it seemed worthwhile too...a good warm cup of hot cocoa and a blanket kind of movie (by the Lifetime folks).

33, part 2 - the pretty-darn-cool

2011-12-02T16:30:00.001-05:00

I confess...it took me a bit longer to sit down to write this than I intended. And I'm totally using bullet-points. The good things that happened in my 33rd year:

Really, I could just write about MM but I'll just say that I found the love I never imagined I would have with a wonderful man who can be all macho and fix stuff but still buys a gingerbread-scented candle from the little boy going door-to-door b/c he felt bad for the kid and knows I love gingerbread scent. I honestly had thought I just no longer liked kissing or being held...I just needed the right set of lips and arms.
I took action, put on my Brave Face and went through major surgery. A lumbar fusion is a pretty big-deal operation and I'm still in recovery mode but there WAS bone growth on my last x-ray which is really encouraging. I keep citing it but the doc said it was among the worst discs he's seen in years (and he does these several times a week) which was such a validation that the pain was real AND gives hope the surgery will help.
Only one trip so far, though at least three more before the official 33rd year ends, but liking the new physical therapist. I'd seen two in 2010...one I loved, the other felt a bit too much like an assembly-line, factory approach. I'm hopeful this one will get me back into fighting shape.
Put my past behind me. It took an emotional trip to a Boston courtroom and then a long wait after, but the divorce is final and official and that's good.
Loving my new Centre County home. I read up on the area when I was looking at a job here summer-to-fall 2010 but came in second. I was disappointed since I'd truly become a fan. Then I met some boy at a party. He lived near State College and it opened a conversation and swears he didn't want to meet the girl he was supposed to meet since I talked to him first. So, I ended up out here after all. Love the fact that most anything I need is close but I still feel like I live in a small town where neighbors wave and the mail-lady asks about my back and chases us down for a signature if she spots us going out before she gets to our door.
I may still lack the FT job but I can officially say I'm being paid to write. It is just a ghost-writing gig for a attorney blog (largely personal injury but branching out), passed on by a friend when she took a full-time job herself, but it is writing and I get money so it still counts. Another plus is it makes my resume less stale.
I still have body image issues, but I have also been learning a lot about how I function. I figured out an uptick in endo was tied to the pheromone/hormone change in having a man sleeping next to me after sleeping alone for a while (before the divorce too...partly his snoring, partly emotional). I can tell when I'm getting sick by the endo too. I'm getting better at reading soreness as well and figuring out how to tackle it.
Silly one -- I perfected the use of Amazon to order cheap books. $3.99 shipping isn't bad when the book costs a penny, especially when it is a book I wanted rather than just a "bargain bin" leftover.
I know some new folks stumbled onto my blog and that makes me smile.

Hopefully 34 will bring more good news. My little town seems to be making major preparations for my birthday....okay, maybe that's unrelated to my birthday and it may make me afraid to walk out our door that day (State College deals w/ crowds, we don't get them here). Though I have suggested we offer the guest room for rental to someone with AP press creds (kinda like a background check, right??)...only about 1.5m from the hoopla-center.

33, part 1 - the not-so-good...

2011-11-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

I confess....I'm not waiting two more weeks to write this. It is drumming loudly in my head and I hope hashing through it helps me with that.

My pre-turkey gratitude post referenced some of the events of 2011 but I also want to reflect more broadly on my 33rd year. As I noted last year around birthday time (early then too....), my AP English teacher once told us to be alert for 33yo characters. The age carries biblical significance and often is a hint that the character will be experiencing some significant change. 33 has been busy for me...I do have two weeks to go but I'm ready to reflect early. In pondering the process of pondering, I decided two posts were needed. When asked, I always pick "bad news first, good news second"...I'd rather start down and end up. So look forward to a celebratory post to come...but this isn't it....

The most obvious disappointment of 33 (and the focus of most of this post) is on the career front. In a week, I become one of the 99ers....unemployed long enough that my benefits all expire. I do have my little writing gig (that will be in 33, Part 2), but I haven't found a full-time job. I feel exhausted by the job search. I apply to many jobs each week, some that I'd truly love and others that might work for now. I don't hear back much, though I get totally jazzed when I do and start dreaming and planning and thinking about how perfect that job would be. Good for showing enthusiasm, not so good for the let-down if it falls through.

I feel like my education and career background has been a huge hindrance in this. I went to a top college. I went to a top law school. I do NOT want to be a lawyer (I have a lovely speech about that topic...) but people get stuck on that. I have expressly heard hiring folks say they thought I'd be underwhelmed by certain jobs b/c of my background. I have no big ego. I get that I'd be entry-level in some jobs and I am cool with that. I'd love to find and build the RIGHT career and I can pay my dues. I would absolutely come and stay with the right job. Getting paid helps, but I am not primarily motivated by money. I had the high-paying job that made me miserable and I want something more intangible. But I don't get the chance (see this post for one of the harder rejections....but there were many more).

And now I'm also prepared to take a non-career-path job too. I do have savings and MM has never complained about paying the vast majority of the bills. But it matters to me that I help with some when I can and that I pay for my personal expenses (groceries, drug store, cell phone, insurance, lingering medical bills). I have savings...I won't starve....but I do need some cashflow. But, again, I have the stumbling block of my resume. Approaching 34, I can't leave it all blank but I know the supermarket is going to pick the high-school kid over the applicant with the BA and the JD. Truth -- on some of those jobs, I really couldn't promise that I won't leave when I find a career-path job. But I'd be a darn good worker (and there's no reason to suspect the career to pop up tomorrow when it hasn't yet). I'd be on time. I'd do my job. I'd be helpful. I'd be polite. I'd respect the managers, even if they are younger than me. I don't know how long that 17 year-old plans to stay either. I'd at least be courteous and give notice rather than not showing up one day.

I look hard. I've networked, I've made targeted resumes, I've applied, I've followed-up. Heck, I went to an interview one week post-op AND prepared a presentation for it (most people can only get out of bed for 20min at a time at that point)!! I feel defeated. Truly, that's the biggest thing missing from my thirty-third year. And the one I'm finding it the hardest to deal with.

Moving on....I am not thrilled with where 33y50w has me in terms of body image. Or, frankly, in terms of body/fitness. That one, however, I feel more able to tackle. A lot of it relates to the aftermath of major surgery (also to be included in Part Two since it IS a positive) and is somewhat expected. I am finally getting ready to start physical therapy and have a consult late tomorrow afternoon. I plan to ask about being able to start getting some muscle back on my own in addition to the work with the therapist and I know that will be a HUGE step forward for me. Losing definition has been tough on me and send me into a cycle where I feel icky and then respond by eating and then feel ickier. I think being able to work on getting the muscle back will help break that. It won't happen overnight, but it WILL happen. Fitness level is in the negative column for 33 but I see it moving into the positive for 34.

There are some other disappointments in 33...a misunderstanding leading to a lost friend is one...but those are the biggies. So, there's part one...the bad news. Not fun but now I get to look forward to assembling part 2. And 33 had some pretty awesome stuff too.

Black Friday Special: 3 Book Reviews (Let the Great World Spin, The World to Come, Attachments

2011-11-25T17:50:00.000-05:00

I confess...I'm waiting on four freebie books (3 Harper, 1 Goodreads contest) and was sad the mail-lady didn't bring any today. I used to regularly mix in re-reads but haven't lately given the Harper books and the deals I can score on Amazon's used books. I'll venture down to the shelves tonight though, especially since I have three newly read books to bring down.

Let the Great World Spin by Colum McCann

The tie that binds the characters in Let the Great World Spin is a daring (and illegal) stunt in which a man walked on a tightrope strung between the Twin Towers in 1974. The book has a wide-range of characters including two Irish brothers living in a rough Bronx neighborhood, a wealthy woman who lost her son in Vietnam, and a prostitute who is a grandmother to two despite only being in her 30s. The chapters focus on different characters but they do connect up to each other so it feels more liked linked vignettes than short stories.

I'm landing back on my 3.5 star rating here, rounding up to 4. I enjoyed the book. I think it is natural in this type of novel to find some characters more compelling than others and I did sometimes regret not spending more time with some of them. This isn't a happy read, although there are some inspiring moments. I'd call it gritty realism with a hint of hope. At times, I felt like it dragged but there were parts where I definitely looked forward to the next time I could pick it up. Mixed feelings but still worth the read and I rounded up because I do think the author shows skill and took on an ambitious project that is not just the standard fare.

The World to Come by Dara Horn

This book has a bit of history in it. In 2001, a small piece by Chagall was stolen from the Jewish Museum in NYC during a singles happy hour. The author takes this theft and creates a fictional story around it. The story does include some history, including a look at Chagall's life in Russia in the 1920s and an author with whom his path crossed but whose future turned out very different than Chagall's successful career. The fictional art thief is a recently divorced man with a rich family history that the reader sees as the focus shifts among a number of focal characters. Throughout, there is a backdrop of Yiddish folklore, including a lovely story about the divot between a baby's nose and upper lip (I wonder if I'm alone in repeatedly touching my own lip dimple while reading).

This is a strong four stars for me, possibly even four and a half. It is a complex novel in that there are many interrelated characters, but it also feels like a simple little story at the same time. I loved Horn's writing and the weaving of the folklore through the tale. It is a rare novel that can make me root for an art thief (not that I condone his actions....though they do get placed in context)! A great mix of historical fiction and modern characters that I enjoyed immensely. Recommend to literature lovers, especially any with a curiosity about folklore and the way we carry the past with us.

Attachments by Rainbow Rowell

It is unusual for a novel that borders on chick-lit to have a male lead and perhaps that's why I'm not sure if the chick lit label fits here. I saw another review calling it a plane read and I can get behind seeing it as plane or beach fare. The book is set in 1999 when a Midwest paper is tentatively moving into the digital age and hires an IT security guy tasked with keeping an eye on internet usage more than on our more modern concerns of online privacy invasion. Lincoln's job includes reading flagged emails and issuing warnings on misuse, including the use of email for personal chats. He finds himself wrapped up in the emails exchanged by two women (all the main characters seem to be late 20s) and continues to read the emails without sending a caution and with increasing guilt over the invasion as he finds himself falling for one of the women. The novel encompasses all three as they grow into the next stage of their lives negotiating family, relationships, and potential parenthood.

This is a three star read for me. I think it does what it should and what it is intended to do. It is a fun book and you can forgive some of the magic that is often associated with rom-com movies. Nothing too deep but enjoyable. I enjoy sometimes taking a break from more serious reads and this fit the bill but it also isn't quite on the level of Good in Bed or Bridget Jones.

gratitude 2011

2011-11-21T11:44:00.000-05:00

I confess....I am compulsively early. In college, it was pretty much the norm to be late and I recall one friend saying she tried really hard to be on time w/ me because she knew being 10 minutes late meant I'd been there for 20. In one organization, they told people to put "1:50" on their calendars for a 2PM meeting. They told me to put 2:10.

So, a pre-turkey gratitude post. I am focusing on the past 12 months rather than just the world in general so don't expect the more general "having food to eat" stuff. I AM grateful for such things, but I want a more specific focus. And bullet-points.

In 2011, I am grateful for:

Finding MM. There's so much I could put here but I'm gonna limit myself and go with the moment I said I was jealous of the backrub he was giving the host at a NYE gathering and the "Don't worry, you're next" response. We'd talked a bit earlier in the evening and the first kiss didn't come till the next night (we go with 1/1 as the official marker...the backrub was well after midnight) but that's when it really started.
My mom "letting" me go to move in with MM even though it was crazy fast but more because I know she and my step-dad would always take me back in if it hadn't worked.
My dad for answering all the million medical questions and for him and my step-mom babysitting me when I first got out of the hospital.
My bones for growing. I see horror stories of surgeries failing and knowing that bone growth was happening was a relief. Hopefully next year I'll be grateful for being "fully fused" (i.e. the bones have grown all the way and the surgery was a success) and for the pain being a memory.
Centre County, PA. Despite the press deluge on our area recently, I really like it here. It is such a friendly place...our mail-lady chased us down so I didn't miss a package once and several people came to help when my car got stuck after some snow.
Fireballs. Yes, they make the list. Think jalapeno poppers but in pizza dough.
Risotto Cakes. I'll stop at two food nods. MM uses credit card points for Omaha Steaks orders and we added these since I'm not a big red meat gal. They are freakin' awesome.
A home treadmill. Yes, it is an odd one to include (though pairs well with the food), but I really love having it. It has been especially helpful in recovery since going to the gym and being able to only do a slow walk would have been even harder for me and having full cable (only about 10 channels at my gym and obv do have to consider other folks) is really helpful when I'm on the "long and slow" route.
Electric fireplaces. I've never had one before and didn't really "get" the concept but it totally keeps the living area warm without turning up the oil heat. It is pretty too....not quite the same as a "real" fire but it also avoids having to leave the flue open and losing heat after plus it is super easy.
The fact that I can say I have been paid to write. It isn't fancy, just ghost-writing for an attorney's blog (personal injury focus but also branching out) and the style is dictated by the forum, but it totally still counts.
People who actually read my blog. Love that the number of followers went up a bit and know other folks click over from FB or use blog reader apps.

I inevitably think of other things to say after I hit post. No promises that I won't come back and edit. But I'll throw in a catchall and note that I'm thankful for the things and folks I've found in the past year that enrich my life and I think the best things are sometimes the ones we don't even think to list.

bullet-points are addictive

2011-11-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

I confess...I totally go into bullet-point withdrawal:

Thanks to a friend who suggested me as her replacement, I am ghost-writing a lawyer blog. It ain't fancy, just three posts a week for a personal injury lawyer out in CA, but I'm actually able to say that I am being paid to write! Totally one of my dreams...even if it is in a very lay audience style and hampered by the need to include search engine friendly phrases that don't always feel natural.
Weaning out of my brace sounded so wonderful. I could not WAIT to be free of it (though decided it would not burn well and I couldn't have a brace bonfire). I was NOT ready though for feeling like I'm back in the early weeks of recovery. It makes sense that I'd have pain and spasms and my back wakes up, I just hadn't thought it through. Not fun.
Also not fun...sinus issues. I thought a half-developed cold was to blame but it took a break and returned so I'm not so sure. MM uses a saline sinus rinse but I'm a bit chicken about trying it myself (and would need to buy my own since it sounds even worse than sharing a toothbrush).
Gingerbread marshmallows are AWESOME but can never again be bought by me since they disappeared in two days. But, if you have self-control, totally try them
This post is on my mind. I am refraining from a too early check-in on year 33 (though that post was a bit pre-turning 33 itself). A lot of great changes, but still waiting on one big one.
Funny how events turn. I was dumped from a job recently for having the nerve to ask about salary or non-traditional hours (even though I agreed to EVERYTHING in the end and only insisted on seeing paperwork...see ramble here). That job involved young children. So, of course, the next job I get in the process for (beyond just an app...millions of those) involved convicts. And, yes, parental types, I will make sure it is all safe and secure if I'm chosen for an interview beyond my 10min intro convo.
Still fascinated by the PSU story, more than I feel like I should be. I think the tension b/w legal and moral duty is part of it. As for Sandusky's interview where he admitted showering w/ kids, lots have questioned how a lawyer let that happen. Well, the lawyer was once representing a teen girl in an emancipation proceeding and ended up having a sexual affair with her. Started when she was 16 (legal in PA, apparently, which continues my legal/moral divide), she had his kid at 17 and did marry him years later and had 1 more before they split).
It feels like eons ago, but I saw Herman Cain's conference on the harassment claims and was surprised to see a familiar face. His attorney had joined my firm about a year before I left. He'd previously had a small practice that included several high power media-related cases. I wondered how the case got approved by a big firm machine and found out he'd since left the firm. The cool wrinkle...one of the three partners was a friend and office-neighbor of mine at the firm. She's a liberal who got me involved in NARAL and who is now a Democratic member of the GA State House.
We get a crazy number of wrong number calls on our new-ish home line. And they are for at least 5 different people....several from collection folks. Sixty percent are machines that never have a "you have the wrong folks" option.
MM and I shall have our own Thanksgiving this year. I haven't reserved a turkey but was glancing yesterday. I'd hoped they had a stand-alone turkey breast but only found full turkeys and cutlets. He's the cook but I may be the shopper and I'm not sure what I'll get....leftovers are normal but a whole turkey's leftovers, esp since I'm not a huge fan of actual turkey and freakishly like turkey cold cuts but not roasted turkey, after only 2 diners is a bit much. I plan to make my mom's lox/smoked salmon rolls as an app and might get my act together enough to make a cheesecake too. The secret crust ingredient is Zwiebacks, the biscuits often used for teething tots.

Not-So-Happy Valley

2011-11-11T21:04:00.000-05:00

I confess...I am captivated by the story, much more than I'd have imagined. I live just outside State College. The region is known as Happy Valley but there's truly nothing happy in this saga and, November weather aside, the town feels very gray and somber. Beyond a quick sports score report, our local stories are rarely national news. Until this week when the story of football coach Jerry Sandusky repeatdly abusing young boys hit the news. The story became more involved when it became clear that other university representatives were aware of the situation, including Joe Paterno ("Joe Pa" to the town), the head coach of the football team, a legend in college sports and an idol in this town.

Of course, my heart aches for the victims of this abuse. It went on too long. Even one innocent life disrupted is too many. There are currently nine victims listed and there is little doubt that there are many more out there. The evidence, including two separate eye-witness accounts by adults who observed blatant sexual abuse, is pretty convincing. I do believe in our presumption of innocence, but I have a hard time thinking that this many stories are all false. Other than a few purporting to reserve judgment until everything is heard, I have only heard condemnation for Sandusky. The outrage at the allegations is just. It is cases like these that make me wish we had truly harsh penalties for serial child abusers (i.e. you misused "it", we're gonna cut it off). Okay, I wouldn't want that system most days, but I can't deny feeling like jail would be too easy.

When you get beyond Sandusky, I do think it gets more complex. I took a course called Higher Education & The Law and I know that there are very complex rules that govern colleges and universities. These rules can be especially detailed with a large university such as PSU. It seems clear that Joe Paterno was informed of the abuse on at least two occasions by direct eye-witnesses. These weren't "iffy" cases, like a hug that lingered too long, and the reports were clear. In turn, Paterno reported the incidents to his superiors. This is, from what I can tell, what the rules dictated. Although there may be added wrinkles given that children were involved and child abuse does have some strict reporting guidelines, it seems like Paterno did follow the letter of the law. Moral duty is a whole different question and I do think his failure to go beyond the reporting scheme likely allowed Sandusky's actions to claim more victims.

I can see an argument for staying within the rules, a trust that they work and an attempt to avoid any potential false claims even though that does not feel likely to be happening here. Even when someone is fully cleared, I doubt they can ever recover their reputation after a false allegation of sexual misdeeds, especially with a child. I don't think this excuses anyone but I do think it merits note. It seems to me that Joe Pa should have done more, but that the people to whom he reported bear even more of that responsibility.

I understand the decision to fire Joe Pa. Even more, I understand the decision to fire the University President. Several in the middle resigned. I think that would have been a smarter (and nobler) move for all. PSU seems to have given them the chance and only acted when it became clear they didn't plan on it (Joe Pa said he'd retire at the end of the season). I do not condone the violence in some student protests, but I can also feel a bit for the students. Most of the protesters have been peaceful. They are 20 year old kids whose idol was just ripped out from under them. They want to still believe in him. He did a lot for the team and for the school and, in a way only young people can, they feel this vivdly. I do not think they are demeaning the victims...none are protesting in favor of Sandusky. I think they just feel like Joe Pa, a beloved figure, is being made a scapegoat. He followed the rules and that is what they see. Beyond that, it is complex and they may not be ready to take it all in. They want to believe in Santa, even after seeing presents in the closet.

And that idolization leads me to another thought. I've heard some people say "this isn't about football, it is about abuse." Of course, it is about abuse. There's no question there and no question that nothing can give back to the victims the innocence they lost. But, it IS about football too. It is about idols and heroes. It is about the power we place in the hands of the few. The degree to which people worship the team and its leadership is a big issue here. It is always hard for victims to come forward. Especially children. Especially boys. This is exponentially increased when the abuse is perpetrated by people in power. Sandusky was seen as a "great" and the full package. He was not only an athletic leader but also a mentor dedicated to helping young people succeed. This gave him access and granted him more silence. It is hard to speak against a hero and even harder to speak against someone you are told is providing opportunity to so many young people. This makes the analogy to the church abuse scandals feels very apt. This story is about football because it is football, and the community work that grew out of his football career, that gave Sandusky power. It gave him the silence of his victims and no doubt also made it harder for the eye-witnesses to report the crimes. A winning and loved coach versus a janitor, in a town that worships sport and loves idols.

Taking a pretty big tangent onto the sport....I also feel awful for the members of the team. In general, I think high-level college athletes are spoiled. I'm not a fan of the amount of glory (and, in ways that sneak around rules, fiscal reward) we give to the college football elite. But these kids certainly have worked hard to excel at their sport and, for lack of an eloquent way to put this, it just stinks that their college sports career will be forever marred by this story. It will be a tough remainder of the season and their football days will always be associated with events over which they had no control. They are certainly not to blame.

There are talks of boycotts. Others seem even more likely to attend this week's game because they view it as a way to show support for Paterno. I admit I'll be interested in seeing how the Saturday game unfolds, both in the stands and on the fields. Of all the suggestions I've seen on how the community should respond, my favorite involves fans still attending the games (assuming they'd have gone prior) but wearing black to show grief for the abuse victims (others say blue but that doesn't feel like a strong message to me since it is "normal" for fans to don blue and white).

