Friday, July 31, 2009

wherein i brag

I confess....I am going to be positive. I am going to list a bunch of things that are good about me. I have been thinking about this and have decided I am NOT going to include any negatives, "but"s, or moderation/modulation/whatever the word is that I'm looking for (i.e. "I may not be X, but I am Y" or "I have to do X but then I can Y" or "Others may be better but"). I will not let myself type those or will erase them if I do. Only positives.
  • I am smart.
  • I am especially talented in logical thinking and speed of comprehension.
  • I am in good shape
  • I have cool-looking muscle tone, especially in my arms.
  • I am a good runner.
  • I am loyal.
  • I am good at hearing what is behind what people say and trying to understand their "come from" place
  • I write well.
  • I work hard (not just at "work").
  • I am very prompt.
  • I keep a neat, organized desk.
  • I make good chocolate chip cookies (chewy soft ones).
  • I am willing to taste new foods.
  • I compliment strangers and make their days nicer
  • I care.
  • I come up with some witty comments.
  • I pay attention.
  • I say Thank You.
  • I think before I speak.
  • I've fought through a LOT and have kept fighting

Friday, July 24, 2009


I is time for a rambly list:
  • I continue to try to compliment strangers. One woman said I made her day when I praised her glasses. Another glared at me for saying she had cute sandals.
  • I am torn on the whole Gates thing. Honestly, I think everyone had a hand in it...the caller made assumptions and the police did too....but I also think Gates' reaction was probably a big issue too. His reaction certainly stemmed from cultural history, but it could have been diffused more easily. I think there should be more of a conversation where both sides can learn from each other than an apology. The officer needs to understand Gates's viewpoint and Gates needs to listen a bit too.
  • I think it is good to reward healthy habits. But it is unfair to make a prize for weight loss or an insurance incentive to quit smoking. I don't smoke and am at a relatively healthy size to start...why can't I get any rewards?
  • There is a one man play called "My Mother's Italian, My Father's Jewish, and I'm in Therapy." I'm not in therapy and my parents are reversed but I still think I merit a free ticket.
  • I frequently have ONE sore glute. The same one.
  • Don't recommend any products you love to me. If I like them, they WILL stop making them or change the formula. In recent months, my yogurt and soup changed formulas. My South Beach lunch wraps are no longer. My hair care line seems to have gone away. They discontinued the snack pack bags of Corn Pops I have with my afternoon snack.
  • I chew way too much gum.
  • I saw a resume on Monster today titled "Work Wanted!!!". Ummm, would you be posting if you weren't looking?
  • I told a tot in the garage that he must have been a good little boy to get the plane he was showing off to the boy and I. I was quickly corrected that he is four and thus a big boy. I have learned my lesson.

Friday, July 17, 2009

a personal post.

I confess...I haven't reread the below but it is something I've wanted to write for a long time. And I hope people read it. And I'm also scared to have people read it.

I am 5’4”. In recent years, my weight has ranged from 115 to 125. My highest weight was 150…not healthy on my frame but I was never truly obese. So no one passing on the street would peg me for what I am. A binge eater. At times, a pretty severe one.

It truly is amazing what people will say when you don’t fit their stereotypes. I’ve checked out of the market with a dozen big bakery cookies (and other stuff too…) and had the clerk joke she couldn’t buy them because she’d eat half the first night. I planned to eat them all. A colleague on the elevator saw me with a large thing of jelly beans and chocolate and made a joke about how I must throw it all up if I eat that stuff and look like I do. I’ve never purged.

There were roots to my binge eating that I can see it retrospect. Times when I’d order way too much delivery in college and try and hide any evidence before my roommate returned. But there is one moment when I really truly knew that something was wrong. I was in graduate school and living in a suite of rooms…my own bedroom and bath but a shared living area and kitchen. I wanted food but my roommates were in the common area and I didn’t want to be seen. I found a packet of hot chocolate in my bag. I ate it “raw” sitting with my back against the bed. And I got this massive head rush.

When it was at its peak, I binged (severely) every three days. We’re not talking an extra piece of pizza. We’re talking a package of cookies, a pint of ice cream, a bagel with extra cream cheese, and half a jar of peanut butter…in thirty minutes. I’d eat until I was almost physically incapable of eating more. I’d try to keep it secret…even stopping at multiple places to avoid buying my full feast at once. I probably would have done it more often if my body hadn’t rebelled with pain.