There's a lot of emotion in this story and a lot of emotion in this town. Legacies will be altered by the story, sports history will be written about these days. The town and the school need time to process and time to grieve. Tee-shirts have long advertised a city that Bleeds Blue and White. There are wounds, especially given that the school often prided itself on a team that did right in addition to winning games. I think the strength of the community will, however, let it move ahead. It will heal.

As for the victims, I doubt they can ever fully heal and they cannot be given back what they lost. But I hope they find help and find their feet. Maybe that's actually the best way forward...for the school and the community to show support for ALL victims of abuse. There is little that is better for the spirit than a united cause. I hope the community can use all this energy and all the spirit behind it to help prevent future abuse and help victims find support and guidance.

Go Bones, Go!!

2011-11-11T16:51:00.001-05:00

I confess....I am actually interested in chatting about the child abuse story that is focused right in my backyard, but I do want to do a quick health update too so y'all may be getting two posts back-to-back. I know, you are excited. My blog traffic is down according to the "stats" button on my "Dashboard" but I've been told that may miss folks who view it through readers. Not sure if that's the case and I do get a kick out of higher view numbers, but I also find the blog pretty useful for collecting my thoughts regardless. That's semi-honest.

Anyway, I do like that I will be able to look back on the back journey and also may be able to refer others here who are facing similar challenges. I had my 3 month follow-up appointment on Wednesday. As a quick refresher, I had an anterior lumbar interbody fusion at L5/S1 (a low back spinal fusion that went through the belly) on 8/8/11. It followed a couple years of increasing pain and failed attempts to use injections and physical therapy to remedy it. The doc reported that the disc was one of the worst he's seen in years, significant given that he regularly does multiple fusions a week and a validation that the pain was quite real.

My mental chant has been "Go bones, go!" since the bones need to fuse themselves over the inserted cages. The first month appointment was too early to tell much so I was anxious to see the x-rays this time and THRILLED to see "new bone" growing. This is VERY good news and a sign that I will eventually "fully fuse" which makes the operation successful and hopefully remedies the pain. The full fusion takes a year but it is encouraging to see it is going in the right direction. The surgeon was very pleased with the status.

I do still have a good bit of pain but the doc was not concerned. It has been more focused on the lower back in the past weeks which scared me. I was more certain it was my body adjusting when it was full spine and this felt too much like my "old" pain. But the doc was not concerned. I am going to wean off wearing my brace over the next two weeks and then he'll send an order to start physical therapy. The PT will focus on strength and stretching related to the operation but the doc said that PT can also give me tips on getting back into weight training more generally which is great. I miss my triceps!

I will pretty definitely have a scar. It is a little bigger than "four fingers" and between my navel and bikini line. A bit jealous of my wise back buddy (met her on a forum, she's a couple years younger but we have a LOT in common....she had a similar surgery about 3w later and is also a fitness person so we can relate a lot) who actually asked for and got a horizontal incision that is low enough for coverage in swimwear. Mine is vertical. It is still red but the doc says it will turn white. It's funny, the first time I wore a bikini in my life was at age 27. I'm not at my happy weight these days so the excuse to turn in the two-piece is not such a horrid thing and it certainly is not an everyday public area so it could be much worse. The incision pain was HORRID the first few days but that did disappear pretty quickly and the itching calmed over time.

So, good news all around. Still feeling frustrated with the pain and the limitations but it helps to know it is all going in the right direction. Progress is being made, I'll get to make more progress with PT etc., and there WILL be a day when this is all in the past. Thanks to all who have shared support and sent good thoughts. I can't express how valuable it has been to have a cheering section!

Books, The Women & Power Edition: An American Wife (Sittenfeld) and Pope Joan (

2011-11-07T10:59:00.000-05:00

I confess...I' often amused to find that I go on unintentional theme sprees with my reading. The two books I'm reviewing today are VERY different but both have women protagonists and both involve positions of power. They are very different, but I like the theme and would love any suggestions for other books in the same vein.

An American Wife by Curtis Sittenfeld (side note: Curtis is a woman....just FYI)

I very deliberately avoided this book for a long time. I get nervous about the "big book of the month" and it just didn't intrigue me. That all changed though when a fellow blogger (Julie) mentioned it as a possible reading selection. I hadn't thought about it in a long time but suddenly the recap that specifically mentioned a woman with very different political views than her husband, whose career revolved around those ideals. As you know, I'm a liberal pacifist who fell totally in love with a conservative military guy. I ordered it even before it "won" the vote on Julie's site.

Sittenfeld admits the book takes the life of Laura Bush as its starting point (and I'm saying more about plot points b/c they have not been held secret). She suggests it is all fiction, just with big mileposts that are the same as the former First Lady, and I'm in no position to judge how much it overlaps in terms of personality etc. Alice is a young woman growing up in Wisconsin. She has some liberal tendencies and some family issues, but she's a pretty typical teen until a car accident where she is driving results in the death of a classmate. Alice ends up leaving town for college, pursuing a library/education career, and eventually ends up (in her early 30s) meeting a man from a well-known family who has some political ambitions. They marry fast, have a child, and the book follows them as Alice adjusts to (and is somewhat uncomfortable in) a posh suburban lifestyle with a very challenging extended family. After a bout with drinking and questionable behavior, her husband becomes very religious and grows professionally as he moves from the family business to owning a baseball team to serving as Governor and later President. Through it all, Alice questions how she can be so in love with him and yet disagree with so much of what he stands for as their different political views becomes more prominent.

I enjoyed this book. I'm giving it 3.5 stars but easily rounding up to 4. It wasn't great literature, but a fun "guilty pleasure" read. I liked watching Alice adjust to her changing surroundings and seeing her try to feel okay living a country-club life while her heart was often tugged by stories of those less fortunate. The vast majority of the book is set in their pre-White House years and I would have liked a bit more about her adjustment to life in such a unique environment. I appreciated that Alice fought to balance being a supportive partner with her own beliefs and related to the struggle to understand how to retain her own views while her spouse pursued a career that had some very different underpinnings.

Recommended as an easy and fun read that is someplace between "chick lit" (which I totally think has its time and place) and "serious fiction"....though probably much more of a woman's read than a man's.

Pope Joan by Donna Woolcraft Cross

I'd never heard the story of Pope Joan prior to picking up this book. I really haven't done any research, beyond reading the notes at the end of the novel's text, so I can't comment on how likely it is that a woman held the papacy for a brief period in the 800s. The author suggests evidence does favor the existence of a female pope and a later attempt to cover-up the embarrassment. She also includes many events that are supported by the history books making it fit the historical fiction genre even if the ultimate storyline is not fully agreed upon,

In the ninth-century, "female" has a lot of negative context and women are expected to remain uneducated and to submit fully to the wills of fathers and husbands. Joan bristles against authority from a young age, seeking out learning despite being harshly punished by her father for it (and blamed for the death of a much-beloved son). Joan eventually escapes from her father and is able to attend school as a female while living with the family of Gerold, the only man that really stirs desire in Joan and one who supports her desire to learn. As Joan's education is ending and she is facing the more traditional role of women in her time, a Viking attack provides her with an opportunity. She assumes the identity of a slain brother and begins to live as a man. This life takes her to a monastery, a life as a healer, and, eventually (as the title tells you so I'm not considering it a spoiler), the papacy.

I enjoyed this very much. I thought the author did a great job showing that the decision to live as a man did open doors for Joan (aka John) but also came at some sacrifice. While the time period worked against Joan in many ways, the dislike of the body meant it was usually pretty easy for Joan to keep her secret and there are only a few times when her sex is close to being revealed. In general, Joan enjoys life as a man but she clearly feels limited in her ability to push for things, such as schooling for girls, that were contrary to the beliefs of her day. There is also a love story weaved in. It is not the focus of the book but it does give Joan pause and makes her question what her heart wants and whether the sacrifices are worthwhile. I didn't always care for some of the battle stories but they were in place and necessary. It moves at a good pace and I was able to buy into the times when a lot of lucky coincidence saves Joan's secret and her life.

I'd recommend this book to folks intrigued by secrets and by life in a very different time. I am not a history buff but I am interested in "everyday life" in different eras....this book had both. I expect more women will pick it up, but I do think it can hold appeal for both genders.

tough week, but trying some positive thoughts too

2011-11-05T11:40:00.002-04:00

I confess...it has been a hard few weeks....

First, there's the job front. I'd applied for a job and had two interviews. They'd pressed for a number from me on salary and I gave one eventually but said, honestly, that it was not the sole element for me. I really want to have a job I enjoy more than I need a certain number right now. The next week, they said they'd loved me but could not afford me. I called and said the number was just a number and I really could look at any offer.

So, they made an offer. I've heard so often about how women are paid less b/c they fail to ask (Women Don't Ask) and I think that a bit of negotiating is normal so I did ask for a dollar per hour more. They came back a couple days later and said no. So, I said I'd take the number (it WAS really low but I did genuinely think it would be a great fit and I might like it and be of value). I asked if they could do some hours-shifting and maybe have only a 30m lunch-break and leave early one day. I said, several times, that this was NOT a deal-breaker but I wanted to check. I also asked to look at any contracts etc.

It took well over a week. I sent another email saying I really wanted to make it formal, reiterating the hours were not a deal-breaker, and asked again about paperwork. Since I agreed to everything they asked, I really thought it was fine. Three days later, they pulled the offer. Having been in hiring, I know they worry I'd leave fast but my resume reflects long-term stays so that's a bit unfair. And the fact that it took forever to hear back really upset me.

On the personal side, X is engaged. And has been since July. I am a bit pissed he didn't tell me himself. We're not really friends these days but it feels like it would have been a courtesy to not have me find out from a random mention by a shared friend. The fact that it is the girl he dated before me also feels weird. He got engaged almost exactly a year after I moved out. It just makes me feel like the eight years were really all false.

I have learned that it was NOT the right relationship for me. I am VERY much happier with MM. But I had all good intentions and I just feel like X didn't. All his "complaints" were there from day 1 but he hadn't wanted to leave b/c he felt bad leaving when I got sick and then later felt like he didn't want to break up and knew I didn't want to more w/o it being official so he proposed. Going back to the girl before me (who fit may things I didn't) just makes it feel more like he DID know it wasn't right and never really liked me for me. I'll avoid going too much further on those thoughts in public, even without names. I can admit that X was right on paper and wrong in practice. And, in some ways, he'd say the same thing. But I just feel like I didn't see it while he did....like he knew I wasn't the right one but didn't act on it till too late. It feels like a lot of false-ness.

Which is emotionally hard. I do NOT want to go back. I totally LOVE my current guy and he loves me, for who I am. This is NOT about him at all and I hope he "gets" that this mess in my head is NOT about that. It is about processing my past. And I know I'm not being totally fair to X. Of course, this is all from my viewpoint. I am the one who "defriended" on FB. I really found it unhealthy to see each other's daily updates and think that was a normal decision, not one that justifies a lack of courtesy. And he probably did have better intentions in our life together than my head says right now. But it is what's been in my head.

Anyway...

Let's list some GOOD things:

I DID get to fulfill a goal this week. Thanks to a friend who had to stop doing it, I am writing a couple blog posts a week for an attorney via a legal blogger service. It isn't fancy and it is all ghost-writing but I can officially say I got paid to write. Not much money, but I'm excited anyway.
I got "sheet suspenders" with a bit of doubt. I had flannel sheets that I loved for cold weather. MM's mattress is the right size but is extra-thick. It really needs sheets made for that, esp with two regular sleepers...he had been okay with regular Queen sheets alone but the corners popped off all the time (I'm a flipper when I am getting to sleep and I kick when I'm sleeping so I'm a challenge). The suspenders work great though. The sheets stay on fine and I love getting in a warmer bed and not the chill of regular sheets as it gets cold.
I made dinner last night. This is always impressive. I had to add some extra V8 juice to the sauce (it is the base) and that cut back a lot on the flavor in my Mexican Chicken, but it still turned out well. I also tried roasted chickpeas...I wasn't a fan but MM liked them a lot so that made me happy.
We're getting some sunny and warm-for-November weather. Always a plus for me since I'm def not a fan of the cold.
My three month follow-up is next week. I do still have more pain than I'd imagined at this point, but I also do feel like I am seeing progress. I am hopeful for good news when they see my x-rays....go bone growth, go!!
My eye doc (still VERY near-sighted but no changes and healthy eyes even if they suck) told me that near-sighted folks have IQs than regular or far-sighted folks. My guess is that we needed to have smarts to survive THIS blind. She wondered if it was b/c we read more since it was all we could see but also noted it could have some random genetic tie.
MM rocks. I am so lucky to have him. Thank you for everything MM. You make me feel so valued and loved and I just think you are awesome and I am proud to be able to call you my guy.

Trick or Treat: Halloween Memories, Bullet-Pointed (of course)

2011-10-30T15:47:00.000-04:00

I confess...I couldn't pass this thought up once it popped in my head during my walk. I'd been pondering past Halloweens AND bullet points are always my style....

TRICK (or my less fond Halloween memories)

When I bought my Atlanta house (April or May), one of the things I was most looking forward to was my first Halloween as the home owner. I'd manned the door in HS but lived on campus in college and my law school rentals, like the apartment I had my first year in ATL, were not in a trick-or-treat area. I planned my day out to leave early and had my bowl ready. Of course, my boss called at 4. She insisted an item needed doing now, although when I put it on her desk at 7:30 she was gone for the night and I totally could have done it the next AM before she got it. Missed my first house-owner Halloween and got harassed by some older teens boys on the way to my car.
I did get to man the door another time in ATL. My neighborhood had mostly 3BR homes...the master suites were huge but the other rooms so I expected mostly littler kids as they weren't really sized for older kids. I had my light still on since I knew I hadn't seen one neighbor and got a big batch of teens (likely from a complex nearby). I'm a "here's the bowl, pick what you want" type and the five teen boys (no costumes) each took a HUGE handful without even a polite nod. But that's not what bugged me the most. At the back of the pack, two teen girls each had on a little mask and each carefully picked one candy and said "Thank you, Ma'am" (it's the South...you really can't get offended by Ma'am). I wanted to bring them in and explain to them they should find better boys.

TREAT (Halloween smiles)

We moved to PA when I was entering fourth-grade. Our neighborhood had a lot of kids right at my age...mostly the "oldest" in the families given the time it was built so some a little younger too. There was a lot of farmland then (now there are more houses) and our area was one of the best suited so many kids had their friends come to our area. Totally great hauls as a kid and a lot of fun when I switched to door-duty....we seriously got 100 kids. Usually gave out the typical stuff but Mom and I made like 20 treat bags for the kids we knew better. Side note: I was actually back last year but I think it was the first year they got NONE...the same people own most of the homes and so the age factor has meant it trickled down and only sometimes got a few grandkids popping over at the end of the night.
One year in college, two friends and I decided to go to a neighborhood. We were VERY polite and joked with everyone that we knew we were old but liked candy (and went late enough that they had enough for the real kids). I was a witch...like I always was as a kid given the long dark hair. One friend was Nature (this fit her). The other wore the first-one's skirt up around her neck (a good six inch height difference and a flowy skirt = really long even at her neck)...we went back and forth as to whether she was "The Skirt" or "The Arm-less Wonder".
My Boston apt had very few kids but I still hurried home my first year there with some hopes. You were supposed to tape a pumpkin picture to your door if you welcomed treat-ers (indoor halls so no lights). I saw a mom and tot walking by my door just as I came out of the stairs. I called to them that I had my pumpkin and begged for a moment. Mom and son kindly let me run in, tape up the pumpkin, and even close the door so he could knock. He was my only one but he was cute and so patent and totally worth it.
I had the pumpkin kit and the pumpkin for a bit before I got the guts to carve it. Just not a part of my childhood and I was convinced I'd mess it up. In ATL, a new neighbor held a carving party...I attended but passed off carving duties since I was intimidated since I knew she was a children's book illustrator....which was silly of me since they rocked. Anyway, I needed a distraction one day last week so dove in. I present Tom (b/c EVERYONE calls the turkey Tom and I'm unique)

(I can't indent w/ a new bullet...) I actually "messed up" and left it thicker than recommended but was glad b/c those arms threatened to snap. Thank you to MM for the pic (my phone makes calls....that's pretty much it). Oh, and the oddness is Vaseline which the Internet said would help prevent rot.
I also did toast up Tom's seeds...I went online for suggestions but ended up winging it based on what we had and what we like (read: garlic and a few types of pepper). They turned out REALLY good. I made MM tell his parents since his Dad thinks I should learn to be domestic and mt using the oven is always a rare event
When I went to toss out the pumpkin innards, this was at the door: http://gifts.personalcreations.com/flowers/Costumed-Halloween-Plush-Bear-30055896?ref=PCRorganicgglgeneric_ipersonal+crations&viewpos=6&trackingpgroup=PHALLOW. Well, mine says my name instead of Ryan...that would be odd.

Happy Halloween all!! I'm told we only get a handful here but I'm still excited. I have silly little window clings that are too small for the big window and Tom will move to the porch.

ugly in pink

2011-10-27T12:30:00.000-04:00

I confess...I initially thought it was just the jealousy. I've talked before about how I have a bit of ribbon-envy. Endometriosis is a life-altering condition that simply seems to be ignored while other diseases get the front page treatment. Breast cancer is certainly one of those. I see the pink ribbons and I DO understand it is important to dedicate time and money to researching and educating folks, but I also feel like it is presented as the only disease out there. I want my ribbon.

So, I think I noticed the increase in pink more than others might. It just seems like, especially in October, EVERYTHING is pink and ribboned. I also began to feel increasing skepticism about it. Envy aside and other things in the products being equal, I would pick a product that donates money to breast cancer or another cause over one that simply goes to corporate coffers (I also like small companies, but that's another issue). But the pinkification of products makes me very skeptical about how many are truly genuine in their motives.

I've read a few articles lately that confirmed my suspicions. Pink has become a trend and a marketing ploy, not always a genuine cause. I think there are some attempts at charity-development that are well-intentioned but poorly executed and those frustrate me. But the companies that knowingly play on sympathies...I don't even have the words. I may have ribbon envy, but the outright deception is horrid.

I know there is SO much that needs the attention of marketing regulators, but I hope this is high on their lists and I hope there's a crackdown coming. I believe that consumers need to be informed, both in terms of general purchasing and charitable giving but I think they need a little more help here. Charity Navigator does some of this but I don't think they cover the marketing stuff, focusing more on donor-style giving (and are limited by their info resources).

I'd love a dedicated ribbon from a group that vets ribbons (pink and otherwise). I'd totally buy those products.

a literary feat: Tinkers by Paul Harding

2011-10-20T11:34:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm oddly nervous about writing a review of this book. I think it would get harder to do with time so I'm breaking my "double up" trend and writing it the day after finishing.

Tinkers is a short novel by Paul Harding. The novel's story itself is a good one, Harding had a lot of trouble finding a publisher and ended up with Bellevue Literary Press, a small joint that puts out fewer than ten books a year and has a focus on books that include medical issues. Tinkers marks the first time in thirty years that a small press book went on to win the Pulitzer Prize. I like that story.

On a superficial level, the book is about the final days of George Washington Crosby's life when his mind wanders randomly as he lies, surrounded by family, in a hospital-style bed set in his living room. The book wanders from George's own memories to the life of his father and even his grandfather. There are many scenes from before his birth, or that he simply wasn't present for, but this fits with an overall sense of interconnectedness. The book is VERY literary and many points reminded me of Whitman's Song of Myself, including some very clear references to the work. It is a meditation on life and time. There are plot-like stories but more of the book is turned over to philosophical musings (and, well, some sections on clock repair). There is also a lot in the book about illness and the bod including George's dying body, his father's epilepsy, and his grandfather's dementia (likely Alzheimer's).

I am torn between four and four-and-a-half stars (I guess the lack of half-stars on my rating sites is helpful here!). I fell into the language quickly and my first reaction was an appreciation of the language's beauty. I wanted to love it all the way through, but grew a bit tired as I made my way to the end. It is a book that requires patience and attention, not something you can read with a lot of background noise. Sentences can run VERY long and complex and many take a second look. It IS worth it...it IS beautiful. I am just not sure I gave it the attention it needed and I think I got impatient.

Conclusion...recommended for lovers of the written word who are willing to take the time to enjoy the beauty of language and truly give themselves over to the book.

fighting through a rough spell

2011-10-19T18:11:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm struggling lately.

I've talked pretty openly about my food and body demons. It was hard to hit "Publish Post" on my first post openly addressing my Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but I believe in living this fight openly. It is a lonely and overlooked condition but an all-too common one. I know I appreciate other women (and men, but I relate more to women) who share their fight because they make me feel less alone (hugs to Tina for a brave recent series on her fight). And it is a very lonely fight. A fight that is always present for me but goes in spurts where it is much easier. And others where it is much worse. I'm in the latter now.

I think there are a lot of reasons it acts up. I always have a bit of trouble as Fall sets in, though usually more in November than September or October. I also am definitely triggered by an interruption in my workout routine. Surgery and a long recovery where I am limited to some walking is a pretty darn big interruption. I get into a tough period where I am feeling bad about myself and feel like just giving in and seeking comfort in food. It is a nasty cycle that builds on itself.

I've put on some weight. It isn't dramatic. I'd lost a bit in 2011 and I am pretty much just where I was in December or so. That is a bit deceptive though since I have lost a good bit of muscle. There's nothing I can do about that and I try to keep in mind that I only get one shot at a proper recovery (and my bones fusing well) but I can always get my triceps back. I can say that over and over and I do know it is true, but it doesn't make watching my toned arms go mushy any easier. I almost slapped a girl who said this once (when I was a bit bigger), but a small gain really does feel more dramatic when you are at a small-to-average size.

I can't pinpoint what gets me out of these cycles. Sometimes, I do almost have to hit a bottom first, but it usually just stops. I know my best times are marked by consistency in my life overall but it really just seems like a magic wand is either there or missing. MM is being supportive. He doesn't really understand it, but I don't expect him to....no one who hasn't been there truly can.

BED and the physical aftermath is markedly different from other types of weight gain (not that those are easy). A BED lapse involves a mental place that is not the same as a normal spell of overeating, even emotional eating. It is an addiction. Giving in feels like a relief. Like freedom. Until it doesn't...but even the post-binge feeling is different from just the bloaty guilt after indulging too much.

I am fighting. I may falter in moments or days but I will keep fighting. A big part of the battle is just getting past each fall, allowing yourself to move on rather than dwell which leads to deciding it is all futile and easier just to give in. It is hard to avoid that.

So, I'm in a rough spot. But I am reminding myself it well end. And putting on my fighting gloves. I know it is worth it. I want to be "better" and have so many reasons to get there.

pondering woman-ness -- pro-sisterhood but never embracing my own

2011-10-14T18:23:00.000-04:00

I confess...I often wish I felt more deeply in tune with being a woman. I'd love to be more of an Earth Goddess. Not in the sense of growing out my leg hair (fine if you like it but I was beyond thrilled when I could finally shave after surgery) or wearing hippie-style skirts, but just more in touch with womanhood. I'm all for the "sisterhood" causes...I've written about letting women choose and believe in supporting women globally as they fight to be heard. But, I've just never FELT overly woman-like.

I'm not a girly-girl. I do love my pedicures and can obsess over my hair, but lack any interest in handbags, expensive shoes, make-up stores the size of stadiums, and purse-dogs. But I'm cool with all that. Despite what commercials seem to suggest, I don't think these traits define female-ness. What I want, what I wish I had, is more primal. It is a feeling of being in your physical self and appreciating the power of the female body.

I was never aching to start my period. It felt like a burden and I was mortified when my mom quickly called all our relatives to share the event. I didn't really even await the boob-fairy, although I've since often been annoyed she passed me over (seriously, dresses gape with space for assets I do not have and halter tops look boring with nothing to halter). Of course, the endometriosis battle complicates this as well. It is hard to love a body that turns on you of its own accord.

To be clear, I am very much a woman...this is NOT some sort of big announcement. I'm a straight woman, in a woman's body (and can't imagine the terror of feeling wrongly-assigned). I don't feel any envy for guys and carrying around all that extra stuff in your jeans seems like a nuisance. But, while I'll make pro-woman statements, I've just never felt the power in womanhood that some others seem to feel. I'm jealous of that. I'm jealous of women who can embrace the natural shifts in our hormones (some DO still happen, per my doc, despite me being on continuous hormonal birth control for the endo). I'm especially envious of women who can appreciate the female form. I can tell other women that our thighs are meant to be and that our bodies are programmed to carry extra fat because nature values us and our ability to nurture new lives. But I can't look at my own body with that framework as a dominant force.

I'm 33 so I'm not new to the whole womanhood game. And I think the women I have known who truly fit my model of "embracing the goddess" were that way even in their twenties. Heck, I met a young woman once who was sixteen and swore she could pinpoint when she ovulated and really enjoyed pampering herself when her cycle told her she should. I know some women come to their womanhood after child-bearing, but I also think there are plenty of women who choose not to have kids and still feel something I'm missing.

I do think being in a strong relationship has helped a bit....MM is very positive towards me in all ways when it comes to my body and having grown up with four older sisters means he is pretty understanding of the complexities of women. I also think it helps when I've been able to be active and seen my body show muscle while never being at all masculine (again, ladies, weights will NOT make you look like Arnold Schwarzenegger). I do believe every woman has a unique physique...we eventually need to admit what ours is...and that's where I feel I'm at my best body. Not being there, even if it does oddly mean being a bit softer which some call more feminine, doesn't help. But, even when I knew I was at my "right" place, I just never felt the deep connection that I've seen in other women.

I've been pondering this one for a few days and this is definitely more of a "on my mind" post than a post with a clear point or a solution. Just what I'm pondering this week.

book-it: The World We Found (Thrity Umrigar) and Someone Knows My Name (Lawrence Hill)

2011-10-14T10:59:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm probably the only kid who liked Book-It more for being recognized as a voracious reader than for the personal pan pizzas that were attached as rewards.

The World We Found by Thrity Umrigar

I was excited to see this book among those sent to me by Harper for review since I had enjoyed Umrigar's prior novel, The Space Between Us.

In her newest book, Umrigar again considers the lives of women in modern day India. Her main characters are a group of four Indian women who were close during their politically active college days but have drifted apart as they settled into their adult lives. One woman relocated to the US two decades prior and asks the others to return for a visit when she learns that she has a fatal brain tumor. Each woman has her own story about how she moved from a young radical into a more settled adult life. The most dramatic one, and the one about whom much of the plot revolves, is Nishta whose husband changed from a fellow dissident to a very devout Muslim and has kept her on an increasingly short leash. While the reader is clearly on Nishta's side and roots for her to break free of a life in which she feels trapped, the author does take effort to show her husband as well-intentioned and a believer rather than a caricature of a controlling "bad" guy. As the women prepare for their journey to the US, they each consider how their lives have unfolded and how much time has changed them.

I give this novel 4 of 5 stars. I do generally like the "multiple protagonist" style, although I do feel like I'd like to have explored some of the characters more. I also very much appreciated the attention paid to the Muslim husband and the care taken to avoid demonizing him, though it certainly doesn't paint the friendliest picture of the religion. Most of all, I love the reality of these friendships. They are deep relationships that will always be there and be fundamental despite the fact that only two of the women really see each other regularly -- this rings very real to me.

A solid read. Relatively quick but with a lot of heart and compelling, interesting characters.

Someone Knows My Name by Lawrence Hill

I decided a while ago to double up when I write reviews since I'd been plowing through books pretty fast. I do, however, wish I'd written this one right away. I'm a book-lover but I also have a very short memory for them and I wish I captured this one right after reading it.

In this novel, the protagonist, Aminita, reflects on her life from girlhood to old age. She spent her early years happily in an African village until she is taken by a group of slave traders. Her forced march to the sea and journey on a slave ship to the US was both especially upsetting and especially beautifully done. From the beginning of her journey, she is set apart from the other captives by her talent for language that often puts her in awkward proximity with her captors. Her life's journey takes her through an indigo plantation, life as a house servant, and other adventures before leading her to England where she helps the movement to end the slave trade (that's not a spoiler...we know her end-point from the start).

4 of 5 stars. I love the concept behind the title. It plays back at several different times but starts when she learns and repeats the name of other captives on the slave ship (from different villages so not known to each other). It shows the power behind being named and recognized as an individual, rather than just part of a mass that is not treated as human. The book does require buying in to the story of Aminita's life which I did struggle with at times...there are some amazing true tales of survival from former slaves, but it does still stretch belief at times. However, when I let that go, I really appreciated the depth and breadth of the story. I particularly appreciate novels that can show the humanity behind people who carried out horrid acts, which I found in this book.

Strongly recommended. It does have an inspirational tone of survival and triumph, but it is a dark topic so not a "fun" read.

Aside: I really wouldn't have thought it was written by a man if I didn't know. There's an early scene of Aminita having her first period (and earlier remarks on growing towards puberty) and a number of moments that really seem to be knowing of a woman's life (without being too focused on that fact).

(bullet) point-ilism

2011-10-12T18:16:00.001-04:00

I confess...I often spend treadmill time contemplating post titles.

I suppose it was time...last year I wore out on Bones and CSI, this year it is NCIS and House. The episode about Abby's history pulled me back to NCIS this week and MM enjoys it so it might still get watched, but I'm just no longer intrigued by either. My disinterest in The Good Wife is more puzzling since it is only the third season so it isn't the "Mad About You" issue (where shows outlive the interest in them) nor is it the time-slot switch since I watch On Demand.
More TV -- I love The Talk last season but they dropped two hosts without a single word this year and one of the new ladies is beyond grating. It still makes the treadmill watching routine but doesn't compel me to walk any extra to watch the end and I won't be surprised if it joins the "just suddenly dropped" crew.
Wearing a sweatshirt to the supermarket today meant the brace was hidden for the first time since surgery. This resulted in some odd glances as I struggled with soda cans. I'm used to hidden illness issues, but the visible brace has been helpful in putting others on notice that I'm not at the top of my game.
The long presidential season means fodder for the columnists and an even greater financial factor in a candidate's viability. I wish there was a way to institute a rule requiring that campaigns make a certain amount of charitable donations linked to the amount they spend campaigning (ideally nice non-controversial ones). I know there are forced speech issues and it isn't really viable, but I still like the concept.
We spent the weekend at an annual party with MM's extended family. A bit out of my element, but fun...and one relative cooks up funnel cakes every year so I had a happy belly. MM is also impressive at skeet-shooting once he gets warmed up. On another note, the stink bugs were INSANE. Seriously, DOZENS on the screen door (they do use a treatment that is pretty effective at keeping them outside). I was reading outside and had to call "uncle" when the kept dive-bombing me (and my book). Crazy. I could not survive them on a daily basis.
I'm definitely in a hard place in body-image terms. I tried a "diet" but gave it up and have had a lot of rebound-eating issues. I am trying to get them back under control and find the right place between being the diet mis-step and overeating. I do need to drop a bit to be at my happy place but I need to do it without mental harm. I should write a real post on this but I need to be feeling stronger before I can devote that energy to the topic to avoid triggers.
I loved the gorgeous weather we had the past week. The weather guys were totally on point when they noted there is a decent temperature drop ahead but that it was only getting the weather back to October norms. I feel like 2011 has been the year of nutty weather and was glad it finally manifested in a good way.
MM's family is politically very conservative. MM needs to respect my views but there's no reason to make it an issue with his parents so I stay quiet.The first time I mentioned my alma matter, Haverford, his dad remarked about its liberal bent. I replied with a comment on small class size. He's mentioned it a few times since and then finally said that he noticed I quite deftly managed to change the topic every time :)
We live near the local HS. We can hear the announcements, both daily and sport-oriented, but they sound pretty much like the adults on Charlie Brown. I was still happy to hear the announcer sounding excited after last week's football game. I'm no sports fan, but the poor kids had been 0 and 5 for the season...spectacularly so (35-10, 41-6, 51-0, 50-0, 56-11). An odd love for the small-town world and an underdog made me excited when last week's opponent was 1-4. Bellefonte won last week, 17-12, and I was happy for them. And their mommies. I get excited when I've seen a first-timer up at an MLB game because I imagine their mommies being so proud after years and years of carting them to practices and games.
On a more serious note...I've read that Topeka decriminalized domestic violence. To save money. Okay, there is still state law recourse but this is NOT the way to save money. I can think of other things to decriminalize instead (even if I don't partake....).

closing in on the two month mark

2011-10-05T19:15:00.000-04:00

I confess...I feel the need to post a quick update on my surgery but don't have a ton to say.

Saturday is the two-month mark since the operation. Honestly, it all just feels slow and frustrating. I'm still dealing with pain and feeling frustrated. I know I've come a long way since the immediate aftermath when I couldn't get out of bed alone or without tears, but it is hard to see the more recent progress. Intellectually, I knew it was a six month ordeal to recover...and a year to fully have the vertebrae heal...but it is tough in practice. My "baby biceps" and toned tris have pretty well disappeared, making me a bit more psyched than I'd usually be about soon switching to long sleeves. I'm also pretty much ready to torch my brace, which I'll have at least till my next follow-up appointment in another month (though I got one doc-okayed night off last weekend...so freeing but def had pain the next day from tensing unconsciously).

I try to focus on one big rule -- I get one shot at recovery and need to let my body do its thing. I can get the muscles back. The pain IS different than the pre-surgery pain which gives me confidence that it is "recovery-pain" and not "injury pain". Here's my SAT throwback...recovery hurt is to pain as student loans are to debt. No debt is great, but student loans are "good," productive debt. Recovery hurt is good, productive pain. My spine is still adjusting to the change, which makes sense when you replace mush with cages and encourage bones to grow.

The scale battle has also been an issue, but I'll save that for another post. Bottom line: Slow but steady, moving ahead even if only baby steps.

book review time: In the Woods (Tana French) and The Borrower (Rebecca Makkai)

2011-10-04T11:27:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm halfway through my next book so have been totally slacking on the book review portion of my blog.

In The Woods by Tana French

I feel like I start a lot of reviews with "I don't usually read X," but I'm doing it again anyway. I really think context is key in reviews since my preferences certainly impact my opinion. So...I don't usually read detective novels but this one sounded intriguing and had some strong reviews so I decided to give it a whirl.

There are two mysteries at play in In The Woods. The first happened twenty years prior when two twelve year olds vanished in a wooded area and a third was found clutching a tree and wearing bloodied sneakers with no memory of the events that left him there. In the current day, the boy has grown into a detective and is investigating the murder of a twelve year old girl in the same woods (he has changed his name and only his partner knows the link).

I'm falling back to my 3.5 stars. I'm rounding down simply because I wasn't compelled by the current-day story (which got more pages, though not more emotion). I was interested in the character of the detective and how his history impacted his life, but had some trouble suspending disbelief that he hadn't been "found out" in terms of his history as a victim. It is a solid detective story with interesting and unique characters but it just didn't hold me as well as I'd hoped. I am sure bigger readers of the genre would enjoy it more. For me, I knew I had to round down when I didn't feel interested in reading the twenty page preview of the next book (focused on another detective we "met" in this book) that followed the novel.

The Borrower by Rebecca Makkai

In contrast to my previous read, this book was pretty squarely up my alley. I definitely put being a reader high on my list of qualities that define me and I have a love for books about readers and books. I'd actually been looking out for a copy of this one (discounted/used) for a while and was very excited when it arrived.

The protagonist of The Borrower is a children's librarian who pretty much happened upon that line of work when she was looking to use an English degree (a bit of a nitpick here in that I have lots of friends who have gotten master's degrees to pursue library careers and didn't so much buy her falling into the work). The librarian feels a special attachment to one young patron who shows a love for books but has a very controlling mother who tries to limit his reading choices and sends him to a group intended to reverse suspected homosexual tendencies. One day, the librarian finds the young boy has run away and is hiding in the library and the two take off on a road trip.

As with many books that I've been anticipating, I did feel a bit let down with this one but I'm still happy to give it 4 of 5 stars. I enjoyed the young boy's character the most and felt a bit mixed on the librarian. I did appreciate that the narrator very much acknowledged she might ot have made the smartest choices. I do like my flawed characters, especially when they are a bit self-aware, and the book clearly didn't attempt to make her actions seem perfect or even heroic (she wants to be a hero, but knows she's a flawed one). There was a bit of writer-magic in the ending but it also didn't fall victim to the too perfect, all-wrapped-in-a-bow finale....I wasn't thrilled my the former but appreciated the latter. I'm rambling so will try to sum up...it isn't a book I'd put on a shelf-of-honor but it was a fun read for a book fan (and rewarded being well read with lots of references).

questions without answers...politics and weight

2011-09-30T12:18:00.000-04:00

I confess...I've re-started this post several times. I am having trouble working through my thoughts and I want to feel like I'm expressing myself well. I do have "PC police" voices in my head but it is actually much more about truly wanting to respect people. Part of why it is swirling in my head is all the emotions around the issues and wanting to be respectful of those.

Getting on topic, I've been thinking a lot about weight issues again as people raise them in the context of Chris Christie as a potential presidential nominee. I don't feel like I can get to many conclusions here, but I do have a few issues swirling in my head:

Is his size at all relevant to the candidacy?

While it is not always fair to correlate weight and health, I do think health is a relevant issue when picking our highest elected official. We want someone to be able to handle the physical toil of a 24/7 job. We don't want a leader unable to complete his/her term or hampered by illness. That part feels easy to me..except that weight is NOT always a sign of poor health (I'd worry about health issues in a fit pres too).
But, does it matter that the president is the face of our nation? I remember looking at the portraits lining high school classrooms and thinking presidents have gotten MUCH better looking over the course of history as media has invaded (Van Buren wouldn't make the cut now). And I think it sort of does matter that you present a good image. I do think Christie is still very polished and it is very much possible to look good and be larger. But it still lingers for me....maybe because our national image is definitely becoming linked with weight.
And does the president need to be a role model? I'm lost on this one. The "grow up to be president" idea is a big one and part of me does think that means being a good role model. But, then again, I think the person and the professional are separate roles. I didn't care too much if Clinton was a bad husband...I wouldn't want him as a spouse but was happy to vote for him as a leader. Is weight the same thing?

Is it fair late-night fodder?

I am totally inconsistent here. I don't like mocking people for their weight. But Letterman's Top Ten list totally made me laugh.
Does quality matter? Is it because Letterman did it well that I liked his jokes more than a "You're so fat..." joke?
Part of me thinks that you subject yourself to more as a public figure, but I also hate when celebs are mocked for their weight gain. Again, I'm not consistent here...and it rives me nuts.
It seems MUCH more acceptable to laugh at a fat man than a fat woman. Is it because women are more likely to have emotional issues with food? Or is it cultural? Women bond by saying "You look so cute!" while men often bond more over "Dude, when's the baby due?"

Leading to...What if Chris was Christine?

More a comment than anything, but I just can't see a woman of Christie's size being considered for the big gig.

Like I said, not the most productive post in terms of actual answers. And I haven't made much progress despite playing it through my head for a few days. But I do think it is all worth the thought...

Compromise, Ramber-Style, and a Time Machine Toddler Me

2011-09-27T10:16:00.000-04:00

I confess....I felt bad breaking it to MM that the duckies will be leaving soon.

Compromise in our home is unique. I had wanted to see Bridesmaids so he agreed to watch it On Demand and I agreed to go feed the ducks. Though he made out well since Bridesmaids was a lot raunchier than I expected and more his huor than mine. We actually need to finish it tonight since he had to make an emergency run to the office and we didn't get to finish it. Another recent compromise....he stopped to get me a treat, I agreed to taking the top off his "fun" car while driving around (fun but the volume and the long hair are issues for me).

I also swear I saw a time machine version of myself at the park. There was a pre-school aged girl with crazy messy curls (I had Shirley Temple ringlets...still wavy/curly but I blow dry it straight) who was there with her mom. She was trying to talk to a big group of very loud ducks. She was using a very rational tone of voice and asking them to be quieter (they were VERY loud yesterday). She eventually got frustrated, threw her arms up in a dramatic shrug, and said: "What's WRONG with you ducks? BE QUIET." Honestly, I can totally see four-year old me doing the same thing.

bulletpoint withdrawal...

2011-09-23T11:53:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm feeling bullet-point withdrawal:

Dear Service Folks -- 8-12 is a decent-sized window. If a customer calls at 1 when no one has showed for said window, the customer is unlikely to react well to being told the window has changed to 8-5. Especially if you are befuddled when it is suggested you might have TOLD the customer of the change.
I love Community. Okay, I love Abed. Well, I love most of the other folks too but would be quite pleased to see Chang disappear.
I also love the ad with Jimmy Fallon seeing his pie-chart shows a small group that does NOT like more money and where he then argues with a toddler in the "no phase". But I'll admit that the first time I referenced it I didn't get the product right so it may not be all that effective. And the second time I named the wrong Jimmy...which is more about my clueless-ness. I'd be a lovely person for a famous person to sit next to on a plane. I'd leave them alone since I would not recognize them (unless it was Abed).
Still arguing with the scale. It is also being tempermental. I may have tried stepping on it a couple times in a row and saw different numbers (by over a pound and a half). Like I need a factor to add in to my mental issues....yes, I could decide it is even MORE meaningless but I'm more likely to feel the need to check several times in a row.
Recovery update -- Just frustrated. With still having pain when I feel like I shouldn't and with the darn brace I have to wear when I'm out of bed.
Another blog linked to this book: Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed Down World. I read pieces on the Amazon preview and was intruigued (but haven't ordered it yet). The theme isn't new...the sad lack of intelligence and the fact that it is socially acceptable to know the names of Housewives while not knowing the branches of our government...but it does seem really well-done. I'll wait till I can get a cheap used version though...and till I'm in the right mood for it.
How have I become a TLC watcher?
I have a love for small companies. I had a not-so-great experience though with a smaller beef jerky brand (another addiction I did NOT see coming) and did let them know. They offered to send another flavor to see if I'd change my mind. When I was indecisive and asked for advice (re which might have less of the greasy feel that turned me off before), they said that they were mailing both. Not naming the company since it isn't a product-rave, but the service at a small company is always so much nicer than a big name.
A post by another blogger made me confess in her comments that I often refer to bloggers I follow as "friends" even though I may not actually know them. Oddly, I probably know more about some of the ladies who post regularly than I do about some "real life" friends. I do appreciate the few people who are both bloggers and real-lifers.
MM had a seven day week last week. I am glad he only has a three day week this time. When I want to be, I can call myself an only child (steps and halfs but none grew up in my home) and I guess I don't want to share him with his office.