I don’t tend to binge when I’m hungry. Or at least not physically hungry. It is not about that. And I’ve thought a lot about what it IS about. I think it is about feeling. Consciously or unconsciously, I am feeling something I don’t want. So I eat. And there’s this total rush with all the sugar that pushes away other feelings. Even the bloated and ill aftereffects are part of it…I can’t feel much else when I feel so ill. I hate how I feel after, and it lasts for days sometimes, but that may be part of the addiction. Because I can point to that feeling and because it pushes away everything else.

And it is also about control. I am borderline OCD…never diagnosed but I need order and consistency. On my “good” days, I know exactly how much I eat. I run….a lot. I like my hair to be straight and neat. I like piles on my desk instead of chaos. I like to board the train in the exact same spot every day. But a binge is the total opposite of control. It is out of control to the highest degree. It is a rebellion against myself.

If you passed me on the street, I wouldn’t stand out. If I bought a burger and fries, you wouldn’t give me a “she shouldn’t eat that” look. If you thought anything about my body, it would probably be that I’m in pretty darn good shape (and I’m pretty modest so I can only say that because it is objectively unavoidable). I’m usually a size 2 these days (though vanity sizing helps). And if you heard I had food issues, you’d probably think I battled anorexia in college or something like that. You wouldn’t guess. So you might comment on the package of cookies I’m buying and joke about them.

Please don’t.

Thursday, July 16, 2009


I confess...I'm scared.

I was better for two months. Not pain-free but SO much better.

And it is back now. Pretty bad pain, sometimes terribly horrid pain, and a few other issues I won't go into here.

I know the stress and other stuff isn't helping it, but the pain on top of all that just makes things really hard.

I want to curl in a ball and hide.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

mind or matter

I confess...I'm not loving my new book but it has sparked an old line of thought.

The book tells a story of early onset Alzheimer's from the viewpoint of the patient. The protagonist notes she'd rather have cancer than Alzheimer's, noting the dignity lost with a mental decline and just the different way people treat different patients.

I've often wondered whether I'd prefer to have my body go (not in a vanity sense, true and severe functional loss) or my mind. I think it depends on how thorough the loss is and the degree to which I have to prepare to face it. If it were sudden and pretty complete, I might prefer to give up my mind...if I didn't have to KNOW it was gone, it might not be that bad. It would be MUCH harder though if it included moments of lucidity or just an awareness that I'm not functioning. And it might also be an extra challenge to have it be progressive, to know what is coming and to take every little error as a sign.

But, if it were total and sudden....I think I might pick giving up my mind. I face pain with my body now but it generally functions. I think it must be horribly hard to be stuck in a body that you can't control (again, talking more than even just loss of a limb) and to be aware of related indignities. Or to have your mind but lose your communication abilities so you are "stuck" inside yourself. When my step-father's mom was losing mental capacity, she often thought she was decades in the past. Someone noted that it might not have been a bad thing...she was really happy in that time. She didn't seem to know what she'd lost. She felt good....though it was hard for those around her.

Which sparks another thought...I imagine it is harder to care for one who has lost mental capabilities than one whose loss is physical. When the mind goes, they often need help on the body side too. Does that make my "preference" (that's a terrible sounding word to use here but I can't do better) selfish?

Monday, July 6, 2009

the bandwagon

I confess....that I did not leap back on the bandwagon today as planned.

We had a nice mini-vacation in the Finger Lakes. Prior to vacation, I promised that I'd return full throttle. I've really fallen off with both my food and my gym habits. I was sleeping through too many workouts...sometimes making them up in the evening with a workout that was not quite as good which then set up a messy cycle since it made doing a morning workout the next day harder. We also had been eating out during the week sometimes, which we usually don't do. And my "bad days" were simply "very very bad"...I won't go into detail but just trust me on that one.

I promised to come back and jump back to "normal" with both feet. But I felt ill last night and just couldn't pull myself up this morning. it may not have been the wrong decision for the moment since my tummy was really quite unsettled, but it wasn't the best decision for the overall commitment.

I don't know if I'll make it up tonight. But I am at least going to try really hard to stay on track food-wise until my normal Fri/Sat "break".

I will give myself kudos for exercising on the trip. And for often doing a slower treadmill session as I let a bit of a strain heal (not one that requires a total break...).

One day at a time.