P.S. I'm curious how the FB revamp affects people seeing this since I know several folks come over from my FB status updates.

two more for the shelf: Bright Lights, Big Ass (Jennifer Lancaster) and Rebeca (Daphne Du Maurier)

2011-09-20T17:37:00.000-04:00

I confess...I get nervous when my "to-read" pile shrinks. I recently signed up for an Amazon Visa. The APR is high but there's no monthly fee so it is fine by me since I pay off my CCs monthly. I got a $40 credit to the first order and am now getting Amazon points. In my world, that may be better than cash. I usually go for used books, often under a dollar unless it is one I am really seeking out....there's still shipping costs involved (esp since they are from different sellers so don't qualify for free shipping), but it is still a good deal.

Bright Lights, Big Ass by Jennifer Lancaster

I believe this is my third Jen Lancaster book. I enjoyed it, but the sheen if off a bit since I feel like it is getting a bit repetitive. Lancaster has a knack for humor, often a bit self-deprecating, but they do start to feel repetitious. I am giving it three stars but it might have gotten more if I wasn't just a bit worn out on the same tale (really, how many memoirs can a thirty-something with a not-so-out-of-the-ordinary history have?!) Totally my own doing in buying another one....and it might have more stars if it was my first or second foray in "Jennsylvania" (her website name). She focuses on the reality of city life in Chicago, largely as she's climbing back up the economic ladder after a rough and sudden drop thanks to the economy. Absolutely made me laugh but the change in focus from my prior Lancaster reads wasn't enough to make for a new book that held me.

Rebecca by Daphne Du Maurier

After reading many more recent books where other reviewers made parallels to Rebecca, I felt like it was a gap in my reading list. I have been enjoying what I term "literary mysteries" for several years, many of which could also carry the "gothic" label, and this seemed to be a frequently cited model for the genre.

This book, penned in the 1903s, presents an unnamed narrator who marries a man about whom she knows very little. The marriage thrusts her into an upper-class world that is unfamiliar and takes her to his famed estate, Manderley. The narrator feels haunted by the memories that her husband, townsfolk, and the staff (especially the head housekeeper) have of the husband's first wife, Rebecca. It is hard to say much more without creating spoilers of things that unfold towards the middle and end of the novel.

I'm having more trouble than normal organizing my thoughts on Rebecca. I'm giving it four stars, although it definitely dragged. In many ways, it felt more like a "novel of manners" (throwback phrase from my English-major days) and a romance than a mystery. But I do think the subtlety of Rebecca's presence is very well done and much more realistically drawn than a lot of novels garnering the "gothic" label. It is a mental and emotional haunting, not a story of ghosts. I never developed a very firm opinion of the narrator, which may explain my hesitation on the four stars. But the prose, while lengthy, is quite lovely and held me through the whole story. I appreciated the was the author built the intrigue in a story that is largely about mental and emotional struggles (the "action" starts late). I also appreciate that the novel clearly lays a foundation for future works and for future women authors. Worth a read for book lovers captured by more recent titles who want to see a bit of their "roots" and have the patience for a slower paced read.

(little) girl talk

2011-09-17T09:51:00.000-04:00

I confess....I feel kind of like the people who claim to have known a band before they went big, but I actually got into this topic well before it blew up the internet world a couple months back. I simply noticed that I often greeted little girls by telling them they were cute and it began to bug me. An internet post (HuffPo) on talking to little girls brought the issue to the forefront for a while, but I was SO there first.

I can't imagine meeting a woman in the grocery store line and cooing about her being cute. I might compliment funky earrings that I like but would never have the guts to run, but "Aren't you adorable/cute/pretty?" isn't going to be uttered. That said, I very well might call a little boy "handsome" or "cute" (or praise his eyelashes...what it is up with little boys having the world longest lashes???).

There's an ad lately aimed at little girls for a DVD about Barbie going to charm school and learning "there's a princess in every girl"...well, if she learns to curtsy. This drives me NUTS. I am not totally oppose to all things Barbie, but can't there be a future research scientist in every girl...if she works hard in school and applies herself?!? Or even a future star soccer player? I get mad. But then I go back to wondering if I'm adding to that culture.

I've debated how to remedy this. It really isn't easy to give a little girl more concrete praise on being smart or kind or strong since these are pretty fleeting moments. I could, of course, say nothing at all, but I seem to be innately unable to do that. I at least need to wave or wink. I've praised a cute top but I'm not sure that's any better. I have actively tried to find roundabout alternates...."Wow, you must be a pretty special girl for Mommy/whomever to be buying you such a great toy!"...."'You are getting lots of yummy veggies!"...but that's not always an option. I've even gone for "Wow, you must have been really good and sat still while you got such pretty braids"....though I'm less certain that's an improvement.

And I do think it is good for little girls to feel pretty. ALL of them. My concern is making that the number one trait for which they are recognized. Then again, like it or not, it IS pretty realistic. We ARE defined by our outward appearance. Especially by strangers. I'm treated differently than I was 30lbs heavier.

I don't see myself totally ignoring the cute tyke (of either gender) sitting in the cart behind me at the store. I can commit to trying to avoid the appearance fallback. But, despite good intentions and doubts about messaging, I doubt I'll ever totally be able to "quit" the cute remarks....at least cold turkey. I have committed to at least trying...and to complimenting other traits when I can see them. But now I'm thinking of traits to remark on...is complimenting a girl for being patient and quiet any better if it plays into gender roles? My head is going to hurt if I keep going down that route.

taking control back (from the cookies)

2011-09-15T15:49:00.000-04:00

I confess...I'm feeling VERY un-body positive. I know I am not truly overweight, but I'm not where I want to be and not feeling good.

I generally do not advocate "diet" as a four-letter word. I prefer to define it as simply "what one eats" and as "lifestyle" rather than a short-term fix. I tend to scoff a bit at pre-packaged plans or shakes or such thing because they aren't something one can sustain. That said, I have said in the past that I think such plans can be good for a "blip"...getting rid of a more specific weight gain in a generally healthy lifestyle. And that's where I am. I've simply indulged too much in comfort food during my recovery. Healing does take fuel, but not like I've given it.

Of course, I made it Sunday and Monday before faltering on Tuesday. But I'm trying to let that pass.
I suspect I'll still have off-days (weekends, likely...though this week is odd since it is MM's work w/e). I need those in my week. But I want to get control of the other days and to just get back where I like to be. And not let the off-days be TOO insane (which they can be).

I'm a daily weigh-er and the scale showed this lapse more than normal....significantly more (seriously, higher than it had been Sunday morning after more than one "off" day). I know this is why one isn't really supposed to weigh daily, but it's not a habit I see changing. I do try to keep it in context and I know I fluctuate a good bit. I have this fear it'll be an "up" day on the one day I weigh if I go weekly.

No starving...I need nutrition for my bones to grow and heal the back. I am also noticing a loss of muscle tone...especially in my arms. I can't do much about that for right now. I can, however, take action and control rather than moping (and eating even more to comfort myself).

My Fight Like a Girl Story (endo)

2011-09-13T12:35:00.000-04:00

I confess...I didn't proof this as well as I should. I've had joining Fight Like a Girl on my to-do list for a bit but it was definitely in the post-op category and just hadn't happened yet. I joined today and also submitted "My Story". It'll post there eventually, but here's a preview for my readers of my story about my endo battle.
--

I remember my Mom telling me how lucky "we" were that we didn't get painful periods. Heavy, yes. Painful, no. Well, at least according to her. And for some reason I can't pinpoint, this made me unwilling to speak up and say that I DID have pain. In the early womanhood years, the pain was bearable. The heavy flow (had to get up every two hours the first couple nights to change) was a tougher battle. But, over time and bit-by-bit, the pain came. At first, it was pretty minor but it steadily got worse In college, I'd occasionally lie down to escape it. By grad school, I'd curl up to cry and lose a few days of studying. Within a year after finishing school (24yo), it was at the "just hope to die" level.

I still didn't speak up. I don't know why. I'd never been healthy. Two prior ENT surgeries, hives from nowhere, migrines...I was used to docs and talking but there was a block here. I went on the Pill for the heavy flow (and, well, the birth control side) and STILL didn't speak up about the pain. It helped the flow but not the pain. Eventually the pain became an every day demon instead of a monthly visitor. I finally spoke up when I fell out of my desk chair from the pain. The doc fit me in, my secretary offered to drive but settled for putting me in a cab b/c I looked like a ghost (hard for an Italian girl!).

As soon as the docs and I talked, I KNEW endo was the culprit. But, since endo diagnosis requires surgery, we did lots of other tests first. Each test (ultrasounds, upper GI, barium enema...)was a roller-coaster. I wanted an ANSWER but feared what it would be. I finally got the laproscopy scheduled and I showed up for my pre-op screeing. With walking pneumonia...I guess I'd been toughened...just thought it was allergies. A delay (and a BIG cry in the office women's room) ensued but eventually the diagnosis was made.

Endo is a tricky beast. I was in a LOT of pain but it was actually a small amount of endo that was the culprit. This is a reality...pain and the amount aren't always correlated....some women with severe growths never hurt (and only learn of it with fertility troubles), others have a small amount that just hits the wrong spot. The small growths make it tricky...I've had three laps to remove tissue but still struggle. I take continuous BCP (no placebo week) and will end up in tears if I somehow miss even one. I've had three surgeries for it and wonder if it'll just be a recurring event. There's no cure. I appreciated the doc who said "It is likely we'll never get you pain-free" b/c it was honest. I learn to deal...the bad days are less often but still bad. I warn people I'll be snappy when it hurts (my favorite phrase: "it is NOT an excuse, but it IS an explanation"). I've faked a phone call on the train to voice the invisible pain and guilt someone into offering a seat.

By far, the best thing I've done is live this fight openly. I've found other women who can relate. It took my breath away when another woman shared that she also sometimes hoped the pain would notch up JUST a bit b/c then she'd get to "go away" (not fainting, not sleeping, just the brain letting you leave...). And I hope that I've also helped at least one other woman.

A few years ago, I started having a bit of pain I wrote off as gym-soreness but eventually clearly became something else. In an odd way, my severe back pain "cured" the endo for a bit...an 8-level pain in the back beat out the 7 in my pelvic region. And it was oddly comforting to have something we could TREAT rather than just CONTROL. I did all the basic treatments and ended up in surgery on Aug 8 2011 (spinal fusion). I'm healing from that now.

And it has made me realize a bit more about what makes endo an evil beast. After surgery, the doc (who does a few of these a week) said my disc was among the worst he'd seen in years. And I felt an odd relief...not just b/c it bodes well for success...but b/c I felt VALIDATED. My pain was REAL and BAD and I wasn't a whiny baby. THAT had been an issue in a failed marriage. And THAT is one of the real cruel parts of endo...it is so often written off as minor ("Oh, I get cramps too...sometimes I need TWO Midols...") or even imagined.

So, MY mission is to tell every woman out there fighting this demon...IT IS REAL.

readin' on: Kate Morton's The Distant Hours and Shilpi Somave Gowda's Secret Daughter

2011-09-12T10:05:00.000-04:00

I confess...I really did want to get these up yesterday for the symbolism of following my own theory, Oh well Both are books I purchased rather than Harper picks.

The Distant Hours by Kate Morton

In general, I think my favorites books tend to be from authors who only produce a single novel, maybe two. I guess they are the type of single stories an author almost feels the need to get out. The bad part is it means I don't get to anticipate another novel from a favorite author too much. Kate Morton is an exception...I just love her haunting stories. I consider them literary mysteries although the word gothic is bantered about more.

The Distant Hours is told in two time periods, the pretty modern-day journey of Edie to uncover the past and the WWII-era residents of Milderhurst Castle. Edie learns her mother was evacuated from London to the castle as a girl during the war and discovers the castle was also the place where a favorite childhood read was penned. The book explores the mystery of the book as well as the disappearance of a young man engaged to one of the sisters living in the castle. It is heavily influenced by concepts of family...both those that are arguably too tight and those where mothers and daughters feel at a loss to understand one another.

It probably isn't my favorite Morton book (The Forgotten Garden would win), but I still fell into and it is still a solid 4 star read. The characters have complex histories and emotions and their relationships are much more real than perfect. It's a long book but I devoured it. I often want to savor a good read and not let it end, but I really wanted to know the book's secrets. I'll definitely re-read it eventually....I think it would be interesting to go back to the start while knowing the secrets.

Secret Daughter by Shilpi Somave Gowda

I had this on my nightstand and moved it up in the pile when a friend mentioned it on FB as a great read (too odd that we'd both suddenly picked it up).

Throughout this novel, the chapters vary focus but all revolve around the individuals tied to one little girl. In India, Kavita gives her newborn daughter to an orphanage to save her from the gender-based infanticide that took her firstborn. The child is later adopted and moved to American by Somer, a California doctor married to an Indian man who came to the US for his own medical training and stayed after they fell in love. We get to see not only the two mothers but also their spouses, a bit of their families, and the shared daughter. When the girl, Asha, is in college she takes a Watson Fellowship and goes to India to live with family and work on a journalism piece, allowing the reader to see both her American and Indian families.

I appreciate that the author really avoids one-sided characters. We even grow to understand and see the good in the husband who had directed the infanticide of Asha's older sister. We also see a lot of the beauty in the Indian culture as well as the startling contrasts in modern-day India between the well-off and those living in horrid, fetid slums. India itself is a charcter, a well-rounded one, and the book is about both culture and family.

I'm at 3.5 stars though. I'll round up to 4. While I loved the way it felt very real and showed that reality is rarely pure good and pure evil, I just felt like it missed something that prevents me from the full 4 stars (despite the rounding that the websites require). The characters were all real and flawed but I never truly felt like I understood them. I did appreciate the ending and the vivid sense of place and definitely enjoyed the journey but I never fell in love with the book.

patriotism

2011-09-11T10:46:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm really torn between writing a dual book review and a 9/11 post. I'm going with the latter but including a mention of why the former also feels like patriotism (and maybe I'll do it later).

I remember seeing my friend Mike in the hallway on 9/11/01. He looked a bit dazed and told me about the first plane. Honestly, I thought it was some sort of massive pilot or mechanical error. The law school lacked any TVs (this was remedied in my time on the equivalent of student council) and the computer lab was jammed but, as folks know, everything was jammed. I went to my first class and the prof (also the Dean) had been prepping so didn't know the news and held class despite a few students protesting. When my next class started, the rumors were flowing....no real news access and proximity to D.C. added to that. My prof came in and very solemnly (and impressively) cancelled class saying there were more important things to think about.

I went home and watched the coverage with my roommates. Even when it was clear it was an attack, I'm pretty sure I didn't comprehend it. We watched for hours, like everyone else I suppose. We called our folks to check in. Mom will always be a New Yorker. Dr. Dad (who is from there too) volunteered to go help...they didn't need him since he wasn't a first aid specialist and simply put not enough survivors needing his neuro expertise.

Here's where I might lose you. After hours of coverage, I went to my room and put on my gym clothes. I just couldn't watch anymore. I felt more relief than I care to admit when I opened my door and saw a roommate had done the same thing. And I went to the gym. I thought this through and came to a conclusion that I still hold....we lose if we don't keep living. It is patriotic to go to the gym (or write a book review). "They" win if we stop living our lives. That does NOT mean we can't mourn or can't remember. I actually finally found my tears while on the treadmill....it wasn't a matter of ignoring the event at all. It was a matter of living and not letting anyone take that from me.

I've always refused to let fear run my life. I am careful if I'm out alone at night. I carry a key poking from my fist and ask for an escort if it feels right. But, as I told my Mom when she'd fret about me walking at night in college, I will to be aware and I will certainly avoid undue dangers, but I'm going to live. I got on a plane late October 2011. Aside from the fact that I knew security was as high as it could be, I also knew it was an important message. Yes, even one girl getting on a plane for the West Coast, since all the "one"s add up to a "many".

Always remember. Never forget. But don't let evil win by giving in to fear. Living is patriotic.

rainy rambles

2011-09-07T10:59:00.001-04:00

I confess...I had a screening interview that asked about my presentation style and I totally confessed my love for bulletpoints.

We got a reverse-911 emergency services call last night warning of 7+ inches of rain. MM felt bad about it but did ask I try and tend to our wet basement occasionally during the day. I started with a towel but that wasn't back friendly...filled half a gallon bucket with wetness that way and then wised up to using a sponge mop for the next half bucket. Slower but back-friendlier.
MM and I survived my cooking last night. Made my mussels dish. Since it says to use pepper "to taste", I never put in the same amount and it was less spicy this time but still yummy and you could appreciate the tomato and basil flavors more. Sadly, one plastic bowl did not survive my klutzy-ness. It is well and good to pour the mussels into a bowl to serve more easily, but one should NOT put said plastic bowl on the stovetop when doing so (insert "I'm truly an idiot" smiley here).
First follow-up doc appt is tomorrow. I'm still in a lot of pain and know as soon as four hours is up and the one med wears off. I've tried to reduce it but my body isn't ready yet. The weather does NOT help. The appt also involves an x-ray which I'm nervous about. Fusion surgery is kinda cool in that the surgeon facilitates but your body really does the healing by growing bone. The x-ray will show if that's happening...it usually does, but some patients "fail to fuse" so fingers crossed.
I am thinking about a short-term style diet fix beginning sunday and then pretty much weekdays for a bit. I do NOT usually recommend these but I DO think they can help for folks who generally have good habits and put on a few pounds due to an outlying event. I will be sure it is a protein and calcium-rich plan and it won't be for too long...just getting back on track. Waiting till Sun since there are dinner plans Thurs and Sat.
I am not girly, but my hair does go nutty in wet weather so I can be a bit of a rain-phobic. I have also been feeling sympathy for the local teen girls as it has poured yesterday and today. First two days of school AND frizz are not fun (well, I was clueless as a teen, but it would majorly suck for a non-total-dork).
Watched the first episode of Wonderfalls on DVD. Totally fun, quirky world. Speaking of which, I can't wait for Community to start. My Abed love trumps over my total dislike for Chang.
Hoping to get the nod for PT from the doctor. There's a new PT place really close to us but I can't find any history on it....or really on anything in our town. My awesome Boston PT was asking around in State College for me but so far doesn't have a recommendation (he volunteered to help...we've stayed in touch regarding my progress and the surgery choice). Everything is REALLY tight and I can't really stretch on my own. And I want to build back muscle without harming anything so need the professional guide.
I was sent home from the hospital with a sponge-on-a-stick for foot and leg cleansing without bending. I quickly upgraded to a nicer back brush. Seriously, a new item on my favorite things list. More for how great it feel on my back than the actual leg-cleansing that I bought it to do. It will definitely remain post-healing. (I want to give this a good review but don't want to create another freakin' login account...I have had no problems with the product).
I HATE the PSA that tried to tell parents their babies will all die of whooping cough if the parents aren't vaccinated. They say "up to 80% of babies get it from family members." Of course, that is only for babies who GET IT at all and the small print notes the statement only qualifies where they can identify the source. Well, OF COURSE that's true. Babies are around mostly family and professional caregivers, the latter of whom are likely required to keep up with vaccines. And, if they get it from some stranger in an elevator, then there won't BE an identified source and it won't be counted towards the stat.
One bonus to central PA versus MA is that my fall allergies have at least waited until early-September instead of starting up in mid-August.
Allergies make me think of puppies. I like puppies. No, I cannot have a hypoallergenic one...they STILL bother me. And I want a golden lab. I'll just keep a puppy in my head. Bonus: no poop-scooping.
An addition -- After hearing about it for a while, MM and I finally tried Pinnacle Gummy. We all know I'm a red wine girl (promise I'm not as much a lush as I sound like!!), but the Pinnacle flavors are kinda cool...esp the chocolate whipped cream! Gummy seriously tastes like Swedish Fish....well, vodka soaked Swedish Fish (I recall folks soaking gummy bears, but not the red fish). It is a bit eerie.

Happy Birthday, Military Man

2011-09-06T09:35:00.000-04:00

I confess...I'm sappy sometimes.

But, what it boils down to with MM is a simple truth -- there's nothing better in the world than finding someone amazing who, by some miracle, thinks you are amazing too.

I'll hold off the lists and corny stories and just say Happy Birthday to the man who taught me how wonderful such a basic equation can be.

review time -- LA Mental: A Thriller (Neil McMahon) and Notes on a Scandal (Zoe Heller)

2011-09-01T10:03:00.000-04:00

I confess...I feel odd about combining a Harper and a non-Harper review. But I'm getting over it.

L.A. Mental: A Thriller by Neil McMahon

L.A. Mental was provided to me by the lovely folks at Harper and I will confess at the outset that I'm not usually a huge thriller girl. This is important because I do always want to give my reviews context...reading for Harper encourages me to step out of my box, but that is sometimes reflected in my opinion.

This is an interesting mix between the detective/thriller genre and a bit of sci-fi. Tom Crandall gets caught up in drama when one brother takes a fall after going a bit nutty, another brother becomes deeply involved in a movie project headed by a cult-ish leader, and a sister is threatened by the nutty-going brother. The movie producer character has all sorts of theories and seems to be playing out mind control theses on his followers and his detractors. There's a beautiful love interest and several sketchy potential villains in the mix, along with family money and secrets that make the Crandall clan a target.

I'm rounding down to 3 from a preferred 3.5 stars. It just didn't compel me. It read fast and easy and it did hold my interest okay, but I never got emotionally involved which I need. The characters were a bit too simply drawn for my tastes. The author definitely leaves room for a sequel but I don't feel any need to seek it out. However, I do think that my genre bias is at play and would guess a thriller fan might round up to 4. To use an overused (including by me) phrase, "it is what it is" and that just isn't my style.

What Was She Thinking: Notes on a Scandal by Zoe Heller

It is rare for me to see a movie and THEN read the book but the reviews suggest I'm not alone in doing this with Heller's book. I saw the movie some time back and I do recall it being good but I honestly didn't seek the book out because of it, instead I just happened upon the title online and decided to order it.

The book is narrated by Barbara, a long-time teacher who says she wants to chronicle the true story of her colleage Sheba's affair with a teenage student. The narrator herself is a fairly lonely woman in her 60s who seems to have a history of intense friendships that become a bit frightening as Barbara gets overinvolved/obsessed with another woman. In this case, it is Sheba who is a new pottery teacher at the school and who has a husband and two children at home. Much of the plot is based on second-hand knowledge of the events relating to Sheba's involvement with the male student. There is also a lot about how the women became friends and the caretaker role Barbara takes when the affair becomes public.

A strong four star, maybe even four and a half, read. Truly, this is about Barbara, not Sheba, and Barbara's need for companionship that stretches the boundaries of healty friendship. She isn't a narrator that the reader likes nor is she totally reliable, but she is fascinating. Heller's talent is in her ability to get inside this narrator's head and present a very nuanced character. The voice feels so very real, even as the reader grows increasingly uncomfortable with the narrator herself. Strong book for readers who like character studies and are okay with not finding any heroes. I doubt you'll love anyone in this book, but I do think you'll be fascinated by them.

a jaunt through my head on a tuesday morning

2011-08-30T10:13:00.000-04:00

I confess...I fear this will be quite disjointed. I do have a book to review but am leaning towards doing "two-fers" these days since I'm reading faster. And I have a number of things swirling in my brain but oddly don't feel inclined towards bulletpoints.

Today makes it official. I haven't really been sure what to call my legal status in the past months but the divorce is truly final today. It is honestly just a paper milestone since it has long been final in my head and soul. My mom asked how I was doing and noted it was okay to be a bit sad. I think I got that all out already though. I've got a lot of struggle in my life right now, but my relationship with MM is NOT one of those things and I think I needed to see that a paper match didn't mean a life match before I was ready to see MM. He's awesome and somehow thinks I'm awesome..which is awesome.

The job front, however, still sucks. I was really upset to lose out on one position. I even trudged my butt in a week after major surgery (when most people are proud to sit up for 20min straight) for a three hour interview AND prepared a 20min presentation beforehand. Seriously, I doubt anyone else showed more commitment and I'm pissy that they might have already picked the winner and still had me in...I know there are formalities places go through but it is just cruel to use someone in my state as a place-filler. I thought I nailed it too, which makes it suck more.

Of course, that does mean I'm home (transition sentence!) and able to greet service folks. The plumber had been out last week. Actually, he was here on Tuesday AM and I had the life scared out of me when the house shook just moments after my shower. Normally, I'd have guessed earthquake but, given the timing, I totally went to "plumbing explosion" instead. Anyway, plumber needed to return yesterday to re-fix stuff. About 10min before the appointed time, I actually spotted him in the driveway and started my waddle to the door only to see hm back out and leave. About 30min later (20min post-appt), I called the guy and got VM but he pulled in a moment later. He said he'd decided no one was home since there wasn't a car in the driveway so he'd just left. No knock. He's been here ONCE. Betty is getting her annual checkup (i.e. inspection) and there actually IS a garage too. Seriously, LEAVING b/c a car you saw ONCE isn't there. Odd customer care.

Of course, I hadn't been speedy to the door. I do think I'm improving but I can tell as soon as the meds wear off. My spine has a lot of spasms and tightness through its whole length. I hadn't really though of it, but when you fix the bottom discs, the whole spine realigns to correct in turn. Not fun but kinda interesting that my body is largely fixing itself (with the doc's prodding). I do think the pain is different which may bode well for success. Less glute and radiating leg pain which makes sense...that was the injury and it wouldn't readjust like the spine. My belly is still tender but I'm trying to let the incision get oxygen and leave it uncovered. I'm also Mederma-ing to make it look less Frankensteiny. I have scars from my laproscopies but those are in the bikini area and teeny. My belly isn't a very public domain, but I still want to do what I can to reduce scarring for my own sake.

I continue to feel the need to declare loudly that the doc aid it was one of the worst discs he's seen in years. The guy focuses on spines so sees several a week and only really sees 'em if they are troublesome so that says a lot. Back pain gets so many raised eyebrows and lots of "oh, my back hurts sometimes" and it is so good to have validation that my pain was REAL and I wasn't just a whiny hypochondriac. Between endo and back troubles, I've had a lot of experience with pain and none of it "visible". Validation is invaluable.

Moments

2011-08-27T19:03:00.000-04:00

I confess...I really only have a couple "moments" in mind as I start this but expect I'll feel inclined to add more...

At TGI Fridays for dinner last night, I spotted a toddler walking a bit and gszing at me (Mom was close behind so no worries). Not sure why, but this kid was FASCINATED by me. She said "hi" just once but visited several times. Each time, she walked up (we were in a very small booth...one to a side deal) and placed her hand lightly on my forearm and then just stared up at me for a good minute. She wouldn't shake hands or say a word. Mom clearly made sure I was cool with it and said she visits a lot when waiting but she'd never seen her reach out physically to a stranger. I've had young girls go for the hair, but nothing like this. Total pool of melty-ness where my heart had been. After the fact, I have decided she was trying to make me get better.
After dinner, we stopped at BK. They advertised a new soft-serve machine. My love for McD's cones is well-documented but BK is MUCH closer and I needed to try (verdict: good, but not the same). We were near home. To call our town a suburb of State College is overstating the size of both SC and our town, but it gives the concept. We share a border and I'd refer to SC if asked where I live by non-locals. An older man stopped us as we were leaving. MM had his fancy fun car and the guy wanted to chat about it and share his own fast-driving tales. One involved a drive to Philly. He presumed we knew the goal of "City Line Drive" (we do but we'e both from out that way.....3.5h or so). However, before embarking on the tale, he kindly checked: "Do you know where State College is?" We were nice and said "Yes" (and too baffled to say anythig else) but I'm curious what he'd had said if we said "No." "Well, see it is about three miles that way and likely where 75% of this town works and plays."
In early elementary school (age 7 1/2), Gloria hit NYC. A benefit of apartment dwelling is one can still visit a friend during a hurricaine and I very vividly recall standing at Michael W.'s window looking out. We felt so very wise as we remarked people might be confused but should not think the storm was done because it was actually just the eye of the hurricaine. I have rarely in life felt so incredibly knowledgable. Though I will admit I still experience moments where I doubt the general public.
I have become a huge fan of "Linner". Why save combo meals for Brunch? I love a 2:30 main meal with lighter fare in the evening. Actually, I guess that's pretty European. Which explains why it is uncommon to find others doing it in the quiet world of Central PA (which I actually LOVE, even if I'm shaking my head a bit today at small town life).

Readin' Machine -- Reviews of Irma Voth (Miriam Toews) and Lost in America (Colby Buzzell)

2011-08-24T11:58:00.000-04:00

I confess...I'm plowing through the books while in recovery-and-rest mode.

Irma Voth by Miriam Toews

Irma Voth is one of the books I might have picked up on my own but gladly accepted as an advanced copy from Harper. I was not familiar with the author, although she does have another best-seller under her belt.

This is the story of a 19 year-old girl who was raised in a Mennonite community in Mexico but whose father disavowed her when she married outside the community. But, showing his controlling ways, he had her stay in a house he owned and work for the farm, while ignoring her and asking the rest of the family to do the same. The marriage proves a disaster and her husband has all but disappeared. Irma becomes involved in a movie being filmed in the community, again incurring wrath from her father, and eventually explores the world a bit further. She remains close with a younger sister, although they do so in secret b/c their father will not permit them to speak. I'm not going to go further since the plot isn't fully disclosed in advance.

The writing is in Irma's voice. It is generally simple prose but Irma shows a spark of natural wit. She is asked to translate for the movie producer and, without much comment to the reader about the decision, makes up her own lines instead. She is pretty clear-eyed and generally an honest narrator, her only blindness being taking fault for the failed marriage when it is pretty clearly her husband that failed. Irma's style makes the book go VERY fast....which I actually usually dislike b/c I like more time with my "new friends" (and b/c of cost issues). But, despite some heavy topics, it is really a fun style. The voice makes it different from the run-of-the-mill tale of a young adult rebelling against her strict world.

4 stars. With a particular appreciation that it never criticizes the Mennonite world Irma comes from...her father's a jerk and the world is isolated, but the community is never painted in a bad light (which I think other stories can do.

Lost in America: A Dead-End Journey by Colby Buzzell

I love that reading for Harper let's me explore outside my usual fiction rules. I don't read a ton of memoirs but was very intrigued by Colby Buzzell's Lost in America: A Dead-End Journey. The Iraq war vet who had recently lost his mother and had his first child (the former gets a lot more discussion in the text), sets out with the instruction to live a modern-day On The Road. With a few interruptions, he travels in an old car, focusing on towns tourists tend to skip, back-roads, and less-than-savory motels. He has a clear interest in the underbelly world...by that, I mean more the very working-class, simple folks that people often overlook (and who have been hit hard by the economy). Usually, he mentions but doesn't encounter a heavy-duty criminal element.

This was a quick read. And I enjoyed it at times. I usually note I need to find characters interesting, but not necessarily likeable. Maybe this just doesn't translate for memoirs because not being a fan of the author, who plows through too much liquor and is ignoring the fact that he has a wife and son, really impacts me in this case. I'd normally feel reticent to say that...I'm guilt-prone and don't want to insult...but I don't think Buzzell would care. I also think he tends to gloss over the fact that he ISN'T just one of the "trying to make ends meet" types he pals around with...he has a book deal, an existing writing career, and is able to fly away a couple times during the journey (with really no note about how incongruous this is to his "I'm one of them" style).

It is an easy read and part of me did have fun with it, but I'm stuck at 3 stars for the taste it left behind.

ramble ramble

2011-08-22T19:05:00.000-04:00

I confess...I'm bullet-pointing but will warn you that most still have a post-op theme.

Five-and-a-half months till projected recovery is less than six months...every day is one less.
I've had HORRID eating habits. MM goes back to work tomorrow and I'm going back to eating well. I will NOT deprive myself. I NEED food to heal, especially protein. My body may only walk 1m a day, not 9 (and a slow one), but healing burns calories. The scale is up a bit but not terribly which is proof (and it is in a range I told myself was fine as a post-op spike).
Read two more books since my review post last week (Harper ones)...reviews to come. One more on my to-read shelf and three en route (used via Amazon...all under a buck so shipping still made them a good deal).
Shocking discovery a few weeks ago: I totally love beef jerky. Seriously. I'd NEVER EVER have imagined that one. Frankly, it was available the day after a bit too much fun (our last pre-op hurrah) and I NEED food in that state. But I've had it totally un-hungover and still found it additively good.
Still love Pizza Mia for fireballs, cookies, and wraps, but Hofbrau may win for pizza. Even if they lack a website (and delivery).
More in character...I also love Vitamin Water Zero and Lifewater 0. I know they aren't health food, but they are yummy. And it is easier on my tummy these days than too many bubbles.
We fed the duckies again today. There are now two gimpy ducks. I did my part for my duckie-counterparts to ensure they got lots of bread.
Waddle, waddle. The person who has me hooked on this song (well, actually only this line...'cause I kinda waddle), knows who she is.
Major thanks to the lady on the back forum ho suggested I might be a bit allergic to the steri-strips. Removing them (w/ the doc nod...they usually fall off but it had been long enough that it was safe to "help" them) did WONDERS for the itching that I blamed on healing.
You meet a lot of people when you wear a brace. Today, I was asked (politely) if I'd had back surgery and if it worked. A bit too early to tell but liked being a bit helpful with some info on the experience.
Small town love -- We were heading on our walk (short walks are a recovery must for this surgery) and the mail-lady was a few doors away. She flagged us down b/c she recognized me and needed a signature. I signed and then she brought it to the door with the rest of the mail. Loved that she knew me AND went out of her way to make the day a bit easier by saving me a trip to the PO.
Looking forward to revisiting Pushing Daisies and exploring Wonderfalls thanks to a lovely friend from girlhood who remains on my list of awesome folks 25 years later. Been watching my gift-to-myself DVDs of Community season 1. TV on DVD rocks when your medical state makes committing to a movie a bit hard sometimes.
My days are going to feel long w/o my treadmill time (and with MM back to work tomorrow). I have my walks, but they aren't (and shouldn't be) as long. Which makes the second bullet-point an extra challenge.

Two Reviews, Vastly Different Tales: Room (Emma Donoghue) and The Passage (Justin Cronin)

2011-08-19T16:49:00.000-04:00

I confess...I'm not feeling very blog-erly. I'm just exhausted. I know this is to be expected, that my prior surgeries where I was up and running the next day, are NOT good reference points and recovery is in months, not days. But it still sucks.

I do, however want to post two reviews. Neither is a Harper book, both were Amazon purchases aimed at recovery time...one as a treat I'd wanted to read, the other recommended highly by friends.

Room by Emma Donoghue

Room by Emma Donoghue was one of the most talked about books of 2010. It is told from the point of view of Jack, a five year-old boy who has only known life in the small room where his mother has been held captive for many years. This is Jack's "normal"...he does have TV and considers things like the ocean to be just television, whereas the Table and Wardrobe (where his mom has him hide when the captor visits at night and Jack counts the bed squeaks) are "real." It is in the early stages of the book that his mom tries to explain that the world is bigger than she previously allowed him to know.

There's a lot of great craft here. Jack personifies the objects in the room because they are all he has. His mother has done an amazing job giving richness to their limited world and he has a great deal of difficulty comprehending the outside world. The language is very much that of a child and it takes some adjustment to get used to the voice.

I'd give this 3.5 stars and will round up to 4 for the half-star-phobic rating sites. I liked it, I just didn't LOVE it. The characters were well-done. Jack's mother is an amazing parent but also definitely flawed, which I appreciate. Jack's view feels on-point. Without all the hype, I might have been at four stars without the rounding...it's always hard to live up to being so talked about.

The Passage by Justin Cronin

I wouldn't have picked up The Passage on my own. I'd heard the author last summer and liked that he followed his daughter's request to write about a girl who saved the world, but the zombie-vampire epic didn't turn my head. But the husband of a close friend, and then the friend herself, urged me to reconsider. It also seemed like a good fit, frankly, for the timing...I started it in the hospital and finished in the first week or so following major surgery and it seemed like it would be attention-holding but not too "literary" and thus approachable in a less-than-ideal time.

There are distinct parts to The Passage, itself the first installment of a trilogy (the others haven't been released yet). In the first section, they establish the background of a military-tied project involving a virus intended to create an immortal super-warrior that goes horribly awry and creates demon-like creatures. The test subjects are largely criminals on death row but the agent in charge of bringing the subjects to the lab is also sent for a young girl, Amy, with whom he connects deeply. Amy is infected but has very different results than the others and, after the other virals break free and wreak havoc, she and the agent eventually run off to find safety. The second section picks up decades later when North America has been overrun with the creatures. After Amy arrives at the Colony, an encampment of people in a society constructed behind fortified walls, a party makes efforts to explore the world beyond the walls and find hope in a very despondent world.

As many reviewers have said, I found the first section (which is MUCH shorter) to be more compelling that the latter. This is an epic in many senses, it spans a century and pits man against "beast." It does, however, get more complex. Not all of the creatures are truly evil but rather shown to be victims in their own right (albeit victims with blood-lust). I did find it very compelling...it got tedious at times but generally didn't feel burdensome or unnecessarily long. I'm falling back on my frequent 3.5 star rating, good but not great and I'm not sure if I will seek out the sequels (maybe if I get them cheap). I will round up to 4 simply because I think it does what it sets out to do and I want to judge it on those terms. It was certainly more than I'd have expected and the prodding was worthwhile.

the post-op rundown (LONG)

2011-08-15T19:27:00.000-04:00

I confess...I've been playing with the contents of a "real" post-op post in my head. Which totally means I'll miss something. I'm going to share this on a health bulletin board with a back forum so it may include details my usual visitors aren't as interested in but that might help a future patient.

I'd been struggling with back pain for years and run through more moderate treatments like epidurals (seriously, not sure mom-hood is in my picture, but I'm not doing that again without getting a cute baby in return) and stints with two physical therapists. An MRI, a bone scan, and a discogram (not fun but not as scary as Google had me fear) pointed to the L5/S1 disc as the culprit. This is a pretty common trouble point and takes a LOT of one's body weight. The initial diagnosis had been an annular tear but that was "upgraded" to degenerative disc disease ("DDD") by my latest doc. I'd been sent to this guy by Doctor Dad....both are neurosurgeons in the same practice and this guy is pretty much a spine expert. This meant a 2+ hour commute but definitely meant I got stars by my name both in the office and the hospital (I was on a "spine" ward).

I went in for an Anterior Lumbar Interbody Fusion ("ALIF" for the in-the-know crowd) on Monday 8/8. I'd had 5 surgeries before but all were on the minor end and none involved a stay at the hospital. I got more nervous as it approached but the pain also got worse by the day which ensured I wouldn't back out. MM and my father checked me in (my step-mom joined later) and my mom and step-dad arrived just a bit before they put me under. I'm terrified of IVs but they did a decent job (and waited till I was under to start a second...though that confused me when I woke up since I wasn't aware it would be there). MM and Teddy were with me till I was asleep.

The hospital staff get MAJOR props for the fact that Teddy was there when I woke up. Yes, I'm 33 and wanted my Teddy....he's always good to squeeze when pain hits and just is comforting. That may have been standard fare since I was clearly terrified before, but I'll admit special treatment when Doctor Dad came to see me in recovery Usually, guests aren't welcome there but he visited and asked that MM be allowed to come back. Seriously, MM gets a Best In Show ribbon for the recovery room time. Due to delays in discharge (they keep spine patients grouped so I needed a room on a specific ward), I was in the recovery room for FIVE HOURS (should be more like one). MM refused an offered chair till they brought it anyway. He held my hand and stroked my hair (Dr. Dad was thrown by the request to "pet my head"...that's when he suggested MM would be better). MM told me he loved me every 15 minutes and told me I'm beautiful, impressive when you have wires everywhere including oxygen and a catheter. MM never left my side. I told him he could go (and send a replacement) so he could sit more comfortably and play online or something but he refused. I imagine we made a sight as I was a bit out of it and he got so tired he was resting on my bed rail. Although it was NOWHERE near as serious, I was reminded of Robin Williams in Good Will Hunting saying the staff knew visiting hours didn't apply to him .

After five hours, the recovery nurse said a room was open. The Ward folks wanted to wait to give me a nicer one (as they do for any friend or relative) but luckily the recovery nurse stepped in and said they should ask and I took it in a second. Honestly, I could care less that it wasn't the largest room (like most on the ward, it was private), I just wanted out of recovery. They wheeled me up (MM followed) and the four parents joined soon after. The rest of that day is fuzzy.

My Mom & stepdad came the next morning (Dad and stepmom waited since they had the post-discharge shift) and stayed all day. Props for sitting in uncomfortable chairs for hours on end when I was hardly interesting. While I'm still not a fan for myself, their Kindles definitely helped. I did have a catheter that was removed on Tuesday (not nearly as terrifying as I imagined). That did mean ringing an aid every time I needed to move and learning the "log roll" technique for getting in and out of bed (fall to your side, prop up on elbow, drop legs, push to seated). MM (who stayed till mid-afternoon) showed off his experience at such things (he has ailing parents) with quite the skill at helping me swing my legs to bed.

PT made a quick visit with the basic BLT rules on Tues...no bending, lifting, or twisting for many months. I knew I was in bad shape when this didn't make me want bacon (though I was thrilled to be upgraded to broader liquids and get tomato soup at dinner). I also got my brace and a visit from the respiratory folks with a breathing "toy" to help build back my lungs.

Wednesday and Thursday went quicker than one might think. I didn't sleep much, despite medicinal help...the first night I needed an aide's help even to shift a bit). My Mom came to the first real PT visit on Wednesday...silly woman probably thought she was done watching me learn to walk and climb steps. They opted to order a walker to help with my shakiness. OT (occupational therapy...life skills, not job stuff) went over stuff one never considers like putting on socks, getting in a car, and opening a fridge. OT seemed never to have gotten my query about avoiding becoming a Sasquatch, though PT helped her suggest Nair (totally failed...darn Italian hair....but a folding chair and trust in knowing I can shave w/o actually seeing my calf did work). I got stronger and better at my log roll....eventually able to do it myself once I figured out the bed lowering button.

I was discharged around 5 on Thursday and stayed with my Dad and step-mom till mid-Saturday. Very little has ever been as welcome as the shower when I got there (had to keep the doors open and use my newly acquired sponge-on-a-stick to avoid bending). Both were helpful nurses and mighty careful of me. Props to the step-nephews for sharing their "Mimi" time and helping move the stool that served as my table. I did overdo things Friday simply by sitting too much...my team didn't limit sitting beyond saying to readjust every 30min, but I just underestimated the energy it took and paid for it at night.

MM has the week off and is a patient caretaker, cleaner of spills, and picker-upper of fallen items. A lot of my pain is at the incision on my belly. I also have a good deal of spasm-y pain in my back and stiffness all around. I wear the brace whenever I'm up except for my shower and it will be around for a few months. I've learned how OFTEN we bend...seriously, I have to go on my toes and pivot at my hips to spit out toothpaste. I have also learned my years of picking things up with my toes can come in quite handy as long as I bring the foot all the way up to my hand instead of meeting it partway (though bigger things require the "grabby" tool from OT). I've gotten used to the log roll for bed but need a mental check for a lot of things. I don't need the walker at home but did take it when we made a store run, partly for the distance but more to alert other people that I need space. I have a meeting tomorroe and plan to bring it for the same reason....the brace is visible but the walker is more so. Also, I am struggling already with the food and body demons. Recovery is SIX MONTHS but I need to remind myself compliance is key to results.

I have a follow-up in a month to check the progress. I was able to avoid a graft so have titanium cages in place of the disc and a protein sponge to encourage the bone to grow. Kinda cool that the surgeon facilitates it but it is really my body that will make the fusion work. The doc, who does multiple disc surgeries a week, said my disc was one of the worst he's seen in YEARS. This is good on two counts: 1) It is a HUGE amount of validation...both back and endo patients know that people can doubt your pain, the doc was VERY clear it was VERY real and quite bad; 2) It means a great chance that the surgery will be a success since the disc was clearly a culprit and I have good stats (age, size) for recovery.

Lessons for others facing similar surgery:

Tell people, including the nursing and aid staff, how to help you. No way Teddy would have been there if I hadn't talked about him being a comfort ahead of time.
Have them close your room door. I thought it'd be too dark the first night so had them crack it but there's really never total dark in a hospital room.
Compromise with concerned caregivers. I wanted to shower alone but agreed to an open door and a few check-in shouts.
5 and 3yo kids are overjoyed to help. I asked the 3yo to move a stool and then had to let the 5yo re-move it so he could help too :P
Tegaderm bandages are easier to pull off than tape (and shower-friendly). My incision is below the navel so I especially appreciate this at the lower edge where the tape hit "fuzzy" areas.
Follow the rules but also know yourself. My talent at picking things up with my toes make the grabby less essential. And the struggle to shave was BEYOND worth it in the feeling-human department.
Useful things: sponge-on-a-stick (OT gave me one but bought a nicer one), a hospital-like tray table (standing and able to slide under stuff...not the breakfast-in-bed kind), good conditioner, a magazine for the bathroom (TMI, but it took time...), bendy straws, books that are engrossing but not too challenging to read, other books to stack under nightstand essentials to make them reachable

Guest Blogging for Another Blogger Recovering from Surgery -- Relationships & Chronic Pain

2011-08-15T10:59:00.000-04:00

I confess....I find so much comfort in finding other blogs from women dealing with issues similar to my own. I hate that others suffer from chronic illness as well, but there's a comfort in not being alone. Endo hasn't been at the top of my mental list lately, but it is a condition that can be very lonely. So, I've enjoyed reading Jamee's thoughts at A New Kind of Normal. And I'm excited to share a guest post I prepared for her...ironically, she just had surgery herself and had assembled guest posts in advance.

Here's a link to my guest post on Relationships & Chronic Pain.

And here's a mental wish for a quick recovery for Jamee and for the surgery to be a rousing success. She's a total fighter who manages to keep a great spirit despite having a nasty battle with endo that even a hysterectomy failed to solve. And she's got an adorable little girl :)

Quick Post-Op

2011-08-12T10:01:00.000-04:00

I confess...I can't really write much yet but wanted to note I was discharged yesterday (late afternoon Thurs). The doc said my disc was very much trashed which makes it clearer that it was the pain source and very likely the surgery will help. I can get around the house without my walker but need it is I leave. Getting in and out of bed is tough and requires a log-roll technique b/c I'm not allowed to arch. The main rules are summed as no BLT....bending, lifting, and twisting. Seriously, you have no clue how often you do those things. The brace isn't fun and I need to wear it if I'm out of bed for more than 10-20min, but it does help remind me of the rules.

scared

2011-08-07T14:00:00.000-04:00

I confess....I'm scared. I believe in the docs and trust they will do well, but I'm still scared....

I'm scared of the IV because I've often been hard to start.
I'm scared of gaining weight.
I'm scared my body won't do it's job and heal. It is supposed to grow bone over the insert and I'm scared it won't do it right because it has so often betrayed me.
I'm scared of being so reliant on others, even though I have such a great support team.
I'm scared of being bored and sad and frustrated.
I'm scared of those emotions leading to comfort eating above and beyond what might be considered a "treat" for myself.
I'm scared of dealing with the forced rest.
I'm scare of gaining weight (yes, I said that twice...if I were honest, it would be 2/3 of the bullet-points.
I'm scared of having trouble with little things...some people have talked about difficulty, ummmm...well...wiping. I am NOT asking for help on that one (though did by wet nap style Charmin).
I'm scared of losing the biceps and triceps and all the other muscles that I worked so hard for and that are such a source of self-validation.
I'm scared of scaring off or abusing MM. He's given me NO reason for this and he is SUCH a good support system, but I'm still scared of taking too much from him.
I'm scared of forgetting my titanium ID card and getting difficulty at the airport or elsewhere. I believe in good screening and think people complain too much about the TSA. It is unlikely I'll set of alarms, and they give me a note in case, but it still is in my head.
I'm scared of pain. Both the short-term and the possibility of it not helping.
I'm scared of gaining weight (come on, y'all know me and can't be surprised).

Truth, it would be wrong and off if I wasn't scared. But I don't usually get anxious (likewise, I don't get overly worked up in positive suspense either)...I take the days as they come, which has its pluses and minuses.

Check-in is in 16h. Putting on my brave face.

The Good Muslim by Tahima Anam -- Partisan but Solid Tale of a Young Nation, Family, and Religion

2011-08-06T17:48:00.000-04:00

I confess....I hurried to finish this one to get the review up before my absence.

When I selected The Good Muslim by Tahmima Anam as an advance read from my lovely Harper friends, I didn't realize that it was the second book in a series of three about a Bangladeshi family. It may have been a different read had I read the prior novel, but I didn't feel disadvantaged by that and TGM can stand fine on its own. I think I've steered clear of my love for 3.5 stars for a while, but this novel calls me back to it and I'm quite torn on rounding for the half-star phobic sites. I've decided to go up to 4 stars, but it is with a bit of hesitation.

There are two time periods addressed in TGW, the mid/late-70s immediately following the revolution that gave Bangladesh its independence and the mid-80s when it is ruled by an unnamed Dictator whom many feel went back on the principles for which they'd fought. I'll admit to very little knowledge of this history. The protagonist is a female doctor who was part of the revolutionary fight and, in the latter time frame, is returning home after having spent a number of years as a rural ob/gyn. She had left in large part due to differences that arose when her brother made a very strong turn towards religion that alienated her and she returns upon his wife's death. The family also includes their mother and the brother's son, a child who has received very little attention and with whom the doctor quickly bonds.

There are a thematic number of threads running through here. There is the question of the revolution's success given the turn from initially liked leader to a dictator. There is the issue of religion and fanaticism, including the impact it has when it is put ahead of family and other matters. There is also a strong element of gender dynamics as the woman doctor relates stories of her patients, the suffering of women during and after the war as a result of rape being used as a weapon, and the doctor's own uncertainty about marriage and her career. The author does a solid job pulling all this off, although it does feel pretty slanted and pointed.

The prose is pleasant and deep without being overpowering. My hesitancy is in large part due to the fact that it feels overtly partisan. Ironically, I don't necessarily disagree with the positions advanced but I do prefer authors who lead you to your own answers rather than pretty much wave them in front of you. It is a good read, 3.5 stars is a solid rating in my world and is positive (I'm tough...when I was part of judging for admission to a journal in law school, they apparently noted that and would round an entry up if it was borderline and I was part of the panel). I'd read the other books if they appeared on my table and maybe if I saw a stellar deal on them, but I also can't see myself seeking them out.

yeah, yeah...more surgery rambles

2011-08-05T10:41:00.000-04:00

I confess...it's all I can think about. Okay, that's not true...I think 95% about surgery-related stuff (anterior lumbar interbody fusion....aka spinal fusion...at L5/S1, set for early on Mon 8/8) and 5% about trying a Nutter Butter Blizzard. The insurance stuff is dealt with so my only other task is to avoid catching a cold. I managed to show up for a pre-op appointment for my first laproscopy with waking pneumonia...really this takes talent, folks...I actually didn't feel as awful as one would think but it meant the surgery had to be postponed. I need this surgery, more each day, and I can't live like this. Bring on the Vitamin C (don't know if it works, might as well try!).

I'm trying to get in what I can before I'm sidelined. We had a very fun evening last Saturday, the type my 33 year old body can only handle a couple times a year. Paid for it on Sunday, but it was a TON of fun and let us expand our friendship with one couple and meet some new folks too (and the bartender said she'll totally push "The Cheryl"..see the first bullet-point here). I tried to clean the shower on Sunday and was reminded that I haven't been able to do much of that stuff in months but I was stubborn since I'll definitely be unable to do it soon. I've also pushed through decent workouts and will hit the gym today for lower body, back, and core...delaying the muscle loss as long as possible. I'll miss my cute "baby biceps." I also need to bring the gym owner my "doctor's note" to pause my membership. It's ironic, in junior high or high school, I'd have PAID for a note excusing me from gym for three to four MONTHS. Now, it sorta made me cry

I've been working on preparing for recovery. I have books stacked up, both my Harper review copies and some other purchases. I also got a notification today that my DVD of Community Season One is en route. I caught on to the show this year and love it, though do prefer the more organic episodes to some of those aimed at parodying certain film styles. MM likes it too which is good. I'll spend 2-3 days in the hospital and then be at my dad's for a bit to delay the car ride (sitting is really hard after a fusion...like 20min at a time hard...luckily the car seats recline well). MM will take me home Fri or Sat and is taking the next week off (I didn't ask him too, he's just that awesome). I told him I get the bedroom TV for silly stuff and he gets the living room, but he likes Community too so it is doubly good. I also bought those ridiculous wet wipes for grownups...TMI but I read they can be a godsend.

The harder part is the mental prep. I've talked a lot about the intricacies of chronic pain. People ask how I can stand to work out when I'm hurting, from the endo and, in recent years, the back. It is pretty simple, if I waited till I was pain-free then I'd really never workout. I like sweets too much for that....well, I like sweets AND fitting in my jeans In the past, playing through pain was the RIGHT choice. It is ultimately good to be at a healthy weight. The endo could be worse with extra fat leading to more estrogen and the back would not be helped at all by excess weight). The back docs have okayed my workouts and even encouraged the strength end (which, I'll admit, I dread but I love the results) as a first-round fight. Once I get going, I often do feel better (gotta love endorphins) although I do get rebound pain that can be pretty bad later, esp from the endo.

Recovery is another ball game. It is NOT good to push, especially early. I need to learn to listen to my body and take it easy. Walking is good. One team member said he'd usually say unlimited walking but he knew not to do that with me. A few 10min slow walks on even turf are good, nine miles (even slow as I've been forced to by the back) are not. The fusion process involves encouraging my bones to grow around the insert, with the help of a protein. Someone pointed out it isn't unlike getting a fracture to heal and that they cast the break for a reason. Failure to behave might make it a total failure.

I'd be in denial for a while (poet!!). I kept saying I was "good at surgery" since I've had five. I've realize this is a LOT bigger deal than those. It is pretty major stuff. I'm working on the mental prep (including "allowing" myself a bit of room on the scale and promising myself I'll be able to get back on track when I'm all fixed). I know it will be long and hard. As a girl, my mom often quoted a road sign she'd seen about a construction zone: "Temporary inconvenience for permanent improvement." That's my mantra. Well, that ad my usual channelling of Dory: "Just keep swimming!" (just using "recovering" as the focus instead of pushing through a w/o).

And I'm totally getting a Nutter Butter Blizzard this weekend.

insurance panic

2011-08-03T17:10:00.001-04:00

(UPDATE: It is okay...the call was about a heavy co-pay but I knew about that)

I confess...this is a total vent. MM isn't home yet and the parents already got emails. I'm scared and so I'm writing.

I got a VM from my insurance company asking me to call ASAP (my cell indicator failed to light up so I returned the 11AM call around 4:30). I'm terrified there's a problem. I'm on my ex's insurance...MA law provides for continued coverage at spousal rates which is lovely since COBRA costs are crazy and I'm still job-less. X is a professor and technically a state employee so the insurance is good BUT focused on MA and becoming more so by the day. I do know I may have to deal with an 80/20 coverage split for being out-of-state. That SUCKS but I'll figure it out. It would cost more to get a new doc and start again (though I'd have my films), both in medical costs and for travel.

Honestly, I truly need this surgery. I get worse by the day and truly feel disabled by the pain. I have such a limited store of energy and have to think through every little task. Dropping a sock makes my heart stop for a moment (luckily, I've always had quite talented feet and can often grab things with my toes...for whatever reason it doesn't hurt to bring it up to me that way if it is light). When MM gets home, he bends over the back of the couch to give me a kiss and I can't always tilt back enough to meet him. The grocery run is much more of a true chore.

I've done it right. I fought through the pain but went to a doctor when it became clear it was more than just soreness. I sought out the right specialists. I tried epidural shots, despite my terror of needles. I spent months in PT in Boston building muscle (some lost during the pain, some neglected) and trying to gain flexibility (I'm never gonna be bendy). I kept it up on my own but sought more PT when I was going further dowhill and that time worked on building my core. After stopping PT, I kept up a solid mix of the two routines and I'm strong despite the fact that it is hard to lift when yoy hurt and are low energy. I've gone through tests, including the scary discogram.

Surgery is what's left. It is scary. I trust the docs but I am nervous about the long and slow recovery. I need it. I'm not living a full life (and neither is MM, though he's been wonderful through this all).

Maybe the insurance folks just need to check an address. But it's going to be a long wait of staring at the phone.

We Need to Talk About Kevin -- Worth the Work

2011-08-02T10:40:00.000-04:00

I confess...I've debated for a while whether or not to include ALL my book reviews here. I always post the Harper ones here since that's part of the whole free book deal, but usually only post the rest at Goodreads and on Amazon. I haven't come to a real conclusion but am going to share this one because some folks expressed curiosity when I started the read and, more honestly, because I'm really trying to spend at least a bit of time focusing on something other than the upcoming challenge.

When I picked up Lionel Shriver's We Need To Talk About Kevin, I knew I was in for an emotionally challenging read. The book is a mother's reflections on raising a son who became the perpetrator of a school shooing in the late 90s (he is annoyed by the fact that the Columbine kids got more media). It is presented as a series of letters to her husband who never quite saw why she was concerned that Kevin was never quite normal from infancy. She readily admits that she was not the best mother and she, and the reader, is left wondering about the nature/nurture divide.

As I said, I knew it would be a challenging topic. I was unprepared for the challenging prose. I can see how it fits the narrator, it is a bit pretentious and wordy and the mother is definitely the type who would write in such a manner. It made it a real struggle to read the book at first and it took about 100 pages for me to adjust, a period during which I was wondering if I'd gotten into a book I would regret starting.

In the end, however, I am glad I stuck it out. Even noting the initial struggle, the book easily gets four stars (of five) from me. I like that the narrator doesn't ask for forgiveness or ignore her own faults. She also openly addresses whether she is giving herself too much "credit" for the creation of Kevin. The author never really falls on either the nature or nurture side, which I appreciate since I'm pretty sure the "answer" lies someplace in the middle. If you've read more or my rambly reviews, you know I'm a reader who focuses on characters over plot and Kevin and his mother are very well-drawn and nuanced. The father feels less so, but that may be appropriate since he is portrayed as caught up in an image of fatherhood that ignores the reality that is his son.

The book is certainly dark, but I also didn't find it as bad as it might have been. There's certainly an aura of evil, but (for those concerned) it didn't feel like the stuff that would cause sleepless nights. It is a study in character and darkness providing lots of fodder for thought. It isn't an easy read, either in style or substance, but I found it worth the work.

excuses vs. explanations...giving context

2011-07-30T10:41:00.000-04:00

I confess...I just wrote out a post to be used be a fellow blogger and endo warrior while she's recovering from an endo-related surgery. In it, I ramble about relationships and chronic pain. I'm not going to write the same ramble here (I will link to it when it is posted or soon thereafter if our blog-free days overlap), but I do want to take an element from it.

Years ago, I hit on a magic phrase (or magic sentiment...uncharacteristically, I'm not tied to exact words). It may have been when I was writing a note to some of the legal support staff at my firm when I knew the upcoming week would be a hard one for me. At the time, I did take one week off the BCP every four months (I no longer do) and I knew that week would be very painful. I also knew I'd likely become a bit snippy and that grumpiness trickles down. So I warned some folks ahead of time and apologizes in advance. The concept I hit upon that I've loved since: It's not an excuse, it's an explanation.

I love this concept. I don't get a free pass when I feel crappy. I'm still responsible for my words and actions. But there is some context and I do think that has relevance. On the personal side, I might blow a little thing out of proportion when the pain has worn me down. I won't necessarily disavow the sentiment (still don't like that the glass I was using disappeared), but I will admit I took it too far. The pain doesn't excuse this. But it does explain why it happened.

I was once on a Miss Manners style chat to ask a question about public transit. Another guest was asking about what to say when her son, who had underlying issues, acted inappropriately. She wanted to be able to acknowledge it was wrong (and would let the son know too), but also let the other people know the background. Miss Manners didn't have a great response and asked if anyone else had thoughts. I shared my context and said I thought the same concept of explanations instead of excuses. The mother really liked it, as did Miss Manners who said she might have to steal it for her own arsenal.

It really is a versatile concept. It fits my pain days when I'm not at my best. It fits conditions that can lead to awkward social moments. It can also fit coming home after a bad day at work and snapping at a partner or child. It doesn't ask for a free pass. It also, where appropriate, doesn't suggest there's nothing relevant underlying the outburst. It can be tough to remember in the moment sometimes (almost by definition you aren't thinking fully when you need it), but it's a great addition to the arsenal.

bulletpoints are enabling tools for the rambler

2011-07-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

I confess....totally time for some bullet points.

I love my red wine, but I've also long wanted a "signature drink" as well. I love the Friday's version of a Sidecar but it hasn't always come out well elsewhere. A couple weeks ago, heat inspired a move away from red wine and a tiny alteration to a classic totally worked for me. You should order "The Cheryl"...cranberry and VANILLA vodka, lime optional. The vanilla softens it up and I can pretend it is healthy due to the juice (esp since one bar had light cran so less extra sugar).
I'm in love with Say Yes to the Dress. I'm not a reality show watcher and I am also not the girly-girl type who is obsessed over wedding stuff. I partly like the family dynamics that are showcased but I think I really just enjoy watching women of all shapes and sizes light up when they find something that makes them feel beautiful. Yay for flattering rather than hiding and for celebrating beauty beyond supermodels.
I have long pondered how we talk to little girls. I've tried to steer away from a knee-jerk comment calling a young girl pretty or even praising her cute clothes or hair. I was gratified to find that an online article raised this issue and got people talking about it. But I still struggle with it a bit....it is simply easier to tell a kid they are cute than find a more constructive comment, especially in the context of a quick meeting. Is it better to say nothing at all or fall back on a focus on the physical?
The back doc said it is likely I'll be a smidge taller post-surgery, partly from standing straighter without pain and also from the insert. He laughed when I suggested I wanted to be 5'6" (I round up to 5'4") but I'll take a few millimeters. He also laughed when I asked if he could remove the "pooch" since they are going in through the lower abdomen.
Toenail polish is definitely one of the perks of being a girl (well...controversy-free polish). I tend to be a pretty simple gal in terms of clothing and I rarely paint my fingernails, but I love fun colors on my toes. They are currently quite blue (bonus points for covering yet another injured toenail) and they make me smile. I have especially enjoyed a fun color like silver on them in the winter when no one sees them so they are my little secret for myself.
A bit back, a website with lot of little posts had a story on a woman nabbing a guy trying to rob her store, tying him up, feeding him Viagra and raping him for days. The story turned out to be a hoax but that didn't leave me any happier since my true shock was at the comments. A good 75% of the replies said it was hilarious, awesome, or justified (he was an unarmed burglar). Beyond disgusted by the replies that NEVER would have been there if there was a gender flip. This may become a larger topic in the future...it was an especially severe example of tolerating disparate treatment that includes "Fix My Man" segments, Dumb Husband TV ads, and an ad with a girl cyber-stalking the boy who "doesn't know he's my boyfriend...yet."
I am still applying to a range of jobs. My focus is simply things I would do well, where my skills would transfer to a new settings, and things I might enjoy. It made me smile to get a reply from one hiring person noting I was a lawyer and applying for quite a non-lawyer gig. Loved that he ASKED rather than tossing me aside. And that he seemed to really enjoy my lengthy reply.
I'm mentally creating a lineup of On Demand TV episodes for recovery. I'd suggested the upgraded cable in the bedroom wasn't really needed, but I'll appreciate the docs say even 20min of sitting will be a struggle for some time.
Still debating the blog revamp mentioned yesterday. I kinda like being free-flowing but I'm also quite the fan of structure (I know, you're shocked...).

Pre-Op -- Bloodwork Done, Mental Prep in Progress

2011-07-27T10:17:00.000-04:00

I confess...I got scared. And I'm not the scared type. I don't tend to get a ton of nerves, though that also means I don't get super-excited either. I'm not sure why. It may be control-related....while I crave control, I recognize when I don't have it. If I can control it, I fret. If I can't, I usually don't.

So I guess that actually fits quite well. I had my pre-op appointment yesterday and the big day is August 8. I'll be having an anterior lumbar fusion at L5/S1. They use titanium and a bone growing medicine so I don't have the problems associated with a bone harvest (and titanium means it doesn't interfere with things like MRIs and should be okay in airport scanners and such, though I get a note in case). The anterior part means they go in through the belly. This does mean another surgeon is involved to help the back doc get to the spine, but it is actually much easier than going in the back since that means dealing with a lot of muscle. They can actually go in between the abdominal muscles (I think there are some in there under the not-muscle!!) and that all makes healing easier. I'll be in the hospital 2-3 days and then stay with my Dad and step-mom for a couple days (in Lancaster, PA). Mom and Step-dad will be there for the surgery and next day...though I'll see them in recovery, not pre\-op since Mom will be nervous too and is self-aware enough to know it would add to my stress beforehand so is letting MM, Dr Dad, and step-mom take that shift. MM will be there Mon and Tues and then may go work a bit since I'll have folks around and he will come pick me back up Friday or so.

I've had five surgeries so I'm a vet, but this is a much bigger deal (prior were two ENT-related and three pelvic laporoscopies for endo) and the first overnight. As with the prior ones, I am not really worried about surgery itself. I tend to trust that doctors can do their jobs, especially since I'm a pretty straight-forward case. It's an unusual day for me, but it is a regular day for the doc (well, maybe a little different since he's got his partner's daughter on the table). I am, however, beyond needle-phobic. I think that's partly b/c I had several childhood bugs that left me really dehydrated and necessitated IV rehydration. I don't have great veins (they hold up for little things but not for IVs) and they would be even less friendly when I was dehydrated so it often took several tries leaving bruises on my arms and eventually ending up with the IV in a hand. I always warn the IV giver and find they are usually better than I expected, though the last one (for one of the tests) was pretty awful. I am totally a watcher (control again) but just remind myself that I get some meds to help me relax as soon as it is in.

But the part I'm really dreading (and, fitting my theory, the part I can control) is the recovery process. I was a bit surprised to find they usually tell people to wait TWO MONTHS before resuming a full time desk job. I have some nibbles on the line...one would be a slow enough process but the other will require some maneuvering. I might suggest a trial period of PT work...clearly for the purpose of proving I rock since I'm a non-traditional candidate. One of the quirks that people might not know about back pain is that sitting is actually pretty much the hardest thing, way more so than standing, and it will be a while before I can handle long spells. Luckily, we just upgraded the cable package in the bedroom :)

Then there's the gym habit. Truly, the gym addiction. They very much encourage walking, but I'm pretty sure they don't mean my 9mile, two hour, marathon treadmill dates. They haven't yet said much about limits but it sounds like it'll be pretty obvious I can't do much at all (and they'll give more details after). I need to reframe things a bit. I'm used to working through pain. As a chronic pain fighter, I'd never workout if I waited till I was pain free. I've also fought through it because the workout was not going to be hurtful...neither the endo nor the back injury itself were made worse by activity. That won't be the case after surgery....balancing the right amount of rest and movement will be crucial to proper and speedy healing. I'll also have a brace to wear when I'm out of bed for more than a quick bathroom jaunt. Maybe keeping that sweat-free will be another aid in taking it slow.

I am contemplating a blog revamp post-surgery but haven't really decided yet. I follow a lot of blogs and find the best and most-visited have some regular flow to them. I'm pondering a thrice weekly schedule with Monday Musings (assorted ponderings, bullet point fun, pain/ED/body image stuff, and my take on random issues), Wednesday Weekly Reader (I loved the Weekly Reader...this will have reviews when ready, updates or just general book-related rambles other times), and Friday Finds (stuff I'm digging whether fancy or dollar-store style). Does that sound cheesy or interesting? I can always try it and revert back if it fails....I was into the idea at first but I'm feeling more in doubt now.

Examining Personal History and Family Unravellings - Deborah Lawrenson's The Lantern

2011-07-24T11:39:00.000-04:00

I confess....I was a bit ambivalent as I began reading Deborah Lawrenson's The Lantern (via an advance copy from Harper). My previous journey into a novel marked as gothic had not gone well. It isn't fair to place that weight on a book, or a genre, but I like to admit my biases. In this case, the admission probably gives more weight to the fact that I ended up quite enjoying this book and giving it 4 (of 5) stars.

The story is set in Southern France and alternates between two women residing in the same home, a present-day narrator who is referred to as Eve by her new boyfriend with whom she's just relocated and an older woman reflecting on her life at the estate that had long been in her family. I do enjoy dual narrator tales generally and appreciated that it wasn't difficult to keep them distinct in my head. The modern-day narrator jumped in fast with her fellow and is left wondering what she really knows about him when he clams up about his past and his former wife. The second narrator tells of her family's difficulties and watching the family and the home fall into disrepair. The stories do eventually weave together in a way that felt more satisfying that I would expect since I tend to dislike such "neat" endings.

The prose is lovely and definitely makes the reader want to journey to the region. I didn't find it too arty or pretentious, just well-crafted and chosen. There are hints of the supernatural throughout (which I guess gives it the Gothic label) but they aren't too overwhelming, something I disliked in my prior attempt at the genre. It felt more akin to what I call "literary mysteries" like The Thirteenth Tale and The Forgotten Garden, more about uncovering the past and considering how it impacted the present with the ghosts both figurative and literal than about creaky doors and evil spirits. Recommended to folks who like novels that explore family, personal history, and character.

Reality High (School)...or, perhaps more accurately, Rambler Reality High

2011-07-21T18:16:00.000-04:00

I confess...I watch Glee. Aside from the fact that we never burst out into song, I'm often caught by how different TV high school is from my own experience. I think there's two primary sources of discord here, one that is simply about who I was as a young teen and the other is about how my school stood quite distinct from any I've really seen on TV.

Although they've since caught on to the error in planning, at the time I went through the doors, my district consisted of nine elementary schools (flooded and flowing out into trailers), three junior highs (the same), and a single high school (jammed in tight). I do think it is typical to have more lower schools, both because they serve a larger number of grades and to represent the desire for keeping the small ones close, but this was simply poor planning. Our high school only served grades 10-12 and even then we were busting at the seams. I was in the "tiny" class with about 800 students, the school overall encompassed about 2500 teens. My mind boggles at the amount of hormones in that place.

The size in itself accounts for some differences. The Saved By The Bell kids lingered in the halls and talked between classes. Not so much at my school. Granted, my social status came into play in my hallway experience, but everyone pretty much had to book it just to get across the building in the five minutes allotted between classes. I'm not sure I ever visited my locker other than before lunch (which 2 of the 3 years was around 1PM, just before the last class of the day...in 10th grade, it was more like 10:30AM), let alone had deep conversations there. In fact, I tended to walk with my elbows turned out a bit in order to avoid being swept along with the crowd in the wrong direction. At my tiny little liberal arts college, you were sure to run into anyone you wished to avoid. In contrast, I heard names at high school graduation that I hadn't heard since 4th grade. Kelly could totally have avoided Steve after a mistaken hook-up and Brenda wouldn't see Dylan on the way to every class.

Until the funding fights unravelled on Glee, cheerleaders abounded. I met a cheerleader from my high school last year, during my stop back at my parents' house. I'm really not sure I ever knew one before. I'll admit the bias here that I was in a pretty narrowly defined group of Honors Class kids so really only attended class with a small portion of my peers and we probably had our own social world (though I am fairly sure several dance crowns went to a fellow honors kid). But I still don't recall skirted cheer-gals parading around. There was no room for the crowds to part in awe as the Mean Girls walked by.

In every TV show, the high school world includes a lot of heads-in-the-toilet, kids-stuffed-in-lockers, and (the latest trope) of the Slushy facial. It would be hard to be less popular than I was in those days. I could chat with some of my classmates, but I can count on one hand (maybe half-a-hand) the number of times I ventured out socially. But none of that stuff happened in my high school world. Junior high got vicious at times. I was pants-ed in gym class, popped between the shoulders daily by a boy in my homeroom every day of 7th grade, and relentlessly mocked until I'd ask for a pass to the nurse to escape. But this was done by high school and I'm fairly sure this wasn't unique to me or even to my school. By high school, I was just ignored. The teasing pretty much stopped. I simply didn't exist. Which isn't fun either, but is quite different. Of course, it makes for pretty boring TV (and a bit of a boring three years from a social standpoint).

I never had to carry a sack-of-flour baby. Or plan for a science fair. Slater, Jessie, Zach, and Kelli didn't head EVERY club and pull off a stunt for every assignment. We didn't eat on the lawn or run to the Peach Pit during study hall. I heard about study hall, but never knew anyone who had onel. Despite these obvious gaps in my schooling, I did have some amazing teachers and cannot complain these. I read stuff in high school that other people didn't encounter until their graduate programs (Kant, Chaucer, Upton Sinclair). I was VERY well-prepared for college. I was used to working. Hard. A lot of my teachers held graduate degrees. Tracking kids into ability groups bothers me in theory, but I sure as heck benefited from it (as I've rambled on about before). I don't know what our football program cost, but I give the school the credit of assuming that the AP program cost more.

I hid in the crowd for my three years in high school. I'll own that and own that my actions shaped my experience. I chattered with the other honors kids but didn't really ever ASK to be included in their non-school world (and they did have one). I wasn't a Rambler then (though I probably raised my hand too much), but I was a Watcher. And I'm pretty sure none of the creators of TV High wandered the halls I walked.

I'd say you couldn't pay me to go back, but I doubt that's true. You could. But it'd take a lot.

Two Quick Reads, Very Different Reviews: The Family Fang & This Beautiful Life

2011-07-18T11:00:00.000-04:00

I confess...few things make me smile more than a nice stack of books on my "To Read" pile. It did diminish more quickly than normal though b/c these were both quick reads. I've mentioned it before, but I only put my ARC (fancy speak for Advance Reader Copies) reads here, though I have pondered a sub-blog on books after seeing one recently. Anyway, I do review most books I read and the other reviews go on Amazon (though they don't let me post before publication) and also Goodreads. You should "friend" me on GR (and be a follower here...'cause I'm obviously fascinating).

The Family Fang by Kevin Wilson

I really wasn't quite sure what to expect when I opened this book (which Harper provided to me in return for my honest review). What I found was an often comic look at a family with an edge of commentary on society, art, and parenthood. Caleb and Camille Fang have dedicated their life to their unique style of "art" which generally involves creating some sort of unannounced public spectacle and watching the unsuspecting "audience" react. They initially feared children might be a barrier to their unusual work, but instead they found adding the children (Annie and Buster, or "Child A" and "Child B" in showcases where they display film documenting the events)to their events gave them even more to work with.

The book's present looks at Annie and Buster as young adults struggling to find their place in the world. They both find themselves back home after having decided to leave their parents lifestyle behind. When their parents go missing under curious circumstances, they have to decide if they are really crime victims or are just framing another Fang event. The chapters go between this present and moments in the past featuring past Fang events.

This was an easy and quick read. I can't quite say I loved it, but I did really enjoy it. I think Wilson does a remarkable job of creating a comic and fun story with a really complex undercurrent that asks how the Fang lifestyle of spectacle and art impacted the children who were often pawns in their parents work. I like that the reader is given a lot of room to make their own conclusions about the art and the social ramifications of it. I'm torn on my opinion of the ending, which did have elements that caught me by surprise. But I'm more than confident giving it a full 4 stars out of 5. Quick read that will amuse and give you plenty to ponder.

This Beautiful Life by Helen Schulman

I'll admit my bias here and note that I can be a bit skeptical of the "ripped from the headlines" style of plot. I will glance at such a book with a bit of curiosity but tend to live my headline ripping to Law & Order types (though I really only like the Lenny-era reruns). I was curious though and hopeful when I started this book, provided to me by Harper in exchange for an unbiased review.

The Bergamot family is the picture of an upper-middle class family with a working dad, an educated mom who now stays home, a teenage son trying to fit in to a new school, and a kindergarden aged daughter adopted from China. They recently relocated to NYC from the quiet world of Ithaca for the father to explore a job offering both financial and personal rewards. This world, still one in transition as they all gain their footing in the city society, is blown apart when a younger teen girl (13 to his coming-up-on 16) sends a (disturbingly) pornographic email to the teenage son in an attempt to show him she's not too young for him (his rebuff of her at a party). The son sends it to another boy, largely out of shock and not knowing how to respond, and it snowballs from there passing to the whole school and eventually pretty widely beyond that.

The author explores how this incident impacts the full family from the father's work world to the mother's social circle as well as the school lives of the children. I appreciated that the author followed the whole family rather than focusing on one member and explored the different ways one event can hit different individuals. I just didn't feel it went deep enough. We do get to visit the thoughts of Mom, Dad, and Son with chapters focusing on each character. I appreciated this tactic but it still felt substantially lacking. I do not need to like characters in the books I read but I need to be interested in them and I just wasn't. I will note (w/o any true spoilerage) that the ending gives a peek into the future of the characters that I actually found more interesting than the main book itself.

The last few pages aside, I'm inclined to round down on this one. I want to give it 2.5 stars but neither GR nor Amazon allow halfs so I'm going to go with 2 stars out of 5. I always feel a bit bad writing a negative review but also think good reviews are meaningless if one isn't honest with the other end of the spectrum. This just didn't "do it" for me.

post 200+1...more fit tips

2011-07-14T16:06:00.001-04:00

I confess...almost every time I post, I find myself wanting to come back and add more. This time, I'm indulging myself and adding a few more tips for the exer-phobic. Of course, these came to me during my workout...often the case but even more so here (and another pro to exercising...it is a great time for thoughts to pop in your head).

(For ease, here's Part One)

If you use a plate-loaded machine or dumbbells, etiquette demands you put back the weights. That said, you'll inevitable encounter a machine that you want to use where someone has left their weights on the machine. Inevitably, the folks who leave them have left behind 100lb plates or other large-ish ones, never a 5 pounder. Do feel okay asking for help moving them...I do it. Most people (okay, I mostly ask men b/c they are more likely to be able to help) are happy to help. I will admit I scope out the right person to ask to be sure: 1) they can lift them w/o getting hurt (or would be honest instead of macho) and 2) they will get that I genuinely need help and am not hitting on them.
If you are new, you might worry about stepping into a gym. Here's the truth -- I do notice new folks, especially folks clearly new to the fitness front. But I am NOT thinking anything bad. In fact, I'm often wondering if there's a polite way to say "Go you!" and express my admiration. I also know that it is harder to start at a higher weight...I admire those folks even more. So I do notice you, but you should be PROUD to be there.
When I do weights, I'll switch between exercises rather than rest between sets. For example, I'll do a set of biceps, then a set of shoulder presses, and then back to bis. The experts will say this technique is good because it gets your pulse up and adds a cardio element. Honestly, I like it because it gets me done faster!
There's no need to be fashionable, unless the cute clothes provide you with motivation. I do, however, find it helps to where clothes made for fitness rather than an old tee. The tech clothes will help wick away sweat and are less likely to get soaked and heavy. I sweat a LOT. Target has great deals...especially if you can get away with a Girls L or XL (not much shape to them, but I don't care at the gym).
If you run, get fitted for shoes at a real running store. Sports Authority isn't going to do this. Look for something specifically aimed at runners where the staff will examine your gait and help you find the best shoes to keep you injury-free.
I was initially scare by the machines that say "Hammer Strength". Don't be! They are GREAT, especially for newbies. All it really means is the left and right each lift their own weight. This means your strong side can't cheat and help the weaker side. These are often "plate-loaded" machines (you put the round weight plates on them)...those look scary but really are the same as the other machines, just with more options in weight load.
In the last post, I mentioned that you shouldn't fear bulking up (if you are a woman). Along with this goes the fact that you should lift weights that are heavy enough that you are tired after 10-12 reps and don't feel able to do much more. This does mean you need different weights for different exercises...your biceps are likely stronger than your triceps so you need different weights for each. Push yourself....stay safe, but a workout is WORK. I often want to go over to a healthy young woman using 5lb weights for a bicep curl and hand her 10s...I bet she could do it. And get better results.
I'm a treadmill addict. I know running outside has bio-mechanical benefits and has even been shown to be mood boosting. But, again, it's about what works for you. Frankly, I need the TV on to help me keep going...and the fact that I'd fall off the belt if I didn't keep moving. I also like the feedback. Calorie counts are HORRID on machines, though better on treadmills than others, but the distance and speed are helpful markers.
light

wherein I talk about building a healthy body (and celebrate post 200!)

2011-07-14T11:13:00.003-04:00

I confess...I could write a book review but decided to delay it (and couple two reviews together) because I want a more exciting TWO HUNDREDTH post! Thanks to anyone who reads this. I like writing and I do it in part for myself, but I like being heard and I do think I have things of value to share (and want more people to be "followers" even though I know you see it on FB). In that vein, I'm going to use this post to share thoughts on how to get and keep a fit body.

I'm often asked about what I do to stay in shape...especially, by folks who knew me when I was 35lbs larger. This difference is actually bigger than the scale shows since I've added a ton of muscle. In truth, this is going to be a bit of a "do as I say, not as I do" piece (though I'll make acknowledgment of that at points)...I have some not-so-great habits that I don't think others should share b/c they come from an unhealthy place in my head. That said, I do have a lot of knowledge so here's some of it, aimed at someone looking to get started in the fitness game:

This will be long....but it will have bullets to help :P

GENERAL WORKOUT TIPS

There's lots out there on what is the "best" activity, both for weight loss and just for heart health. The info can be helpful but I think it is better to start by thinking about what you can stick to. If running is awful, try a kickboxing class. If you are better working out alone, maybe an elliptical would work. You need something you will keep doing. I don't think you need to love it...that's ideal but not always realistic...but you need to be willing to stick to it.
In that vein -- It is GREAT if you love your fitness routine. But plenty of folks don't. I love the results and I love the feeling when my workout is finished (esp. when it was early AM and I had done a great w/o before the rest of the world woke up!). That's enough to keep me motivated.
Likewise, don't worry about what time of day experts says is best. Schedule your workouts when you are best able to maintain the habit. For me, this has varied over time...in Atlanta, I hit the gym on the way home; in Boston, it was early AM; now, I kick off my workouts between noon and one.
Make it a habit. Making a habit is hard, but it is SO worth it. It becomes routine, like a cup of morning coffee (okay, maybe not THAT easy). Experts say 21 days makes a habit...I'd go more like a month. But once you've got it as part of your routine, it is MUCH easier to keep it going. In Boston, I'd often remind myself how hard the AM habit was to start and that would motivate me when the alarm felt way too early. It is easier to stay on the bandwagon than it is to get back on if you fall.
That said, do know that sometimes rest IS best. It can be tough to judge, but if you truly need the extra sleep or are truly over-sore, then REST (though sometimes I find a light w/o a better fix for soreness than total rest). Just be truly honest about whether it is a matter of needing the rest or just being a bit lazy. One tip I read a lot that I do think has merit (but works better for PM w/o...not so much for first-thing folks) is to start a w/o with the promise that you can quit after 15min if you still aren't feeling it. Often, you'll keep going but sometimes it'll confirm the need to rest.
Make it EASY...well, as easy as possible. When I went after work, I packed my gym stuff the night before and put it in the car. When I got in the car, I put it right next to me to help resist the urge to skip (I also put my purse in the trunk to make it harder to divert to comfort food). When I went before 5AM, I put my clothes out the night before...I even tucked the socks in the shoes (some are right/left specific but that took too much attention in the AM)....I could be in the building gym in about 5min which saved time. I honestly wasn't truly awake until halfway through the treadmill date.
Like many women, my genes have me carrying some not-muscles on my middle...I doubt I could see a six-pack without getting to an unhealthy low weight. My thighs were still a bit jiggly even at my very lowest weight (when losing more would have been unhealty). It is sometimes important to recognize that our bodies are programmed to gain and lose in certain ways. Work for YOUR best healthy self...not a magazine cover.

CARDIO

I will admit I do too much cardio. I won't tell you how much b/c I know hearing it from other people would hit a competitive bone in me. My overdoing it is partly tied to the limitations of my injured body and also because unemployment makes for long days. I do, however, always take a full day off each week and that is essential...both for sanity and for health. I think most people looking for weight loss should aim around 4-5 cardio sessions a week of 30-45 min.
Okay...this is tough to put in the right words. A woman I knew in an online fitness forum once remarked about how slow she felt compared to other runners there. I spent some time in phrasing it right when I noted that she was a good bit bigger than the women she compared herself to and that they'd have slowed down too if they carried a 75lb backpack. The point here is that cardio should be a workout for you and at a pace right for you. Heavier people work harder in many exercises (i.e. walking, running, aerobics classes). Don't go too hard or push yourself to meet someone else's goals Just work to steadily improve YOUR times.
Intervals can be great. The exercise scientists will say it is fabulous for your metabolism and it seems to be backed up. But it also helps prevent boredom and it can help you improve over time. I had never run (see this post for my history) and started by fiddling with the treadmill on a Manual setting and trying to run a bit longer each week. I worked on increasing time first, it can be a bit too much to try and add time and speed at the same time.

WEIGHTS

DO THEM! I think the message has gotten around but it is worth repeating that the vast majority of women are not going to get crazy bulky. Female bodybuilders work crazy hard to get that way. A standard routine, even a tough one, won't make that happen. We're not wired that way. But strength training will give you such a great, fit appearance (I'd say "toned" but I get skittish with that word...building muscle and getting toned are the same but I feel like people treat them differently. A pound of muscle weighs the same as a pound of fat BUT it takes up a lot less space so LOOKS very different. It is also metabolically active which means it burns calories even at rest. More muscle = more cookies without the guilt or gain.
If you can afford it, time with a good trainer is totally worth it. I'm generally a solo gym gal, but I did learn the ropes first. You don't need a long contract, a few sessions with someone who can show you the ropes is plenty and so much more informative than any article or blog. Ideally, the training session can be wherever you will be working out regularly so it fits the equipment (or lack thereof...you can develop strength with at home work too using body weight and maybe a few dumbbells to supplement). Ask for recommendations and check they have a certification (other websites have better info on that). Pick a personality that fits you....I couldn't deal with a Jillian Anderson yelling at me and I prefer a trainer who looks "real" and has an attainable figure, not a model type (both b/c I like some muscle and I just want a source of inspiration, not perfection that feels impossible in a normal life).
I've never been a fan of whole body workouts, but plenty of people like them and some particularly advocate them for beginners. I prefer a "split" which just means focusing on different body parts on different days. My current one isn't the most rational but I do two days a week with upper body on one and lower body and back on the other. The following split is where I started though and more rational given that most exercises overlap a bit (i.e. back and biceps are often hit together...so my split isn't good for consecutive days:

Day 1 - shoulders/chest/triceps
Day 2 - back/biceps
Day 3 - legs

I currently do two 30min strength sessions. That's plenty to maintain. When I did the three day split, it was three 20min sessions. More is would be better, but that is enough to get results.
Do notice and applaud your progress. Look at those new muscles in the mirror during the workout! For me, my biceps showed a bit of definition first but it's the triceps that make me smile since they took longer to "pop". Looking at them helps with motivation.
I do weights before strength. People go back and forth on what is "best" but I ignore that. I'd leave the gym without doing weights. I wouldn't leave without cardio. Therefore, I do weights first simply to make sure I do them.
I do core work after both strength sessions. My routine focuses on "deep core" because it is more aimed at helping my injury than at bikini wear.

Food

I honestly can't give as much advice here because I am pretty messed up myself. That's a tip in itself....DO work on feeding yourself right, but DON'T let it carry you away. I think counting calories can be really helpful, but don't let it take over your life.
If you do count, eat ENOUGH. Magazines always warn women to not dip under 1200cal/day. To many women, that then becomes a goal. Perfection. But, for most women, that's WAY too little. Your body will NOT function well with too little fuel, just like your car wouldn't run on empty. You will lose weight better on a bit more because your body isn't freaking out...our bodies are programmed to hold on to every morsel if we eat too little...it thinks you are starving and protects. If you eat more (but still less than you burn), it will behave better.
And that's the key...in versus out. I think most women need at least 1500 calories a day to lose weight in a healthy manner, 1800 to maintain (more if you workout harder). Of course, it varies by individual, including by age, activity level, and size. And 210 calories of fruit may be the same number as 210 in a candy bar but nutrients are important too. And healthy calories are almost always more filling so you are satisified longer after a salad than a cookie.
If programs help you, Weight Watchers is great. I think it is more of a lifestyle shift than a short-term fix and short-term fixes don't last. I think packaged food plans can help if you had a specific gain (i.e. extra weight due to stress) and they just get back to your norm. You DO need to make the right choices on WW though....I tried for a bit and used my points poorly which meant I got WAY too few calories.
Healthy weight loss is SLOW. It might go faster at first, especially if you have a lot to lose, but ultimately one pound a week can be the best goal. Yes, it is slow...but it will LAST because you are building a better lifestyle rather than using a temporary fix and then going back to old habits and regaining the loss.
I think veggies are magic. They are filling and nutrient dense but low in calories. Fruit is great too, but you do need to keep more of an eye on the calories.
I'm HORRIBLE about this, but to avoid judgmental language. It isn't productive to talk about "good" and "bad"...try "nutritious" and "splurge". Further, I hate that the word "diet" is unfairly tie to the short-term fixes. I prefer to use "diet" to mean your overall eating style.
Have fun and allow yourself some indulgences. Michelle Obama got slammed for going out for a burger, fries, and a shake, but I admire her for it. A healthy lifestyle has room for some splurges.

I'm not a doctor. I'm not a nutritionist. I'm not a certified trainer. But I have spent a lot of time both reading and learning by doing. I hope this is helpul to others looking to start or keep on their journey.

(I gave in and made a Part Two with some added tips).

bullets are kinda like fireworks...well, in my head that makes sense

2011-07-08T10:24:00.000-04:00

I confess...I have nothing to put in this spot but I feel compelled to keep my silly little formatting gimmick.

Responding to a comment I made about the distinction between "Not Guilty" and "Innocent," a former professor (and a forever model of an amazing woman) noted that some nations have a "Not Proven" verdict. I think that a LOT of people need a reminder of that concept.
One more Casey-related bullet -- I am so angry about the awful backlash and horrid comments I see made about the jurors. I don't envy them their role but admire the seriousness with which they clearly took their task. The quick timeline doesn't tell me they rushed, it tells me it was simply all to clear that the burden of proof hadn't been met and they recognized it, even if their hearts told them she was to blame. I hope the jurors find support as they move back to their normal lives.
I have continued to be impressed by Elizabeth Smart. Such a poised young woman. I hope that self-awareness truly runs deep and isn't merely a mask.
Apparently leaning forward repeatedly over several hours (as I did for this event), adds up. I didn't feel too bad on the 4th (the harder point was getting to the ground to sit for the fireworks), but the 5th was about the worst I can remember. A warm bath on the 6th was definitely a big push forward (and sweet since it was drawn for me, including lavender salts) and it is returning more to the "norm"...but I'm looking forward to no longer considering a 7-8 pain level a normal day.
The Doctors (warning: a talking ad starts when you link....those are a pet peeve of mine, ads are a tolerable necessity but please keep 'em quiet) is an odd guilty addition to my TV habits. I do other stuff (umm, like writing draft blogs) while watching and doubt I could really make it a full-attention event but I somehow can't look away. Not a big Jillian Michaels fan but I'll pretend I shall be employed before she joins.
Say Yes To the Dress is even more of a guilty pleasure. It is so out of character for me...I don't watch wedding shows or The Bachelor/ette or any other reality shows (unless House Hunters counts...which is kinda a similar show). I like the attention to emotion. I also really enjoy the shows focused on plus-sized brides. They totally focus on making the women feel beautiful as they are and finding a dress that flatters their curves rather than just hiding them.
One more TV show comment -- I hope they don't cancel Men of a Certain Age. I have the season finale waiting on On Demand. I think TNT has failed to market it well and I'm not sure their weird split seasons work well for it, but I think it is a great drama with so many nuances to the characters.
I did buy shorts. I was desperate and committed to a one-stop shop which meant I ended up a size up since Ross seems to pretend I don't exist. I did look in Juniors but I wouldn't have worn those at 16, let alone 33.
In true suburban fashion, our backyard opens to another house's backyard. In true central PA fashion, across the street from the is a big field. That field played home to fireworks last night (side note: I think the fire company having fireworks at their fair has a bit of irony to it). It was a simpler show than we saw on the 4th, but it was pretty cool to be all of 250 feet away (put VIP seats to shame). The walls of the house rattled with the booms...I wanted to run in for ear plugs but figured it might be over by the time I found them. Related: There is a funnel cake truck parked less than a quarter mile from our door. How cruel!
I hate the TV trope of dumb men and smart wives. The Fiber One commercial where the man says "fiber makes me sad" and then the wife smirks when he eats a fiber-filled granola bar is particularly crazy-making. On the other hand, I love the woman in a bug-control-product ad...her husband says "She has a problem with bugs" and the woman clarifies, "I have a problem with bugs IN MY HOUSE." Totally me.
I am NOT a couponer. I do follow one coupon blog because it goes beyond just clipping and the woman has an amazing spirit (sadly, she was hit by a car this week and is in the hospital...I wish her well). But I totally got it during a CVS visit. I had a magazine coupon for a free PowerBar Protein Plus. CVS had a deal where you bought one and got the full amount back in a coupon to use on your next visit ("free" money, $2.59 towards just about anything). So I got a free bar (well, actually I got the Bites...they were good for a driving day) AND made two and a half dollars. I definitely got a rush and suddenly understood the couponer folks a bit.
I have a nice stack of books on my nightstand and it makes me smile just to see all the books waiting to be visited.

true spirit, in a little package

2011-07-05T09:52:00.000-04:00

I confess...I am conflict averse enough to overthink every post, especially with quite a range of views among my audience. But, anyway...

After a party on the 3rd, I spent much of the 4th itself at Fourth Fest, a party thrown in State College with food and and a fair atmosphere and one of the country's largest fireworks shows. I went with MM and helped out at the Operation Thank You booth manned by the Air National Guard (and some volunteers and partners) where they took donations for care packages and had people write notes to troops overseas.

Most people looked up a bit as they tried to find what they wanted to say. I get that. I'm still a pacifist and I'm still not fond of our current wars. But I have always supported our troops, recognizing that we do need people willing to sacrifice and take on the battles (even if I disagree with some of them). We do need a defense system (even if I'm not sure we need the current cost level) and that will always mean needing people willing to risk their lives for the cause. The littlest kids drew "pictures" and I suggested their adult companion help them write their name and age. Slightly older ones asked for help from their parents or the booth folks.

But one little girl stole the day. She walked up alone and asked for a card. She didn't have anyone telling her what to write. I don't recall the second line right now, but it started "Dear soljer, Thank you for being brave." She drew a picture too (and some adults paused on the spelling, she was certainly young enough for the effort to count). Yeah, the pacifist nearly cried and a few of the folks in uniform got teary too. There was just something so genuine and real. It wasn't a totally different message but it was her own voice and her words and so sweet. I actually saw Mom lurking and waved her up to share it and commend her daughter.

I didn't read most cards. This girl had just walked and written with an air that drew me. Unlike the guy who I'd have been a bit scared to meet in a dark parking lot (yes, judgment....but honest). He wrote for a while and fiercely. I waited till he was gone and fished it out (they DO later screen them...you can disagree with the politics but no need to send a mean message to someone on the ground). The language made me lament our schools a bit but his got shared for this comment: "If you are male, I hope you come home safe to your family. Same if you are female."

The lone female service member looked ready to hunt him down. Earlier in the day, MM and I had talked about those sentences that get away from you....the ones you start saying and get away from you and you backtrack to cover. The added "same" felt like a backtrack, but WHERE was he planning to go???? I wondered if he was thinking about a wife and kids at home and then got the PC-bug and put "family" and went from there. But I'm not quite satisfied with that story.

I normally am not a fireworks girl but we stayed and had VIP seats for free. The Fest is self-funded so they do charge admission but we got free tickets (Aside: We also got food vouchers but a guy was cooking and invited us all over...when we didn't show, he started bringing LOADED plates...made me smile. I often lament a lot about the state of our general public but enjoyed seeing some generosity of pocket and spirit). I was pretty darn impressed. Clearly, they've stepped up fireworks since I was a youngin' and MM told me it is something like the 3rd largest 4th show in the nation. I also HIGHLY recommend watching fireworks next to two eight year-old boys. The dancing was priceless and my sideshow totally competed with the light show. Line of the show "WOW. I'm gonna stop saying 'Wow' now...[thirty second pause]..WOW."

Hurting today. I avoided bending and twisting but was still moving about a lot for the past two days and the ground is tough to sit on (even tougher just to GET to the ground). I do want to push myself to get my strength sessions in during the next month to fend off lost muscle after, but lifting today isn't going to happen.

corny, cheesy alert...

2011-07-01T08:06:00.000-04:00

I confess...I stole him. We were at a NYE party and he was, apparently, slated to met a girl. I'd actually jokingly requested a non-smoking boy with nice biceps to kiss at midnight. He had a cigarette in hand when I walked in and I remember thinking that was a shame (he was more of a social smoker and has largely stopped for me so it was a false alarm). But we talked a bit.

Midnight passed with no kiss but later he was giving one hostess a backrub...apparently it was her attempt to show the target gal his talent. But I threw it all off by saying "Hey, not fair!" and he replied, "Don't worry, you're next." My massage was longer (ummm...and a bit more thorough but still PG) and I didn't get a kiss that night. But I did get one the next night when he invited me back over to the same house for a DVD night. (aside: I'd hoped to hear from him but hadn't and finally gave in and got a huge cheese-stuffed stromboli-like meal as a hangover remedy...of course, he sent a message RIGHT after I finished and my belly was quite cheese stuffed...not ideal for hanging out with a new boy).

Today marks six months (another aside: I totally recommend 1/1 as a handy date for ease in calcuating such things). I'm not one for monthly anniversary nods, but I'll make an exception at six. And I'll risk making him blush by saying MM rocks and has made my heart fuller than I ever knew it could be. I'd gone down the wrong road and I can't even describe how eye-opening the right one was...never knew I could feel so sure so quickly. After the movie night, it was a week before he could come for a real date and we spent HOURS a night on the phone. I hate the phone. There were lapses and we'd watch food shows on silent but it was just easy and comfortable. I love him dearly and shall include a few bullet points with some of the moments that made the last months so special:

He showed up for our first unchaperoned, real date with a single rose, red wine, and my cheese of preference (sharp cheddar). He also had glasses, a plate, a knife, and a corkscrew so it was no effort for me. He also scoped out a place that had tater tots because I'd mentioned them in our phone marathons. The first time I drove out here (I despise driving and it was nearly 4h), he cooked (and is an awesome cook...totally the "hmmm...needs a dash of basil" type).
The first time he saw me in bad endo pain was when I was visiting him. He sent a message offering to come home from work and bring me soup for lunch if it might provide some comfort. The first time he saw me after I had a run-in with the binge monster (I'd told him about the issues in advance and let him know before he came home that I'd had a relapse), he was just perfect...he sat and listened but didn't try to hug me, showing an intuitive understanding that being touched is a huge no for me in that state). He can't fix my demons and ailments but he helps me find the strength to fight them. He also is great about my body image....listening to me and saying nice things without falling into the zone where it feels like my demons are being dismissed.
For Valentine's Day, he had a nice present and dinner plans but that wasn't what I'll remember. He drew me a bath, with a rose petal path, lavender salts, and a towel pillow for my head. Instead of trying to make it, ummm, more of an adult bath, he left me to enjoy it and relax. And he made me a yummy egg white omelet with basil and feta. Perfect.
He loves ducks and we fed them recently. He preferred the ones that came close (I was a bit terrified by them), especially one that would grab bread from his hand. But I was focused on Gimpy Ducky...a female with an injured foot who didn't have the speed to get much of the bread since the others snatched it first. MM had better aim than I did so helped make sure Gimpy Ducky got a good snack by getting it right to her. And he promised me Gimpy Ducky would be okay. Some part-truths are okay :) Gimpy Duck can go live on the farm with Cinnamon, the dog my folks had when I was born
He carried and assembled the treadmill I've always wanted. And, in general, has totally made space for me in his former bachelor pad house. He didn't hesitate to pull out a dresser for me and gave me lots of bathroom space (the four sisters helped him know even a non-makeup gal needs space). He even understood or at least tolerated, my need for a personal safe-shelf in the pantry area.
More than anything else, I love that we can have simple time together. I've realized that the word "content" is highly underrated....we can spend a quiet day on the couch, sometimes each doing our own thing (me: reading, him: playing video games or watching a car auction) and it is just easy. And perfect.

I could go on but he's likely embarrassed enough. Thanks, MM, for a wonderful start to 2011. And thanks for the many more months to come.

more evidence i'm a real blogger (and other bullet points)

2011-06-30T10:24:00.001-04:00

I confess...the more I use bullet points, the more I love them.

Look it's me (first review, including a link to my books tag here). The Frisky is a fun site. I certainly don't read every post but it is a good page to intersperse with job apps. I pitched a "real" article too...I'm pleased with myself for trying, even if it fails.
I had a random interview yesterday...and found myself oddly interested in the retail manager role. It could be fun. I was honest about not being a fashion plate..I swung it to say it would allow my staff to be subject experts and that I believe in managing from a point of mutual respect. I could have faked it, but they'd find out pretty fast.
I was silly and tried to twist to move a power cord Monday. The stars aren't as intense but it is def another pain flare. I'm beyond glad to have surgery on the calendar. I am already nervous about the rest in recovery but my awesome Boston PT (go to Michael if you need someone up there) said they are pretty encouraging on walking. Someone should warn them about my reading of the word "unlimited" in this context.
My need for Lee Press-On toenails is no more! I know, you've been waiting with baited breath for an update on the no-longer-totally-lost toenail.
I'm happy that New York joined the ranks of states that recognize marriage should be about love, not gender.
The scale was friendly to me last week. Somehow, that makes it harder that it is being quite mean this week. Yes, I know the scale and I have way too involved of a relationship.
I don't want to be interested in the Casey Anthony trial. I don't want to want to hear the latest updates. I want to be a good advocate for the justice system and not one of the many who has decided she's guilty and just plain evil.
I get books from Harper and get others via Amazon. I order through Amazon to keep it safe but buy used books, often for under a dollar so that even the shipping costs leave it around $5 or $6. I did just order one that actually hit $10....I got Room because I've wanted to read it and I shall keep it a a "treat" for recovery time.
I really dislike how many TV ads fall back on the "smart wife, dumb man" trope. It is a disservice to BOTH genders. The guy who says "Fiber makes me sad" and then unknowingly eats a fiber-rich bar while his wife smirks is on my current list of most annoying TV folks.
Michele Bachmann scares me.
I should go lift today. I'm in a high pain state though (and that's for me, some pain is a given) which makes it tough. I know it is important to stay strong but it is a tough spot to be in when the pain is chronic.
I need to buy shorts. I've made peace with the existence of my thighs, a state I have not gotten to with the belly pooch, but it still makes me averse to shorts. Well, that's not quite true. Shorts are fine when I'm standing. Not so fine when I sit and the not-muscle (and there IS muscle under there) presses the seams. But there are a few outdoor days on the horizon and some steamy weather so I may need to break down and get some.

a light at the end of the tunnel

2011-06-28T11:30:00.000-04:00

I confess....I was terrified they'd say no.

On June 13th, I ventured down for the last round of tests to identify my back issues. The test was ordered by Dr. K, the neurosurgeon, and performed by his colleague, Dr. F. Like my spine guy in Boston, Dr. F is a physiatrist. They tend to be focused on rehab work and many hold a DO instead of an MD (Dr. F is an MD, Boston doc was a DO). They perform a number of procedures, including the spinal epidurals I had done in Boston. Dr. F did a discogram. If you are ever slated for one, just don't Google it....it is NOT fun and is painful, but it wasn't as awful as the internet had me fearing.

Anyway, I spoke with Dr. F after the discogram. His role was to perform the test and give the info to Dr. K, not make the ultimate decision about actions going forward. He did indicate that I had a reaction to the prodding of the disc we suspected was the culprit. He also noted the results were a bit different than typical but said that could be attributed to both my age and my size (neither fit the most common patient profile). He said he'd pass on the info to Dr. K and vaguely hinted that surgery might be warranted but it wasn't his call to make.

In one of the realities of modern medicine, it took a while to hear back. I did understand this...they had to send out Dr. F's notes, he had to review and approve them, and then they had to go to Dr. K for analysis. But waiting was still rough. I know there are rules but the docs are in the same office and see each other all the time. Falls into the world of things you know rationally but have trouble with in practice. Dr. K's assistant did help make sure the file was seen and the docs were able to chat since Dr. K wanted a quick conference.

When the phone finally rang, I was on edge. It felt like the single sentence took an eternity and like I had been waiting for months. The assistant (whom I swea I talk to weekly) said I was a good candidate for "anterior lumbar fusion L5/S1" and booked me for August 8. I'll admit, I would have jumped up and down, but that isn't exactly a back friendly reaction.

So, yeah, I'm psyched to get a somewhat major surgery. I've had more than my share already but this is definitely a more serious level of operation than the others. I appreciate that there is risk and I am NOT looking forward to the recovery period (I am NOT good at resting), but the possibility of relief trumps all of that. It's been two years altogether, though it is more like a year and a half at a serious level. I've tried the less invasive options with steroid injections and rounds of PT and they haven't fixed it. Pain medicine helps me get through the day, but it is a band-aid and one I've only been okay using because I knew I was looking for a true fix. I needed a light at the end of the tunnel. I needed a possibility of a "cure."

I think that's somewhat normal but I also think it is tied to my history. I have been through a number of doctors and tried treatments and even surgery, but the cold hard truth is that endometriosis is likely to be with me for a couple decades more. There are band-aids but no cure, other than hitting menopause and turning all those systems off. I get through and I know many women have it worse than I do, but it is still rough. I appreciate knowing the truth about outlook rather than having a false hope, but it is a hard one to swallow. In a really odd way, the back has been the closest I've gotten to a cure...the level 7-8 pain trumps the baseline endo pain (flares still hurt) and take my attention away. But that's not a real cure and I know it.

I'm relieved to have a surgery date. I'm happy the test didn't end with a "sorry, nothing we can do." I've heard that enough. I am scared of the IV. I'm not looking forward to recovery. But there's hope (and an end to the band-aid of meds). And I needed that.

P.S. Yes, I know people debate fusions. I am confident it is the right call for me.

i'm a real blogger now

2011-06-22T10:56:00.000-04:00

I confess...this is just a link. I'm the guest poster of the day over on my friend Lee's site. Lee's an awesome lady and a totally dedicated blogger. A lot of her posts are food-themed, both homemade and purchased, though she talks about fitness and her life in general too. And I desperately want to play with her gorgeous puppy.

My guest post is about the foods I miss from my ATL days....

http://inmytummy.com/2011/06/22/guest-post-cheryl-from-confessions-from-a-rambling-mind/